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Pete123 Recovery Diary  

 
Pete123
(@pete123)

Day 1

23rd November 2016

To my dear old friend; Gambling Addiction

I write this letter with such a heavy heart, but the time has come to tell you the truth.

I am hurting so bad, words can’t describe how much so, but it’s time to let you go.

It’s so important for me to acknowledge the special relationship that we had. People have told me for twenty years now that I need to control you and indeed leave you. That is understandable because everyone could see how much you hurt and destroyed me, how you made me so ill, and scared and sad.

That said my dear old friend, although you have taken so much from me over the years, I still wish to thank you so kindly from the bottom of my heart.

Others can’t see or understand the relationship we have had for the last twenty years. You have been there when I have felt hope, joy and happiness. You have been there when I have been in absolute despair, at rock bottom with tears in my eyes, feeling no hope for my future and no sense of self-worth.

But I thank you my friend, because although you have taken all my money (approximately One Hundred and Twenty Thousand over the last twenty years) and left me with nothing, we both know you have been there for me, when others have judged me and I have felt shame for being simply me. You my friend have never judged me; you my friend have stood by me, hugged me and shared my pain.

Gambling addiction, my dear old friend you have taken so much from me, but before we go our separate ways I want to thank you from the depths of my heart…………………. for saving me…………… in every way possible.

If it weren’t for you, I know I would have gone off the rails and would certainly be dead by now. I would have either committed suicide, or turned to heroin and hurt innocent people. I am so grateful my friend, and I have tears in my eyes knowing that despite this, I have to end our relationship.

I want you to understand that although we can never meet again, I don’t want to leave with feelings of bitterness and regret. But I know if we stay together, I will lose everything and be on the streets. Now we both know that if this happens you will have no choice but to turn your back on me and leave me in the dark cold streets, because I will have nothing more to give you.

That’s why it has to be now, my old friend, we have to bid each other a fond farewell, it’s not easy for me, my eyes are welling up with tears as I write this. I am going to miss you so much; I am going to feel real pain and loss, and the feeling that I have abandoned you after we have been through so much together; I am so sorry my dear old friend. I wish you all the best in the world and I know that you will make many friends.

I ask only one thing of you for the sake of our twenty year relationship, and that is; please my friend, let me go, don’t call on me.

I have wished you well and parted on good terms, please respect that. Time will heal, I will learn to cope without you, I will learn to be strong and I will learn to love myself.

Good bye forever my dear old friend.

Kind and warm regards

Pete123

Quote
Posted : 23rd November 2016 11:16 pm
repeatoffender1977
(@repeatoffender1977)

If you're serious about recovery you're going to need a plan. And sentimentality for something so progressively bad for you isn't going to help much. I wish you well but you need to think about how you're going to stop, removing time, opportunity, and money to gamble with. Maybe some counselling or GA? Barring yourself from establishments you frequent? Take some action!

ReplyQuote
Posted : 24th November 2016 6:36 am
LifeBegins
(@lifebegins)

Hi Pete, good to see you've started a diary. It's kinda sad that you see gambling as a friend, but I do understand where you're coming from. I remember ODATT telling me early on that I needed to check my definition of the word friend as in reality Mr. G is a lying, cheating scumbag who robs us of our self worth as well as our money. One day you'll look back on that first post and wonder why you felt that way. Until then, keep stepping forwards. Do what you need to do to be rid of your frenemy and rebuild your life. Wishing you well. LB x

ReplyQuote
Posted : 24th November 2016 9:51 am
Oldhamktf
(@oldhamktf)

I am addiction

I start in small subtle ways promising many things,
I promise you enjoyment and pleasure beyond your wildest dreams,
I deliver guilt and despair more horrible than your worst nightmare,
I promise you power and courage,
I give you feelings of powerlessness & hopelessness,
I will force you to live in fear always,
I promise you relief and escape from all your daily problems,
I create for you greater problems than you ever imagined,
I promise you many friends but
I allow you only isolation.
I promise happiness but
I create much sorrow.
I will steal from you your dignity,your families,your friends,your children.your homes,your demons.your spirit & your life.....For love, freedom & happiness are impossible in my presence.
So NEVER UNDERESTIMATE ME
I am devious & manipulating,
I have no preferences as to who I pick as my victim, rich or poor, young or old, black ,white, yellow or red.
I have killed men, women and children,
I have no conscience.
So if you have met me, always be aware if you think you can beat me... that I will be gone from your life and all will be well again.
NEVER FORGET that I will always be there, waiting in the dark shadows, just around the corner.
I am very patient and I will laugh in your face if I can lure you into my evil world of hell on earth again.

ReplyQuote
Posted : 24th November 2016 10:07 am
Pete123
(@pete123)

25th November 2016

Day 3

Hi repeatoffender1977 - LifeBegins - Oldhamktf

Thank you for taking the time to read my post and for your replies, I feel it has been beneficial to get different perspectives. Thank you.

Today is my third day of not gambling. It has been difficult as not a single hour has passed without me thinking and wanting to play the online slots, but I have resisted.

ReplyQuote
Posted : 25th November 2016 1:23 am
Sorrygorry
(@sorrygorry)

Well done on getting to day3 I wish you continued success but take it in small steps a day at a time x You CAN get through this find that inner strength within . Have you tried self excluding your self that was my first step an it really helped me . 2017 can be the year you start to claw bk your life x good luck Hun xx

ReplyQuote
Posted : 6th January 2017 10:33 pm
Pete123
(@pete123)

It was in November 2016 i started to think i could at least *** the concept of takling my Gambling problem hoping 2017 i could finally hold my head up with pride......... how wrong i was.

I had cut down drastically and managed to save £1000 from November, to pay towards my graduation exspencies in a few months. I was relativley proud on the achoevment. However, i f*****d up big time, last night thought i would try £20 to see if i could get a win on online slots. Needles to say the £20 loss lead to £1000 loss. I then got a loan from Wonga of £200 and lost that too. Feeling so disapointed and angry with myself. How on earth could i lose in a few hours, what i had saved since November 2016, £8 left on the electric, paid next week, when Wonga repayment will take most of it. Gambling to me is like being possessed by the devil, i cant take the suffering anymore, im just too exhausted, sick and tired.

To all those still battling the gambling addiction, keep fighting the fight, your stronger than me, and i wish you all every success.

Peace be with you. xx

ReplyQuote
Posted : 8th June 2017 7:23 am
Pete123
(@pete123)

Just a quick update

2 years and 8 months gamble free now, following 20 odd years of compulsive gambling.

Since October 2017, I have been attending GA meetings weekly without fail, this is a lifetime commitment; and to be honest, one in which I enjoy.

I cannot begin to explain how different my life is now; being free from the anguish and self-destruction I had experience through years of compulsive gambling.

Over the past three years, I had been making token payments to my creditors of £1 per month (towards my almost £19.000 debts). After considerable in-depth discussions with Step-Change regarding my personal situation and options, I had applied for and was granted a Debt Relief Order.

Since my first post to this forum back in 2016, I never would have thought that I could successfully become gamble free like others had achieved. But I have.

I cannot begin to express how great it feels to live a life without gambling.

I am a compulsive gambler… in recovery

(I keep my guard up, and then some; barriers in place, acknowledge my feelings and attend my regular GA meetings).

There is hope for everyone.

Pete123

 

 

 

 

 

ReplyQuote
Posted : 13th July 2020 11:38 am
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