SillyBoy1981 - Day1

Day-25

Still going strong & “Amanda” clean.. No thoughts or feelings about breaking this at all & feel settled in my choice & really love the outlook that this life change is going to give me.

BUT.... Lately a cloud of doubt & depression & anxiety has come over me & I’m feeling like I’m not good enough for anything & im questioning who I am & what I can do or what I’ve done.  I feel so lost & that I have no identity.  I feel fed up, angry, sad, upset & then flick to laughing & crash back to feeling the other... I feel drained from being in my own mind, body & skin.  I’ve never really been one for being bothered about what people think of me because I’ve been of the mindset “this is me, I may not be for everyone but this is who I am & im not going to please all”... But now all that’s going through my mind is what are people thinking about me & im running away with the thoughts that I’m not good enough for anything or anyone & that’s what they’re thinking too... I’m consumed by hate I feel & have for myself.

I look I’m the mirror & I don’t know who it is? I don’t know who I am! And I don’t know what I’m supposed to be?...

BUT... I am not thinking about gambling & I love that.

Speak again soon.

So glad to hear you are still gamble free. Well done to you. What you are going through is completely normal. You have stopped gambling and your mind is processing....You are a thinking, feeling human being again and you have to learn to embrace all those feelings that you may have buried in a machine. You have heightened awareness now that you are not gambling and you will naturally go through high and low moments which is a normal part of every day. Giving up gambling is not going to solve all your problems, and sometimes people feel disappointed that quitting gambling hasn't given them the happiness they thought it would. It can be a difficult time and your mood will lift and you will feel so much better the more time goes on and your brain chemistry will get back to normal.

Often when we give up gambling, we still have all the same problems that led us to gamble in the first place, only now, we must go it alone. We can no longer self medicate by gambling and for a while, you will naturally find it hard to deal with life without having gambling to lean on. Your moods are normal. Nobody feels good all the time. Don't fight the feelings, but let them help you process your emotions and get them out in the open. Remind yourself that it is okay to feel incredibly down about what happened but also that you are happy that you have made the decision to quit. 

Some times we are elated at our decision to leave gambling behind and feel empowered and strong. Other times, we feel depressed, angry that this even happened and go over all the reasons why we ever let things get this far. It's perfectly normal and it is just your mind trying to make sense of it all. It will pass. It is actually an important step in recovery, learning how to embrace all those feelings, good or bad and deal with them again, without gambling. It is like your awakening almost, and it is a good thing, but your feelings will confuse and conflict sometimes. Just know that you have made the right decision to stop and that it will take a while for things to settle. This is the period where you may be vulnerable and need extra support as you struggle with the effects of withdrawal. It will pass. Hang in there. You will come out the other side stronger and more determined than ever.

I am happy for your progress and I wish you continued success on your journey as a non gambler. 🙂

Day-35

Still going strong & “Amanda” free... Sobriety is going well... Not sure if I’m actually succeeding or if it’s because I’m so busy & don’t have any time for anything??!.. BUT I have been & still an gamble free & today marks 35 days!!!

Ive not diaried for a while so I need to return to checking in.

Dinner time for me now but I’m doing good!

Speak again soon..

Hi SB1981. Just wanted to say that I am really pleased that you are now in a good place with clear improvements in all areas of your life. It seems that the love you have for your partner is precious and I'm sure this will prove to be the greatest gift. 

Day-40

I’m still going strong & “Amanda” free! I am clean & healthy & haven’t broken my sobriety.. 

I feel good about it & haven’t actually thought about gambling for a while now, again I don’t know if this is due to the fact I’m so busy & caught up in life?!.. Or if it’s because I’m not having the urges? Or it’s because the steps I have in place are working? I have previously had triggers where I’d hide off into gambling & ive had those come at me over the last few weeks & I didn’t have thoughts to go there so I feel so good & happy about them! Also one of the managers at my work ask me the other day if I fancied a wager on the football with the team I support.... And without any doubt or thoughts of how it would be perceived I said “I don’t gamble anymore mate”...  I didn’t feel bad or think s**t how am I going to be judged on that?!.. I simply felt a lot of pride towards myself because I didn’t want to...

For today I think I’ll leave it there but I’m feeling good!

Speak again soon! “40 days!!!!!!!”

Day-47

Im 47 days on & im still “Amanda” gamble free!!

Ive not been thinking about or wanting to gamble at all.  When I’ve been seeing adverts on the TV from gambling companies or hearing them advertised on the radio it’s angered me that they’re “so called” slogans to say “stop when the fun stops” as if they’re trying to help really makes me angry. If they wanted to help they wouldn’t advertise in the first place or make it so accessible for anyone to gamble... 

The other day I watch a film called “Uncet Gems” & it’s all centred around a man constantly risking everything & putting it all on the line “Gambling” & nothing ever seems enough for him... I watched it & it made me feel uncomfortable as that used to be me & I couldn’t see it & what I was going through.. It also showed me that I never want to return to being that type of person or feel that constant anxiety & stress.

So yeah back to the companies who are saying all of these so called slogans to say they’re doing there part to reduce addiction they can......! When you’re a gambling addict all emotion & control over what you’re doing aren’t your own anymore they’re taken over by the beast & the need to feed it, and these companies know this.. 

BUT!!!... It’s taken me over +10yrs to realise this but I don’t want or need gambling in my life. It doesn’t give me a buzz or any enjoyment, if I think back to the biggest win I had in one bit of *** I felt so sick & I’ll until the bet was over & came in, so where was the fun & enjoyment of that... Then when I did have the money I wasn’t fulfilled with it?!?.. And that’s a huge amount of money.. So in a gambling world no amount is ever enough. 

The true highs & buzzes that I’d misplaced are from those that are around me & the ones I love & the things we do... Or in what I do in everyday life. I know I’m only a few days in to my sobriety but how I feel about me, myself & this addiction are all aligned into that i don’t care what trigger comes my way or what happens I don’t need or want gambling in my life for any purpose.

Speak again soon! 

Day-49

Still all over this & “Amanda” free.

I have no want or twitch to gamble at all & feeling really good about that. Not being consumed by gambling has & is allowing me to focus again & deal with things better. How was I so blind with it all? How did I fall so deep into it? This is my life now & I love that I’m more in control!!

Speak again soon

DAY-50

Ive hit another milestone in my sobriety now on being “Amanda” GAMBLING FREE! I’ve just hit 50 DAYS!!!!

I couldn’t be happier with how I’m doing & hot I’m currently in a position where the aids ive put in place don’t feel like I’m having to actively go to them to help me... It’s now getting to the stage of it’s all ok & normal to be doing everyday things & im repulsed by the gambling world & what it’s about...

Again someone at work wanted to put a wager on the year Google birthed & I said no let’s just do it for the status of who’s right or nearest. The gain of financial had no bearing or thirst for me even though I knew the answer & was right before hand. My thoughts are now feeling like they’re my own & when I’m faced with triggers, bumps in the road the voice in my head is agreeing with me that I know what to do & im then making that right decision..

This is all for now but I am so pleased with how things are going!!!

Speak again soon!

Hi SillyBoy1981

Congratulations on reaching your 50 day gamble free milestone!! You must be super proud of yourself and rightly so! Keep up the fantastic work and keep posting - your success will help inspire others! 

Forum Admin

Day-54

Still going strong & free of “Amanda”!!

Being tested all the time but feeling no want need or tilt to my sobriety. I am focused & happy with my choice of life change..

Be happy with yourself & your decisions & the rest will follow.!

Speak again soon!

Day-58

Still “Amanda” free & going good with my sobriety.

I am feeling hurt upset down & P****d off lately though & even more so today. None of which have made me think about gambling or wanting to be part of that world I’m just upset & down.  Maybe this isn’t the right place or forum for these feelings but these are my thoughts & my processes so I’m diarising on my feelings.

One of my parents has been unwell lately & that’s stressful enough in its own sense but I haven’t spoken to my parents near on 2 years now... So everything that’s been caught up within that scenario is always on my mind & I still don’t know if I’m in a place to approach what that looks like or if i want them to enter back into my world?!.. So that pulls my apart in ways I don’t always understand or cope with..

The sake is with my brother who I’ve had a torn relationship with for decades...

I’ve kind of partly accepted that negative people & hurtful people I don’t want & need around me... But it’s never easy doing or acting upon these types of things. 

Sometimes & a lot of times I feel that I’m no good for myself or anyone & it terrifies me & scares me. To look at yourself & hate what you feel & hate upon yourself is upsetting & hurtful... I live in my thoughts & body everyday & know who I could be & who I am & I feel hurt... Daily timelines & motions scare me & hurt me... Other peoples negative comments & thoughts towards me damage who I want to be... It’s as though they know & see that I’m at the lowest point I can be & know I am trying to hold myself together & manage at that level before I can start to even think about climbing out but straight away at the same time tell me all of my faults or tell me what I should be doing... I know where I am & where I need to get to & I hate everything about it all... So yeah I have dark & awful thoughts about myself but I don’t act upon them purely because I Know the world is hard place to be & it’s not easy & you need to try & be resilient every second of every day & not let it be the controller of you... I can’t tell my son that he should “try try & try again” & myself to just take myself of the world because I have all of these demons... I’m torn by these right & wrongs & upset that I feel these ways. I feel alone & that what I’m going through every second of every day isn’t understood or taken into account & I should just “get on with it”...

I don’t know what else to say?!...

I am gambling free & have no thoughts or wishes to gamble..

Speak again soon

Dear @sillyboy1981,

I am really sorry to hear you are struggling with how you feel about yourself and the world and how challenging every moment of every day is for you. I am glad you shared these thoughts and emotions on the Forum, it's good to get it out, especially if you don't feel you can talk about it.

You have come a very long way and it looks like your recovery is on solid footing. An integral part of the recovery process should be also to work on your self-esteem, work on becoming friends with yourself and accept that who you are is good enough. You are good enough.

You are not alone, this Forum is there for you, we are here for you, so if you ever feel you are ready to talk the Helpline and Netline are open 24/7. It also sounds like it would be really helpful for you to speak to your GP about the low moods you are experiencing to get some medical advice and support.

I am glad to read that even with all your struggles you are finding reasons to live and not to give up. 

Please keep posting and sharing.

Wishing you all the very best,

Eva

Forum Admin

Day-61

Wow.... Just WOW! I feel blessed & very proud of where I am & with what I’m doing for my sobriety. I am still “Amanda” free & loving my lifestyle that I am in without gambling.

Most days I am faced with opportunities to gamble... Through TV... Through offers from people I work with... Through driving past bookies... Through my old triggers... Through my old habits... Through that old voice in my head...  BUT!... Through all of the opportunities that are offered to me & come around I have the opportunity to say no, to not say yes, to be honest with myself & those temptations & say “no thank you I don’t gamble” and that gives me so much more power, pride & highs that any potential win than gambling could ever offer as that’s inner strength!

Sobriety isn’t easy but a lifestyle change can be. I choose happiness for myself & those around me & not the robot being I was through gambling. I & my family deserve the best me I can be & that is without gambling! 

I am happier in my life & that’s without gambling “Amanda”. 

Stay strong & stay happy... Firstly for yourself as that’s why we want to be better. Gambling comes away from a little bit of fun to full blown consumption without you even knowing it. It takes over your thoughts & emotions & lets you believe that it’s there for you, to comfort you, to relive your pain, for a good time, for a bad time... Gambling is a devil & demon and you need to own & accept that it’s a problem & why it’s a problem & actually want to change if you want to be rid of it. Accepting you have a problem isn’t a bad thing it’s you taking ownership of who you are & who you want to be!

I am still climbing my Everest & will be for the rest of my life but that gives me more drive & happiness. As it gives me time, money & the opportunity to make memories with the ones I love rather than the down & unhappy zombie I once was.

Speak again soon! Today is great!

Day-70

I mean w*f!!! I am strong with my sobriety & clean from “Amanda”!

Ive gotten to a point at the moment that I’m so busy with work in a positive way as it’s not things piling up on me it’s me attacking the areas that are out of balance because I have the headspace to deal with them... That gambling demon isn’t occupying my thoughts & emotions so I’m able to connect & concentrate on me & my work correctly.

This isn’t just happening with work now, I’m feeling that I’m in the room a lot more with family.. Before I was a zombie of drain to myself with guilt & hate towards myself & shut down..  Now I’m seeing the start of enjoying being me & that’s coming out to those around me I feel...

These are still only early days BUT WOW!!! I feel so empowered & feel I’m getting me back!

Gambling is a depressant not a high.. I wish I’d been aware of all its hidden aspects when I was younger... I’m also getting to the stage where I don’t have hate towards gambling but more of a sorry for it & because all it knows is greed.... I’m more than that & don’t want that I’m my life...

Speak again soon!

Day-77

My sobriety is still strong & going well! I am clean & “Amanda” free!

Ive obviously been tested a lot during these 77 days so far with potential triggers from life in general to the dirty need to gamble & the social aspect of it... I’ve been tested by people wanting to make bets with me & through these obstacles so far I have been strong & not wanted to & had no urge to gamble & that I am really proud of.

But this week I knew would be a HUGE test for me... I am a massive horse enthusiast & it’s something I had in common with my grandad & something I really enjoyed, to follow horse racing... To scout the trainers & track horses, I am a massive data freak & I loved everything about horse racing & my grandad did too. He passed away near on 20yrs ago now but I always look at horse racing through what we did & how he loved it... There no bigger horse racing event than this week & this week is Cheltenham week... I honestly thought I would be tested & id relapse or have urges to do something but this far nothing.. I’ve not had any urges to gamble.. All I have felt is upset that I took something I loved & cared about with my grandad & dumbed it all down to a financial game... I don’t follow trainers or horses or anything to do with the sports anymore & that part makes me a little sad.. Nothing to do with gambling it’s that passion for the horses & following it through the connection I shared & common interest I had with my grandad..

This only gives me more strength to be on my life goal. I am so much happier without gambling it’s unreal... Today I will say a pray to & for my grandad as not a day goes by when I don’t miss or think about him. X

Speak again soon!