Recovery was a healing process for me, my addictions obsessions indicated how unhealthy I was and how much fear I lived in.

Hi

I felt so weak inadequate insecure and inept walking in to the recovery program. 

I felt like gambling controlled my life and my thinking.

I felt like I did not have  any control in my life.

I kept going to meetings and then I stopped talking about money and my addiction and started to open up to therapies and how I was coping emotionally each week.

Simply by me opening up with my therapies I was able to understand how unhealthy I use to react to certain emotional triggers, my pains fear frustrations loneliness and boredom.

By sharing in my therapies I found that I did not react in such volatile ways.

As my recovery got deeper and once my fears reduced I was ready to go to counselling, I met 11 counsellors.

Gambling did not control me, it was my fears that caused me to escape from emotions and feeling I could nto deal with, it was my unhealthy reaction in my fears.

By facing and reducing my fears I no longer wanted to escape in my fears.

My feelings and emotions towards gambling were distorted, gambling did not make me feel happy at all, when I gambled caused my fears to increase to such a high level I would go in to panic mode, I could not honest to myself or accountable to myself.

People will often use the expression the highs or the buzz when gambling, this for me was adrenaline, the bigger the risk the bigger the highs.

I was not only risk taking gambling it was my driving my speeding jumping lights tail gating, I thought it was exciting the simply fact I did not respect myself or respect other people.

I did not love myself or love other people.

Sadly with huge fears I could not trust myself or other people, I could not have emotional intimacy due to my huge fears.

Now I understand my fears caused lack of trust issues,  I understand my fears restricted me from having healthy intimate relationships.

Being in recovery I found that in me was a hurt child who was never able to heal from the pains of my past.

I also found that in me was a hurt child who needed emotional intimacy to heal the pains and become whole and healthy.

Then I understood that my addictions and obsessions were just the symptoms that I was emotional vulnerable.  

My emotional triggers were my pains I could not heal, my fears I could not face, my frustrations I could not reduce my unreasonable expectations of people life and situation, my feelings of loneliness, and feelings of boredom.

I needed to be able to be more patient with myself, recovery and healing was going to take time.

In regards my recovery was based up on just for today only I will not gamble, slow baby steps.

It helped me to reduce money on my person, to hand over finances to another person I could trust.

For me I am a non religious person, so I can not relate to religious persons.

One thing I know if I can find recovery in a healthy way any one can.

If they are committed to them self, to become selfish about your recovery.

Most people think that once you gamble you have lost clean days, that is not true, no you have lived those clean days they can not be lost.

No matter when your last bet was go to meetings, it is a life saver.

Some people are confused that when they admit hey have gambled people applaud them.

They reason they clap you is because your honesty is a sign of your strength, and hey are glad to see you back to the meeting.

There have been people who have attended meetings for over 5 months with out talking, then one day they open up when they are ready for it.

Some people think that talking about being a victim is unhealthy, not so we are exposing the pains of our past which is the only way e can heal from the past pains.

I have suffered emotional abuse, I have suffered physical abuse, I have suffered sexual abuse, I have suffered neglect, emotional abandonment, I have missed being nurtured and encouraged, I have missed out on intimacy affection love and respect, the emotional trauma I experienced adversely affected my ability to learn and understand the education process.

Sadly over time you bury your hurt inner child, you are not willing to be hurt of have any kind of intimacy with other people. 

The walls of fear we live in protect the hurt inner child. 

The walls of fear we live in protect the hurt inner child, stop us getting out and have healthy intimacy with other people. 

Sadly healthy intimacy is part of my heling process.

Love and peace to every one

Dave L

AKA Dave of Beckenham UK