Road to recovery

I'm a fool. 

Really sad and embarrassed to admit that I failed yesterday evening - I got into an online casino and deposited, fully expecting it to decline my deposit, but it didn't. And then I deposited some more once I got going. So we are back on 1 day GF today. I'm gutted because I thought I done really well getting to 71 days - it's the highest I've been since this whole thing started. Just hope that really was the end.

What's interesting is I actually made a good profit, but I'm not celebrating - I'm actually just full of disgust that even though I'm getting money, I went and broke my GF streak. This cannot happen again. Normally when I used to gamble I always already skint anyway so gambling put me in a very poor financial situation and I'd wonder how I'd get through the month, often spending my pay within a few days. Not this time though, which is a good feeling as I saw my senses after a little while.

I thought of the idea of just never posting here again, or posting and pretending it was just a little blip and nobody really needs to know about it but I need to stand up to it and face it. I need to take responsibility for what I've done.

Even though I won, I need to remember this feeling that even winning just fills me with absolute dread and regret. I don't want this feeling again. I was absolutely gutted last night once I finished my little binge. Already feeling a bit more positive today which is good but still so annoyed at myself for having that slip up when all was going so well.

It's not all about the relapse. It's about acknowledging the way this makes you feel which clearly you have done. Relapse is the same, whether you win or whether you lose. The outcome of your gambling is irrelevant as you can see and feel this by your post. You have won, but it did not make you happy. This means that although you gave in and gambled, you can feel the resistance and the upset that this has caused you. Gambling again will upset your brain chemistry and confuse you. You are feeling conflicted because you won some money, yet you are disappointed in gambling again. This is because your attitude to gambling is changing and is a very positive sign. We often think our addiction is about winning, but it is not. If it were, we would all have given up long ago. We are as much addicted to the act of gambling as we are the winning. Ask yourself how many times you have been well up and couldn't walk away with the win, putting it all back in until you came away with nothing? The win doesn't satisfy does it? It's not the money, it's the constant involvement and immersion in gambling that we crave. 

It is also not failure to relapse. It is only a failure if you do not learn from your experience which you clearly have. Your post is much like mine from a couple of years ago, and now I have done over 800 days GF. These little changes in the way you approach your gambling all stack up to a slowly changing mindset that will one day lead you to the life of a non gambler. 

Learn from every mistake. That's the most important thing. Before I really started stacking up the days, I used to get as far as depositing in an account, then hover over the tabs and stare at the screen.....I knew it wasn't really what I wanted, and I would withdraw the deposit and close the account. You can feel the change coming and this is good. Note the way that this relapse has made you feel and remember it. Forget the win because it isn't really a win. It is a loss in disguise. A set up for a fall that will come if you choose to gamble again.

Gambling again unsettles you and makes you irritable, disappointed and confused. It is because you have altered your brain chemistry again and lit up the part of your brain that wants to bet. The lights will fade again and leave you be, but it is important not to gamble again as this will reinforce your addiction. Remember, you are giving up gambling because of the way that it harms you and the way it controls your mood. 

Don't think about giving up gambling in terms of money, whether won or lost. Neither one can make you stop gambling. Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose but overall, you still feel like c**P when you gamble and you can't get it out of your head. Winning does not make you happy, it unsettles you. Losing does not make you stop, it makes you lose more. You are not yourself when you gamble and you can feel that now and that is the main reason for stopping. It's hard to give up gambling because of the money because every time you win, you are encouraged to gamble some more. Every time you lose you are encouraged to gamble some more. There is no way out of the cycle except to look at giving up gambling for other reasons, more important reasons like your well being, your health, your loved ones......because these factors are affected by gambling whether you win or whether you lose. 

Well done for taking the time to post about your situation and for being honest. It's not just about being honest on here but also about being honest with yourself. Honesty is the best way to help yourself and I sincerely hope that you benefit from this feeling of disappointment and use it to fuel you onwards to the life of a non gambler. 

You have not failed because you relapsed. You can only relapse if you first decide to quit so be proud of the changes that you have made and get back on track and enjoy the peace of mind that comes with being gamble free. 

Youve done the right thing coming on and posting, that's what it's here for. You slipped and I understand that you're gutted, don't let it ruin that 71days they are still gamble free days no one can take that away from you. Put the slip behind you. I can't remember your story have you got gamstop on ? Move forward otherwise the regret could give you the urge again. Don't beat yourself up dust yourself off and go again. Next time you get an urge phone an advisor or come on the forum. You can do this x

Well done for coming back straight away, many including myself couldn't and haven't done that.

Is there anything that you could learn from yesterday? More blocks, being more open on here and reaching for help, go to GA or talk to the advisors?

Winning or losing doesn't matter but change does. If you need any advice please just ask otherwise keep going, one day at a time. You'll soon be back up there again.

Chris.

Sorry for getting back to you so late - I did read your comments a few days ago and wanted to thank you so much for reading and taking the time to comment. Your messages really touched me.

Hoping to learn a lot from this past week - onwards and upwards!

Day 9.

Well, had a much better week this week than last week. Still pretty annoyed that I went back down to 0 and now only at day 9 but hey ho, got to just keep moving on and taking it one day at a time. Looking forward to racking those days up and up again.

Back up at day 23 again. Still very early days after the last mess up, but not thought about gambling very much at all in the past week or two. Going well, hopefully! 🙂

Be positive it is going well. You could have hidden your relapse, you could of lied. You did neither you owned it and now you're 23 days again you're doing good don't be hard on yourself 

Be positive it is going well. You could have hidden your relapse, you could of lied. You did neither you owned it and now you're 23 days again you're doing good don't be hard on yourself 

I'm not doing so good. Really struggling. I've fallen off the wagon several times this week and back down to day 1. Been a hell-ish week as once I started it just kept enticing me back. It's not totally ruined me financially like it normally does (I'm actually really pleased with how my debt journey is going), but the money just isn't the point to this. It's the gambling.

Just going to keep going, stay strong, and take today as the start of a new week and break this vicious little cycle I've been in this week. Been sitting in my house all week, working long hours from home, barely been outside... going to have a nice long walk today, clear my head and restart everything. Feeling down but there's still some positivity in there. As I type this out, the more determined I feel. When I started this diary I really felt it was the end and got off to a good start, but after these few set backs, really need to get back on it!!

Thanks for all your ongoing support, it really helps! 🙂 

@t-positive a few posts up I asked what you could learn from your relapses. Is there anything you can change?

There's a saying and I'm paraphrasing here but "If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always got". Basically, something needs to change, not just a "grrr, I'm going to do it this time" and do nothing but more of a "I'm going to change this or do that" and actually do it.

I hope that makes sense and I hope you come on here more frequently.

Chris.

Keep trying don't give up hope as Chris said above now is the time to try something different. Keep posting we are here to support you

Thank you both for your comments and apologies for taking a while to respond - work has been crazy busy. Which is really good as it's taken my mind off everything that's happened here.

Chris - I really appreciate your posts and sincere apologies for not responding properly. You are totally right and I see that now. I've not really spoken to people about my gambling before, but this keeps happen so I guess this is the only thing I have left to change - open up about it and get support and help from those closest to me.

This is something I'll need to think about as it takes a lot of courage, and I'll be honest, right now I don't have that courage, but it does seem something needs to change and I can't think of anything else that change could be.

@t-positive That's okay. The fact that you want to stop is a good start, you'll get there I'm sure.

Just share on here to get started and maybe work up to attending GA. 

My experience shows that when YOU make the change it's stronger and better than being told by others but my advice on what you can do differently is just read the posts of those that appear successful and follow their lead.

I won't name any but you can see those doing well and those who aren't. Actually I will. Charlieboy is a good example.

Chris.

I need to make more of an effort to read other diaries on here. I started off doing that when I first started this diary, and it was so inspiring to read through pages and pages of diaries and seeing people go from struggling like I have been now to 100+/years of GF. I definitely need to read some more and stay on top and follow other people's journeys as we are all in similar positions!