Renaissance

Keep going ;o) stay strong. Beat this.

Well done on getting up to 14 days Down and Out.

The early days can be the hardest.

Obsessing over those long term debts is perfectly normal.

I hope you have have suitable arrangements in place to make the repayments manageable.

As well as putting in place suitable gambling blocks, this is another important step to helping you forget about the past damage and to look concentrate on today and the future.

Right behind you as ever.

Markman

Day 16

Thanks Markman and Signalman for, as they say, reaching out. It really does make a difference. I am starting to slowly recover and have been doing all sorts of extra bits of work to make money. Imagine if I had actually saved in the past. I would be more than comfortable. But I will in time pay off my debt and then hope to live normally.

I really am in the last chance saloon and just cannot gamble any more. With support and blocks in place as well as the experiences I have been through I am going to work to make this happen. I will need to start talking soon and feel nearly ready for this, although I am scared of opening up myself because I fear there is a lot of repressed emotions that might not be pleasant. Nevertheless I am sticking my head over the parapet so a little guarded optimism at last.

Markman I am going through the nervous nineties with you. Just take it in singles, a day at a time. As you know this is just the beginning but you have come very far and you sound well and balanced.Keep your bat straight.

Signalman you have realised that by supporting others your own recovery is more meaningful and I really admire the time and effort you give to those at every stage of this process. I know you have bad days and regrets but that’s normal You have many great days ahead of you as you clearly have a lot to offer.

I think as I get older and look back I tend to see a lot of the past ruined by gambling. That’s true to a point but I am sure it’s not all been bad and that between bad days, there were good times, often fulfilling moments. I don’t want my life history to be defined by gambling but, it does feel like that at times I guess for many of us when we think about the past.

But now is now. I will accept what I have lost in money and in my mental health/balance, and work again towards a better future. Slowly and gradually.

Best wishes to all.

Day 18

I am feeling low today. I think that’s inevitable if I want to begin dealing with what I have done rather than block it all out.

I can’t help thinking about all the bad decisions I have made both gambling and non - gambling and where I am in my life. I think for me, gambling had lots of causes and symptoms; frustration with my poor life choices, inability to handle money, inability to be emotionally mature, debt., addiction, self destruction, self/-loathing, self- sabotage, not caring about life, depressive tendencies etc etc. And of course gambling in the end just created more issues. I think that there are some people on here, who if they can truly address their gambling addiction the rest of their life starts to fall into place. I am not in that group. For me recovery must embrace a whole lot of stuff at the core. God I need to get back into therapy! Like I said in my last post I know there has been good parts to my past, but like losing on the wheel, it’s the bad moments and times that i feel much more prominently.

Some contributors here have had sad and difficult lives from childhood and can understand their gambling as a direct consequence. I had a good, although very religious, start really, so I have nowhere or nobody to blame or look at but myself and how I dealt badly with situations and how I still do.

Apologies for droning on. I find this helps.

Best wishes to everyone- keep strong x

Day 27

Still going. My relapse really hurt me badly. Not just financially but it has really brought me down and affected everything. I can’t remember feeling this awful for so long. I need to make it this time. It’s going to be a long slow road. Back to counselling tomorrow. so hopefully it’s the beginning of the end so to speak.

Hello

Sorry to hear you are feeling so 'down and out' friend - my heart goes out to you, it really does as I know that pain. Around day 30 of my journey I had a week off which was supposed to be spent doing stuff with the wife and kid - but I only got up out of my pit once during the whole 7 days as I was so depressed. So I'm not going to spout loads of motivational s**t at you now about how you shouldn't feel this way, life's too short etc etc because right now, at this moment, that's how you feel and it's overpowering. I get that and I know where youre at.

I can tell you this for a fact though. Your life can and will get better if you stick at this, gamble again and it will just get worse. You know that - it's obvious from what you post. Try not to think of journey as a load of brutal losses and failures - think more like a s**t boxer who has spent most of his life getting pummelled but for once in his life has made a exceptionally wise decision to throw in the towel and get out the game before he seriously gets hurt. Excellent judgement on your part.

Yeah you're probably doing it predominately because you've run out of beans now but so what - the point is you've chosen to stop now. End of. Be proud of that.

Yes this is different to the other times if you want it to be. I ran out of beans loads of times then still managed to continue gambling as I wasn't ready to stop. When you are ready to stop you feel it in your bones. As I've said on here before, if you're dwelling on all the dough you've lost in the past etc etc then that's recovery mate... It's a hell of a lot safer than being consumed by engineering your master plan to gamble all your money back. The former hurts and is a traumatic experience, but it is a sign of healing. The latter is symptomatic of someone who is still VERY sick.

Embrace this trauma mate. Think of it as the price you need to pay for the key to open that door for the better life, those thoughts and feelings will weaken as GF free time accumulates. Pay your dues, stay off a bet and soon you will be enjoying a better life and renewed self-esteem, hope, perspective and tenacity for life.

You wont feel this way forever, remember that. Gamble again though and you reset the clock for these emotions. Don't do that. 

Take care. Keep in touch. Thanks for checking in on my diary. It was great as always to hear from you.

Ps I hear you about the donations thing... One thing many recovering gamblers don't have is disposable income so feels a bit like fishing without bait imo ??

However we can donate time, support, compassion and love to other recovering gamblers destroyed by this illness which to me is priceless and probably goes much further than a couple of quid would ?

Ps if you don't access GA already you should give it a go... Sounds like it could be a powerful tonic for you right now, just what you need?

You sound very alone right now... I felt very alone after about a month or so. Entering GA showed me that it doesn't have to be this way. You get out as much as you put in when it comes to this recovery lark, people are there to help me along the way in GA, for that I am eternally grateful and will always try to be there for them if they need me.

Strength in numbers right? ?

Day 32

Slowly I think I am starting to feel a bit  better. 

Signalman everything you said above made absolute sense. Its been a bad month but I have now spoke to a few people about it and am back in counselling. I mean thinking about GA, although I didn’t feel comfortable last time.

I have never been more ready to quit for good and do feel it in my bones. I just want to be here in a year GF. I can’t do this again. For now one day at a time. Keep strong all.

You are coming through it, don’t dwell on s**t decisions we’ve all done it, keep off the gambling and things will work out better in life.Its a very long road back, I’m on it, but like you I need to stay on it, no going back no more chances for me.

good luck pal

Day 36

Today I met a single mum with two sets of twins aged 6 and 2. She had no money and couldn’t even top up the gas for hot water or the oven.

Why or how she got into that situation is complicated although not through any form of addiction. We sorted out some food for her and I gave her twenty pounds to top up and get a few essentials. She was enormously grateful.

 It made me think of the thousands I have wasted and how the value of money disappears when we gamble. It’s so easy to lose sight of  it in the haze of the madness. Twenty pounds can help someone - how could I blow thousands in an evening. It’s disgusting really.

Keep going everyone

Day 40.

No gambling. Need to start living again next and being a better human being, particularly at home. It’s all a process I know - and a slow one. Part of it is accepting the debts and that it will take a  couple of years to pay off. There comes a point that you just have to stop thinking about money and more about living life. The debts will go if I don’t gamble. My life will go if I don’t live. Keep strong everyone.

Well done on 40 days! And thanks for your post. ‘The debts will go if I don’t gamble. My life will go if I don’t live.’

That has helped me, the last day I’ve seemed to just been sitting here not knowing what to do with myself. Gambling filled so much of my time now it’s time to fill it with something better. Thanks and good luck

Thank you friend for visiting my diary, I appreciate your support and encouragement.

I have just been reading some of your posts and can empathise with the pain, uncertainty and confusion which you sometimes experience. 

I do like the title of your diary: "Renaissance," which i sincerely hope will record your transition from the sad gambler to the contented man who is at peace with himself and the world around him.

In one post you were wondering what "Rock Bottom" was! Well, I would take that notion with a pinch of salt. People have in the past said to me, "You relapsed because you hadn't reached rock bottom." A load of codswallop in my opinion because rock bottom to me is when your dead and gone. However, that is just my opinion.

I get the impression you are a seeker of the truth with a strong desire to make sense of your life. Your wisdom, courage and resilience will stand you in good stead as you battle to overcome the insidious addiction which has caused you so much strife.

Sadly, i must admit to not liking your user name. In my opinion, "Down and out" is not what you want to be reading every time you visit your diary, it has a very negative connotation.

Today you are 40 days without a bet

You have courage, strength and your heart is set

Look up to the heavens and give a big shout

Your heading for glory - Your not down and out

Thanks BBB and SSS for your replies. I take a lot of strength from them.

Stephen you are Sooo right about my miserable user name. Time for a change. I need to come out of my closet. So I’ll start with:

Hi my name’s Rob. I’m 48 years old. I’m a gambling addict. My last bet was on March 20 2019.

Feels strangely liberating!

Best to all

Day 42

Starting to feel better. More positive and over the worst. Now I have to start thinking, reflecting and finding a peaceful way to live. At this point all I really know is that I don’t need the gambling drug, It will end in disaster if I do. I am at the start of  a long process. 

Wherever you are in your journey, over time you will feel better if you abstain and maintain your abstinence.

Best to all