Off the Ride

11 Days since my Last bet... I am glad I have stopped, and i know i have alot of challenging times ahead. I have been in a depressed sort of low state daily since then. The reality of having to pay things back slowly and organizing my finances has been on my mind and also the unknown is probably causing alot of this uneasiness inside me.

Ive been reading a book called "Willpowers Not Enough"-Arnold M.Washton, and so far it has caused me to look even more deep into the causes of my illness and has revealed some things to me. A major one for me since birth it seems, was never being good enough for anything in my mind. I was the middle Child, and my older Brother was the most out going witty person and always attracted lots of friends. Myself the introvert, I never seem to be "In" I always felt like something was wrong with me and still do. I believe what drove this addiction in me so deep was that when i began to Gamble I had a great run. It was a daily activity from the very beginning and In approx. 6 months my profit was around £30,000 at 21 years old this was a good ammount of cash...I still cant figure out how it happened, but at least 8 of 10 days I would always Be ahead 200-500.

Having all that extra cash made me the "In" guy and satisfied my ego for a time. I invited everyone out that I could, and we would drink and dance, and I would pay for most of it. (Buying friendship..what a great idea.) It was the highlight of my life. I bought a new car in Cash, and went on a 2 month Vacation. I took my mother as well and paid for everything. I was the big hero. It felt great.

Reality hit when the Vacation ended and my winning streak was over....The next 6.5 years i spent everything i earned and was borrowing on a regular basis just to gamble and meet what ever pressing obligation i had. Though people around me knew i was Gambling, they never knew the impact it was having on me mentally/financially...or at least i think i kept it a secret.

This disease took over everything, and has robbed me of so many joys and experiences i see others having. In my efforts to regain that feeling I had of being "In" I Increased my problems 1000 fold. As I have read in many areas... CG is not a money problem, it is an emotional problem, or defect in character.

I see this 100% in my illness. The money problems are simply the fallout of the disease, the mechanism which continues to feed the cycle of dispair.

I hope i can feel "normal" one day soon...free from this bondage. Become the person I could be without that defect or at least without its intense hold over my every decision.

I have made the step forward...I will keep going.

Hi YanJon, welcome to the forum 🙂

It's great that you have an awareness as to why you spent so long riding that train but don't kid yourself that it was the conductor that threw you off! You jumped & you deserve the credit for that! The state you have been in for almost 2 weeks now (go you) is as a result of throwing away those crutches that have been giving you false hope for years. Have you given any thought as to how you will keep moving forwards? Have you considered GA? Buying friends never works because those sort of people desert you in your darkest hours. People @ GA have a common bond & it's not the champagne lifestyle that many of us gamblers believe we are striving towards, it's the bond of recovery. People willing each other to return each week, crossing fingers hoping everyone checks in gamble free, sharing their hopes & fears with other members, offering support & the hand of friendship with no strings attached.

I'm the brilliant older sibling in my family & yet my sister had a spirit beyond compare...There is always the likelihood that if you scratch beneath the surface, you have qualities your brother would like a part of.

We can learn to live with our addictions & with hard work, normal is possible. Keep stepping forwards - ODAAT

Thanks for your words and support ODAAT,

Yes i have gone to GA. early in 2014 I did go to GA meetings I went on 5 different nights over a few weeks, and it helped alot. I felt really good going to those meetings, and as a result I was Gamble free for 6 months. Somewhere in my twisted logic I decided i was cured and did not return. As I had read, and should have listened...we simply arrest the addiction..it doesnt go away.

I am going to return to GA, and have rescently re-aquainted myself with one of my past hobbies, pool. I can play for hours and I enjoy the competition and people. Also going to work a few extra days and spend more time with family.

Gambling urges were mostly there after a few days of being upset, or thinking about how to get ahead financially. Once my days off came... there i would be every chance i could....each week digging myself deeper.

So far the pool has filled that time gap for now and i am enjoying it. No strong urges yet. but i am not going to kid myself i do need help which is why i found this site to begin with. I was looking for somewhere i could connect immediately as i think what helped me most with GA was... that we are not alone, and others are experiencing the same things.

20 Days... Was very hard the last couple weeks. I was feeling depressed and very low and distant. By some cosmic force everything tends to come at you when your feeling down, and trying to maintain yourself. I had to fight through quite a few nights to keep myself together. Not so much that i had wanted to gamble, but I was ovewhelmed by remorse at times. I guess feeling the dis-ease, and the loss. To add to things my GF has been very distant and super nit-picky lately. She has her own issues, but its amazing the timing.

It was difficult but i survived. A few times I wanted to just leave work as i felt really sad. I did leave and hour early on thursday and took a long bath just relaxing and listening to music. Made me feel alot better. I knew I needed a break from everything and I think it was a good time out for myself.

Part of my recovery has been reading alot about addictions and I believe that has drawn out alot of emotions. Still having a hard time sleeping as well. I stay up most of the night. I know in time this will subside, but it is difficult.

Going to try to add a little exercize this week to possibly help my sleep, energy and mood.

The fight goes on....

Made it past 1 month....not sure what I am expecting to feel. Still feel quite down. Maybe because all the pressure from expenses this time of year and afraid of messing up. I wanted to also stop borrowing and have a complete pay cheque but I may have to get 1 more pay loan to get through. Good thing is since I've been gamble free for a month I didn't need to borrow my whole future pay next two weeks as I had done for the past year every time paying crazy interest. Been working on my GA step 1 and that has brought up a lot of emotions and regret as well. GF still super distant ....bad timing right now as I have to focus on myself and yet I need her too. Patience...and more patience.

Positive for me is with taking up pool... playing quite well again in a short period of time and placed top 5 in 2 weekly tournaments so far. I love the competitive play and also just playing again I never get tired of it. I hope by mid January things look up on the emotional level, because I am getting tired of all the lows.

But hurray for me 1 month free!

Feeling much better alot of the sadness and depressed feelings are beginning to subside, sleeplessness is still a problem but I did have a full 8 hrs finally last night. They introduced a new keno game at the convenience store close to my work and I found myself reading about it. I could feel the ideas start to bubble up and the prospect of winning, but also I felt this is wrong stop it .... so I crumpled the pamphlet up and threw it away ! I feel proud of myself for listening to the right voice inside me. Thank God.

Just past 60 days Gambling Free! When I say to myself I have not gambled for two months, it does not feel like a long time or a big accomplishment for some reason. I think Because recovery is slow and incrimental, compared to the quick rush of gambling and the huge emotion ride up and down...down...down. I know I am doing way better, and I am proud of myself, but I have not felt a substantial relief yet. I feel only a sort of mild quiet improvement in Myself. Started budgeting and setting a plan for paying back all the debts I built up ...not fun to do. But if I stick to it and keep earning same ammount or more I will have most of the mess paid off in just under 2 years. I am goin to just do my best to be consistent, and constant this year. As long as i keep things moving in this direction I am satisfied. Thank you God for the strength to keep moving forward, even when it's not the most exciting thing to do.

Was feeling a bit down due to some relationship issues, and when i finally got to sleep I had a horrible dream. It did remind me of a couple things however...

I dreamt that I had gambled and lost 500 and I felt the absolute horrible feeling of the loss and the gulit of breaking my gambling free commitment. It was super vivid and felt terrible. It is the worst part of gambling. It is that gut wrenching sick feeling, that is the worst part of this addiction for me. It reminded me that i have not had to feel that for just over 60 days now. I used to have to endure that each and every night I gambled, save for the 1 or 2 % of the time I actually went home with profit. I would put myself through that night after night.

It reminded me of some of my triggers.

I was alone most of the night, and feeling a bit down. Lately, I have been upset about how distant My GF has been, and how some of her actions have made me feel. And right there lies the way I used to use gambling. Instead of dealing with the issue and finding a solution, I would go gamble...sometimes out of vengence, or just to forget..most times thinking if I win big all my problems would be solved. What a huge illusion that is. When I examine the logic it is insane. As if I could win Millions in a pub, when the machine pays a maximum of 1000. Even if it did pay huge ammounts, money would solve financial problems, and make life a bit more fun. Would it solve relationship issues and personality problems, commitment, family issues really? I dont think so.

Many hours later, I still feel the residual effects of the dream. I still feel bad even though it was in my head. Gambling is definately not a money issue, it is an emotional issue. and I have alot of damage to undo still. It would be nice if we could pause all of lifes other issues and just deal with the addiction, but it is all interconnected with the addiction. I built in those connections and made them stronger over the past 20 years. I repeated the training over and over. Feel Bad+Go Gamble=2%chance to feel better. I have to change this Feel bad+do something healthy, positive=90%chance to feel better.

Thank you God for taking something bad turning it into something i can use...

63 Days GF 🙂

90 Days 🙂

Im Gambling Free for 90 Days now. As I think about things today I see a little more clear now that Gambling was not my problem...Gambling was a huge addictive fake temproary "solution" to my real problems(at least thats what I had programed myself to believe). Gambling, and the constant scheming, lying and insanity of keeping the cycle going is what distracted me from the real problems in my life.

With the Void of all that running around, I am able to see myself, and all the ugliness that I have allowed in my life. Addictions keep us blind to the realities of life. It is what has allowed me to accept so many things that I should have worked on or eliminated. It has kept me away from people I love and has left me with very shallow relationships. When I look around at many others who have cultivated deep loving friendships with people over years, I am so envious, and regret that I spent so long obsessing with a stupid machine. Without all the chaos distracting me I am starting to see the financial damage, and how out of control my budget still is with other spending. This is not easy for sure. I guess this is really the hard part of Staying Addiction free. I never really thought about it this way. I always would think the decision "not to gamble" was the hard part. This is not the case for me.

Actually opening my eyes and facing the realities that I was running away from, that is the hard part. Looking at what I can't stand in my life is painful. Keeping an unhealthy relationship going with someone that I really Love, but that I don't think Loves me back, is super painful. Having to discipline myself, and face change, that is the difficult part. The easy thing to do, would be to go back to the cycle of Addiction, keep the Lie going and ignore life. The result of this choice however is much worse, a total empty worthless person. I guess its like gravity it is easy to just let go and fall an splat... takes no effort at all. But to keep climbing, struggling and moving forward is very hard. But the rewards and the strong person you become on the way to the summit, that feeling you get to experience at the top, must be totally worth it.

I've been thinking alot about my life. I also went by and visited my Mom and Dad yesterday.I was thinking how much time I have not spent with them, and it hurts. I Love them so much and they have been nothing but awesome to me, my whole life. Instead of talking with them, and spending time with them when I had issues, I would turn to the stupid Machines. What a bad mistake.

As sad as I am, I am also greatful that it is not too late. I still have them in my life, and I can enjoy time with them. I can begin to work on my relationships, and finances. I can make my life better.

Although it is totally unproductive and useless, I do miss the "Me" that could have been. Had I chosen the mature,courageous way to deal with life's problems things would be much different. I pray that I get to develop into that person soon. God please help me get things right in this life. Give me the courage, strength, wisdom, patience and words to make my life better.

I cannot change my past. I can only move forward, and make improvements wherever I can each day.

Not long till the 100 Jan Jon...keep going x

100 Days GF and many more to come ! Feels good. Have been reading lots and in a current book, it talks about Yoga being helpful in recovery. Im starting to learn how to "Breathe" properly...imagine that...not sure how I have stayed alive so long 😉 ... book describes how alot of our food/lifestyle choices can help keep us in the addictive mindset/vibration. Feeling good about it so far. Exercising a bit and thinking deeply about life alot.who am I really? Etc. Home life improving a bit but still the finance subject a little tough for me since I'm so far behind still. It's hard looking around at all the descent cars around and I'm driving old old old car. But I have to persevere through it. What's done is done. In time I will get to enjoy these things as well, when I have earned it and not by some luck. It is definantly difficult, when as a Gambler I was so used to instant results borrow money and in 5 minutes pocket full. Quick win or quick loss. Everything was at a fast pace. In reality everything was getting bad fast. Now on the flip side I have to wait months to see real improvement. 100 Days in and money is still tight. I still feel quite low, but I am seeing slight improvements. Iam learning you gotta have alot of patience in recovery. I have to change my mindset and try not to compare myself with everyone else. This is futile, and only hurts me. I really have to release everything I have done, and only look at present and a little bit ahead at the next step. Can't wait till April I get a week off work I feel I really need it. Anyway enough rambling today. Onward to 180 days goal.

Well done Yanjon great diary, just read through the complete thing come on 180 days. I see so many things that are the same between you and me and lots of other diaries strange how there is a connection in some way in all CG.

Anyway well done again keep fighting things can only get better.

Malc

Coming up on the 6 month mark soon.

Life is... hard. I guess that is what I kept running away from. I kept distracting myself from the challenges in life. The fantasy of winning big and "fixing" my problems kept my vision blurred. Now I get to feel and really experience all the mixed up feelings I have living with myself and my BPD girlfriend. I have learned that alot of addicts are codependant and are magnets for people with personality problems. This is me for sure. Dealing with addiction is tough enough on its own let alone having all these other challenges. But it is what it is. Life is throwing everything it can at me, but I am still standing.

Read this quote on my Sober Time app that is so appropriate:

" The gem cannot be polished without friction, nor man perfected without trials."

Boundaries...weak, weak, very weak. It has come to light just how much these last few weeks. I am figuring out that this is a huge flaw I have had for a long time. Weak boundaries with myself and with others. This has caused much of my frustration in my relationships and which undoubtedly caused much of my Gambling/money problems. Being so indecisive and non resolute in nearly everything I did. How did I let myself become this way...more research to do.

I know that I am really going to be working on this alot.

My Dad is complete opposite in this. He never let anyone cross boundaries with him. I wish some of this would have rubbed off on me. He has always been so Disciplined, and strong. and unbelievable rock of a man that does absolutely what he decides without fear of anything, and without worrying who it might bother. What a refreshing way to live. Succeed or fail, Ultimate freedom of having all the responsibility of the decisions we make rest with ourselves. I want to be more like him every day. So much of my life I have worried what others will think about me...who really gives a c**P what others think? I am not sure why I care so much.

Eg. Why do I care if my Girlfriend thinks I am being cheap on certain things, when I know she is simply choosing at that moment to forget that I had a gambling problem. She chooses to forget that I am paying out so much per month to fix it and stay on a budget. Why do I still break my boundaries, and give in and worry what she will think. I know if i make the right decisions now, life will get better . ...Delayed gratification=Opposite to gambling mentality. Alot of times however I give in, go spend a bunch more than I wanted to, and look like a hero... then feel like a falure inside. This puts more pressure on me financially, which is not a good thing for my recovery.

I am going to get stronger in this area. I must.

1 Year Gambling Free! ☺
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It has been a difficult summer for me as my relationship of 7 years came to an end. It has been extremely painful trying to let go of someone I love so much.
Each day is a struggle to get past the thoughts of her missing from my life, but thankfully, I have not added the stress of gambling to an already tough battle.
I have been drinking a little more than usual, but not exessively. I have been going to therapy once per month, and have kept playing pool/reading/working on myself to keep busy. I believe maintaining these behaviors has helped keep gambling out of my life.

It is a real shame though, that sometimes people that are supposed to support you and be there for you let you down.
... In my case, just before the sun is rising in my life.

I wonder, is this something that happens regularly to people who are in recovery? are their loved ones addicted to the drama of the addiction, and become bored when person is in recovery?

I am proud of myself for making it this far, and feel like gambling has almost disappeared from my mind. This is a big change from when I look back to a year ago, it consumed my thoughts daily.

Well, on to next goal 1.5 years and hopefully in a better place emotionally and physically.