SillyBoy1981 - Day1

Day-8 & Day-9

Still “Amanda” free...

Been active this weekend & busy with my boy... Walking outside & our usual quizzing of one another, like “who would win a rolling race, a lion or a gorilla”?... I love the talks & chats we have & seeing him grow & develop is a treat that I can’t even put into words. We went swimming this morning & he’s getting so good at his breaststroke now but doesn’t even realise how good he is, just like in his football where we’ve got his practise this week. Such a good trait to have humbleness!

Ive thrown myself as I should do into my son this weekend & thought about nothing else & that pleases me greatly. 
As for tomorrow (Monday) I will be back on planning & structure for how I am progressing & how I need to realise my first step progress measures & accept my first step success!

Speak again soon

Day-14

Im pretty proud of myself! I’m on day 14 free & clean of “Amanda”..!!

But I’m a little annoyed to see that yet again there’s a few of my posts that I’ve added seem to not be in my recovery diary... This is more than a little disheartening! 

But I’m not letting that change how proud I’m feeling about myself..

Lately I’ve been feeling stressed & feeling a lot of pressure... Partly placed upon myself & not to let those around me down. I’m looking at “Amanda” as that gremlin in the corner that’s always watching me & im keeping an eye on her so that she knows I’m aware of her... I’m also trying to focus on my mental health to make sure I’m being active & not falling into a dark place... Then I’m trying to make sure that I’m doing the right things at the right time, like wake up, have a shower, have breakfast, go to work... And then when I am at work I’m trying to keep all of those demons at bay to free up space in my head so that I can be professional & train staff on their jobs & procedures as well as do my work & my deliverables.... I’m finding that I’m doubting myself a lot at the moment & am I the right person to be doing what I do?... Can I delivery on what is expected of me?... Am I a fake?... Is everything I do in life a lie home & work?... I’m then away from work & im thinking did I do today what I needed to do today?... It’s like I’ve put myself on report for work & life & I don’t know if I’d sign it off at the end of the day to say yes you’ve done what’s expected here... I’m then with my girlfriend & my son & im hating myself because I’ve failed them... My son doesn’t know what’s happened or what I’ve done but it’s eating me up inside that I’m not the person I should be & thought I could be. I look at my girlfriend & god knows why she’s still around or even bothers to look at me let alone be near me... For about a week now I’ve cried every day because I don’t know where my path is or if I know the way back to it?!... I’ve put a plan together for how I combat “Amanda” this time & I just feel numb in life... I feel like I’m in so much pain & hurt that I’m not even there... It feels as though I’m outside of my body looking at myself & I hate what I see...

So as much as I am proud of myself for being 14 days in clean of “Amanda”... What good is it if I don’t know where I am?

Dear @sillyboy1981 ,

Thank you for your post. Go back to the beginning of it and read it again. "Im pretty proud of myself! I’m on day 14 free & clean of “Amanda”..!!" This is a great achievement and you're right to feel proud.

I am unsure as to why your posts are not appearing. If you email forum.admin@gamcare.org.uk someone can look into it for you.

I am sorry to read that you have been feeling stressed recently and that you have been doubting yourself. These are  normal feelings during recovery and opening up on here and getting support from us and fellow Forum users will help. It seems you are really struggling right now and this is overtaking those feelings of the pride you mentioned. Please don't hesitate to contact us on the Netline or Helpline 0808 802 0133 to talk things through with an adviser. Just talking will help. You are bound to have days that seem more difficult than others but you are doing really well.

All the very best

Forum Admin

Currently on Day-15

Started my day strong & wanted to take the bull by the horns for my mental & emotional state... Went to the gym after breakfast with my girlfriend & at first I was unsure if I was going to go as I’ve been near on everyday so far this week & my body is aching BUT I thought I’d push myself! I’m so glad I did as I felt I had a good session & burnt off more than just the needed calories... I felt like I actually released some unwanted stress, so that’s a huge push for me.

Ive started up my diary for my own piece of mind & to aid my path to a “Amanda” free life & ive fully acknowledged that my life will be “Amanda” free & that’s good & more than acceptable with me, it actually gives me a smile & pleasure knowing that I don’t have to ride that rollercoaster of emotions, the pre highs & the post lows & all that’s before during & after... The guilt the lying the bad feeling... All of it I can happily move on from because this time it’s my choice & I accept the challenge that it’s a life change.

Where my insert to my diary is going to via off course of being for myself today (and only today as I want to rant)... Is that I’ve been searching & reading through so many other peoples journeys & thoughts to which are hugely personal & I fed blessed that everyone is sharing their thoughts with the world & I/we shouldn’t take that lightly as in a plethora of ways it’s a big weapon in all of our recoveries.  BUT... For this insert to my own diary only I am going to vent that... We are all different creatures of this world, we are not all the same, our recoveries though they may seem the same are still our own & not the same... No one does the same as someone else. No one chooses to do something because of the same reason... If this were true we’d all look & live the same, do we do this? No... I hugely appreciate support & welcome it with open arms as I am not shut off to anything that assist me & my sobriety but I can’t accept that because someone is a “compulsive gambler” “addict” or whatever term you use that we are all of the same make up & think the same of our cases are the same... We’re ALL individuals who came work as a team & that is fantastic BUT don’t think you can judge or treat me as you know me or make an assumption because you have a similar “addiction” “compulsion” “disease” as I have. We are of the same demons but not of the same mind or thinking...

Again I will stress that I am not in refusal of help but take objection to assumption that we’re all the same.

I will beat this for myself & I know I will because this is a life goal & it’s my choice. “Amanda” isn’t needed in my life so I am letting her & myself know that I forgive her & I forgive myself for the awful relationship that we’ve had but now this is me saying it’s time to part ways.

This is day 15 I am part way through but my eyes, heart & soul are open & I see this clearly x

I have taken the night & this morning to reflect against my mental health & it’s ok for me to feel low & to doubt myself... But what I can do is look at why I am doubting myself & search for those answers... If I don’t see or find them I will ask & again that’s ok. If people offer help that’s ok too but it doesn’t mean I have to accept everyone else’s way of thinking I can choose of that what I need to help my state of mind. I am not a selfish person but to beat this I am focusing on myself & doing this for myself & I see completely that if I am not well then those around me get consumed by my failings... This is me taking ownership for my downfall & putting in place a life structure. 

Again this is my diary & the thoughts that I am expelling from my soul heart & mind to give me clarity.

Today is all about that next step... I have taken ownership & I’m owning this!

Speak again soon! 

Still Day-15

Just a little update & again I couldn’t be more proud of my feelings, thoughts & self right now!! Someone I used to work with & I like a lot messages me saying “Fancy a £5 bet winner takes all on the Spurs v Liverpool game”... I simply said “No thanks matey I’m off gambling”...

It didn’t even enter into my head all of the possible outcomes or to up the stakes or anything... This is a small step but HUGE in how I’m feeling. It’s reinforced my earlier diary entry that this is because I want a life style change & I want this...

Speak again soon! I bloody love me right now

Day-16

Woke up this morning full of thought.... And scared shitless of opening Pandora’s box on my emotions... I don’t think they would trigger any gambling attitudes as right now I’m focused & head strong... What I’m getting at is I fear the emotional backlash it will put me into, I believe I will be a wreck of tears & anger & it’s playing on my mind... So for now I may bullet point scenarios, topics, issues, worries, what’s made me unhappy & what I think are the unresolved chapters past, present & future... The fact that I want to do this is another HUGE step for myself so again I’m feeling proud that I’m owning this.

Ive just got back in from a BootCamp training session & WOW it was stimulating for my body mind & soul... I couldn’t be happier right now with the steps I’ve introduced to my sobriety & my general body health... It’s the mental side that I’m most working on & this release into a diary is going a good way to settle that & I hope that the feeling continues.

Another positive & I feel I need to make a thank you shout out is to @Lost_and_found (I think I’ve tagged that correctly so if not please could @forum-admin assist me) What LAF has shared from their experience is nothing short of heroic & I am in admiration of you for sharing your soul with me. I feel truly blessed to have given myself a second chance & to have those around me that have given me my fair share of second chances. But yes I would just like to place a big thank you for your words & what you’ve shared with me, everything you’ve said has touched my heart.

What is troubling me & has done for a long time is I don’t have a close intimate connection or a spark with the woman that I love... I have all the love & feelings towards her but what I get back is a protector of herself & the surroundings of us... The connection isn’t there anymore back towards me. Every time I mention or approach the subject it’s a full blown argument or I’m made to feel like a disgusting pervert... And that brings me to pain tears & resentment of myself... Through what I’ve done in gambling I’ve ruined the connection in my relationship & the feelings that are in it... For a period of time over Christmas it was seeming like that may have changed a little but there was still no spark through our intimacy... There’s no compliments in my direction & I don’t see any fire or warmth in that way in her eyes when looking at me... If I mention about being intimate there’s a reason why we can’t or it’s a no & then I feel when we were intimate it’s to quiet me down... I know that I’ve broken the bound of trust with my girlfriend through gambling & everything that’s been caught up in that & things potentially would take time to repair but I can’t see this changing & that scares & worries me.

Im not a dirty person & I don’t suggest things that are out of the ordinary... But I’m made to feel like I’m a pest because I fancy my girlfriend & want to be intimate with her, I’ve tried to be spontaneous & I get shouted at or told no or told why don’t you listen... Which makes me feel I should just go within myself & do & day nothing... How is that healthy & how does that move forward? s*x, intimacy & sexual spontaneity aren’t everything but it is a massive part of why two people are together & if that’s gone & doesn't appear to be coming back then am I or are we lying to ourselves? My girlfriend is such a good person & such a strong person & I am so proud of her in how she deals with herself, life me & our world, I am grateful beyond words & feelings for what she does for me, my son & our family. I have love gratitude & see who she is & what she does & I see what she wants. But I don’t know if we will ever find our way back to truly loving one another... I have asked her this recently & she doesn’t know either, so it is a question that has been raised... But again it’s unanswered?!..

She needs someone who she can trust.... I want someone to love me.... Can we give one another what we desire... I don’t know?

Speak again soon!

Thank you so much for your kind words about me. That means a lot. I wonder if I can perhaps offer a little insight into your personal life. I hope you will not be offended. There is no need to respond, but perhaps it may help you. 

You have been through a lot lately, and there is no question about that. But just because you are now taking responsibility for your actions, it is not a magic wand for all your problems to go away. What I mean is, your partner will have struggled alongside you. She will have felt hurt and shut out, perhaps lied to. She will have felt as if the gambling meant more to you than she did and it will take time for this to heal.

The connection and honesty between you has been lost, but it is not gone forever. You see, you may have made her feel like she didn't know you anymore and that distance will cause a disconnection in your relationship that will heal in time. There is a possibility that she doesn't feel quite ready to offer you that trust right now, simply because you made her question your relationship. Your actions will have seemed selfish to her and it may also make her question what else you can do, what you are capable of. If you can lie about that, are you lying about something else? I know this sounds horrible, but this is what may go through her mind. 

Can I be honest with you? I grew so distant and disconnected from my partner. He knew something was wrong, but I became so argumentative sometimes and defensive, that he just quietly and slowly accepted it. When my addiction hit rock bottom, ( I self destructed so badly in the hopes that it would finally make it stop) I think I needed to reach rock bottom in order to get back up to the top. So I gambled more than I ever thought possible and I shouted my partner up to have a talk. 

He began crying. He thought I was going to tell him that I was having an affair. He was actually relieved when it was the gambling because I had shut him out so much these past years and our relationship suffered as a result. Even when I thought I was still being a good mum, a good partner, they all knew that something was wrong. I would overcompensate some times out of guilt and in order not to blow my cover. My partner knew I had changed and felt helpless as I wouldn't let him in or let him help me.

I would get angry and push him away. I loved my family very much, but the gambling came first. I hated myself for that and I let the self loathing distance me from my family too. I felt like I wasn't good enough to be around them, not good enough to be a partner, not worthy. So I stopped being one. I had to learn to love myself again in order to let my family love me too. I had to stop pushing people away and let them in. It took time, but I feel like I am worth being around now, I am worth nice things and I deserve to be happy.

While I was gambling in secret, I knew it was wrong, so I didn't feel that I deserved to be happy. I didn't want to do things as a family because I knew I was deceiving them, hurting them with my actions. I wasn't behaving like a proper parent or partner so that made me distance myself even more from them. I felt false, a fake and my isolation grew worse.

Do not focus too much on the lack of intimacy. Be intimate with her in other ways like being close to her, talking on a deep level, massage, take a bath together...There are so many ways to be close that can really help her to bond with you again. She may feel like you are pressuring her and she is not ready. Perhaps you could try letting things happen naturally instead of announcing that you want to be with her. Instead, show her. For a woman, s*x doesn't start at the moment you think it does. It is a process, a build up. It starts with being close, talking, a nice meal, bonding again over common interest and most importantly.....LAUGHTER. This will likely have been lost from your relationship so get back the giggles with her. Humour is very important in relationship as it shows you are relaxed and natural together. If you can connect with her on an emotional level again, then the intimacy will likely come back but don't rush things.

Most couples don't experience spontaneous sexual desire. One will probably always want it more than the other. This is often the man, but not always. You are probably so pleased with yourself and with your progress and achievements that you feel elated and like everything should be fine now. But for her, she may need more time simply because for a long while, she has probably felt second to the addiction and may well think that you want her now just because you are not gambling, when other times, you may have shunned her?

This could all not have anything to do with it. But it could also be what's going on. I can only speculate, but as a woman, these thoughts would go through my head, so maybe they go through hers. I don't know.

Do not feel you need to respond to this. I just wanted to reach out because I can see this is bothering you.

She has to come to terms with things in her own time and she will. Just as she supports you now, you support her with this too because it may just be that she doesn't feel worthy because for so long, the addiction may have came first. Sometimes, partners of gambling addicts believe they are to blame for the addiction. That something must be wrong with the relationship for this to have happened. She may have felt not good  enough or that you didn't trust her enough to tell her you had problems. Look at what you called your addiction.....'Amanda' and that's probably how she viewed it too....you had an affair with gambling and just because it wasn't another person, doesn't always make it easier to swallow.

Anyway, I want to also congratulate you  on your continued progress.

You are doing fantastic. Take things slowly and have faith that everything will work out fine, now that gambling is out of the way.

:)So many good wishes to all three of you. 

Everything that I have put in my last post has just hit me in the face with an argument from my partner... How the hell is that possible? I’m not calling her out or having a pop at her I’m asking myself questions that I don’t have the answers to & ones I’m wanting to put into perspective through this whole process of sobriety... I’m not demanding anything of myself or of anyone else, all I’m doing is asking questions & working on myself. I’ve said previously in my diary that I’m doing this for me & changing my lifestyle for me because if I don’t respect & love myself how am I supposed to earn the respect & love of those I want around me... I’ve accepted that this is a process & haven’t placed a restriction or time frame upon it other than it’s a life change... 

I don’t treat intimacy as a speedy thing or as a bull in a china shop... I know it’s about connection & togetherness & all I’ve asked to myself is “will we have that back”? Because of how I have broken things... 

Im not & I haven’t expected things to click back into a certain place because I feel that I’m moving in the right direction... I am not ignorant to think & believe that a couple of weeks reverses 2,3,4 years of pain & lies & untrusted behaviour... All I’m asking is “have it taken things past the point of return”? And I’m not asking for that to be answered as it’s an unanswerable question... It’s something I’m asking of myself & something I have to deal & live with because of my actions... 

All day long I would take a bath & share that type of intimacy with my partner & that’s why I’m expressing isn’t there... It’s not all about s*x... It’s all that is before & the work up to... Or the playfulness & flirting that arouses you both... These are what I have taken away because of my actions with gambling... These are what I’m asking to myself “will these feelings & emotions & things come back”?...

Im not pointing out I have an awful girlfriend, far from it... I have said to her & in my diary what I think of her... I’m proud that I have someone like her in my life... She is beautiful from the inside out & that is so s**y... She does for other before herself, again what an unbelievable trait to have & is so genuine... I know what I have in my girlfriend & I am blessed & lucky to have her... All I’m asking is “have I ruined what we had & could have”? Has it gone past the point of no return because of MY ACTIONS..?!

Ive said it to her before that she isn’t at fault & isn’t to blame but somewhere in her head that’s either ignored or not believed as she takes on blame for what I’ve done & then that’s thrown at me... I have & am taking responsibility for this & owning that it’s my fault & I have done this... But right now for the argument that has just happened I don’t feel I am at fault for it or that I have caused it but at the same time I feel like s**t & that it’s all my fault that I/we are in the overall mess so in a way it is my fault... So again will I ever or will we ever move past a point where one of us can say something either here in a diary or to the other persons face where it’s not a point scoring or a way blame or not taking it the wrong way... This is everything that I’m asking of myself & I don’t have the answer to... All I’m asking is “has it gone past the point of no return”?... It can’t be answered because it’s part of the process to life change... I see that clearly & accept that as I have done from the beginning of this... By me posting on here I’m not hiding away, I’m not calling others out, I’m not putting in on anyone... I’m asking questions of myself...

Right now I feel my day & everything I’ve been doing is f*****g pointless & a complete waste of time because people reading into what they want... If theres a gap in dialog then they fill it with an assumption & run with it...

I know that this is working for ME & I am working on myself to be better for myself so that I can love & trust myself... This will lead at some point for others to see me as I see myself & then maybe they will trust & love me... If they do then that’s ok & if they don’t that’s ok... 

Speak again soon

I am sorry if I upset you.  I do not know you or your situation. I am not making assumptions. I am merely responding to someone who is hurting and offering you 'possible causes and solutions' in the hope that maybe you might see something that resonates with you. Only you know what you relate to and what you don't. Only you know which parts of my post, if any, are relevant and which don't apply. Only you know how to fix this, along with your family. There may well be no simple answer and I'm not trying to give you that. I'm just offering you support, not answers. Everyone is so different and our reasons for doing what we do are so complex. That's why my post threw out all sorts of possible reasons, and why I use question marks and say things like 'maybe', 'probably' because I just don't know. 

I totally get what you are asking yourself, but only your partner and time can tell you the answer to that.  I'm trying to make you think about what the issue might be, not tell you what the issue actually is. A counsellor would do the same, they don't know the person, they just try to get them to think about what the answer or the problem might be. They offer suggestions, throw ideas up....it was just a way of getting you to think...I mean no harm or judgement here. You have to believe that. I don't like seeing you hurt that's all and you sound stuck and frustrated. 

There is nothing wrong with seeing a similar behaviour or response in others and relating to it. It doesn't mean we make assumptions or that we are the same. It just means I see someone hurting as I was, and want to help. It is the human thing to do.

Please understand that I was not trying to pry, or pass judgement. If it came across that way, then I am sorry. That was not my intention.

Take care and I sincerely hope things improve for you. 

Sorry I wasn’t directing things towards you... I am just venting off how my head & feelings are within me... I am hurting & it hurts more because it’s me that’s caused this hurt... Your posts have helped & are helping me immensely so thank you again for caring & taking the time.

I know people only want to help & my frustrations aren’t directed at a particular person, I’ve stopped looking through other peoples pages & posts as there are people that do make the assumptions that we’re all wired & work the same as addicts... I love your insights from your life & assistance that you give, so from myself I am sorry if you thought I was directing my venting at you.

I posted again as out of nowhere I ended up in an argument with my girlfriend & I don’t know why? She sees the negative & bad in what I do & say...  Im being the most honest I’ve been for years & it feels that I should hold it in, but I’m not going to as that may be part of the reason that I’m in this situation, because I bottle things... I’ll accept the consequences of my actions but I’ll also accept them for my views & feelings because they come from a good place & my heart... 

I just want to feel happy & safe with myself so that I can make those around me protected & loved... That’s always been my way & feeling, sometimes that may be clouded & sometimes people may not understand me or where I’m coming from but the simple truth is - I just want to feel happy & safe with myself so that I can make those around me protected & loved.

Id give & do anything to be a happy & loved person... Right now I’m in raw pain, I’m opening up & pouring out everything that’s inside me to help stop the pain & out of that I feel like I’ve been ripped open further... I’m so tired & worn out, I feel mentally & physically drained.  I’ve given in to opening up as everyone tells me & says it’s what I need to do & then bang... My feelings & emotions are used against me?!.. I’m not asking anything of anyone, I’m just asking them of myself as they need to be acknowledged otherwise I’ll do what I’ve done for years & ignorantly go along as if it’s all ok but hurting & in pain because I’m holding it all inside me.

But please know this I love my lady more than anything in the world (obviously my son he is my world & heartbeat) & there’s nothing I wouldn’t do to give her piece & happiness. Her being truly happy & feeling truly loved would be all I want.

Thank you so so much for taking the time to speak with me & to share, it gives me strength knowing that someone cares & who does understand & doesn’t judge. You hold yourself accountable & offer out your soul because it’s your experience... This is an honour that I respect as it’s not easy to share the negative side you have of yourself & for it to be a benefit for others so again thank you.

My lady has been a bystander in our relationship & she should know that I’m sorry for that. I’ve never thought that she isn’t or wasn’t valued... I’ve never taken her for granted as I’ve always known how wonderful she is... Being caught up in pain & gambling isn’t something I’ve wanted... Self harm hasn’t been a choice for me & ive looked upon myself as weak & dig deeper into my pain because I didn’t think I was a weak person... This has built up on my pain hurt anger towards myself & ive just kept adding & adding & adding hoping that it wouldn’t matter & something would give In a bad way so that the pain would be gone for myself & I wouldn’t be around to deal with it anymore as I wouldn’t be here.... I felt like that for about 2yrs... Anytime I came near or close there was always a voice or something that would say stop & look at what you have... A gorgeous son who I adore & im so proud of... A wonderful beautiful girlfriend who only wants the best for those closest to her... And I’d see that in my darkest hour & ifd stop me... But then it’d fill me full of so much pain because I was then prepared to put upset into their lives & they wouldn’t know why I’d done it... I’ve been on that cycle for a few years & that’s been along side the gambling...

Ive not had those thoughts now for nearly 7 months... And I work on that daily because I need to be reminded of who I am & what I have... Every day is day 1 to me... In my mental health & my gambling... I am on a life change correction & that’s how I know I can & will do this, it’s because I want it for myself so that I can be the person I should be. Then I can truly give those closest to me what they need.

Speak again soon.

I apologise. I thought I had caused you both to argue because of my comments. I feel a strong need to help people and sometimes I worry that I stick my nose in where I shouldn't and try to fix things. Helping people gives me a sense of worth and makes me feel that all my hurt and suffering is worthwhile. I feel good that I have stopped gambling but also that it should not have happened in the first place and often I feel conflicted and guilty for moving on. Sometimes, I feel proud of myself for giving up gambling, other times I think that I should not feel proud because it should not have even happened in the first place.

Sometimes I feel like my biggest achievement in life is giving up something that I never should have done. That doesn't make me out to be very good does it? These are the days when I get locked in my head and dwell over the past. I am learning now that these days do me no good whatsoever. Self loathing will only stop me from moving forward. Hating on myself will only stop me and my family from enjoying a future together. If I continue to hate what I did in the past, then I let it steal my present and if I do that, what would be the point of giving it up? I stopped gambling because it was killing me and because it was hurting my family, so it doesn't make any sense to keep hold of the pain. If I allow my mistakes to still punish me, then they punish my family too. So now, I look forward, and try not to look back in regret but instead, I look back in reflection. There are always days that haunt me, memories that come flooding back and pain that hits me like an 18 wheeler truck. Some nights when I am lying in bed, the tears come as I hold my partner's hand while he sleeps. I wonder how could I ever do that to someone who is my world? Then, I remember what I learnt and try to ask instead, 'how could I do that to myself'? This is important part of recovery because in order for a gambler to hurt their family, they must first be hurting themselves. It's also important to embrace the pain and not bury it because like you say, we have to vent and we have to let the emotions and feelings out. If we want to fix our gambling, then we have to fix ourselves first, and this is also how we help our families, by learning to forgive our own mistakes.

It was so hard to forgive my actions. It felt like by forgiving myself, I was excusing my behaviour, but really, I was just coming to terms with my mistakes and taking ownership of them. I deserve to make peace with this and my family deserves that too. I realise that if I am sad, they are sad. If I am happy, then they are happy. That makes me realise how important I must be to them and how I now need to be responsible for their feelings and take better care of my family in the future. My family forgave me long before I ever forgave myself. I am still making peace with it but I am making progress. I think for a long while, I didn't feel I deserved to be forgiven so I walked around with this festering bag of self loathing on my back. But I saw that my family were still suffering, despite the fact that I had stopped gambling. Something had to change and I started to unravel the reasons why I gambled and the dark place I must have been in to do what I did. I felt so much pain while gambling, far more than the pain I felt that led me to gamble in the first place. I took to self harming, to punish myself for what I did. I hated what I had become and I felt so trapped, making the same mistakes over and over. Hating myself was only making things worse and I spent another year excusing the headaches that I had given myself by thumping myself in the head, until things finally got better and I learned to channel my anger in positive ways. I just despised myself for my actions and I took it out on myself in this way. I never ever planned to hurt myself. It just happened. It was just the immense hurt coming out. This was the only place my partner would not see the bruises, but I felt every single blow. It would calm me and I would go to sleep, silently crying. I don't know how bad things got because a lot of it is a blur now. I just remember the pain of gambling. That disgusting, heavy feeling of regret in my chest when I woke after a heavy loss, the memories of the day before slowly coming into focus.......

I would often describe my head as dead. Numb. Like it was filled with shredded paper. I didn't connect to things, to people, or to life. But I connected very well to gambling. I often wondered how someone who felt so numb could feel so much pain. 

You have a big heart. I can see that you are genuine and kind. I understand your frustrations and that you feel your partner may not fully understand where you are coming from and that you mean only the best. I think sometimes, even though we are being honest, it doesn't make it any easier for others to understand. I think maybe they can't ever fully understand because they only know what it is like to live with an addict, not what it is like to actually be one. I think it is admirable that you open yourself up in this way, but sometimes we can feel like we are having that same openness and honesty used against us. You are processing and this is a very important step to recovery. You need to get on top of all your thoughts and feelings and it may seem overwhelming sometimes. Try to remember as well that this is a very vulnerable time for you and your brain chemistry will be all over the place for several months while you adjust from your last bet.

It can make matters much worse because it makes you confused and you have more questions than you have answers to. Slow things down for yourself or you might burn yourself out. As much as it is important for you to get all this out, it is also important for you to avoid stress right now and possible triggers. 

I am very sad that your addiction also led you to thoughts of harm. I think many people struggle with these and I know I did. It's nothing to feel guilty about. It's just your brain searching for a way to solve your pain and suffering. They are not rational thoughts but thoughts borne out of suffering and desperation. You did so well to overcome this period and learn to dismiss the thoughts and count your blessings instead. You have given yourself the best gift ever this Christmas. You stopped gambling and you gave yourself a huge chance to get your life back. Things will still be rough for a while because you are still recovering from a long and difficult ordeal.

Giving up gambling is the best way to figure out who you are again because gambling steals your sense of self and your personality. You become dead inside and can only function when plugged in to a machine. Giving yourself what you need will give you the best possible chance of giving your family what they need too.

I really feel that life is a journey and there are lots of roads to take. Sometimes we take the wrong path, but we are not truly lost. We are always somewhere, even if we don't know where that 'somewhere' is. We can find our way back if we remember who we are, not where we are. Don't think about where you've been. Think about where your headed.

🙂

Day-18

Still going strong & “Amanda” free & clean... Not even thinking about it at the moment, I’m so busy with projects at work & consumed by it but in a brilliant way & getting so much satisfaction out of my job... Also planning my workouts & routine in the gym giving myself a forward plan with goals & loving everything that’s coming about with my fitness & health... So spent & spending a lot of time structuring things around my mindfulness & mental health & feeling good about this today & at the moment...

I had a huge melt down & argument with my girlfriend over the weekend & every inch of my mind body & soul hate & hurt from it. Arguing with my lady is awful & I wish it didn’t ever have to happen & I wish we didn’t argue as it leaves us both upset & drained & in the past puts a wedge & distance between us which kind of repairs over time but it’s not forgotten... This was a particularly horrible argument because we both are full of mixed & raw emotions with what’s happening & going on right now... But to me something feels really good about where we can go from here... My lady may not always feel it or see it or I may not always show it but she is the most precious thing in the world to me & I love her more than I could have ever imagined to love another person (this obviously excludes children)... All she ever wants to do is protect me & help me & to save me, a lot of the time from myself... But she does it without question because she’s good inside & has a heart that is so pure... All she ever wants is to be protected & to feel safe & to feel that she is loved... Truly loved... What I can see clearly after the argument that we’ve had recently & before but more to the point after this argument is that I love her so bloody much & don’t ever want to see her in pain or hurting anymore... She deserves to feel like a princess & to feel safe without worry of anything but if there is to be worry to know that it’s ok because we’ve both got this because we together can handle anything... So this is now a new step change in my sobriety & recovery... Selfishly I know I need to save myself & love myself & respect myself before I can give myself completely to everyone that’s close to me BUT after the weekend I see clearly her pain & frustration in all of this & I know I have to be more open directly with her because we can heal & beat this together... All she’s ever wanted from the start of this is for me to let her in & I see that now & see why it’s important... For too long she’s felt on the sidelines feeling helpless but I’ve not seen it... I love & care about her & everything that she is & what she’s about to lose her to this dark & twisted world that I have been apart of...

So to quote some lyrics that sing true to me right in this moment... “I can see clearly now the rain has gone”...

I love my life because my lady is a part of it... And I love the future outlook of what it can be...

Speak again soon x

Day-20!!!!!

So today is day 20 of my sobriety & feeling really good about my recovery overall... Not had the urges or impulses thus far & that pleases me dearly... I am feeling close to maxed out on energy at the moment with everything that’s going on in life so I need to be aware of this a little more & take some time back to relax, I know the pressures are mainly coming from what I’m placing upon myself so I need to give myself some peace I think, obviously with the hell & understanding not taking a back seat..

Today I’m looking to have a little more tranquility run through me so I need to see what this looks like & how I will engage this... I will report back to myself later..

Speak again soon 

Day-20!!!!!

So today is day 20 of my sobriety & feeling really good about my recovery overall... Not had the urges or impulses thus far & that pleases me dearly... I am feeling close to maxed out on energy at the moment with everything that’s going on in life so I need to be aware of this a little more & take some time back to relax, I know the pressures are mainly coming from what I’m placing upon myself so I need to give myself some peace I think, obviously with the hell & understanding not taking a back seat..

Today I’m looking to have a little more tranquility run through me so I need to see what this looks like & how I will engage this... I will report back to myself later..

Speak again soon 

Day-24

Still going strong & “Amanda” free & clean..

Not been thinking about my gambling or things lately I’ve been in the moment of my surroundings... I’m not coming away from my diary I’ve just been with my family & enjoying their company.

Just wanted to pop in to acknowledge to myself how well I’m doing right now & feeling happy about things.

Speak again soon