Selfish and addicted baastard

Soon there is going to be a month since I have gamble. 

There is a long Easter weekend and I am going to enjoy it.  Watching films and also I have planed a trip.

Regarding gambling urges, I don't have any, but also I've never been a "everyday gambler".

GAMSTOP really helped me not to think about gambling, I highly recommend to subscribe to you.

I also read on this website, not like the first few days, bit I read new posts every 3-4 days.

I've just had a catch up with your story.  

Like you, I won't attend GA meetings.  I fear it would be career ending for me in my line of work! Others will disagree, and I guess that if i ever needed it, I could head out of town. 

Best thing for me is to GAMBLOCK, visit here regularly, share stories and challenge one another to stick at it. Enjoy the Easter weekend and I challenge you to reach 100 days!

Hi One of you

I am new to the site.  I just joined yesterday.  Like yourself I have now excluded myself from all the websites via Gam Stop for 5 years.  I am recently widowed. My husband passed away in February.  My gambling became a distraction.  I wasn't focussing on my game play.  I wasn't focussed on whether I won or lost.  It was merely something different to look at to take away the pain.  I have gambled for years.  Started in the arcades.  A little extra money for nice things.  moving onto online bingo in 2004. Before moving to online slots.  Never played anything else as I didn't understand them or to how play.  Stuck with what I thought knew.  Turns out the only thing I know is how to be a sucker and loose money.  I've has more of a loss over the years than a win.  As I said it came to a head for me with the loss of my husband.  Company picked up on it and called me when I was excessively gambling.  Explained about my husband and advised in light of this, I should exclude myself from gaming.  I agreed.  Stupid me thought this was across the board.  Few days later found myself able to log into another site.  Excessively deposited, they never picked up on this.  Until I contacted and advised them I had excluded myself.  They panicked and closed my account there and then. 

I'm now going to do one day at a time. Like you, I can't do meetings.  Fear of someone being there I know.  I don't mind talking this way.  Just not face to face.  I'm not ready for that. Good luck to you on your journey.

Just a short update, one month gamble free. I am going to bed now, I have to wake up tomorrow early for a Easter trip, I will write you in few days, longer post: how i am feeling, what I am doing...

When you gambled huge amounts, you mention it was usually after leaving parties early to gamble etc. Do you mind me asking were you on drugs when this happened or just drinking? Sorry if it's a personal question but your story seems very similar to my own.

Happy Easter.

I have never did drugs in my life. Usually I was drunk 

Hi all, just a quick update.

I have not been gambling over a month, I do not have any urges and I drink less (considerably less). I don't know if I drank to gamble or I gambled to drink.

Anyway, GAMSTOP did the trick for me, I am not trying to cheat the system and I would never go to casinos or bookies (never been my thing)

I found my life much stress free and also I have more money and I'm trying to catch up with my friends, I'm feeling guilty for everything in the past, for all the parties I left early, for all the unattended parties...so now I always insist paying for the drinks, it is like my way of telling them "sorry".

At work I don't see any difference in performing, I was very good employee even when I gambled, those 8. 10 hours I was switching off and I was working hard. Maybe I was performing better when I was gambling, in order to stop thinking for the previous night loss I was working harder. I don't know, I will have to wait and see on my next review.

I start watching a lot of series on Netflix, started following politics, reading and I clean my home every weekend. I couldn't do it in the past, I either had a hangover or I was feeling so down when I loose money, that I didn't want to do anything.

In the next period I have few holidays lined up. It is amazing how much you can save and what can you afford when you don't gamble. The life is beautiful, small things make you happy, such a sunny Easter 4 days off, 2 days trip with your friends.

However, I'm a gambling addict and I know it and I always going to be. I'm afraid of the addiction, I respect the addiction like a very dangerous enemy and I will do absolutely everything not to gamble again. It is very likely that I will be addict all my life, but I can live with it. The guilt what I have done in the past is still present, I regret a lot of things, but I can not do anything about it right now, that's in the past. My biggest regret is: Why I haven't done this 5 years ago? I can't find the answer on that question - because there isn't. My only logical answer is: "there was not GAMSTOP 5 years ago", but I know that is not true. There was other mechanisms to stop it, I never use any of them!

So, that is in the past, I cannot change it, but show must go on. I will focus on the future and in the next period I will be extra nice with the people around me, trying to fix whatever relationship I broke in the past and lies I told them. At some point after a year I will tell them everything. To my family and my friends, I will tell them the truth. Right now I can't do it, I still feel very much ashamed of my actions.

Thank you for reading.

Hi

Beating your self up is not healthy.

The past can not be changed but our future can be.

I to felt angry bitter and twisted up about myself before my recovery.

The addiction is just an indicator that you are emotionally vulnerable.

With my addiction I would escape in my fears from people life and situations I could not cope with.

My nervous state of mind indicated that I was not a very healthy person.

Beating myself and calling myself names achieved nothing healthy. 

Only when I respected myself could I respect other people.

Only when I loved myself could I love other people.

In time that hurt traumatized inner child would come out to play.

I was for sure a victim as a child, then I became a perpetrator.

Today I do not want to hurt my self or hurt other people.

 Only once I attended meetings regularly and put more time and effort in to my recovery would the healing process begin.

It was not possible to heal all the time I was self abusing myself through my addictions and my obsessions.

Abuse of any kind is unacceptable today.

Abusing myself is not healthy today so I have given it up just for today.

I started to understand that my unhealthy swearing was an indicator that I was unable to articulate myself in healthy ways.

Since my recovery my communications skills are on the up and up.

Until I was willing to commit myself to recovery completely I was destined to repeat history over and over again.

Recovery is about healthy living, no more lies, no more self abuse, opening up to the possibity of living a healthy life a day at a time.

Love and best wishes 

Dave L

AK Dave of Beckenham.

Posted by: Oneofyou

Where should I start!

I guess at the beginning.

I've been gambling all my life, since I was born. I believe I gambled even before I was born, rumour has it 3 months before - unconfirmed story, but never denied.

In gambling world I've seen everything, when I say everything, I really mean everything. .

There isn't game invented I haven't gamble: poker, black jack, roulette, baccarat, lottery, backgammon, slots, sports bets....you name it - I've done it.

I am now 39 years old, got a good prosperous career, very decent education and good earning. If I did not gamble I would have probably looking for a retirement in 4-5 years.

People know me as an easy going person, with a sense of humour and I can see them that they enjoy my presence. So far it was the positive news.

Let me start with the negative news:

I am a selfish and addicted b*****d, which does not care about anyone's feelings. No matter how good is the party or gathering or event I always leave early, go home, continue drinking and gamble online. No matter if ladies are interested in me, or a friend wants to talk to me about problems - I leave the party!

Why? To gamble!

Why? Because I'm a selfish, addicted baastard, ignorant and most likely I do not care about the others. Sociopath by definition!

I've definitely lost 6 figures. I'm not "day to day" gambler. I gamble when I have a time - I never go to casinos and I never go to bookies. My weakness is online gambling. I've been in casinos and bookies few times, but I don't like to atmosphere there and also I feel sorry for the people, which makes me feel sad - so I have been there probably 7-8 years ago and I very likely never go.

I've tried few times to stop gambling, but I was doing something wrong, will power is definitely not enough. I know, I've tried.

I've lost a lot of money on 27-28/FEB and decided to stop. Few weeks later after the initial sick feeling which was gone, I had an urge to gamble, gambled, lost I do not even remember and stopped.

I thought there: must be a way to stop gambling completely and stop being such a selfish bustard and an idiot. People like you, they want to spend time with you, they want to joke with you and laugh...What do you do? You don't care about them, you leave and gamble!

So I registered to GAMSTOP for 5 years (if they had for life I would do it), making selfi at home with a driving licence like a c****n, sending them proof of address......Few days latter I tried to log in all my 15 accounts on various web sites and I could not. Brilliant, love them.

Today I had time and urge to gamble. I thought I will play poker few tournaments. I went on few on my favourites sites, I was blocked (I swear at GAMSTOP - sorry). After 15-20 min search online I found American dodgy poker site and I thought "Er we go - lets play". I registered, deposited, tried to register on some tournaments I could not - they've said it is a problem with my account. I tried to withdraw the deposit - I could not - they've said my account has been only few hours and I have to do some hedging requirements.....

I played the deposit on black jack - win, loose, win, loose, loose, loose - eventually (15 min) loose. I felt cheated, bullied. I did not want to play - there was not even a point playing, even I had won they wouldn't pay it.

I thought: "I would never, ever play again".

Right mow I'm going to register and write my story to that forum I've been monitoring for few months, but never had a "balls" to write about me. I was just reading about same people as me. I read their experience like a voyeur, now is the time to tell them my story.

So I guess tomorrow is my first day of recovery and I hope this time what I am doing different from the past is: self-exclude with GAMSTOP.

I'm not going to visit GA meetings for few reasons:

1. I'm afraid someone will recognise me - no one knows about my addiction

2. I don't have time

3. Listening other people unfortunate stories make me really sad for few days.

I'm not going to write every day here and I'm not going to give advices to anyone (because I'm not the right person for advice, if I knew how to stop gambling I wouldn't be here ), but I will read your responses and probably once a week I will write you an update of my situation.

Thank you for reading.

Hi

I   found out that beating my self up and calling myself names was not helpful at all.

Over time I would recognize that  when I went to my addictions and obsessions I was emotionally vulnerable and was escaping people life and situations I was not able to cope with emotionally.

My addictions and obsessions indicated that in my life was emotionally vulnerable long before my addictions and obsessions came in to play.

My unhealthy reactions to people life and situations caused to to do or say some very unhealthy things in my life.

The gambling establishments never stole from me, I gave in to them, they never made me do any thing that I did not  want to do.

The gambling establishments never lied to my family I did.

Every time I lied fears grew with in me.

I told lies to escape responsibility for my unhealthy actions and for my unhealthy words.

Being honest with me started by answering the twenty questions to myself honestly on my own.

The recovery program was a manual to help myself find a much healthier way of living.

The recovery program was not going to stop me gambling, that was going to my choice.

The recovery program was not going to stop me lying, that was going to my choice.

The recovery program was going to help me set up boundaries so that I have the choice to live a much healthier life one day at a time.

Only once I admitted to myself that I was unhealthy could I get healthy.

It is like going to a doctor and asking him to make you better and they say you are not sick.

The person I feared facing the most walking in to the recovery program was myself.

How long did it take me to admit to myself that I had been hurt from a very early age.

How long did it take me to for me to give up telling the same sad war stories over and over again.

Talking about gambling and money time and time again was me living in the past and not peeling back the onion and let the pains heal.

Only once I did recovery for myself, to be completely selfish about my recovery would it work for me.

Pride in myself is the reward for working hard on my recovery.

I am asked often if you have not gambled in so long why still attend the meetings.

For me each time we share with each therapy I see myself in other people who I use to be but more importantly who I can become.

In each meeting I see more possibilities of new challenges and new goals in my life today.

Understanding our procrastination and dealing with it makes a big difference in our recovery.

Love and peace to every one

Dave L

AKA Dave of Beckenham

Amazingly refreshing honest story!! Very brave to speak so openly about your vulnerability!  It's so authentic and I can relate so so much to everything you have  said.  The early days of hurt and using gambling to avoid dealing with emotional pain.

I wish you success on your journey going forward and I have no doubt that you have got this and will go on to lead the enriched life that you deserve.

Thank you for sharing ?