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lesley6loc
(@lesley6loc)

After almost 3 years GF I am back posting a page in my recovery diary .
1165 days has been reset to day one . 
Although I’m back to day one this by no means is square one . I have no idea what triggered me off , and that’s what scares me , I have so many blocks in place yet I found a way to lose almost a months wage in a matter of hours .

Why ? 
I have taken every precaution I can to stop me but it wasn’t enough . 
Arrggg what’s next ? 
Any suggestions ?

Gamstop installed 

internet restrictions 

Gamblock on all my devises 

My mum has my passport & driving licences ( Can’t prove my ID in the unlikely event I need to withdraw any winnings) 

My bank card has no security number I cannot make online payments without my mum . 
Yet I found a way n then lost control as usual and well the rest has already been written , I lost n then lost more and more and so on until I cleared my bank account out . I spent money I had been saving , and now I’m sat writing this trying not to think too much about it . 
I can’t stop thinking about it and in all honesty I have been in a worse situation and in a darker place than now yet this is the first time I have ever really admitted to myself that this is an addiction pure and simple . 
And I am still an  addict despite my not having placed a bet for three years . 
Sat here writing this and my phone has pinged to let me know I have entered an unarranged overdraft . Haven’t heard it for while , it’s all flooding back I’m scared of being in that place again x

 

This topic was modified 1 month ago by lesley6loc
Quote
Posted : 28th May 2020 8:29 pm
SillyBoy1981
(@sillyboy1981)

Hi, I am on the path of sobriety & I’m on about 154 days gambling free.

Ive just come across your post & it grabbed me that it was called “re-lapse”! Reading through your post I feel your hurt, pain & upset.. 

This is a testing circumstance of time right now in all of our lives, not just looking at our gambling but to do with the uncertain times of life of Covid-19... This has changed & is evolving our thoughts & mental health... I don’t know your direct issues or your circumstances but the world we are in right now is a vastly complex one, what I have taken from this is that reaching out & talking to those we wouldn’t usually do feels good...

We all hit a reset button in some sort of way every now & again & need to regain our focus & look at centring ourselves...

I have re-lapsed before, the difference I feel now towards my sobriety is that I am trusting myself as well as those around me. I am doing this for myself first as I am the one that needs the change & I am the one who wants the change..

Your re-lapse can be the rebirth of your thinking... You can now take this time to look at what you ignored in your 3 years clean & what worked & what didn’t work for you.. Have faith in yourself & those around you...

Don’t be too hard on yourself right now, it’s going to feel very raw & disappointing but you should also recognise that you’re owning up to the re-lapse & you’re talking about it!

I hope that you’re ok & here if you want to talk.

Speak again soon

ReplyQuote
Posted : 28th May 2020 9:16 pm
Bal
 Bal
(@bal)

Hi Lesley,

Nice to communicate again but wish it was under better circumstances.

Addiction never leaves us and we are all one punt from a relapse. I assume an avenue was left open which addiction exploited. You know what is required and i know you will get into that mindset of freedom again.

From memory the old FB group created by Jigsaw and Deano is still active. 

Best x

This post was modified 1 month ago 2 times by Bal
ReplyQuote
Posted : 28th May 2020 9:26 pm
Chris.UK
(@chris-uk)

Hi Lesley,

I feel for you, I've done that a couple of times, thinking everything is rosy after a couple of years and more and before you know it you're back at it! 

If there's a positive you seem to have come back here pretty quick which is something I didn't do until the next lot of real damage was done. 

Only one bit of advice and one suggestion through my own experience. The advice first is to close the loophole you found. This has been a hard time for everyone and if you learn from it then at least that's something.

The suggestion that has worked for me is to do the twelve steps through GA or with a counsellor who has experience of this addiction ideally. Before I always thought I had things covered and although life got better, in reality all I did was abstain from gambling and as soon as something came along which I couldn't deal with, I was straight back at it. With the twelve steps I've had to change something and now I actually have a recovery. I've dealt with a lot of personal hardship without picking up. It's literally been a life changer.

If you'd like any help with that let me know.

All the best.

Chris.

 

ReplyQuote
Posted : 28th May 2020 9:55 pm
duncanmac
(@duncanmac)

Lesley

I am back after another prelonged relapse that lasted four months and has had a life changing effect on my life, addiction never left, it laid dormant and in truth I stopped working recovery, the old traits returned and I went back to seeking solace in that next punt.

 I accept that I need to work on myself in many ways, I am done with falling back into addiction, in the eight years I have been here I have relapsed four times and I know that I have to work harder on myself, to accept who I am and work on the best version of myself.

get back on the gamble free bike, learn, accept and again enjoy what recovery brings 

just for today 

Duncs 

ReplyQuote
Posted : 28th May 2020 10:06 pm
Kevthekev40
(@kevthekev40)
Posted by: lesley6loc

After almost 3 years GF I am back posting a page in my recovery diary .
1165 days has been reset to day one . 
Although I’m back to day one this by no means is square one . I have no idea what triggered me off , and that’s what scares me , I have so many blocks in place yet I found a way to lose almost a months wage in a matter of hours .

Why ? 
I have taken every precaution I can to stop me but it wasn’t enough . 
Arrggg what’s next ? 
Any suggestions ?

Gamstop installed 

internet restrictions 

Gamblock on all my devises 

My mum has my passport & driving licences ( Can’t prove my ID in the unlikely event I need to withdraw any winnings) 

My bank card has no security number I cannot make online payments without my mum . 
Yet I found a way n then lost control as usual and well the rest has already been written , I lost n then lost more and more and so on until I cleared my bank account out . I spent money I had been saving , and now I’m sat writing this trying not to think too much about it . 
I can’t stop thinking about it and in all honesty I have been in a worse situation and in a darker place than now yet this is the first time I have ever really admitted to myself that this is an addiction pure and simple . 
And I am still an  addict despite my not having placed a bet for three years . 
Sat here writing this and my phone has pinged to let me know I have entered an unarranged overdraft . Haven’t heard it for while , it’s all flooding back I’m scared of being in that place again x

 

Hiya

I'm in the same situation myself apart from I went on to my partners account and in the space off one hour I had lost £7300 that she never even had. So yeah at least you used your own money and went a brilliant time without going near them. Don't get yourself too down. I tried to kill myself, which would not have helped, I'm accepting what I've done and talking to the people who can keep me safe that's what I want you to do and get back on that bike as you must have good will power take care my friend

This post was modified 1 month ago by Forum admin
ReplyQuote
Posted : 29th May 2020 9:01 am
Forum admin
(@forum-admin)
Admin

Hello lesley6loc,

So sorry that you've had a lapse but thank you for coming back to the forum and posting your story. You really do seem to have put a lot of blocks in place but somehow you found a loophole. Remember you remained gamble free for 3 years and nothing can take that away from you. And you are doing the right thing by getting right back into recovery.

I'm not sure if you've had treatment before, but whether you have or not, we have free treatment options available, by phone or webcam so you can still access during social distancing. 

You're already doing a lot, but if you'd like to explore any other options, you'd be welcome to give us a call on 0808 8020 133 or chat to us on Livechat.

Best wishes,

Deirdre
Forum Admin

ReplyQuote
Posted : 29th May 2020 11:58 am
Forum admin
(@forum-admin)
Admin

Hello Kevthekev40

Thank you for your supportive post for lesley6loc. Sounds like you've had a terrible time. I hope you're getting support to help you through this mental health crisis. I've posted some useful information below in case you or anyone else reading this post should need it. You'd also be very welcome to contact our HelpLine on 0808 8020 133 or Livechat. We're here 24/7.

You would be very welcome to start your own topic in the new member introductions section - that way more people will see it and can reply to you directly.

Simply go to this page:

https://www.gamcare.org.uk/forum/new-members-intros-forum/

And click the 'Add topic' button at the top.

For anyone who is having or has had suicidal thoughts or feelings, it is really important to seek professional help as soon as possible. You can speak to your GP or find NHS support, or you may find the following links useful.

Samaritans: 116 123 (24-hours) or www.samaritans.org

Maytree: a charity supporting people in suicidal crisis in a non-medical setting in London. If you, or someone you know, could benefit from a one-off stay in a safe and confidential space, call 020 7263 7070 or email [email protected] Visit www.maytree.org.uk for more information.

Campaign Against Living Miserably (CALM) – For men aged 15-35: www.thecalmzone.net

Mind: 0300 123 3393 (Mon-Fri, 9am-6pm) or www.mind.org.uk

The Mental Health Foundation: www.mentalhealth.org.uk

Papyrus: HopelineUK: 0800 068 4141 or www.papyrus-uk.org. For people under the age of 35 who are experiencing thoughts of suicide, and anyone concerned that a young person could be thinking about suicide.

Keep posting,

Deirdre
Forum Admin.

ReplyQuote
Posted : 29th May 2020 12:13 pm
lesley6loc
(@lesley6loc)

Morning everyone , I’m sat in the garden reading through the reply’s iv received, iv had a few sorry days , I can’t get to grips with the feelings I’m experiencing at the moment , a mixture of anger , fear , and self loathing . I’m trying to keep busy it helps me forget for a while . The current situation has left me alone far too often with my thoughts as much as try I cannot seem to forgive myself . 
Money doesn’t seem to be my main concern, it’s being found out , I have failed yet again and I don’t want admit it.

Im already inventing stories as to where my money went (my reason for being skint ) so now again I’m a liar , there’s some people that don’t need to know that I have gambled it away . 
There are some people who do and I’m working on it , it’s difficult at the moment as I am unable to see the people that need to know . 
My head is consumed with thoughts I feel very sad at the moment . perhaps  what’s  upsetting me most  is that I cannot gamble responsibly and will never be able to ,and I can’t understand why I can’t . 
I think I should be asking why I want to gamble considering all the pain it’s caused but I’m not . 

 

ReplyQuote
Posted : 30th May 2020 11:16 am
Kevthekev40
(@kevthekev40)

Hiya my friend I've known for along time that no matter what it is from alcohol or gambling I can't be under control as I may do it 10 Times and walk away known that I can get through it but there's always that 1 time that I loose control and it's that time that things go seriously wrong and I end up in a very dark place that I believe I can't get out off and it's when I feel like that I enter a dangerous place with severe consequence! So I can't ever gamble, and I can't ever drink as I'm not able to control the way I think and feel plus I'm like yourself I find it so much easier to talk to someone who isn't connected to me or my life as it can't come back to anyone I know,  I decide who needs to know and that's the ones my actions affect. I've put my life and my families in a difficult situation at present I'm struggling to see away to sort this but I'm in contact with people who are trying to help me. I'm putting my faith in their hands and I'm so happy there, there and appreciate how there trying to help me. 

ReplyQuote
Posted : 30th May 2020 10:28 pm
lesley6loc
(@lesley6loc)

I’m not sure people need to know I have gambled again it’s going to be adding to there problems at the present , I have resisted the urge to try and gamble again , I’m just finding it hard to motivate myself to do anything at the moment. It’s a difficult strange time , and I guess I’ve dealt with it in the wrong way making things worse . Wouldn’t it be nice to not want to gamble I can only imagine , the only reason I don’t want to is I don’t have enough money ,but if I did would I want to gamble ? 
You can probably guess I overthink everything and will no doubt worry myself do death . 
More blocks in place , 4g cancelled on my phone , that’s how I bypassed the internet blocks , Iv deleted internet history and the stored card details on PayPal and ordered a new card ( it’s going to my mums who will delete the security code ) also updated emails on gamblock . 
It took me almost an hour to register a new account , nothing could change my mind . 

ReplyQuote
Posted : 1st June 2020 1:37 am
Jadiebby85
(@jadiebby85)

Hi my mum always tells me “that lies create more lies!” By that I mean as hard as it is, tell your mum what’s happened because it will continue on the path of self loathing and feeling like you are the most horrible person in the world! We’ve all done it but your mum will not love you any less because you’ve had a slip up but she might be cross! I’m sure it wouldn’t last long, but if you carried on the lies she would feel hurt! As a mum myself I know that all I want is my kids to feel like no matter what they do, I would never stop loving them and that they could always come to me ALWAYS! I’m sure your mum is the same! 
I hope you get back on to your gamble free days! 
take care jade

ReplyQuote
Posted : 1st June 2020 5:14 pm
Kevthekev40
(@kevthekev40)

To be honest I know how hard it is to tell the truth as you feel a failure and imagine the worst that they will feel about you. I can see it both ways as my partner always says to me she just wants me to be honest and admit to her when I've messed up as she hates the lies, but then when I do admit she goes through the roof! Butvi guess when you loose a lot off money things are going to be strained. You can only deal with things your way as that's what you know but just remember not everyone can understand how it feels to have an addiction and if they do it makes things a hell off a lot different, so if your worried about telling your mum just ask her if she will read afew articles on this site as your far from on your own. And your not a bad person or it wouldn't bother you we all mess up in life no matter who you are or how you mess up.

ReplyQuote
Posted : 1st June 2020 5:40 pm
Jadiebby85
(@jadiebby85)

Hi @lesley6loc have you thought about doing the game change course that is on this site? It’s a cognitive behaviour course and I’ve been doing it over a couple of weeks and I must say it’s changing the way I think about my addiction and my behaviours! It makes you look at it from a different perspective and then every week you get a telephone consultation that lasts 20 mins with a therapist.

if you go onto the ‘self help’ menu it’s the last option it’s called ‘game change’ you have to register and they send a link to your email which you then begin to complete modules (there is 8) you do 1 a week. 
Give it a go, as you never think about it from others point of view or look at what triggers urges etc also makes you look into how much money you’ve gambled which is hard (I was physically sick when I realised I’d gambled over £3000 losing £1800 of that) but it has helped me understand what’s going on in my head and just knowing that I’d lost so much when I could’ve replaced my bathroom or kitchen or had a holiday!

 

ReplyQuote
Posted : 2nd June 2020 10:50 am
lesley6loc
(@lesley6loc)

Hello again , iv just read through everyone’s reply’s and am willing to give anything a try . As for talking to someone about things iv only got my mum really , and I feel that she has lost interest in helping me . I found it most difficult not actually telling her but getting  her to take me seriously she acts like she cannot he bothered with helping me and regularly cuts me off when I call her for something more important. That’s why I’m here tbh . I haven’t got a good network around me .I told my dad once but he did nothing offered me money after a lengthy chat  (which I refused ) but he made it clear that was all he was capable of . 
Today despite putting yet more blocks in place iv managed to yet again register to the most dodgy of gaming sites a subsequently blowing £100 in a matter of minutes why did I do it ? I can’t win I can’t verify my identity yet I still did it . 
This morning my little boy asked me why there were so many payments to ****** , I was mortified ,I didn’t realise we had notifications turned on our Home Computer . Iv never felt so bad or ashamed . Iv spent the money I was saving for his birthday which is at the end of the month . I made up some excuse , but this has to be the final straw I am not going to start lying to my son . I’m so upset about it and have never felt so low as I do now . 
Why am I so weak . I’m sick of myself , iv no motivation at the moment and I feel useless . 

ReplyQuote
Posted : 4th June 2020 4:41 pm
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