One day at a time

Hi Magsy

Reading your last post it certainly sounds like you are suffering and loneliness is never nice. Get that dog walked, my old man suffers with depression and has struggled big time the last 10-15 years with it. He has made a lot of new friends on his dog walks and has really perked him up. Get yourself out even if you really feel like you can't, you may surprise yourself.

Having the comfort zone of knowing you can be bailed out of any gambling losses is not a healthy way to deal with it and will promotre re lapses. Us addicts will find any excuse to gamble so it is dangerous being allowed to. It sounds like you could do with talking to your partner and telling him exactly how you feel about everything. Don't suffer alone or beat yourself up, we are all behind you.

Stay strong and good luck.

Matt

Thanks for your advice Sars. I went back to work on Monday after 3 months off and was so overwhelmed I think that is mainly what triggered my relapse. On Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday I just thought I can never do this job again and I'll end up being sacked. Yesterday and today have been better at work though. And I'm seeing my doctor on Tuesday.

Thanks for your advice Matt. It's much appreciated. I've taken the dog out for a walk the last 2 days and realised how unfit me and her are so going to do it more. And you're right, it does make me feel better but sad as well. I associate walking the dog with a walk round my Mams. But I suppose I'll have to accept my Mam's not here any more.

I don't feel as down as I did at the beginning of the week. What I wrote on Tuesday in this diary IS how I feel, but today I feel more positive that I can do something about feeling lonely and detached from people.

I really could kick myself for relapsing cos I had been doing so well and now I'm back to the beginning again. I've joined 5 new sites between Monday and now. I've self excluded from 4 of them. The other one I can't deposit in and will self exclude from when my sons bet is finished. One good thing about all the help I've had previously on here has meant I set a low deposit limit on each site I joined and only made one or two deposits before I self excluded. So the financial 'hit' hasn't been as bad as it could have been. I even went on my sons site and reversed his withdrawal but luckily I won so he's still getting the withdrawal and more. Plus he's changed his password.

I would really love to just have no internet access at all but that's not fair on my partner and kids. Thinks that's one of the reasons I feel I'd do better living on my own, that and the fact that I'm sick of feeling like their housekeeper and let me tell you the wages aren't good, lol. But no internet access means no Gamcare, I suppose.

I've bought a blank notebook and am going to write in it all the things I need to do and tick off each thing when it's done.

Well fingers crossed tomorrow I will be 24 hours gambling free and starting again at Day 1. And also have stopped telling myself that I'm useless and not worthy of good things or happiness in my life. x

Can't believe it's been 2 years and 8 days that I last posted on here.

I'd like to say it's because I've totally beaten this crappy addiction - but I can't cos I haven't.

A lot has happened in the last 2 years.

My gambling got so bad at one point I thought the only way out was to kill myself but luckily I went to the doctors cos I read online that there was an anti-depressant that helped people with addiction. She asked why I wanted it and I broke down and told her everything. From there I was prescribed an anti-depressant plus I had counselling and did a mindfulness course.

AND I STILL GAMBLED.

This was despite registering with Gamstop and trying to put things in place to stop me - installing blocking software on my computer (and not renewing it), having a Nokia C2 mobile that you can't gamble on cos it's so basic. But when I couldn't gamble online then I just started playing on the slot machines at bingo or an amusement arcade.

About a month ago my partner realised I'd been gambling on the home computer and took his bank card off me - the silly man let me have it to use for shopping and my wages goes on the bills.

Even then I still gambled.

But last week I thought to myself that there's no way I'm going to ask him for money. I'm quite happy for him to take over the shopping side of things anyway - he rarely does a hand's turn in our house so it means he is doing something now, lol.

So I cut up my credit cards and bank card. And because I do my online gambling via my son or brother's gambling accounts and have to deposit into their bank accounts so I can put money into their gambling accounts - I deleted my son's and brother's bank accounts from my bank account payees - knowing I can't add them back without having my bank card.

I've installed Gamban on my home computer - it's much much cheaper and better than Gamblock.

I try to only have £5 in my purse when I go to the work so I'm not tempted to go in the amusement arcade afterwards.

And I have a second basic bank account that I transfer money from my main account to so I have access to my money but only transfer small amounts when needed.

It's been a tough week and I'm Jonesing for an online gambling session - I even tried to deposit into one of the offshore online gambling sites from my basic bank account - but luckily the bank refused the deposit. I still tried again a few days later.

The compulsion to gamble is so very strong that I don't think it will ever leave me. If I could I know I would gamble now.

I wonder if they'll ever invent something similar to a nicotine patch that takes the edge off the compulsion to gamble - it's something I would buy for sure. 

Sending love and best wishes to all you out there trying to overcome gambling addiction. 

Had my first session with a NECA gambling therapist last Friday. I also read the Allan Carr Easyway to Stop Gambling book again last week.

I feel like there's been some shift in my brain because I just have no urge to gamble - at all.

I feel like a non gambler - and I have the confidence to say so to my family.

There's been no 'light bulb moment' just a happiness inside me.

During my therapy session I told her when I play online slots I even quickly press to the next spin even if I'd had a big win. That when I can't gamble money then I would play freeplay or other free app games like candy crush etc. So she said I need a slower pastime - she even suggested making bread. I remembered I used to enjoy reading.

Straight after the session I went and rejoined the library and got some books out. I've also started doing sodoku again. But to be honest I am just happy pottering about the house or watching TV. 

I'm not even scared that this is just a temporary distraction from gambling.

I've never felt like this before.

It's a lovely feeling 🙂

o*g I am BORED BORED BORED.

Happily I still have no urge to gamble but I just don't know what to do. 

I think I'll just go to bed.

Hi Magsy

Wonderful post  how i can relate to it. When i first stopped i was Bored, Bored , Bored. Trying different things like the gym & taking my grandchildren to school each morning was so boring but at the same time i had an unquenchable thirst for knowledge, know how & support. I had to believe there was a way out of this nightmare i'd created & would haunt me for over 40 years.

What was once a chore has now become a joy ( challenging at times ) but looking forward to getting up in the mornings & contributing and being part of real family life & giving something back to those whom i robbed for so many years feels good. I too had help through NECA being a NE lad & i remember having to fill out a diary of each days activities at counselling.

I spent hours wallowing in self pity, reading posts for hours on end ( which can be good ) but i read for so long before i knew it, it was lunch time. ----  my counsellor was quick to point out that this was not healthy & that perhaps i spent too long studying other peoples recovery, whilst neglecting my own. On a weekly /daily basis i was encouraged to clean the house,visit family do a job that had been overlooked like re sealing the bath & getting rid of those awful mildew stains.

As time progressed i discovered more & more ways to fill in my time each day. Some tasks are mundane & boring still, yet others are about integration, re- connecting with family & the outside world. The more i try to commit to these simple things the better life becomes for me personally. Giving up  gambling leaves us all with a massive void in our lives to fill. Filling that void with healthy things don't make me bored bored bored any longer. They make me tired tired tired at a time when 12 months ago i would be watching & gambling on American & Australian horse racing & football all night long.

Stay Strong

AL

Aw that's fantastic to know Slowlearner/AL.

I'm pleased that you're doing so well and are no longer bored bored bored. There's hope for me yet.

Today has been better because I went shopping with my son and then took the dogs for a walk to my brothers.

I did not realise how big a void quitting gambling would leave. 

But I'd settle for the void over gambling addiction any day of the week

For the first time in years I'm not overdrawn at the bank and so am not needing to constantly rework my finances so I can pay my bills, then rework them yet again when I gamble more.

I'm sleeping better because I'm not worried and stressed so have more energy.

It's lovely enjoying spending time with my partner instead of wanting him out of the way so I can gamble.

 I'll definitely work on filling the void.

Hi Magsy,

It's lovely enjoying spending time with my partner instead of wanting him out of the way so I can gamble. That's how i was, i  couldn't  wait to drop her off to work each morning & get on my lap top & begin to create further misery, lies & havoc in the twisted world i'd became so comfortable in.

One day at a time reflect on not what you've lost but what you still have.Ask yourself if the roles were reversed and your partner had been the CG would you have stuck around & tried to help & support him /her. I'm so glad you've enjoyed the simple things in life like walking the dogs & visiting your brother today. Healthy deeds, healthy thoughts & enjoying the simple pleasures. Giving something back to the ones we love are all part of filling the void gambling leaves us with and has robbed us of for so long. 

Sincere Best Wishes

AL

I've had my first payday after being gambling free for all of October. It's lovely BUT weird knowing I have money to spare. I'm so used to constantly checking my bank account and also constantly reworking my budget.

I keep thinking I should to pay more off my credit card or put some aside but think instead for this month I'm gonna treat myself to something nice and leave any extra money in my account.

Life still feels a bit empty and grey without gambling but I'd rather have this empty feeling instead of my normal wretched feeling.

Still not played on slots and have no intention to which is fab.

I realised last week that my slot addiction started after I had packed in the f**s so wondered if back then I had given up one addiction for another.

And then yesterday I realised that I'm becoming fixated on bingo - it was something I would do about once or twice a month but I went Sunday and then last night and am even thinking of going there again today. Hunched over bingo books - upper body tense - waiting for the right number to be called. 

£10 to £20 a session at bingo doesn't seem bad compared to the hundreds I could lose on the slots per session but like all gambling, for me it is a slippery slope. 

I'm seeing my NECA gambling therapist tomorrow so know I'll discuss it then.

Did a silly thing on Sunday. I needed change for a pound coin in the trolley in the supermarket so went to the kiosk and got 2 scratchcards so got change from a fiver. Then on Christmas Eve I bought 3 more scratchcards and didn't win on them so on Boxing Day I bought 5.  Now I'm wanting to gamble on the slots.

My mind is coming up with seemingly 'reasonable' excuses to gamble. 

I may as well buy more  = No I did not.

I've not played on the slots since 30 September. I'm not going to start playing them again - or play on scratchcards as a substitute.

I think I was just stressed because I'm into my overdraft because my daughter's dog has been poorly since 11 December and the vet bills so far have cost me £140 and her dad £100 not to mention the £390 for the eye operation he's having on the 2nd January. I know my daughter will pay us back eventually but at the moment she's drowning in debt. And at the time I felt bad cos I'd said no when the vet said he needed an MRI scan that would cost £2500 to find out why he's lost the use of his back leg - we thought he was going to die but thankfully he's walking pretty much normally now.

Well I would be £19 less into my overdraft if I hadn't bought scratchcards. 

I'll treat it as a learning experience 🙂

Spoke to my gambling therapist on Wednesday. We discussed the lapse I had over Christmas. 

I'm going to learn from it and move on. The gambling urge is slowly going back to sleep. 

I'm so thankful for the support I'm getting at the moment.

Hi magsy

Very well done on keeping this lapse to a minimum, learning from it and moving on in your recovery. Keep up the good work,

Forum Admin

Been a long time since I added to to this recovery diary.

So far it's been another year of stop/start with my gambling. 

I did the Gamechange course recently and it has helped a lot but last Saturday and this Wednesday I had lapses.

I wanted to gamble after work today but talked myself into buying myself a cake instead.

The urge is still here now but pride is just about stopping me from texting my brother to send me his online account passwords so I can gamble.

I'm going to have to remove temptation and not take any money with me when I go to work cos it's hard to resist the temptation to go in the slotties when I finish work.

Well for now I'm so tired I just want to go to sleep so night night x