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Rob71
(@rob71)

So I am entering day 3 gf and I want to begin a positive diary to build up my strength to deal with all the problems that I have created again. I was sick of looking at my last thread (and journey) since 2015 when I first joined and started to address my gambling issues.

I have always left the forum in the past when I have felt recovered, only to relapse when I had conveniently forgotten that I am a compulsive gambler and felt that I could safely enjoy a bet. Obviously not. This time I was winning on sports bets, cooling off and then winning. Then of course my strategy failed I began losing, chased, switched into roulette and lost thousands. From carefully paying off debts I am now in more debt than ever. It will take another couple of years to pay off.

So here we go again. I have excluded and am thinking a lot about the addiction process

.I posted on another thread how I was feeling numb after this latest relapse - my most spectatcular ever - and I am still at that point. I am wondering though why I don't feel the self-loathing that I used to feel after losing so much and I think it is because I have gone into shock/denial mode although I worked on this kind of stuff a lot when I had therapy. I have felt so ashamed and full of self-hate after previous binges, but this time I have disassociated those feelings. I just feel disappointed,with myself. But not down and out anymore. Financially I am rock bottom but not emotionally. I don't want those horrible self-loathing feelings but I just hope I can recover without them. I am probably just burying them. I am really too old for all of this now. One day at a time.

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Posted : 14th January 2019 12:42 am
DrDave
(@drdave)

One day at a time. You have gone periods without gambling before and I am sure you can do it again. Like you say this time don't close your account here as the support (I've found) is extremely beneficial. Don't beat yourself up about the relapse as that is once the past now and you have already had 3 good days.

I am much in the same position financially rock bottom. Two weeks ago I was emotionally rock bottom too but through doing lots of reading (various items, here, self development forums, eating healthy etc etc) and eating healthily I am now beginning to see life is worth living and I cannot change the past. I can learn from my mistakes too make a better future though.

All the best on another gf day you can do this

Dave

ReplyQuote
Posted : 14th January 2019 7:17 am
Rob71
(@rob71)

Well another day. Am trying to force myself to invoice some work that I’ve done freelance and get the tax return sorted.

Seems somehow futile given what I have done and the thousands I’ve lost but I must be grateful that I do have quite a good income and I suppose I just have to dig in and start the repayment process.What a drag. Working so many hours just to pay off debts.

This is the consequence I just have to get on with it. This joke isn’t funny anymore.

I must focus away from money and onto positive change in other ways. It’s difficult though when coming out of a blitz.

One day at a time.

ReplyQuote
Posted : 14th January 2019 10:41 pm
Rob71
(@rob71)

Well day 6.

Slowly but surely.

One day at a time

ReplyQuote
Posted : 17th January 2019 12:46 am
Martin67
(@martin67)

Well done on 6 days. That's a good achievement.

Taking one day at a time is definitley the best strategy.

ReplyQuote
Posted : 17th January 2019 6:39 am
Rob71
(@rob71)

Hello friends

One week in and no inclination to gamble. Feeling quite flat but work remains busy. I know if I am to abstain for a long period I need to deal with some fundamental issues and start acting in my own best interests. As gamblers we tend not to do this. I have started with practical steps (tax return, dealing with certain work issues I had put off for no good reason etc) but I am aware that the deeper issues need resolving. I got a lot from therapy. It really helped me unburden the shame I had carried on my shoulders (both gambling and non-gambling related) for years. I reached a point however where the ball was in my court in terms of moving forward. Could I have a richer, honest more fulfilling and connected personal life? Could I be a an easy, decent loving partner?

Not yet, but I know that’s important for recovery and it’s not so easy for me to move forward. I don’t know why.I think still there is something stopping me from really connecting with life - good or bad - which leaves a kind of inner loneliness/emptiness.

I have good people around I can talk to and have started to do so.

One step and one day at a time.

ReplyQuote
Posted : 18th January 2019 10:07 am
Lil30
(@lil30)

Well done on the first week, it sounds like you are fighting the good battle here and doing all the right things! Good luck with everything.

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Posted : 18th January 2019 7:24 pm
Rob71
(@rob71)

Well day 9 today

Thanks for the support people.

Duncs was saying in a recent post how he often thinks about those who have left the forum over the years. It’s true many leave. Some like me return when they relapse, others don’t. I am sure some make it and live GF but in my head I think that many go back to gambling. Most of us have relapsed and it takes a lot of self-awareness and mental effort to keep away for good.

So I need to recognise a simple fact. That I cannot win as I cannot stop. I will lose in the longer term and I will have a life of debt. My life will not be fulfilling. I will be forever obsessed with money throwing anything I earn away.

I need this to be the last time.

Stay gf friends

ReplyQuote
Posted : 20th January 2019 11:13 am
Anewbeginning
(@anewbeginning)

This forum does really show this disease is a disease. Everybody has the same emotions —- even a he recovery threads begin similarly.

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Posted : 20th January 2019 3:26 pm
Rob71
(@rob71)

Day 11

The days do pass quickly.

It’s hard not to think about the financial damage, particularly when it’s not the first time and I’ve relapsed badly before.

I must have had the same resolve, the same good intentions before not to gamble but I somehow forgot the consequences of gambling, lied to myself and pretended I was in control.

I am really tired of having to pick up the pieces again This time I hope I have learned.

Sometimes it’s hard to be positive but I will keep going.

ReplyQuote
Posted : 22nd January 2019 7:56 am
Markman
(@markman)

Thanks for your kind words old friend!

That was just the kind of pick up I needed. I am glad you have made it to 12 days and hope that you can move forward in the same way.

It's funny you should mention my writing. Whilst I also work in law, I graduated in English Literature and writing is my passion. I never thought about writing about my own experience, I have always wondered "who would be interested in my story?" In any event, I think Roddy Doyle pretty much wrote my story in his novel "The Woman who Walked into Doors!"

Anyway, I do not want to talk about me on your thread. How are you doing? Let us know who you are getting on - perhaps not during billable working hours 😉

I am right behind you.

Markman

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Posted : 23rd January 2019 9:51 am
Rob71
(@rob71)

Good man Mark

Thanks for your reply. It’s comforting to know you and ODAAT and Duncs and a few others still maintain their diaries and give to others when time and energy allows. I intend to keep going this time and remind myself regularly (but quite gently) of what a fool I have been. It’s really great to hear from you.

I have read the Van and I think one or two other Doyle books but not the one you refer to. I will definitely have a read.and have a feeling it will be quite poignant, if not sad.

I now begin the process of repaying my debts, beginning on January 31. I wonder if I will ever save any money or if when I eventually get into the black I will have an uncontrollable urge to throw it away!It’s such a weird psychological trait- I think you relate to it Mark- the martyr who likes to wollow in not having anything! Is it too frightening to be healthily normal (and solvent!)?

For now one day at a time.

Keep going strong everyone

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Posted : 23rd January 2019 8:22 pm
Rob71
(@rob71)

Day 15

The days do pass quickly.

Can’t help feeling wistful sometimes when I think about what might have been and the choices I’ve made. I know it’s not healthy to look back but well regrets ...I have a few!

I suppose all I can do is accept the things I can’t change and change the things I can.

Glad not to be on a gambling binge though and doing my best to be positive.

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Posted : 26th January 2019 11:51 am
Rob71
(@rob71)

Good morning all

Day 19.

Pushing the rock up the mountain again. How did I get myself in this mess again?

I know it’s pointless looking back but it is frustrating and annoying.

Anyway we start again wiser hopefully than we were. For al those on the edge remember it does and will get better. You must not forget the losses and loathing you feel to the extent that remembering the feeling helps you not to gamble again . At the same time what’s done is done - try to see the sun and a future without gambling.

Be determined everyone.

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Posted : 30th January 2019 8:17 am
Rob71
(@rob71)

23 days GF

The first payday post-binge arrived and debts were paid. I can’t help feeling sad that I’m in this situation again and that I will be paying off loans and credit cards for some time. What have I been doing all of these years, on and off?

I hate the fact that money still has a hold on me, even in recovery. But what’s done is done.I only have myself to blame.

I’m not going back. I really don’t want this again. But one day at a time. I know what complacency can bring.

It’s not worth it friends and doesn’t solve any underlying issues just gives us a temporary escape from ourselves that will eventually end in disaster. We can’t win because we can’t stop.

Have a great gf week all.

ReplyQuote
Posted : 3rd February 2019 8:15 pm
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