Renaissance

You are doing great, keep it up

Entering day 26

No gambling no urge. Trying to lift the darkness. One day at a time

You are saying all of the right words for yourself.

26 days is fantastic, keep up the great work.

NT

Day 27

Another Gf day completed. Given the amount I have lost and the lessons I failed to learn I do not feel proud, but also do not feel self loathing either. Just phlegmatic.

I have felt that some of the comments recently on the forum have been unhelpful. I think we must realise that there are different tools for everyone out there and it is important that we are open to them and open to change. Further just because something doesn’t work for me it doesn’t mean it won’t work for you. For example some on the forum don’t believe therapy works. For me it was a godsend. I realised how my psychological triggers worked with gambling and how my self esteem issues were very deep seated and how much shame I had carried over the years without letting go of my past. It’s not necessarily going to help everyone but it did me. Also I made sure I paid for it. Compared to the stupid amounts I lost gambling, it was nothing.

Did it stop me relapsing - yes for quite a while- but I then became complacent, thought I had cracked it and started gambling again. I’m not sure why, I think it was just escapism and boredom. Then the dopamine kicked in and I was well and truly hooked - the physiological took over from the psychological. I forgot that I couldn’t stop until it was too late.

What did I learn? Well never to be off guard, to keep reminding myself that I cannot stop, that I must take one day at a time. I also realised that I need support from others in the so that I don’t forget that I must abstain every day. But this time after my relapse I didn’t feel the pure self hate and suicidal thoughts of the past because I had dealt with a lot of issues, I was much more self aware and deep down I understood that I really should have known better. I made a bad mistake but I’m not defined by gambling and have much more self worth these days. Of course I am disappointed - very- but nothing more. I have to just deal with it.

I also understand the industry and those of you angry with it. I’m not particularly interested. We know they are pernicious and that much more controls should be placed on gambling and access to gambling - but aren’t we diverting? I can only blame myself.

Whilst I’m ranting I also have difficulty in calling my addiction an illness. I understand that for many that is how they define it. But for me this implies that I have no control over it. Perhaps at times I didn’t have control but I can’t help thinking that I wasn’t completely powerless at any point.

Good day to all.

Day 29 GF

Hope everyone has a calm, peaceful GF weekend

Moving into day 33

Can’t sleep. But GF.

The days do pass quickly. One day at a time.

Day 37

Another few days and no thoughts of gambling. I’m not expecting to have them for a while but I need to remain vigilant.

I do think that people do have different approaches to recovery and whilst it is always great to get advice there is no right or wrong way.

The main thing is to use the tools that work for you and remember why you came on the site originally and the feelings of consuming hopelessness (is that a word?!). Most of us here can’t stop once we begin and will always want more of the hit, usually leading to higher and more ridiculous stakes when chasing the hit or chasing losses. We know what will happen in the end...

Personally I can’t win because I can’t stop. And I need to remember that.

Keep strong everyone

How are you doing Down and Out? I am so pleased those gamble free days racking up. Me, updating my diary on work time as ever! Take Care, Markman

Day 52

Thanks MM always great to hear from you. I’ve been away and mostly off line so have not been on the site lately but remain detached from gambling.

Another payday and payback to creditors. I accept that this will not be so for the next 18 months at least with most of my income going that way.

Still that’s the contract I made.

I’m happy I’m not gambling. Another day gf.

Well that didn’t last long.

Back to the start again. Higher debts etc. Wretched addiction. Why am I so arrogant to think I can win? I never will win because I never can stop. This time feel very low and ashamed. When will I be at rock bottom? Going to go back to get some therapy. I know what I need to do but just find ways to damage myself. Obviously something is wrong with me.

I hope others are doing better.

“When will I be at rock bottom?”

I have pondered on this. I first attended GA in 1988 and had never heard of the notion of rock bottom before going inside the room.

my first thoughts, were “I’m bad, but no where near these guys, and I’m not at my personal rock bottom”

i honestly can say that I can’t identify a point in time that was a rock bottom, just a series of lows, lost jobs, financial disasters, that I just muddled though (just).

in the end, I was just really, really tired of the gambling life. Tired of the lies and deceit and juggling credit cards & loans. Tired of the sheer waste of time. Tired of thinking I couldn’t give up and it was pointless trying.

So day 11

At the moment I wake up every morning with the sinking feeling we all know so well. Gambling as an addiction is at least for me progressive - the more I gamble, the high i get requires a greater reward/risk to feed it. Coming off is a brain rewiring process which requires a lot of work. It’s a long road ahead. Day by day, with help I will try my best.

You can do this bro. It takes time... But every day you'll put a bit more distance between you and gambling. Stay strong. Life can and will become what you want it to be.

Day 11 is great.

I think that I hit my rock bottom the day that I put the first 2p in that first fruit machine and winning every gamble/collect.

I thought that I was invicible and that this was an easy way to success in life.

How wrong was that?!

NT

Thanks for the support guys. It really does help as I have kind of closed down at the moment. I am putting myself into work and starting the long road of debt repayments and obsessing over that, which isn’t healthy and is a distraction from real issues, but for now it’s okay.

NT that’s a brilliant point. If I look back to the hooks that brought us in, the start of this ridiculous and roller coaster journey, the invincibility fallacy, the failure to accept losses that follows etc then I know what you mean.

It is hard to recover, but every day is slightly better, even if life isn’t easy. For younger contributors - take steps now and don’t fight all your life with this. The addiction only gets worse over time.

Keep strong everyone and just take each day at a time.