Many thanks to Sandra and Tri for your kind words and support in lunchtime chat today.
My dad continues his recovery from his broken hip however his blood sugar levels remain very high.
Anxiety had been paramount today. I was awaiting feedback on my report and feared the worst and i could have done so much better. A few grammatical errors which have been rectified but most importantly some lessons learned for next time. Must remember to give 100%
Life is tricky at the moment so must keep pushing forward.
Good morning all,
Couple of days off work. This morning i have completed my Stepchange debt management plan 12 month review.
When i started i had over 30k plus worth of debt across loans, credit cards, overdrafts, tax credits and catalogues. I was no longer in a position to deal with these and made a very tearful call to stepchange. They did not judge. They did not laugh. They helped me - despite the mess i was in they took pressure away from me.
That was 5 years ago and i have paid them by DD every month and never missed a payment.
We have missed out on many nice things to ensure the debts were paid.
I am now in a position to increase my monthly payments meaning i will be debt free in 3 months.
This is not bragging but a dawning realisation thay debts will not go away quickly if you turn a blind eye to them or foolishly think you can gamble your way out of debt.
The sooner the debt questions can be answered the sooner you can begin to look at recovery.
Had to take the car to ATS earlier thinking I had a small issue with a tyre valve. New tyres and a 3 figure bill.......nice.
Set myself some work targets on monday which I have achieved.
Off work tomorrow as i have to attend hospital for a day procedure.
Have tried to remain calm this week despite all the issues currently going on in the UK. Its outwith my control and i have to accept that.
My ongoing recovery and mental well being must be paramount in my life.
Lots going on which i will put in its relevant sections and deal with it when it requires to be dealt with.
I wish you all well.
My gambling clock ticks to 1901 days since my last encounter with the FOBT.
The mists that have recently gathered are beginning to clear meaning i can see things differently now.
I have learned to be grateful for what i have. Not what i want.
Anger inside me has risen due to recent incidents around the country. As a former copper in London i despair at my policing family being assaulted and abused. The thin blue line is still holding strong but only just. To my colleagues and friends still serving i salute you.
As a direct result of this i notice that i am not looking after myself 100%. Sleeping in the afternoon meaning late nights and several drinks to aid sleep.
The cycle goes on. Today i have had a good day. A very productive day at work. No afternoon sleep. No alcohol tonight. I will monitor my alcohol intake over the next few weeks and start to excercise again.
Gambling addiction still sits there in the background. Over the years i have learned to cope with urges. Like us all i am one bet from disaster.
I am beginning to plan my future life debt free after many payments to Stepchange. Gambling robbed me of self respect, confidence and being a decent person. It is coming back but slowly and at a pace i want to dictate.
Monies help i agree but i can also look people in the eye and be honest with them. Before lockdown i was asked to go for a lads night out dog racing. I was proud to say "thank you for the invite which i will decline - i am a recovering compulsive gambler"
My sons birthday today (24). He has a job, a partner, just about to buy a house. His mum died when he was 5 and his dad turned into a gambling addict.
But when the fog clears he tells me you were always there for me dad, saying the tight things, advising me of the right path to take. Just being there despite your own issues
Tonight I feel humbled and slightly tearful.
fella the compulsive gambler is not a default for being a bad person, in fact I believe sober the compulsive gambler is amongst the most decent, empathetic, considerate honest folk in the world, the compulsive gambler is like many other addicts in many forms self harming to survive the inner feelings of their mind, I accept that I have behaved in a truly terrible fashion whilst gambling to feed addiction but I today have a greater understanding of why I sought escape.
stand tall fella, be proud of your son and equally yourself. You have embraced your life against adversity. Keep giving my dear friend
just for today
Bal congrats on the amazing achievement of so many days without gambling, it sounds like things are good and being debt free will be a huge thing. Keep doing what youre doing it is inspiring and helpful to my relatively early days in recovery. It would be easy to think youve cracked it and not log on etc, but youre helping me and im sure yourself by being here so thanks for that. Stay strong
Duncan and Ford,
Many thanks for taking time to post on my diary and something i take strength from.
Strength that is needed as more health issues affect my father. So far this year he has had cancer, broken his hip and may now have to have his 2nd leg amputated.
Feel in a daze at the moment, in a trance.
Need to dig deep.
My dad has been to hospital and the prognosis at present is not as bad as first thought.
Gambling is still kept at a safe distance but is still being given the same respect as always. Only 1 bet from disaster.
Debt now stands at 1k which has led to convos between mrs bal and i. Just gonna sit tight and do nothing and save a bit more.
TBH have struggled mentally recently during lockdown and found my tolerance levels becoming less and less for some on here. We can only give so much advice. If people want to gamble or not put 100% in recovery then so be it.
I have to think of myself and my family as much as i can. Mrs Bal is struggling with work at the mo and i have to be there for her.
For those giving 100% i salute you.
For those that are struggling dig in. There is a light at the end of the tunnel.
I sit here this morning rather battered and bruised with my mental struggles coming to the fore in the last 7 days.
My family have made life difficult this week with persistent bad actions and bad attitudes, especially towards myself. It seems its all take, take, take and no give this week. Promises and guarantees made which have been broken minutes later.
My wife and step children have belittled me to a huge extent - which is to cover there own Inadequacies. I have taken myself out on a few occassions so i wont tell them exactly what i think.
Perhaps some difficult decisions need to be made by me in the remainder of this year.
Fella I was talking to my sponsor yesterday about this very subject and I emphasise with you greatly. He said this that for a person to be true to recovery is the most difficult thing to do because there’s no hidden measures, no form of escape, just a life with honesty and humility.
fella I don’t preach GA on here that often but without the words said at the close of every meeting are words to live by
god(of your understanding) grant me to accept the things I cannot change and the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to understand the difference.
I understand the value of those words, I understand what change gifts, equally I understand that through recovery the evaluation of life is a circumstance.
don't be too hard on yourself fella, be honest, you are a human being, you are the best version of your true self as a result of the effort you have have given and in my mind the effort you will continue to give.
breathe give yourself the space to stay true.
addiction will remain dormant as a result
just for today
Good afternoon all - duncan i thank you for taking time to post on my diary. As always your words, thoughts and advice allow me to think of this addiction and recovery in a different light. To question myself but in a very positive way allowing me to reach out to embrace all - once again I thank you.
"god(of your understanding) grant me to accept the things I cannot change and the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to understand the difference"
In this afternoons chat i could not change anything and TBH felt rather sad. Recently there has been people put on moderation (who appear to need GC services more than ever). We are all here for the same reason - gambling - however on many occassions the chat convos relate little to gambling.
We have people apologising when there is nothing to apologise for
We have people who refuse to apologise when they should.
IMHO the chat and the forum are losing what they are there for.
I take great strength from many on here and at present i am personally not feeling this. Many strong people now abstain from this forum
The question is why?