I thought I would make a real change after my first post on the intro a week ago Sunday. Yet here I am again, starting my diary, mascara all over my face, dinner abandoned, and wondering how on earth I got here.
I'm not on day 1 yet. But will give a quick recap of the week and will put every bit of strength I have into making tomorrow day 1.
Last week was better. A couple of GF days, except I kept logging in to one account for a free scratch each day. But wasn't depositing. Still feeding the daily impulse though so not helpful at all in hindsight
My problem began with matched betting. I have self excluded my accounts and then started matched betting in my partner's name. I tried to self exclude his name last week but failed verification. I'm so reluctant to self exclude now because in my mind self excluding means no gambling (great) but also no matched betting (I.e. no making any money back, horrendous in my head). I'm in a massive tug of war over this.
Did a couple of chat sessions at the end of the week and felt pretty in control. Had a small flutter of ВЈ5 on Friday, nothing drastic. Saturday started matched betting again. Felt good that I was doing something positive, no slots just the sports which I have no interest in. ВЈ30 up turned into £110 down by Sunday.
Even found myself spinning before work this morning. Come home tonight, ВЈ50 up. I'd broken even and a bit more so got that buzz. Except this was only from Saturday's incident, and not even touching the ВЈ6k from the last few months. Surprise shock horror...£120 down within minutes. I was eating dinner whilst on the slots (not even my usual slot as I find i go into panic mode and start going on anything) and ended up being sick half way through with the stress.
Partner furious but even he doesn't want to phone gamstop to do the exclusion as he's embarassed. The card i have in his name keeps phoning him asking if transactions are real. It all feels such a complete mess. I don't have enough in my account for our rent this month, so going to have to transfer more out of the house deposit ISA. I'm lucky I still have some in there, but have lost 75% of it now.
I feel completely trapped. I'm seeing this ridiculous green man from my favourite slot as I lie in bed or sit at my desk at work. I laughed at my partner playing a cartoon game on his phone earlier. His costs him nothing though, so who's the real mug....
Most of my upset is from the loss of money and the guilt. I am hopeless at keeping secrets, so keeping it from parents and work colleagues who I normally chat so openly with is eating away at me. Neither party can know, but it sort of feels like I'm leading a double life. The compulsive destructive gambler at home, the in control sensible career girl to the outside world. I know it's only going to get worse unless I get gamstop in place as I'll be on here saying i lost all the house deposit and the double lives will become muddied as time goes on.
I know what I have to do. I've just got to do it.
S x
Stacey thank you for your kind words and support when I know you are going through such a tough time right now.
That's a good idea about the cards, thank you. I'm terrified that I'm heading towards losing everything as you are right I clearly cannot stop myself. It's like the addiction possesses me for several hours a day, and is always lurking in the background anyway. Just want to be free of it.
Take care x
It's so sad and frustrating what we end up doing to ourselves. It makes no sense, we are fully aware of what is important to us, and yet gambling overrides it all. My card got declined a couple of months ago in the supermarket the day after pay day. I had been depositing via PayPal and there's a few days delay on the payments going through so it doesn't feel real at the time. £2k left my account in a day and I was ill all weekend as a result. I just have to keep thinking back to how it feels though (happened more than once - my accounts been a mess since summer) and what it would be like to see my savings go to zero, then who knows what I would do to fund the addiction.
Will definitely try and sort the new bank cards, thank you x
Hi Stacey, had the gambling hangover today and felt rubbish. I made it to yoga this evening and just home fighting the urge, so come on here instead for a read.
How are you today x
Day 1...made it to yoga for the first time this year. But gambling did pop into my head several times, the guilt, the worry, wanting to deposit, will I manage not to when I get home.
Home and fighting the urge - I've got one of my ill informed hunches that I might win it back tonight. I have had so many emails and texts come through today, I did 10 free spins so not sure I can call this day 1 again. But I haven't deposited.
I made the decision to confide in a trusted friend and colleague today. This helped me for 2 reasons: relieving myself of the secret burden I've been carrying at work, and removing the detachment from the double lives referred to in my diary post last night. I have a gambling problem, it is part of me and it's up to me to remedy it. We talked through some practical strategies to put in place which she wants to help with.
That’s good news. Well done on your resolve! I haven't been able to talk to anyone. Just juggling everything constantly... I had a relapse after 19 days last time because 'free spins' led to more...
Thanks Lil. I've chased losses from free spins before, it wasn't even my money in the first place!!
Crazy isn't it!
It still sounds like you are struggling with separating gambling and matched betting
Matched betting is not a money making scheme its tolerated by the operators because they know it leads to situations like yours
If theres one thing ive learnt over the years its that you cant gamble your way out of a mess
Gambling at the very best of times takes extreme discipline and strategy ……if you are desperate or chasing losses its impossible to stay level headed and win anything this is why casinos are so successful
I was watching youtube last night and a guy on there has made a channel in where he records all of his gambling and uploads the videos
He was saying last year he made a net loss of 32 grand ….. and he had made over 2 thousand pounds worth of deposits this year , we are only 2 weeks into it
He fully believes though that this year he will win it all back and more
Who knows maybe he will …….but 34 grand is a lot of money out of anyones pocket and equates to an annual salary of roughly 50K before tax
When you put it in context that money would probably be enough to sustain a family of 4 on a moderate budget for a whole year
this guy is using it to play online slot games
a stark warning of how badly gambling can warp your mind
We are available 24 hours a day, every day of the year. You can also contact us for free on 0808 80 20 133. If you would like to find out more about the service before you start, including information on confidentiality, please click below. Call recordings and chat transcripts are saved for 28 days for quality assurance.
