NOT A DIARY TYPE OF PERSON!!!!

Great start… Everyday is day 1, you just need to accumulate everyone of them!

I wasn’t really a diary person but it is very therapeutic for me, I’m checking off day 1 of 617 days today and I’ve found peace with the beast of gambling and see it for what it really is.

Life is the winner not the pitfalls of money & gambling. We need to work for what we want and being gambling free is no different, we need to work for that and want that.

Well done for speaking out and hope your journey continues just as you have started here!

Speak again soon

Dear @sean121,

Well done on coming on here and starting a recovery diary.  I know you mentioned not being a ‘diary person’ but you have taken a huge step taking yourself out of your comfort zone, sometimes change requires us do this. Glad you are considering putting blocks in place, it can be a helpful tool in recovery. Wishing all the best in your recovery and continue to share journey. Hope you receive the support and encouragement you need.

Could I suggest you contact one of our advisors on our helpline 0808 820 133 or Livechat. They can offer you some support and even get you referred for some free 1:1 help where you can discuss a relapse prevention plan, develop coping skills and your relationship with gambling.

Best wishes,

Vanessa 

Forum Admin

Not everyone here likes writing those diary notes as they are filled with negatives but it can be really good to get something down on paper so that you can remind yourself where you are heading. We relapse because we forget ourselves and we also get conditioned by the world around us that wants us to continue to, relapse.  

Take the positive out of the negative and the negative out of the positive you will start to make some sense of this merry-go-round. It is important to be kind to yourself so remember that when you forget to remember or remember to forget. After all, we are just human.

Best

C

Thanks silly boy and c43h for your wise words. I think we can all hopefully give each other pointers and things that’s helped us so we can have the best chance of been gf.

Well day 1 is coming to an end, fortunately I haven’t dug a deeper whole than I’m already in. I have managed to lose around 6-7 thousand pound in the last 12 months, constantly battling to stop but 2 or max 3 months is all I could do and as soon as I have some disposable income and all of a sudden I’m gambling again. Loads of temptation as we all know, tv scrolling down your phone it’s i. Our faces 24/7. Yesterday I spend money that I was supposed to send my partner for the bills, first time I have done this with my current gf of 3 years! She doesn’t know about my addiction as I have previous bad experience of letting my past partner know. Weather that’s right or wrong hopefully I can go in the right direction so I won’t have to face that path. I’m gonna spend the next 4 months paying off borrowed money! Try to work hard spend time with family and look forward to Christmas. I know it gets easier the longer you go so I need to have blocks in place. I have snapped my debit card and paid all money onto my credit card which I will use as I can’t gamble with this. I have blocked online gambling but have been sending money to my friend so I have deleted him from my payees and anyone else I could persuade to bet for me and destroyed my card reader. Need to take one day at a time but try and start enjoying the life I have and appreciate it. Took my daughter to school today for her first day at secondary school! Such a nice moment but I looked at her feeling guilty that I could have done so much more for her so she would have more security when she’s older and spent more time with her than gambling. Well I can’t change the past so I have to try and change the future. It’s either that or carry on been this person I’m ashamed of. Today a few thoughts of gambling and high I quickly tried to dismiss. Onwards and upwards hoping to get through day 2 tomorrow. 

So day 2 today, Saturday which is hard for most of us. I have a day off today and instantly I’m having urges to go to the bookies I’m not self excluded from and maybe I can win all the money back I lost. I decided to come on here instead in the hope I will see sense, it’s like you have 2 brains, one that’s logical, sensible and is the real you. The other is so powerful you can’t control those thoughts and because those thoughts are for something we love doing we think about it and I’m all of a sudden having a conversation with myself as to weather I should or not. It might be fun but at the end of the day I will be in a deeper whole. Need to think about my family and be strong today and just take 1 day at a time. 

Well I’m back to day 1 after losing £200 on bets so close to winning big yet that’s always the case, just digging a deeper hole. I wish I could think rationally and enjoy my life. Gotta start again from scratch tomorrow 

Evening @sean121

I hope you’re ok? Not seen an entry from you so wanted to check in to see how you are doing? 

Remember you’re not alone 

Hi @sean121 / @forum-admin

I hope you’re ok Sean, not seen a new post from you but thinking about you and your story you’ve posted.

Hopefully speak to you soon..

Thanks for checking up @sillyboy1981 

I tried to quit kept going back but pleased to say I’m 16 days gamble free today ?. I did say I’m not a diary type of person so my posts might be here and there but I will try. Put more blocks in place and feel in a much better place now. It just shows never to take that first bet cos one we are in that spiralling out of control it’s so hard to get out of. Hope your doing well I. Your own journey and everyone on here trying to beat this. 

Quick update, I’m now 26 days gamble free! Still my heads a bit cloudy and still there is regret,  I’m holding on to something someone said on here that after about 3 months I will start to feel more myself and the future will look brighter. Thoughts about gambling have come into my head here and there, but I’m not in a position to act on them and decided not to. Hoping to get stronger as the days pass by and try and stay positive. I can cover my debts in a couple of months and things will start to look brighter. One day at a time. It’s the shame that’s the worst and the lost opportunities with family and time in spending working to get myself out of this small hole im in. Each day that passes though things are looking brighter and I’m on the right path for sure. 

Hi @sean121

Thats great news… All you can do is take it a day at a time, you will build your own Rome but you don’t have to do it alone!

You are always going to have the good and bad days but it’s great that you are acknowledging them and knowing they are there… Finding what triggers you have will be a good one to talk about as you’ll be able to put in place something to help you get through those awkward and low times and they again will get easier to see and work through.

You’re doing great so remember that.. 

speak again soon

Well today I’m 33 days gf, future looks a tad brighter yet I’m aware how easy things are to go back to the hell I was in 5 weeks ago. I think one of the things that affects me when having relapse is my thought process that it’s impossible to stop so why try. I have always thought about all the friends both past and present who gambled, and they all still do to this day. So I assumed the percentage of gamblers that quit for the rest of there life and live a normal happy life is probably extremely low. I’m not sure weather it is or not but everything is possible if we put our mind to it right. If i can do 33 days I can do lots of 33 days combined surely? Urges I’m getting are a lot less frequent, I still have thoughts of betting butane winning money, maybe the longer time goes on these will fade especially as my situation becomes better and my free time consumed with positive things. My mind will hopefully become clear. 

Quick update, 44 days gamble fee now. Thoughts becoming less frequent but sometimes they are there, cannot act upon them as I have blocks in place and low access to money which if needed. I will be paid one week tomorrow including a good bonus from work. Worked extremely hard all month to pay off some of the money I owe which I will do when I get paid. Of course it’s an opportunity for me to gamble as I could take money out and travel to where I’m not excluded from for example. I know all to well as I have done this too many times. Thoughts start creeping in thinking if I can just win this I will need okay again. I only have 5 months left of my plan to pay off credit cards and replace the savings money before my partner finds out. I will be able to replace that in 5 weeks time so that will be a huge relief as I feel like I’m treading on egg shells if she checked our savings account. Then a few months after I will her able to pay off credit card debt. This is the price I have to pay for all that stupidity but I will get there in the end. Constantly anxious about money and worry about it all the time, I know gambling won’t fix that, hard work and staying gamble free will. I need to remember I have come a long way and that gradually my situation will improve. Hope everyone is doing well with there own recoveries. 

7 weeks gamble free today, still worried about money and anxious about things. I watched the United game today against spurs and enjoyed it without thinking about the betting part for the first time in a while. The thoughts still come and go but I’m making it hard to act upon them so when payday comes around in 4 days I need to sort my money out so it’s not instantly accessible and maybe I will treat the kids to a day out to help me realise that I’m on the right road. Much better they enjoy themselves to a day at at A theme park which might cost me £130. I would lose that in seconds without thinking about it before. Why do I feel guilty spending money on normal things and feel like I want to win it back. Need to carry on to 90 days as I know then I will feel a bit better and will be in a better financial position. I put myself in all this debt so I have to work hard and pay it off before I can see light at the end of the tunnel. Crazy how we lose thousands in days then spend months and months working every hour to put things right. I need to remember that when I get back to a better place. Anyway 7 weeks I should try see the positives. I didn’t bet, I didn’t do that horrible thing that drives me crazy. Onwards and upwards.