New me started 5th June 2020

150 days. Brilliant achievement & long may it continue 

Dear @charlieboy,

First - huge congratulations on 150 days gamble free! You have been working so hard and with so much conviction and dedication, I am so pleased to see you doing so well.

Second - this conviction and dedication also strengthened your self-esteem and sense of self-worth and it sounds like you are stronger within yourself. It sounds like this strength has raised your tolerance for stress and what is going on around you. You have shared before that things are not very easy at home, so it is all the more wonderful to hear that you are not only coping but thriving in a way.

Please keep sharing, your journey is an inspiration to many.

Wishing you all the very best,

Eva

Forum Admin

Congratulations Charlieboy on your excellent progress.

??? 150 Days Gamble Free ??? and ready to rock n roll.

I tip my hat, raise my glass and salute a courageous and honourable gamcare warrioress.

Best wishes and respect

From your humble servant Aum x x x 

And us ducks ??? Quack Quack Quack

Th craig....how are you doing? Ty aum and once again you made me smile ????(still no ducks) !! Ty Eva and everyone in admin for your support. Yes you found the right words self esteem, self worth and I have not felt this for a long long time. When I first started this journey I was 'hoping ' that I was going to be ok and get through, now 'I know that' with continued commitment to recovery ' I will ' be ok and move forward. And I'm keeping an open mind about my future, it's not set in stone and I no longer feel trapped. Apart from my own mental health , I'm thinking about my son he's a very grounded boy and I hope that by being open and honest about my failings can help him to develop into a well rounded young man. As part of my commitment to recovery is my commitment to attending GA and posting on this forum I think it's v important

Dear diary, I have somewhat neglected you but I have been posting on diaries and reading and reading because is it just me thinking it or has there been loads of new people posting? I have a horrible feeling that what we see on here is the tip of the iceberg , but like we talk about in GA try to help, give advice/ support, friendship but do not let it affect you and your recovery. At one stage I felt a little overwhelmed by some things that I read but I was reminded about the " serenity prayer" and I now try to keep that in mind. Gambling is getting further away from my mind and I'm definitely finding an inner strength and purpose. When we have a little more optimism around covid I'm going to look at something voluntary I can do put something back into our community

Day 160 today. Despite covid I go forward with an optimism and love of life that I haven't felt in a long long time. That crazy,wired, all consuming feeling has gone but I keep it tucked away in my mind as a reminder, I think it's healthy to have that reminder to visit on bad days just to give you that" I'm not going back there" feeling

Hello Charlieboy, 

Well done for 160 days gamble free that is brilliant. I'm so glad you are feeling happier and enjoying life more. Isn't it just great.

You should be very proud of yourself and thanks again for your input into my diary it's appreciated.

Best wishes,

Toad

Day 178, just looked at my title if I was going to change it I would put ' old me restarted 5th june' as I'm really starting to feel mentally as I did years ago. The other day my husband said he knows I'm sorry and wants us to move forward but that he doesn't know if he can forgive me. A few months ago I would have cried begged for forgiveness instead I said ' I really don't need your forgiveness to move forward ' I told him I understand how he feels but that I'm not going to let it affect me as I'm confident im doing the right things, I'll always be sorry but I'm never going to beg for forgiveness again. While on a roll I also said that in our 20 + years together if he thought that he had never made big mistakes that I had to find it in me to forgive him for he was sadly mistaken. The problem is is that for him the very worst thing that I could do is compromise our finances and there in lies the problem with what I've done. So we move on, once we as a country are on top of covid I'm looking for new things to do.....I'm also giving serious thought to volunteering maybe Samaritans ?? We will see. Once again I continue to feel humbled and moved by people's plight with gambling, twice this week I've seen problem gambling on the main news frightening statistics of the growth in gambling harm....is the worm turning ....we will see.

Hi Charlieboy, another great post from you. I know what you mean about forgiveness as I have been thinking about this recently. I don't think what I have done will ever be forgiven, more lived with, and that is how we will go forward for now. Maybe as the horror of finding out what I did gets further into the past the understanding of what I , like you, went through to get to that point will be better understood which may lead eventually to some kind of forgiveness. Life is so much on  hold for everyone right now but hopefully if this vaccine works we can all get back to doing the "normal" things in life next year.

 It's great to see how your life has changed for you personally and no matter how those close to you are reacting the determination in you is clear to see. You would be good at something like samaritans from what I have read in your posts and you are always so supportive of others. 

I'm still going strong 8 days behind you and honestly can't believe we are approaching 6 months gamble free.

Take care and all the best as always

Congratulations  Charlieboy  on 180 Days Gamble Free ??‍♀️?.

I will not write a silly rhyme or expand on your fine attributes because nothing I could say would capture the essence of a delightful lady such as yourself and I would not wish to distract from your inspirational qualities.

I could talk about your courage, integrity and and resilience but not without mentioning your wonderful sense of humour,compassion and understanding.

To some extent you are a private individual and although you do not write excessively on your own diary, you are always open and honest with regards to your own recovery and your serene presence is often to be found in the diaries of others where you offer practical advice and encouragement to your fellow travellers.

In my mind you are:

A Gamcare Warrioress First Class

And

A Heroine of the Highest Order 

And

I feel honoured and privileged to walk by your side.

Best wishes for a great Decenber.

Stephen x x x 

And us ducks ?quack?quack?quack 

Hi Charlieboy,

Firstly thanks for your posts and a laugh few days ago!..i so needed it at a time and you somehow, telepathically knew it!

Secondly...well done on your g free time!Thats really amazing achievement ?..be proud of every single day, your thought process is changing and you're getting stronger indeed! Keep up good work

Thirdly...volunteering...hmmm, Samaritans is good choice but im aware Shout organisation also taking volunteers on. Its text message service...Downside here, they require nightshift volunteers so not sure how this would work with you..either way, the thought that counts huh ??..blessed be for wanting to help out others!

Sending hugs, good wishes and congrats to you..also woofs to lil fur friends...from me and Bella ??

Take care

S&B xx

Thank you for your support yesterday ?. Not sure if it was a bit of a breakdown i went through..netherless, i am pushing through whatever that was!

Hope you're having a good day and being kind to you.

Getting Xmas tree tom..keep your fingers crossed for me it will still stand on Tuesday folowing Bella's approval of it ?

Hugs

S&B xx

Dear diary, following on from S&B I'm posting on others diaries and forgetting my own. I think that's a good thing I'm definitely not becoming complacent ...no way....barriers firmly up !!  but I'm not hurting as much I'm enjoying reading on here and posting for others and I'm not feeling the need to pour my heart out any more. GA tonight so if I do have something on my mind I'm preferring to speak about it, than write. Well actually a little over 6months gamble free looking forward to Christmas not stressing about money last year I was so bad I put Christmas on the credit card as id gambled the money that's a sobering thought. So this yearstill paying credit card back but presents being paid for up front and credit card coming down each month, it will never be in my hands again !! Money/ gambling all poison in my hands I've accepted that now and it's working I get given the card to go out shopping etc I return it when I get home I keep receipts my husband is able to check online and ask me about transactions etc he does occasionally but I'm grateful actually for the limited responsibility. So all in all positive I do get tested obviously but my blocks are firm and most of the time I'm easily distracted from unwanted thoughts and as I said earlier any problems get talked through at GA . Best wishes to all my Gamcare friends and strength and positivity to all who are struggling

Day 195, fibromyalgia really bad last few days previously this would have sent me off on a binge. Let's just say had a few thoughts last few days but just thoughts and very grateful for strong barriers giving me strength to deal with the pain im in without gambling. It actually makes me more determined !! I'm so grateful for recovery Christmas is coming and been able to get presents without the panic of previous years. Last few years everyone had nice presents but no one knew that was all heaped on credit cards, this year is so different and I'm extremely grateful. So lots of positives I'm smiling full of Christmas spirit !!

Dearest Charlieboy.

In my eyes, you are a magnificent star illuminating the gamcare highway and this wise man from the north east is tracking your progress with a sense of wonderment and pride.

Read your last post with interest and this is what I think:

Tasty snacks, presents and succulent meals may bring great joy to your loved ones at Christmas but the one gift they will value above all else is spending quality time with you.

They can go overland thru Europe

Or cruise the worlds seven seas

But they'll never meet no one like Charlieboy 

For she is just the bee's knees

? ? ?

?quack?quack?quack

Om ah hum? Om ah hum ?Om ah hum