Starting my diary after reaching day 35 GF. Got to this point before but this time i've taken action.
Currently have a 10.5k debt.
Started gambling when i was about 15 on fruit machines, always lost whatever money i had and left.
A few years later i found poker. During my early years playing poker online BOOMED. I joined in as soon as i was 18 and donated whatever spare money i had every pay day. Aged 19, working part time i won 5k in a tournament one eveving, i was buzzing. Told everyone about my win that evening, by the end of the next day i was broke. I felt gutted and ashamed but kept it a secret that i had lost it all. Poker begain my addiction with online gambling. I carried on playing losing the odd £100+ every month after i got paid. After a few year of this i decided that i would take out a £2k loan so i could play with a bankroll i would be able to stand the variance the game has. I stayed within about £500 either side of this £2k for around 6 months. It was at this point that the site i was playing poker on added the option to sports bet. I've been a big football fan since i was about 8 years old and the chance to bet was too tempting to me. Unlike poker i had much more control over the amount i could bet and the markets i could bet on. I quickly lost the 2k i had in my account. I borrowed a little more and kept going. I was gambling easily 5-7 days a week between poker and sports betting.
My debt stayed very level until this year, i was in around 3k debt though this was not going down by anything as i was still gambling to a point where any payments i made were then one way or another reused to gamble. Around 8 months ago i thought i would deposit £1k and find a 3/1 sports bet to "clear my debt and stop gambling", i lost, i chased and it continued. I would stay up 40+ hours without sleep betting on any football i could around the world, even on nights where i then had to work a 9 hour day without sleep. I had always placed a lot of acca's every week before this but this time the amounts where rapidly increasing. Just 2 months after starting with a 3k debt i had tripled that to 9k. I'd taken out 2 loans, maxed out 2 credit cards and was scraping by each month using every penny of my overdraft.
Even this could not stop my need to gamble, the month after i was paid i lost £850 of bill money in an evening betting. My mum came over and i came clean to her, i had to i needed help. She lent me the £850 to pay my bills that month and told me to stop, i said i would. I told her to not tell anyone and keep it between me and her. She did and i gave up, for a month. Then, the month after that i again lost all my £850 bill money. What did i do? I applied for another 1k loan to cover it and hide it. Only this time i got flat out rejected for it. It took me getting to this point to FINALLY reach my rock bottom. When i had first lost my bill money i admitted i had a problem, however i wasn't willing to admit my gambling had defeated me and i didn't put ANY blocks in place or look for any help, i was sure i could do this alone, i couldn't. The second time i came clean to every person i am close with that i could trust. Opening up about my problem and every £ and hour that gambling had cost me was a MASSIVE weight of my shoulders, really can't underestimate the sense of release this gave me. If i need to speak to them about any issues i can and more then that they feel they can now ask me anything they want to know to better understand what this is like for me. They understand my problem better and that means they understand me better!
I have now given over my bank and credit cards, i self excluded from all sites and i arranged counselling (had 2 sessions now).
Having just passed the point i got to on my own without any help i have decided to log this journey from here on. I have a totally different feeling about myself and the gambling this time round. I have begun working on improving myself and the areas in my life that i am not happy with that have driven me into this state of wanting to hide in the gamblers dream world.
This site has helped me to focus and i just wanted to add some content that might help someone as others have helped me to this point. I've joined the christmas challange on here and look forward to working my way through the rest of this year with the aim of making 2018 a gamble free one!
Day 35
Had a good day, no thoughts of gambling and get paid friday
I've managed to transfer some of my debt over to a 0% card for 12 months so that'll save me some of the high interest rate im paying on 1 card, also have one loan that was for 1k ending with tomorrows final payment.
Well done for hitting 35 days and from reading your first post it seems like you have really got yourself together. I look forward to reading more about your journey and hope you continue to progress. You have some good solid blocks in place, keep up the good work!
Day 37
Definitely a tougher day today. Was thinking about what the debt means to me in terms of time paying it back. Don't like to dwell on it, i think its just the fact that tomorrow is pay day for me so it kind of re-focuses my mind on my issues with money. I've spent very little on myself as "treats" or even as money socialising over the past 10 years. Money has only ever been a tool to escape the real world and gamble. For sure this addiction costs much more than money. It has isolated me pretty badly. I've moved 30 miles away from my home town 2 years ago and apart from people i work with i just don't really know anyone at the moment, need to work on this.
Regardless, i am still gamble free and we look forward to the next day.
Thanks bornagain, lets keep going!
Day 38
Payday! Had a really good day. Got a small bonus from work so managed to pay an extra couple of hundred off my debt. This is my second payday since i stopped gambling though really the last payday did little for my finances as i had again lost £850 of bill money the previous month.
Don't have any access to my credit or debit card still and this has really brought some peace to my situation. I actually know what money i have and one of my loans has ended as of 01/11/17 so i have that money i can now add towards a different debt.
Hi sjwsjw.
Thanks for the post on my diary, appreciate it.
Nice one on making payday, always a bit of a worrying day isn't it. Glad you have been given a bit of a luck with that bonus. I managed to get some interest back from Santander this week so that portion of my debt will be paid off 3 months earlier than planned (although my debt is still years away from being paid off...)
I'm glad things are looking up for you. Stay on it, and one day at a time you'll get there.
Day 40
Thanks Adam. Yea i think like i said payday is just a reminder of money and my issues with it. Nice little bonus with the bank mate! All helps. Im the same im in this debt for a couple of years to come but hey, its going down and thats something i have honestly never said since i've had the means to gamble.
Feel like getting to day 40 is a nice marker, another small goal in every 10 days i guess.
Still feeling good
Day 43
Gambling honestly feels like a long time ago already. I've been proud of my 100% commitment to change putting in all the necessary blocks and going from a person who hardly has a word to say to anyone to opening up to several people over the last few weeks. I've no longer been afraid to show my vulnerability and for the first time in years i've actually felt emotions. Gambling held me in a stone like trance. Nevermind anyone else, i didn't know when i was happy or sad.
The only issue i have had so far is spending money! I now have a small budget to treat myself with after paying my bills, but im honestly struggling to part with even small amounts. It's strange what gambling has done to my view of money and maybe even my worth to me financially.
I think part of me was afraid to try to quit before this because i didn't think i was capable and didn't want to fail. I think yes, also i enjoyed some parts of gambling. It was comfortably uncomfortable.
Im really enjoying the sense of freedom even this far and i still have a reasonable debt as well as the mental scars but things are looking up.
Today, again i will not gamble. All the best everyone
Really inspirational reading through your diary sjw and appreciate your post on mine amigo. Let’s rise up from this and be better than we’ve ever been before. Your comments about how this allows us to take a long hard look at ourselves and address areas of our character really resonated with me. Day by day we can constructively add to our lives whilst not gambling which did nothing but deconstruct our lives.
All the very very best, on we march my friend.
Thanks MF. Sorry i took so long to reply! I do read the forums daily on my mobile but i only log in to post/reply on my PC and im not on here all the time now 😀
Day 48
Had my 4th phone counselling session tonight. If im honest for the last 2 sessions i've been worried i really don't have much to say since the last one but somehow keep managing to fill the hour call with talking things out so i guess its all good. I just feel like things are ticking along at the moment, but in a positive way for a change.
I still get thoughts about bets but i don't feel the urge to act on them. Things are adequately out in the open with my close family that i feel i can turn to any of them should i need to. I really feel like i can talk to them about any even "stupid thoughts" i don't even understand myself with them.
I said tonight during my counselling that i feel like the pressure is off me now. I have blocked my access to online gambling through SE and blocks. As for money, i still don't have access to my debit/credit cards. This helps me forget about the debt and brings me a real sense of calm about it. Although i know my debts exist i can leave them to look after themselves now i've had a small amount of time for the dust to settle. The truth is yes i will be skint for a few months to get to a point where the pressure with them is off a little but hey, gambling has left me broke for over 10 years anyway! Not adding to my debts for the first time i can remember is a change that has opened my eyes up, showing me i can get myself out of this if i can focus on stopping for good.
2 days away from 50 days, looking forwards.
Sjw, firstly congrats on nearly reaching the 50 day step big achievement. You've come along way since that first post just reading your attitude and mindset has completely changed and I think your surprising yourself everyday. Keep going buddy!!
YorkshireLad.
Thanks YorkshireLad. To be fair to myself i am the sort of person that throws themself fully into whatever they are doing (unfortunately that did very much include gambling). I have surprised myself in the fact of opening up emotionally though! Im happy i feel i can just HONESTLY tell people how i am (not just the small talk of saying im "good" when asked if im ok).
Day 50
So 50 days have passed since my last bet. Yes its taken me the best part of 12 years to get to this point but im on my way to a better life, though its still early days things are much better than they have been!
Been a little bit down the last couple of days if im honest. My boss said to me "i didn't think you had any emotion" the other day at work when i showed some (i've said even on here i feel thats very true). Work doesn't know about my problems. It did hurt a bit to hear it out loud from someone else. Even in the darkest times of my gambling i've always tried to be an outwardly positive person. I constanstly just try to makes people smile with my humour. For the most part i feel im the sort of person people will speak to me about most things but yea, nothing emotion related at any point i can remember of in the last decade.
I think my main issues right now are my lack of self worth. Never felt good enough even when i've clearly made the effort in a particular area of my life. Haven't up to this point spent any real money on non-essentials. I will be sharing my money with the people i care about rather than the bookies from now on though.
No real issues with gambling thoughts, i do get the odd "if i put XXX amount on this bet i could pay my debt off a bit faster" but i no how wrong that thought is. I have no feelings of acting on these thoughts (and i couldn't because my blocks are in place anyway!) That train of thought got me here, and very quickly over the last few months of my time gambling.
I like not having money to worry about so im still very comfortable to not have access to my funds so this will not be changing anytime soon.
Will continue to reads post on here daily on my phone and will update this every few days.
All the best everyone, stay GF!
Day 52
My blocks are really doing their job and i head into another weekend (most peoples, always my worst time for binge gambling) positive on the gambling side of things.
One thing that has really come to light for me this week is i have a REALLY big issue with punishing myself with regards to spending money. I have been living within a budget for food for a long time now. I have a bugdet that allows me to eat good food. This week out of the blue i have felt the need to start looking into spending less money on food to "give me extra money". I have no rational on why i want this extra money. i think its purely a thought of depriving myself and now i don't have gambling as an outlet it seems my brain is trying to find another way of showing my lack of self worth.
Its going to be a long tough journey. I am finding issues i'd never considered before but i can work through this and come out a much better, more aware person.
Have a good weekend everyone and stay GF
Hi sjwsjw, just wanted to say a huge congrats on your journey so far & stick with the counselling! Lack of self worth is a huge part of addiction & now that you aren’t self harming with gambling your mind is indeed finding other ways to attack you...Stuff it, it doesn’t control you. Pretend you’re being treated to dinner by the owner of your local gambling establishment (that way you don’t need to worry about looking greedy) & go out & buy yourself the ingredients you would have chosen (unless it’s Lobster because that’s just daft, unless you live near a beach of course or something really difficult to cook, in which case, pick something ready made)! This journey is tough enough without our brains (the crazy things that got us into this mess in the 1st place) making it harder.
My recovery journey has been a shocker but as you say, I’m way more aware & already a marginally better person for looking in that mirror.
Have a good GF weekend yourself - ODAAT
Thanks ODAAT appreciate every comment that helps me through this journey.
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