One day at a time

Day 5

This should be my day 5 of not gambling but it's not. On Day 2 I joined yet another site and have spent the days gambling.

At the moment I've withdrew £20 more than I've put in but when I think of the hours lost to gambling and my lack self control then I could kick myself.

It's just like when I say I'm going to eat less - I just become ravenous and eat everything in sight.

And I always thought my relationship made me unhappy so I gambled but I really think my gambling makes me unhappy and that's when I make problems in my relationship cos I'm not really worthy of someone loving me when I don't love myself. Not that my partner is perfect by any means but he says he loves me and puts up with my pretty nasty moods.

And because I've just had a hysterectomy, I'm off work sick and scared to even go outside for a walk in case I have a prolapse and won't see my gynie until next week to get my fears allayed. And the hot flushes and mood swings are driving me round the twist.

I think my plan of action will be to email this new site to self exclude me once my last withdrawal is received and try not deposit in the meantime. Make myself go out for a little walk each day or even walk round the back garden. And stop blaming my family for not helping me how I would like to be helped - they are used to me being independant and I don't like having to ask for help.

So really this is day 5 of my recovery diary. I'm not going to just put in it the times I don't gamble and then start another diary when I lapse like I've done before. I'm afraid it's going to be warts and all.

Until next time x

Keep us updated .. well done for doing the right move . Not being horrible but i think recovery starts when you haven't gambled tbh . The more you try and mask it the worse it will get as you would think it's only a blip or something .. what's done is done and just have to be realistic . Keep up the good work

Hi I've only just joined an I hope u don't mind me writing a comment on your post,I'm not sure how it all works but I've been reading the post about saying your gonna give up then 2 days later your gambling again,I'm exactly the same I'm 31 an I've tried everything for the last 13 years to stop!but I keep relapsing ive hurt a lot off people along the way family and friends,but it's got to a point now where I'm completely on my own every one given up hope on me,which I blame myself for but I no if I can stop this addiction taking over my life I can put everything right,luckily I've got a job with not bad money but same gonna take me till at least next year to pay all debt off to people I owe an loans an credit,,I'm starting my recovery like you,this is day 1 off my long journey!like I say hope u don't mind me commenting thanks

Day 6

Thanks Sars27 and I don't think you're being horrible at all. It's just this is the diary I'll be keeping from now on warts and all. I can't talk to my family about my gambling because they show their displeasure at what I've done which I totally understand but it's not judgement I want - I suppose I want someone to say 'aw no, now how can I help you so it doesn't happen again'.

I think addiction is such an awful thing to have - so isolating and overwhelming and takes great strength of will not to succumb to.

I hope on this site I get my mind to the point, through self awareness, that I get the strength of will to stop gambling. I hope it's okay what I'm writing and if not then I hope the moderaters will tell me to leave.

Anyway, last night I gambled online for about 4 hours. I had 3 hours sleep so as well as being so upset at myself cos my bank will be overdrawn, I've also spent my afternoon catching up on my sleep. So not only a wasted day but a wasted night also.

I've self excluded from the site I'd joined. My brother gave me a password to one of his gambling accounts so I gambled on there this afternoon, but only for about twenty minutes and stopped with exactly what I'd gambled. Actually I tell a lie, I gave my son £2 to put a bet on - what a family of enablers, eh!

So although this is day 6 of my diary, it's not day six of not gambling.

I hope tomorrow is a better day. x

You are honest here about your addiction which is a great start. Best wishes, Phil

Love your honesty keep up the good work ! We are all here rooting for you ! Have a great day 🙂

Day 7

Thanks for your encouragement Phil72 and Sars27.

And sorry I didn't mention you Hope28 in my yesterday's post but I was writing my update when your post came online. I'm so sorry you're having a hard time controlling your gambling Hope28 but please never give up giving up. I had counselling that was arranged via gamcare last year and it really helped me gain more understanding of my gambling, strategies for not gambling and it was lovely talking to someone about my addiction and being helped and not judged. I would encourage you to try it, and if you already have then to try it again.

If I make it to 2.15 pm then that will be a full 24 hours of not gambling. I've asked my brother to change his password but he hasn't cos I logged on his account this morning to check the time I last gambled. Normally I do that on the pretence of checking, then will deposit and off I go again - but this time I quite happily logged off again. And this made me feel good.

I have a gambling account that I've had for a few years that I have never wanted to self exclude from and I'm in time out till 28 June. I have decided now is the time to self exclude. I could wait till my time out finishes but I know if I do then I'll deposit first so better to self exclude now.

Hopefully I'll get back to work next week so that should keep me occupied too. And I'm going to try making scones today for the first time. I need to put things in place to distract me from the urge to gamble. It's a lot harder at the moment because I'm stuck at home as I'm still recovering from my hysterectomy but will get easier when I get back to my normal routine.

I'm going to update my diary tonight then each evening after that.

Bye for now x

Day 7 contd.

Well I did it. I haven't gambled since 2.15 pm yesterday. And I've finally self excluded from the one gambling site I've resisted self excluding from for the past 2 years.

I'm still going to put the National Lottery on cos I love day dreaming about how I'd spend it if I won big - and I don't have any problem of wanting to put more and more tickets on. Just one on a Friday will do me.

My son's been testing me saying 10 - 5 which basically means I put £15 in one of his gambling accounts and I get £10 and he gets £5. I didn't give in.

I did think part way through the day that I'd go on a site and just play free play - but didn't cos I thought it would make me want to deposit and gamble for real.

My short term goal is to finish July with my bank account in credit.

Things I need to keep in mind to do that is try and control/deal with the times I feel frustrated/unhappy with my life or my partner cos those are the times my addiction is a lot harder to control.

Gambling has been part of my life since I was probably about 8 or 9. I remember playing cards for money with family. On a Sunday after dinner from my teens we would play cards, dominoes or scrabble for money. And we always had a bet and sweepstake on the Grand National.

My Mam and my 2 sisters went through a phase of squandering all their money in fruit machines. My mam even stole from a community association to fund her habit.

After my Mam suffered a stroke in 2004 me or one of my 2 sisters used to take her to the seafront amusements where she would play the fruit machines for hours, then we would go for dinner and shopping at Morrisons. Later she changed to the machines that gave prize tickets. She had about 40k in tickets when she died and my brother gave them to my daughter to exchange for prizes. My Mam didn't get to the amusements in the last year or so of her life. My youngest brother lived with her and was her main carer, I was his second in command carer, and when she was in hospital I was the main hospital visitor. My older sister would take her out in the car. My other sister would do her shopping. My oldest brother would be on hand to do any chauffeuring and my younger brother would manage her savings.

Mam died in July last year. In the last probably 2 years of her life she was mainly bed bound, she had a hospital type bed in the sitting room. I would go there after work and if she didn't need anything doing me and my brother would play on our online accounts, and she would tell us if she wanted a cuppa or anything.

In April last year my partners Mam came to live with us in her final stages of cancer. She died on 14 May last year. She loved online bingo and would encourage me to gamble on her account.

I wonder if gambling addiction is nature or nurture - maybe a bit of both.

Anyway, enough reminiscing. Time for peepies. Nite x

Hi magsey..
Jeez...you've had a rough old time....and I'm sorry to see that...
Fighting this addiction is hard...very hard...even harder when family members are encourging you to gamble !
You said you want someone to say " what can I do to help you"..
I'll say...
Ring the helpine..
Self exclude from sites...
But the one thing that work for me was...
Blocking gambling sites via your
internet provider...if you can get this done....you simply can't get to the sites....
I see you found the counselling usefull...so did I...you may be able to get another batch...ask the helpline...
The time wasted to online slots for me was a hard thing to accept...but I just had to draw a line under it and move on...
Looking back to when my addiction had me chained to my laptop...I was a lying..manipulating ..devious ..selfih slob. .slouching around the home with slots being the only thing I thought about...
Convincing myself it was ok to behave like that because of xyz..
And it was xyz's fault I played etc etc !
Actually...it was my choice...my fault...my doing....ok...I never sat down and thought..." let's become an addict "...that's the danger of the proggression of this addiction..
I remember the early days of fighting .....so so hard...
It would have been so much easier to say " stuff it " I'll just do £10...but it doesn't work like that love...all or nothing in afraid hun. .
I never. ..in a million years thought id get this far....but I did...and you can love. ..
Make a plan...and get some distance between you and your last gamble...take a look at my diary...it may help...it may not...but it will take time to read...time that you won't be gambling...good luck love

Day 8/2

Well pleased with myself - Day 2 with no gambling.

Thanks for your reply and advice Loxxie. I don't want to ring the helpline atm but will if I feel myself slipping. I've self excluded from all sites I've ever joined, it's the pesky new ones that are my downfall these days. I'm going to install K9 on my computer and laptop. My daughter will set the password for me but I need to catch her when she's not working/asleep - there'll be judgement but I'll try not to let it get me down, and she only judges cos she loves and worries about me bless her. Normally I use betfilter but last time I had it I could still access one of the big online gambling sites despite emailling them lots to try and resolve it.

I paticularly identified with your comment 'Looking back to when my addiction had me chained to my laptop...I was a lying..manipulating ..devious ..selfih slob. .slouching around the home with slots being the only thing I thought about...'. It was spot on x

Good news re access to my brothers account, sort of - he got a new bank card delivered today so all I need ot do is not get access to his new cvc number. However my daft mind at one point was telling to have a last gambling session on his account while I still have access to it before he updates his card details. I was really lulling myself to think it was okay. Then somehow I reined in that thought and told myself NO.

It was quite cathartic writing last nights post for me. I realised how much I miss having my Mam and Ma in Law in my life, and how much my life has changed without them here. But it helped me remember what remarkable, strong women they both were.

Well my beloved is home from work and has immediately put the TV on and the noise is so distracting so I will sign off now.

One day at a time 🙂

3rd day of not gambling. To be honest I haven't thought about it much.

At the moment I feel fine. Which to be honest is strange cos for quite a while now my state of mind has been feeling anxious, worried, unworthy and contstantly tired. And, whilst I wouldn't say I was suicidal, I definitely felt I would feel that way until I died.

I much prefer feeling fine x

Hi Magsy,

I just wanted to thank you for your thoughts. I have read some of your thoughts. So much i could say... online gambling is just such a nightmare. At my worst and after a win I was doing £100 spins. If i win I just upp the stakes. The end result is always loss and personal misery.

Like you say.. we have to look after out mind body and soul. When we are anxious, worried, feeling unworthy and contstantly tired.... the gambling devil loves that...

Keep working recovery... as i try to do the same.

4th day gamble free.

Thanks for your comment and I hope you are doing okay S.A

I've not had any urge to gamble. I'm self excluded from all my accounts and don't have access to my brothers account. My son is still saying 10-5 but I tell him no.

I think the main difference for me is that I feel fine about myself. I know I went overboard gambling last Saturday night but I'm not fixating on the failure of that night so not constantly beating myself up over it.

As I said in an earlier post, it took me many attempts to kick my smoking addiction but eventually I quit and have been a non smoker for 11 1/2 years. I'm expecting it'll be the same with this gambling addiction.

I'm still just taking it one day at a time x

6th day of not gambling. I've continued to say no to my son's 10/5 temptations and even better declined my brothers offer to use money in his gambling account to pay off his debt to me. I'm particularly proud because I've realised Saturday nights are the times it's hardest for me to control the urge to gamble. But not this Saturday night. The trigger hasn't changed but my feelings have. I know if I gamble then I'll gamble till I lose then feel unworthy and then accept the status quo cos I'm unworthy. Well not this Saturday folks. Cos I still feel fine 🙂