Rock bottom gets worse

Congratulations Lively on your excellent progress. You are 120 days into your gamble free adventure and are determined to rediscover over your life.

Not only do I have the utmost respect for your courage, integrity and resilience, I also respect the compassion and understanding you show to others in recovery. 

Reading of your shopping expedition to Tesco brought a big smile of understanding to my face. It is, like you say, a surreal but enjoyable experience to put little treats in the trolley without worrying about the state of our finances. 

Thank you for visiting my diary earlier. I love your poem and reading it made me laugh and smile. I will be writing it out in coloured gel pens to put on display in my kitchen. 

Wishing you a nice relaxing weekend. I am still sending healing vibes for your poorly back and hoping it is starting to feel better now you are taking a break from work.

Stephen x 

Wow I'm so pleased for you. Keep going you deserve to succeed

Ty  lively for your encouragement on my diary. I find posting very positive thing for me. And encouragement from people like yourself means a lot and is helping keeping that day count going up !!

Morning Lively. Just popped by to wish you a super duper week.

Impressed with your post on Scotty's diary this morning. You certainly have a great deal of insight and understanding of what we are up against so a big thankyou from me to you for sharing your views. 

Your words in chat yesterday prompted me to come up with the following mantra which I like:

???"I am a compulsive gambler in recovery and I am in control."???

Trust you are getting out and about for little strolls and savouring the beauty and splendour of our pleasant land.

My thought for the day is:

Fresh air, gentle exercise and a nutritional diet.

Stephen x 

Thank you Stephen for your kind words. It always brightens up my day when I have a message from you. 

Thank you to Charlieboy and Kev for your words of support. 

Day 124

Yesterday was a funny day with lots of ups and downs. It was also payday and happy in the knowledge that everything is paid for the month with money left over. Another chunk of debt paid off and the balance is going down. 

Didnt do very much yesterday as I lacked motivation so hoping I’ll find some today when I’ve eventually had some sleep. I don’t know why I can’t seem to sleep these days, it’s almost 7am and I still haven’t had a wink of sleep. I’m sure this isn’t helping my emotions, especially as being tired increases my pain as it was the same yesterday. I hope I can get into a regular sleep pattern again soon. Still, on the positive I had a nice chat with someone else who couldn’t sleep. 

Really going to give myself a good talking to when I get up to get some stuff done I’d planned to do so I’ve done something productive. All good on the gambling front - no urges and I am very content having money in the bank. Even when I do see adverts now I think to myself, I’ve got money in the bank so why would I even want to gamble. I find it amazing how now I can look at it in such a logical way and know that no good will ever come of it, that I didn’t ever really enjoy it, it was almost a slow painful torture and that it was my brain making excuses about if I just win this much that I’ll be able to pay this, this and that. What a terrible lie because the truth of it is, if I don’t gamble I can pay those things anyway, and that actually if I gambled non of those things would be paid. Even at times when I’m bored, which was my no1 trigger, the rational thoughts come into play and not the sneaky (hypothetical)  voice in the background saying ‘go on, just a few goes, it won’t do any harm’. 

Life is calm and that’s how I intend it to stay. 

Hello Lively. Hope you are feeling good and enjoyed a peaceful nights sleep.

That final paragraph of your above post really struck a chord with me. 

When thinking rationally I know perfectly well that the only thing I will ever get from gambling is remorse, shame and guilt so all I have to do is continue using a bit of common sense.

You certainly have a very good understanding of gambling addiction and I am often inspired by your words of wisdom. Many thanks for your help.

Wishing you every happiness today and throughout July.

Love and best wishes

Stephen x 

Hi lively thanks for your kind words dreams can seem to be so real  been trying to do some mindfulness before I go to sleep not work yet but will keep trying I know that they are only  dreams I had them when I stopped gambling then they stopped I hope they stop soon hope you are ok it’s bit wet in wales today just got back from my walk going to  have a coffee and a nice  piece of cake no not banana cake ?  hope to pop in chat later your friend scotty ??❤️

Many thanks for visiting my diary Lively. Your words always strike a chord with me and your last post was no exception. As you so rightly pointed out:

"I dont need gambling as my crutch anymore as I am strong enough to stand alone." 

Very wise words which I have written out in my gel pens and put up on the wall in my kitchen to help keep my thoughts focussed.

Pleased you and your lovely daughter enjoyed your outing. It is good to get out and about.

Wishing you a super duper weekend

Love and best wishes from Stephen x 

Hello Lively. Hope you are having a lovely weekend.

I imagine you will be fast asleep and having nice dreams as it is past midnight so will type this very quietly ??. 

Not much to say really but thought I would pop by and give you my regards.

Wishing you a super duper Sunday.

Stephen x 

Many thanks for visiting my diary Lively. Your kind words and great sense of humour brought a smile to my face  I am indeed enjoying luxurious porridge every morning ??.

As you rightly point out, our finances do improve as we progress on our gamble free journeys but it is winning back our freedom that is the biggest cause for celebration. For a long time we existed under the tyrannical rule of gambling addiction but them days are over. 

We now choose what we want to do with our lives, we make the decisions and we accept responsibility for our actions.

We have the power, we have the knowledge and we will succeed?.

I enjoyed reading the above post by Stace and totally agree with her sentiments. You are indeed an amazing lady and I am always inspired by your courage, wisdom and understanding.

Wishing you a super duper weekend.

Stephen x 

Ps. I will give the chatroom a miss this evening as the rain has stopped so will go for a walk but look forward to seeing you in there over the weekend.

Hi Lively, 

I read your whole story last week and it was very very emotional, from the sitting in the car with your £1 cheeseburger all the way to where you are now. However, I've just read it again as I feel I was more ready to take it in now I know what was coming. 

It really made me realise and remember how bad gambling can be and the dark places it can take you but also how amazing life can be without it and that anyone can turn it around even when you think there's no hope. 

I think reading your story has motivated me even more than the fact I've lost a lot of money gambling as I think when you read someone else's transformation it gives you so much more motivation as you can see a real life example of seeing someone turn their life around, so thank you 🙂 And good luck on the rest of your journey! I look forward to more positive updates... 

Hi Stephen and JMW,

Thank you for both of your lovely supportive posts on my diary. Stephen, I have just dropped by your diary to check in with you. 

JMW,  thank you for taking the time to read my diary TWICE. 

Gambling can indeed take you to dark places, darker than most places we have been before but I can assure you that with time away from gambling, happiness can be found and most importantly, it allows you to find YOU again which is the most important thing we lose, far more then the money. I wish you well on your journey and will look out for your diary to see how you are getting on. 

Day 141 - I cannot believe where the last 41 days have disappeared since hitting 100 days and very quickly approaching my next target of 150. When I reflect on the last few years I’m sometimes sad I didn’t tackle this properly earlier, however, I then also think this is what has led me to where I am today and maybe things would be different or worse in a different way - I will never know. What I do know is that I am happy! Not the fake happy that I use to pretend to be to put on a show but genuinely happy and enjoying what life has to offer. No more fake smiles or the false “I am okay”.  I have never felt so light footed and free from carrying heavy loads on my shoulders. This is the life I choose now, and for the rest of my future. There will be good and bad times ahead but I now have the mental strength to get through these without feeling like I’m chained and at the bottom of a hole.

I am no longer my own prisoner. 

Good morning lively I hope you are well I have had a bad a very bad chest infection but I am much better now I have had no bad dreams for the past few nights I had to fight the demons on Tuesday but I feel very proud that I won and can say I am still gamble ? just got to win the seizures battle now I think that could be a bigger battle but sun is out and going for walk now with my dogs     your friend scotty ??

Hi lively good morning I hope you are well and not working to hard I will be away from chat for a few day we are packing are campervan and off to west wales Newquay to have some R&R hope you are well I miss you by a few mins on Sunday so sad to see one of are gam-care family struggling I seem to have stop dreaming this week I hope it continues Thanks for listening your friend scotty ❤️???    

Really enjoyed chat tonight , will be on the one in the morning if u can make it ? Hopefully see you their ?