Been thinking alot today, about my family, my kids, my life, my gambling , pretty much everything and how different I wish things could of been. The only thing I don't regret about my life is having my kids. I love them with all my heart yet I don't feel like I've been the best mum to them that I could of been because of my mental health and recently my physical health. I've struggled with my mental health for years, and despite trying all different types of tablets, counselling, amongst a million other things, I don't feel better. So I've come to realise I don't think I ever will, I've suffered for years, this past year especially last few months have just been horrendous! I don't see myself as a victim,I never have, all I've ever wanted was to feel better, and be the mum I wanted to be. Not the one who wakes up everyday wishing she hadn't.
Gambling was s huge help to me, but also very distractive. It distracted me at really bad times when I was ready to just give up. I actually regret signing up to gamstop, even though I know I would of ended up losing everything if it had carried on. These past few days I've hit an all time low, were I struggle to even get through the next 5 minutes. I'm in constant pain, have terrible thoughts and really just can't cope with it all anymore. I'm lost. I've list my way in life, and I don't know if I will ever find my way again.
Gamcare has been amazing with me, so supportive, and I'm ever so greatfull for that, and for the support of other members who write on my diary and who support me in chat room. Chatroom is one thing that's helping me get through the evenings at the moment. Night time and day time is just pure hell.
So not been gambling online, managed to stop that, even though it was a massive distraction for me, I couldn't carry on, I knew that, and I've stopped. Got abit addicted to scratchcards and Facebook raffles, but I'm trying to stop them too. I'm finding it hard, but il stick with it.
I'm feeling really upset today. Just a horrible sense of doom lingering! I feel embarrassed now on here when people ask how I am, I can't lie and say I'm ok when I'm not, but Im also sick of having to admit how s**t I feel. I never get to say "today I'm feeling good" or "today I'm ok" or "today I'm coping pretty well", it's always the opposite. It's so difficult. To be honest, I'm quite sick of this life now.
Sun is shining today, apparently this weekend is the last of the nice weather before it changes. My partner's family..his mum dad sister brother niece and nephew are having a BBQ up the lake later, and they want us to go. My partner really wants to go, couple of the kids do, some of them don't, and I feel so sad that I can't go. It would be nice to get out of these 4 walls for abit, enjoy some sunshine and watch my kids have fun with there cousins but I can't go. I can't risk it due to my health problems and it's making me really upset today. I'm in pain and anxiety is through the roof. I want to go there with them to also keep them safe. I hate the kids being around water , and even though I know there safe with there dad, he does tend to take his eye of them when he's around his family and there chatting away, takes seconds to drown. We argued earlier as I don't want him to take them, but he wants to, and I know I can't stop him, but if I could just trust he would watch them properly I'd feel ok, but I know he will be too busy talking!! I wish I could go, or I wish I could take them to the park, take them for a walk, take them for a day out, simple things yet I can't do any of it. It's slowly destroying me. I just can't keep living like this. Some days, as much as I love them, I wish I didn't have kids , because then it would be so much easier for me to call a day on my life, not having to live like this and feel like this everyday is something I think about alot. I don't want to leave my kids, and it's making things so much harder. I've started Christmas shopping , but I'm having to do it all online, and have it delivered. Even when I was deep in depression, I enjoyed going to the shops to do Christmas shopping, now I'm having to do it all online. It's not the same. Every single day I feel so low. I have to find ways to hurt myself , because I need an outlet for my frustration at feeling so c**P mentally and physically. I know people will look at me and think, she has 5 beautiful kids, a roof over her head, a nice family, a hard working partner, she should be happy.! I think it myself, I don't understand why despite trying so hard to get out of this depression/ptsd ,I still feel the same. Why can't I just be happy 😭 my kids have always kept me strong, I've kept going when I've desperately wanted to give up, for them, but that's slowly slipping away. I'm thinking less and less about them when those horrible thoughts enter my head, it's scary.
When I was gambling, although I was getting in to trouble by making myself completely skint, it was a huge distraction for me. I would go online, deposit money, and the only thing I would think about is that, the slot machines turning, my bingo numbers coming up, the anticipation, excitement, nothing else mattered. Since signing up to gamstop and not being able to do that anymore, I've tried so many ways and different things to take me away from my pain, the mental pain, the physical pain, the struggle with my kids, yet nothing takes it away like gambling did. I started buying scratchcards and raffles on Facebook, it's not the same, and I've got abit addicted suprise suprise, but am now trying to stop them. It was never me who bought the scratchcards, if give my dad money or my partner and ask them to get me them, which they did. I've now had to tell them to say no to me. I don't want to waste money, if anything ever happens to me , I don't want to leave my partner skint and in debt. I'm finding it very hard, constant urges day and night, was so stupid to even start buying them in first place.
I can't sleep at night, my sleep is terrible, either takes me hours to actually fall asleep, or it will take me a while and then il constantly wake up. I don't have a decent sleep, and even on the rare occasion I do, I'm still utterly exhausted during the day. It's fatigue like I've never felt before.
I don't want to be alone at the moment, I get so tempted to do something, and I know I'm being selfish, but I don't expect any one to understand how I feel, everyone feels and copes differently, I've been struggling and battling for years and I'm now to tired to. My partner usually has 2 days off a week, next week he's only having one day off as there so busy, it's really got to me because his kids miss him when he's working, it's not there fault that his work is busy and they don't have enough staff, get some more in!! I want him home. I don't want to be alone. Looking after these kids is becoming harder and harder because of how I feel. And it's making me feel like a massive failure.
I don't know what to do anymore.