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Livelysoul
(@livelysoul)

Iam currently sat in my car in the countryside contemplating what I should do. 

Over the past two days I have blown my wages before paying bills and am in a state of despair. I’d promised myself I wouldn’t ever be here again. Last night and earlier today I contemplated doing something bad as I just don’t want to continue living like this. This addiction is evil and has turned me into a monster. My daughter is currently unaware and I am avoiding going home - I know she won’t forgive me this time. Each time is worst then the last, I really don’t know what to do anymore or where to turn. 

Ive got no fuel to get to work so going to be in bother with my job and home will be awful as my daughter won’t forgive me this time, nor do I expect her to. She deserves so much more than a dysfunctional mum who is ruining her life. I seriously questioned whether she would be better off without me today - who knows. It would only trade one oain for another. 

My life is crumbling around me and I don’t have the mental strength to fight it right now. 

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Posted : 1st March 2020 7:38 pm
Murlo
(@murlo)

Lonelysoul,

I know it must feel like there are not many options for you right now, there are and you can get through this with the right support.  If you haven't already, please call someone who can help you with how you are feeling right now. There will also be plenty of familiar faces on group chat tonight if you are able to pop in. It would be really good to see you x

This post was modified 4 months ago by Murlo
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Posted : 1st March 2020 7:56 pm
Recovery Russ
(@recovery-russ)

Lonleysoul,

Before you decide on a permanent solution to a temporary problem have a think about your daughter. She may be annoyed at you, she may not forgive you but I would be sure she does not want her mother to become a statistic. 

Now, I have seen people turn their lives around in recovery, me included. I gambled for 14+ years, didn't think I could live without it. Put gambling above my two kids, my partner, my family and my friends. I thought I loved gambling, I thought it loved me. I thought the only way I could fix things was by gambling my way out.

I couldn't have been more wrong. Recovery is what I needed. Not just stopping gambling, but actually getting myself into recovery by going to meetings and working on becoming a better person. I hated myself, always have and that's what I was escaping from when I was gambling. Not today though. Tomorrow will be 11 months since my last bet. There is hope in recovery.

All you need to do is reach out and grab the help that is available.

Russ

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Posted : 1st March 2020 7:56 pm
Mark Powell
(@mark-powell)

Hi lonely soul

Rest assured, you are definitely not lonely, you have been extremely brave to reach out for help.

Please do not do anything silly, i have been there with those thoughts, as I was the night before I confessed all to my wife, knowing what I know now, and how life has been since, it’s one of those urges I’m glad I didn’t act on.

You are right, your daughter may not forgive you right away, but time is a great healer, and she will want to see you get better. There will always be time for her to forgive you.

Short term it is important that you somehow address your priority bills for the month of March, I do not know your situation so can’t advise how to do it, but do not bury your head in the sand, these short term worries will not disappear, and they need to be tackled head on.

You have conquered 1 half of the first step in your recovery by reaching out for help on here, now be brave and go and complete the step. Go home, confess what you are to your daughter, and ask for her help in your recovery, for you can’t do it alone.

The first step is always the hardest one to make, buts the one that makes all the other steps so much easier.

stay safe, please.

Mark

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Posted : 1st March 2020 8:03 pm
Livelysoul
(@livelysoul)

Thank you for the replies. Still sat in the car - cold, hungry and in pain but nothing less then I deserve for the destruction I’ve caused. 

Tried to log in to chat for last 15 minutes but just keep getting a “for private users only” and won’t let me in 😭

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Posted : 1st March 2020 8:21 pm
The fun has stopped
(@fun-has-stopped)

I really feel your pain but please dont ever think theres no way out or that your daughter could ever be better off without youit would break her heart. She might be annoyed at you for awhile but yous can work through it. I have a daughter and am pregnant with my second, I've done the same as you many times and hated myself for it, but the thought of leaving my daughter without a mam breaks my heart. You can get through this, and you can beat this addiction, try and stay positive. Maybe try calling a helpline? 

This post was modified 4 months ago by The fun has stopped
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Posted : 1st March 2020 8:41 pm
DramaLlama
(@dramallama)
Posted by: Lonelysoul

Thank you for the replies. Still sat in the car - cold, hungry and in pain but nothing less then I deserve for the destruction I’ve caused. 

Tried to log in to chat for last 15 minutes but just keep getting a “for private users only” and won’t let me in 😭

Clear your cache memory and try again. Usually works for me. 

If that doesn't work call the Helpline. The advisors there will offer you one on one support and a way through this. Please don't do ought drastic. 

Drama x

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Posted : 1st March 2020 8:42 pm
Livelysoul
(@livelysoul)

Thank you everyone for your kind words. 

I really just don’t know what to do anymore.  I want to tell my mum but I know she will disown me for good this time so I just can’t. It doesn’t mean that when my daughter finds out that she won’t tell her. I’m just a complete mess! 

I tried everything Drama but nothing worked to get on chat. Absolutely gutted as I really just needed to talk to some people. 

I spoke to a lovely advisor earlier when I was considering my options and that helped a little bit still can’t find the courage to go home. I may just sleep in the car, it’s not like I’m going to be going to work tomorrow as I have no fuel to get there. Just more problems I’ve caused myself as I’m going to be in bother at work as well. Not sure how much more I can take. 

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Posted : 1st March 2020 9:09 pm
DramaLlama
(@dramallama)

Please don't sleep in the car. It's cold, it's not comfortable and it's not safe. 

You have your own bed and the least you can do for yourself is try and get a good nights rest in your own bed before you have to begin to deal with whatever you did today. 

The debts and the being skint and everything sort themselves out pretty quick once you stop gambling and often people surprise you with how they react. 

You didn't miss ought in chat tonight. Pretty sure there was a troll in there being a div. That would have done you no good. 

You can call the helpline again you know, there's not a limit on it. If you're in a bad place, they will always listen to you. 

Drama x

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Posted : 1st March 2020 9:16 pm
Livelysoul
(@livelysoul)

Thanks Drama, your kind words mean a lot. I want to be in my warm bed but the second I get through the front door I’ll have to face my daughter which I just can’t do at this minute so the car option seems more appealing, although I never thought about it being safe- and in all honesty, that’s the least of my worries right now. I’m just trying to work out what I’m going to say in an email to my boss. I was off sick some of last week so not going to look good. Not sure if to just say I’m still I’ll as antibiotics haven’t really helped or admit that I have mental heath issues affecting me and that I need to see a doctor. I know I’d be useless in work at the minute even if I could get money for fuel. Really not sure what to do...

ReplyQuote
Posted : 1st March 2020 9:36 pm
Murlo
(@murlo)

Lonelysoul, you have a whole community of people here who care about you and want to support you no matter what you are going through.  I am so glad you have posted again. I know you know this is a safe place for us all to come to share and support each other. What is the worst thing that could happen if you went home? I suspect it will not as bad as any alternative. I say that because I have been where you are right now and understand how it feels to face loved ones again after a relapse. 

You are not alone and never will be as long as you keep reaching out for support. So sorry you couldn't get into chat tonight, it would be great to speak tomorrow if you are able to.

Be safe Bex.

 

 

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Posted : 1st March 2020 9:51 pm
Livelysoul
(@livelysoul)

Thanks for your kind words of support murlo. I know I’m just delaying the inevitable but my mind is so fragile right now that I can’t cope with being shouted at. I’m glad I have this forum and the chat advisors to come to otherwise I’m not sure what I’d have done. This addiction is so lonely, I wouldn’t wish this o. My worst enemy. 

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Posted : 1st March 2020 9:54 pm
Murlo
(@murlo)

You are very definitely not alone Bex. We care about you

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Posted : 1st March 2020 9:58 pm
Murlo
(@murlo)

Are you planning a chat with the advisors again tonight? I would love to know that you choose to go home and are safe

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Posted : 1st March 2020 9:59 pm
Livelysoul
(@livelysoul)

A few things I have done whilst sat in my car is I’ve contacted the bingo hall where I did the damage and asked to be permanently excluded. This is really the only place I would go or have access to and enjoyed going to so at least that is covered. I also logged into an old account of mine on the national lottery and submitted a lifetime exclusion so I’ll never be able to access that again either. It’s a shame that we only do these things once the real damage has been done and not as a foresight. 

I joined Gamstop a long time ago and this put a quash to any online gambling. 

 

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Posted : 1st March 2020 10:03 pm
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