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New me started 5th June 2020  

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Kevthekev40
(@kevthekev40)

I believe you can do it as we can get there we're we go5 the straight road great but even if we go5 round the block things have got to get better having comments putting you down and being sarcastic is no good to anyone, we've made our mistakes we're not the first and we definitely won't be the last I'm sat upstairs in my bedroom for yet another night as at the moment I can't do anything right,  but I  Am I'm not gambling I'm doing no wrong and I've got help involved aswell as organizations to try and sort everything out. I know I was in the wrong but I can't change the past I can only go forward doing my best not gamble and seek help even if that's just talking we can only be more determined and strong 

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Posted : 12th June 2020 9:29 pm
T-Positive
(@t-positive)

Hi Charlie,

Thanks for your comment on my diary - I look forward to following your journey and hopefully watching you succeed. It sounds like you've had a real tough time this past week, I can only just imagine that feeling of waking up and being asked that question last week. It's good it's all out in the open though. Certainly sounds like things are a little more positive these past couple days so I hope that continues. Posting here is definitely a big help I think so please keep it up! 

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Posted : 12th June 2020 9:46 pm
Charlieboy
(@charlieboy)

My husband always goes to bed about 6pm every night 7o'clock late one for him !! My son 15 so obvs online with his mates where he should be. Nighttime in the PAST gambling time for me but not anymore day 8 night off to bed . Did I think about gambling...... Yes . Did I gamble.... NO yeyyyyy me . 8 nights in a row on my own basically no gambling I'm chuffed. Tough road ahead but keep on trucking !!

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Posted : 12th June 2020 11:29 pm
Charlieboy
(@charlieboy)

Day 9 ....... Wow I'm so chuffed.

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Posted : 13th June 2020 8:08 am
freda
(@freda)

hi Charlie,

thanks so much for your kind words on my diary. I am just reading through a few diaries, to try and focus on something else.

You are doing really well and I can see that it must be difficult to have to be sorry all the time when there were already problems in your relationship. I know when my gambling took hold the second time, I was trying to escape my feelings of loneliness within my marriage. It can often be a way of coping when something isn't right at home. In recovery, you end up learning about the things that trigger you. For most people it's a coping mechanism and escapism.

Keep talking and accessing help.

f x

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Posted : 13th June 2020 12:24 pm
Charlieboy
(@charlieboy)

Hi diary. Day 10 today first ARA  phone appt tomorrow and I'm looking forward to it ! There's a lot I want to say my husband is taking our son out for a few hours so I will have the opportunity to talk frankly. Son is15 if he's picked up on anything he hasn't said. I need to be stronger and gain professional help for a while before I decide if I speak to him about it. Husband going through bank account today so bad hundreds of transactions for gambling sites took my breath away. 10 days in head a little clearer !! Confronting demons is scary still last transaction for gambling 4th June thankfully I have blocks in place and double thankfully I don't have a card I could use myself. So lots of positivity and panic attack didn't escalate so ty for that

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Posted : 14th June 2020 1:38 pm
Charlieboy
(@charlieboy)

Hey.Day 11 first ARA  appt went well only had one crying for and that was when we spoke about my son. My husband actually asked me how it went opened up a good talk for us. I said that I know I've hurt him but that I never meant to got caught up in a very vicious cycle of self destruction but now my eyes are open and through coming on here I appreciate the full evilness of gambling addiction. I know the destruction I have caused and I know that he is still angry and I get that ....... However we have to move forward and I'm doing everything I can to do that he's either going to help or not I can't do the not speaking the sarcastic comments anymore. I told him doing what he's doing is not going to make me feel anymore guilty than I already do. I feel guilty enough to cover the world and it's eating me up !! The counsellor said today to move on from things that will stall my recovery including me beating myself up 24/7 so that is my promise to MYSELF. I've told him a good start would just to be friends because atm I can't offer anything else !!

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Posted : 15th June 2020 6:32 pm
Charlieboy
(@charlieboy)

Wow day 12 how awesome!

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Posted : 16th June 2020 8:50 am
got2bdone
(@got2bdone)

Keep up the good work! Glad you're enjoying the freedom from addiction even a this stage and sounds like you have a real determination to quit and make this work, which is great to see!

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Posted : 16th June 2020 9:42 am
Charlieboy
(@charlieboy)

Ty @gottobedone I am finding grit and determination and enjoying the mind clarity that comes from not gambling.But be sure I'm under no illusions whatsoever that I'll have good days bad days and v bad days. My hope is that I have the blocks in place my husband has full control of the finances that I have enough space to get a lot better before I get a big tester. The bingo halls will reopen and that is where it started 20 years ago and has been a bit part of my social life....... I've spent days trying to convince myself it will be ok to go ..... I can keep control...... I don't drink I don't smoke I deserve some fun....... One of my best friends is an alcoholic would I encourage her to drink.....hell no of course I wouldn't. I can't go to bingo I'm an addict !!...... That's so hard to say but I know in my heart it's true. So...... My quest is to look for something else I can do that is safe something for me.My recovery is new so I'm not pushing myself into anything no stress just heal . By the time my son becomes a man I want to be able to hold my head up high

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Posted : 16th June 2020 4:02 pm
Charlieboy
(@charlieboy)

Day 13. I feel good about not gambling. Ordered a book yesterday about addiction I'm ready to start discovering a bit more about myself. Not feeling as fragile as I did  so ready to dig a bit deeper!!

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Posted : 17th June 2020 10:11 am
got2bdone
(@got2bdone)

Hey Charlie,

 

Which books did you order out of interest. I ordered this one but I'm open to more if anyone has any recommendations.

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Rewired-Bold-Approach-Addiction-Recovery/dp/1578265657

 

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Posted : 17th June 2020 1:19 pm
Charlieboy
(@charlieboy)

Lol that's the one I ordered ! Can't wait for it to come

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Posted : 17th June 2020 1:31 pm
Charlieboy
(@charlieboy)

Hey day 14 today that's 2 whole week's wow haven't been that long without gambling several years. Haven't had the best of days though husband been in a foul mood and I've struggled not to try to make him happy and fail which was always a trigger for me. If it sounds like I'm blaming him I'm not I'm the addict and maybe the time is fast approaching that I'm going to have to make some hard decisions about my future I've been living on the edge for a few years now beating myself up constantly. Time to stop time to heal so I can move forward for me and my son . Not rushing any decisions though I'm going to stay gamble free have the counselling see what happens.

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Posted : 18th June 2020 11:14 pm
Charlieboy
(@charlieboy)

Day 15. Better day today. But test coming up my husband goes back to work sun morningback  Fri night. I do feel the time apart will be good for us some space. Just me my son and the two dogs. I know my husband is worried I'll gamble with him not being here . Can't tell him much less likely to want to !! Not strong enough yet to tell him that.

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Posted : 19th June 2020 11:33 pm
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