Rock bottom gets worse

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Livelysoul
(@livelysoul)
Posts: 403
Topic starter
 

Hi Murlo

Thsnks!

I wasn’t planning on chatting to an advisor again tonight as I’m conscious about taking up their precious time, plus I don’t know what else to say other then what I already said earlier. 

I’m still currently in my car and debating whether to drive to the McDonald’s round the corner to use the last pound I have on my card to get something to eat. I hadn’t realised until I was chatting to the chat advisor that I haven’t eaten anything since Friday early evening. Then from there I may consider driving home. To be honest I’m surprised I haven’t had a message from my daughter asking where I am. That in itself is unusual.

 
Posted : 1st March 2020 10:07 pm
Murlo
(@murlo)
Posts: 1355
 

Bex,

Keep your pound and just drive home and have something to eat there. I am just so relieved that you are thinking of going home. Please do. I will keep bugging you all night until I know you are safe ?

 
Posted : 1st March 2020 10:11 pm
(@mark-powell)
Posts: 156
 
Posted by: Lonelysoul

A few things I have done whilst sat in my car is I’ve contacted the bingo hall where I did the damage and asked to be permanently excluded. This is really the only place I would go or have access to and enjoyed going to so at least that is covered. I also logged into an old account of mine on the national lottery and submitted a lifetime exclusion so I’ll never be able to access that again either. It’s a shame that we only do these things once the real damage has been done and not as a foresight. 

I joined Gamstop a long time ago and this put a quash to any online gambling. 

 

Well done! Your time has given you an opportunity to reflect, and act accordingly, I’m very proud of you for taking these steps, be proud of yourself too.

Mark

 
Posted : 1st March 2020 10:12 pm
Livelysoul
(@livelysoul)
Posts: 403
Topic starter
 

Hi Deidre

Thank you for your post and for your time earlier on chat line. All the staff that work at gamcare do an amazing job and are valued. 

I know what you are saying makes sense but I’m just not quite ready. Probably because I’m in pain, tired and hungry and just can’t take a berating at this minute. 

I will update if and when I go home. For now, I’m going to edge slightly closer to home and get a 99p cheese burger before I pass out. 

 
Posted : 1st March 2020 10:13 pm
Livelysoul
(@livelysoul)
Posts: 403
Topic starter
 

Thanks murlo and mark. I’m actually overwhelmed at the support and encouragement I have had from the forum this evening. Any advice on the sork situation? What would you do as I really don’t know...

 
Posted : 1st March 2020 10:15 pm
Livelysoul
(@livelysoul)
Posts: 403
Topic starter
 

I’m now sat in McDonald’s eating a cheeseburger. Sorry murlo. 

Ive just received the dreaded text from my daughter asking if I’m out with my friend and when am I transferring the money to her for the bills. Don’t know what to say...

 
Posted : 1st March 2020 10:33 pm
Murlo
(@murlo)
Posts: 1355
 

Bex,

The only advice I can give is from my own experience. I nearly took my own life because I could not see a way out of a situation that was perfectly sortable. I know that now because I am here. I spent a night like you are, sitting in my car, wondering what the f**k to do. After I reached out for help from the Samaritans and GamCare I did the only thing that made sense. Go home, take a deep breath and get the support that I needed. Money comes and money goes. You can sort out the financial stuff with help. It may well be that not all of your family stand by you. Mine haven’t. I can live with that because I know I am in recovery and becoming a better person. 

We can do this together x

This post was modified 4 years ago by Murlo
 
Posted : 1st March 2020 10:42 pm
DramaLlama
(@dramallama)
Posts: 920
 

Bex, 

Good you are eating summat.

Do you have a colleague or friend who lives near you and travels your way that you can get a lift to work with? 

Is it so far that you can't walk to work? 

Your idea to get a note off the GP to cover you for a week or two wasn't a bad shout. Gives you some breathing space and forgive me but when in form, we deffo aren't well so it's not even lying. 

re: the text. Message her to let her know you are safe and will be back soon. Then go home. Apologise and then politely tell her you don't wish to argue. She's allowed to be mad but you will sort stuff out tommoz. Shouting and carrying on won't fix ought tonight. Then park it. Go sleep. 

Love you mate. You are a good egg. 

You're already doing good things to build up your barriers already. 

Drama x

 

 
Posted : 1st March 2020 10:43 pm
Livelysoul
(@livelysoul)
Posts: 403
Topic starter
 

Thanks murlo and Drama. 

I know what you’re saying is true murlo, but earlier this afternoon it did seem like an option. I just don’t want to endure this pain anymore or inflict this madness on anyone else, least of all my daughter. She is my purpose for living and yet I can be so idiotic to hurt and betray her. The damage I’ve done to her today’s is inexcusable. 

Drama, it’s about a 100 mile round trip to work so walking isn’t an option and because of where I live, there’s no chance of getting public transport or a car share.  Travel costs and my car are my biggest outgoing after rent. That’s why this is lunacy. Thanks for saying I’m a good egg but I feel everything other than the word good. I can think of a few names but none that would be polite enough to write on here. 

 
Posted : 1st March 2020 10:53 pm
Murlo
(@murlo)
Posts: 1355
 

Bex,

what I love the most about your last post is that you say your daughter is your reason for living, that is why I know you will find the strength to go home. I am worried about you but I know you have it in you to get through this x

 
Posted : 1st March 2020 11:01 pm
Livelysoul
(@livelysoul)
Posts: 403
Topic starter
 

She is my reason for living murlo, I don’t have much else good in my life. But if she can’t forgive me and wants to go separate ways then what do I have left?

 
Posted : 1st March 2020 11:02 pm
DramaLlama
(@dramallama)
Posts: 920
 

Bex, 

I've been in your shoes mate and the worst part is the waiting. It's not easy for her either, she knows what's coming. It's prolly winding her up and much as it's upsetting you. Rip the bandaid off, get it said and then you can both work together to make sure neither of you ever has to go through this again. 

This is rock bottom, it sucks. Clues in the name mate but you will come away from this stronger and more determined to recover. I know it. I believe in you. 

Drama x

 
Posted : 1st March 2020 11:09 pm
Murlo
(@murlo)
Posts: 1355
 

Bex,

I absolutely know how you are feeling right now. I guess what I did in that same moment was to think a bit about my reason for being, my hubby. I got to the stage where I kind of felt that i had so much love for him that I needed to tell him. I wanted to express things to him. In that moment I believed he would leave me. It was maybe the 4th time I had told him I had relapsed again. He didn’t but that probably isn’t even the issue. I am waffling but I hope you can understand what I am trying to say

 
Posted : 1st March 2020 11:10 pm
Livelysoul
(@livelysoul)
Posts: 403
Topic starter
 

I know what you both mean and I don’t really care about the consequences for me really, I don’t deserve any less but what I do care about is my daughters feelings and how it impacts her. If only I gave that a thought when I was in my moment of madness. 

 
Posted : 1st March 2020 11:33 pm
Murlo
(@murlo)
Posts: 1355
 

Bex,

we have an addiction, sadly it doesn’t stop to prevent us from harming our loved ones or ourselves. I can feel your pain. I really hope you can head home and be with her x

 
Posted : 1st March 2020 11:38 pm
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