Hi i`am a compulsive gambler, and have been for many years. My story is very similar to most , started young and had a few decent days (that only fueled the bad days), and so i was sucked in.
I will condense the next 35 years
Gambled- regretted-vowed to stop-got bored -low self esteem because of the gambling-stressed-depressed- bored- gambled. Throw 3 deaths of very good friends in around my 20s.
Repeat the above for the next 35 years and you get the idea, i vowed to stop many times including every new years eve and birthday in that time.
Just to add the last decade id actively go out and gamble on new years day just to get the elephant in the room out of the way for another year.
There were tears , arguments lies oh yes there was lots of lies,deceit and lots of occasions i did things i would never believe i was capable of (in a bad way)
I had a few limited attempts to stop in the last decade, which although ultimately failed proved to me that i did have it in me to stop for long periods (90 days being my best)
My last decision to stop was back in January of this year, in the midst of a poker session (it wasnt going especially badly and i wasnt at rock bottom) i just decided that was enough, turned the laptop(mid tournament) off and sat for the next hour contemplating my life, i can say i wasnt especially depressed and wasnt particularly unhappy.
I then made the decision to quit, i had done this many times previously, but my thought process this time was very different, it just felt right not desperation or inevitability just i want to stop this nonsense.
I contemplated things further and came to the realization that previous attempts were solely desperation, and attempts to show my partner that i was serious and to go easy on me.
But not this time, this time was for me, and i was going to do this as the title suggests from a position of strength.
How could i do things differently?, well firstly is take advice and actually listen, some of you reading this will have been the ones offering the advice and for this i will be eternally grateful. Secondly get professional help , which was in the form of a Gamcare councillor, they were so good but subtle, they dont tell you what to think but steered my thought process to realize that i had issues of low self esteem and worthlessness, but also steered me to realize that other than gambling there was no basis for these thoughts.
Thirdly seeing that others had genuine and probably more extreme problems helped me to realize if others could be so strong in adversity, then i certainly should be able to have a decent crack at going gamble free, again thank you, you all know who you are.
My partner knows nothing of any of this, but has been ultra supportive and understanding in the past(after the initial shock and arguments of course).
So the chatroom was my substitute rock and place to be accountable.
I am not and never will be cured, this has depressed me in the past, but it is me, i will and am doing my absolute all to keep this at bay.
Its not just about the gambling(or none gambling), lifestyle, mental well being, relaxation and peace are all words to sit down and consider in ourselves, along with boredom and depression.
Finally a few words to ponder on in my continuing battle and maybe yours.
POSITIVITY - HONESTY - RESPECT(including self respect) RESEARCH - SELF BELIEF
We can all do this, dont ever stop trying and dont ever stop believing.
Love yourself you are worth your efforts.
It's very well written that lids and I think you understand or are beginning to understand the depths of what is needed.
I still don't fully understand why it took me forty years to realise I had a serious addiction that had complete control over me. I used to look down on addicts and other addictions like it was beneath me.
Over forty years I put much of my income into slot machines. I never really added it up and can only give an estimate which is eye watering. Just what did I think I was doing and I can only understand it as a drug addiction and mental illness.
I have always been my own worst enemy and a depressive character since a young boy. When talking about it in counselling and with my family, life overwhelms me and still does to an extent. I'm comfortable in my own space doing my own thing but the structure of human life like school and work just gets me down. I was bullied in my early years and it affected me more than I ever knew
I'm a thinker and not a doer. A Dreamer! A Nice person that just couldn't cope with responsibility and choice. The slot machines were an escape or a trance for me to escape the reality of life and facing my "position" or fears in life. Overall an anxious loner putting a brave face on it all.....choosing a partner or a proper career?..having real fun?...overwhelming and I would rather run and hide!
A main part of the initial hook was the "chance" to make a bit of money without bothering anybody or being bothered by anybody. This is why my thing was facing a machine in my own dopamine world of illusion. How hard can it be....lady luck and all that nonsense.
Only I was self destructing and the complexity is that the emotions or blood highs start to come equally from losing and feeling cheated......its all part of the soup of drugs until the comedown when pockets are empty.
The addiction takes over before we know it and the truth is that any early gains reinforce a feeling there is a reward to be had.....I craved that reward at all costs
I've put the price of a nice house and more into craving a small reward on a machine! That boggles the mind
So I hope you can tell your family. I finally knew I was a slave to an extremely powerful addiction. I curled up in the foetal position for days and then knew I needed to bare my soul for some serious help from others
I still give them full reports because I both fear and respect this addiction
Best wishes from everyone on the forum
Thank you so much for the reply Joydivider,it gets me analyzing myself which is never a bad thing.
Your reply is as near to describing me as anyone`s ever got, but you are describing yourself, thats what i love so much about this forum and group, the realization that people really do get it.
I hope that what i am going to say is described well enough to make sense.
Here goes. In the past i had no emotion, no negative or positive feelings at all. The dopamine hits changed all that and showed me extreme highs and also extreme lows for a few years. The dopamine also turned my mind and body into `the soup` (your words , and which is the perfect way to describe it).At times i seek the thrill of the crowd but also on the other extreme and this is the strange bit, i seek the solitude that i am very poor at living and coping with.
As soon as depression and boredom start to appear ,I have a mental switch that i seek to push that i know is self destruction, why would anyone press that switch?
Now fast forward to my non gambling of late , the same switch is still there but very much further away to get to, the blocks are in place, the coping with stress and boredom has now put so many barriers in the way to get to the self destruction switch. Just to add the self destruction switch isn't just gambling although obviously it is a big part of it, but its fair to say the gambling always teased and molded other areas of my life.
Any problems in my life are still there and very real, but this is the important part , they are`nt amplified by gambling anymore.
Its good (and this sounds weird) to have problems, because now i take pride in dealing with them in a sensible and `normal` way, its showing me gradually that i am getting mentally stronger, which as well as stopping gambling i am also pleased with.
Quick update 187 days no gambling, and just as if not more importantly feeling good, feeling strong , and starting to feel the odd emotion.
Hope everyone is making sense of their own addictions and making good decisions in the ongoing battles.
Finally one thing that strikes me everyday, its amazing how may people fail to see how truly strong they are and focus on the odd weakness, stop and look at the things you achieve each day and not the things you struggle with.
Realizing you have a problem is strength, reaching out is strength , picking up a phone to your bank is strength, telling someone is strength!
Ok, i said to myself i wouldn't make a big thing of milestones. My thinking at the time was to try to level my moods out from the extremes i experienced during gambling, and the mood swings straight after quitting.
Anyway i celebrated with a single can of beer, and a wry dumb looking grin for most of the day.
Tomorrow i am up early and into work for around 4.am, and around 6.30 i am gonna have a bacon sandwich and contemplate the next stages of no gambling and life in general. I will do this in a contented way, i will look at what was, but as i am now will not dwell on the past and put it firmly back in the box after my self reflection. Finally im gonna look forward and now decide what i am going to do in a positive way with my new found life. A change of job opportunity is on the horizon which is something that wouldn't have happened and i would not have even contemplated going for, just a few months ago.
Best of luck to anyone reading this, i was about as hooked as anyone could get, but i am now very slowly turning it around.
Oh yes forgot to mention its 200 days today, attacking this from a position of strength is definitely the best decision i have ever made.
Ahh lids, massive weldone on 200 days ? you must be very proud of yourself. I love your energy on here, your so committed to recovery. I hope your well, speak soon
Stace x
Hi @lids19635,
A huge congratulations on meeting your 200 gamble free milestone.
Take a moment to appreciate the significance of this moment, because it is reflective of lots of hard work on your part and a determination to make a change.
Helen
Forum Admin
Thank you so much means so much from you stace!!
Mod Helen , i`am guessing you are`nt allowed to reveal, but if you are the same Helen that helped me for many weeks in the very beginning of my recovery ,then i owe you so much and am so grateful. If it isn't you many thanks for the praise, and thank you all for the fantastic work you all do behind the scenes, people dont say it often enough but i and our families are so grateful to you all.
Well its around the 3/4 of a year into my recovery, so seems an appropriate time for a diary update.
Quarter one - Honesty resulting in rows, shame a real lack of esteem, but forget all that it was time to get serious and become stronger. As the quarter went on the fantastic support offered here was relied on and the counselling began to makes sense. My confidence began to improve and family and work life started to see the real me, and not the fake built image of me that gambling heavily tainted. On a scale of 1-10 my thoughts of gambling started the quarter at 10, but ended the quarter at an 8, i was starting to realise that I could kick this addiction. At the start of this quarter i was totally blinkered towards gambling and stopping gambling, and everything else was never thought about or if it was it was superficial and fake. So to give some perspective of how things had improved i have to go back to my last 3 months of gambling, Effort to work was none existent,because of my job i could often hide this but to be honest i was embarrassed at how badly id fallen behind. My relationship was bordering on ending, of course all my fault due to the lies and deceit and the monster that 35 years of gambling had made me. My whole life had been gambling, if on the very odd occasion we went out as a family id be badgering for people to finish there food and drink so i could get back quickly to my habit. If we were holidaying and there was no access to gambling id become an absolute monster counting down the days until the end of the holiday to get back to my misguided pleasures. I did make an effort to see friends as this stopped me gambling for the odd few hours, but its fair to say i was only there in body offering very little in friendship and support.
Quarter two - So as the previous quarter my thoughts of gambling at 8/10, this quarter saw real slow but steady progress, no great strides just weekly improvements that was clearly visible, visible to myself but equally importantly visible to others. My new found effort at work coincided with the news that exciting new roles and opportunities were on the horizon and they fitted in with my own new found goals and interests. Whilst its fair to say i was very interested in possible job change, it also gave me a greater spur to correct the facets of my life that had been neglected and just as importantly a greater impetus to Stop Gambling. On the relationship front with a few extra Pounds in my pocket i looked to book holidays, breaks, weekends away and concerts to try to make amends towards my partner, it was received well but tinged with a suspicion of the motives, after years of lies i didn't really blame her and understood her suspicions. At this point i started to analyse and get a greater understanding of how i had slipped into being a compulsive gamblers. My moods improved relationships at home and work greatly improved based on truth and understanding myself better. My friendships were starting to get back to what they should be, being supportive and there if needed. I was now having more thoughts of not gambling and continuing my recovery than i was of gambling itself, thoughts of gambling 6/10 again good steady progress.
Quarter three - The progress continues, on the relationship front things are as good or better than they have ever been, the concerts, breaks and holidays allow us both the relaxation and closeness that we haven't had as we should have for the last 25 years. At work people are now returning to me for the help and support that i should have been available for all along. Higher level colleagues are starting to realise that i have much more to offer than they first thought and are rapidly trying to re evaluate my skills and value to them, colleagues are vying for me , it feels good. Work now feels good, productive and interesting again and ends the quarter with an interview offer. Friendships have never been better and now the support flows both ways as i am a lot more honest and approachable. I now have the mental capacity to see my faults and plan to alter them, thinking about my life and the future are now comfortable and feel a rewarding activity. I am planning more holidays and breaks and concerts to keep the momentum. Finally for quarter 3 my thoughts of gambling are around 3/10.
So to the future, complacency has been mentioned so many times on the forum, so when i approach moments of high stress or see boredom creeping in the shutters will go up. Throwing myself into work has helped me to quit gambling so far, but hiding away from my addiction long term isn't an option, so regardless of new roles on the horizon i will be seeking a better work balance in my life. I plan to do everything to make my relationship go from strength to strength and be more supportive in my partners life and goals. I plan to give time to people who are struggling with gambling and hopefully show that there is light at the end of the tunnel and that they too can have a decent life if they put the hard work in.
I plan to find a good balance with things mentally and physically to strengthen me more and keep this addiction at bay. I realise that my partner will never trust me again, i am no longer offended by this and plan to turn this into a positive.
Finally anyone reading this who is struggling, you can do this, try to find the inner you and develop yourself slowly, Rome wasn't built in a day, tweeks to your life here and there after you have stamped out the toxicity to your brain of gambling, will slowly get you to where you want to be. Never ever give up.
Try to stop gambling from a position of strength, its working so far for me.
Good Luck All.
Hi lids..... Just found ur diary at such a strong point.....love that bit about looking not at our weaknesses (like we all do, bringing anxiety, stress, negative thoughts) but look at what we achieve our strengths and what we bring to the table.
You've certainly done that thru this year mate......like u say Rome wasn't built in a day but each quarter your thoughts towards gambling have improved, your work life and ambitions have improved and most most importantly you've put ur partner and family first, you've shown them what you've wanted to show them all along.....
Let's not look to the negatives let's look to the positives.....this year has seen a new fresh optimistic lids striving thru life's problems and not seeking solace in a vice .....
We can all take ur advice and look for our strengths to push us forward... A non gambling life brings with it our full minds ability to succeed and enjoy.....
Lots of love Adam xxx
Lids,
A wonderful post & life story. From desperation to a glimmer of hope. From despair to realization that it isn't an income or easy money scheme. From fantasy to reality. A celebration moment ( no matter how long it takes you to realize ) that the gambling dens are not just taking your money, but sucking the life out of you. Understanding that the day you came clean wasn't really such a massive surprise to your loved ones. A disappointment for sure, but let's face it when we're active only a blind man couldn't tell there's something not right. Kid the world everything's fine, kid ourselves single handedly we'll find a way out of this mess.
You've gone from a lost soul to a husband, dad any family would be proud of. Your yesterday is my strength to get through tomorrow. Your progress convinces me that I can do it too. Your understanding of complacency is the fail safe that is an integral part of me not s******g up ( AGAIN ). Keep going fella you're an inspiration.
Best Wishes
AL
Thanks, it means a lot form you two, and thank you both for all your support and encouragement.
Hello lids.
Just wanted to say how much you contributed on tonight's chat. Sometimes I think my journey's ended on here, same old comments, same old me. Then that encouragement comes from you, I feel relevant, part of a shared journey which we all sometimes find hard. I'm GF & it's thanks to you & your unconditional support dare I say it ?. JUST FOR TODAY I WILL NOT GAMBLE.
Thanks Fella
AL
Kindred spirits pal, and you are absolutely right it is a shared journey.
The thing i have certainly learned is encouragement and positive support help so much, and more often than not gets reciprocated, its like a positive circle rather than the vicious circle that is gambling.
Your own pertinent comments more often than not relate to me directly, or if not get my brain churning and inspire me into facets of my life not yet considered, and having the ability to do that should not be under estimated.
When you are feeling down think about all the people that you directly or indirectly help out, every one has down days AL, but the thought of all the selfless good that you do should reinvigorate you.
There are so many new people on the chat lately, and its so good to see they are so clued up on how to attack this addiction, but sometimes your own subtle comments make them think of the finer details of tackling addiction, along with others more direct advice the chat and forum has come on no end from when i first came here, You along with others are a massive part of that, and in my own battle it is so much appreciated.
Cheers Pal.
Just to add anyone who has read my diary.
I got the job !!
And even better a very valued colleague who i have mentored and is fast becoming a good friend got the partnering job..........she is now my equal, but i am so glad she is and cant wait to work with her and our new boss.
So where do i start?
What a difference 300 days make. From a quivering wreck to stability to optimism to dare i say it quite happy.
The secret well too many little tweaks to mention, but drawing a line in the sand, refusing to get stressed at work and learning to relax again.
I hope and pray it continues but i have learned so much these last 300 days.
Now onto the next challenge - complacency, any tips would be greatly valued.
Thanks to everyone who has helped me, and there are many.
Good Luck in your own battles and stay strong.
We are available 24 hours a day, every day of the year. You can also contact us for free on 0808 80 20 133. If you would like to find out more about the service before you start, including information on confidentiality, please click below. Call recordings and chat transcripts are saved for 28 days for quality assurance.
