New diary for 2019... think I'm cured?

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(@Anonymous)
Posts: 0
 

Hi Lisa,

Reading your posts was almost like looking in a mirror.. a girl who thinks she is doing all the right things to help herself however is driving herself into the wall instead.

Long hours at work only contributes to financial side. However money cannot buy us time, health, peace. You're so young and have all your life in front of you, and it breaks my heart to read that you're trying to skip most amazing years of your life.

I can see that you're struggling to cope and this is exhaustion. Lack of rest will affect every part of your life, work included. Doing all those hours but bringing little joy to the work/home life.

Getting out of debt will not stop your addiction. As I found out myself, it only brought more excuses/ green flags to gamble. Disposable money huh. I guess addressing gambling itself is also as important as looking after yourself...or, let's say - vise versa.

You have so much potential ahead of you. Try and save as much energy as you can...even if that means to cut some hours down.

I work long hours too, round the clock which don't really benefit me financially yet. I can understand the feeling of letting your doggie down. I am the same, sometimes she has to stay on her own and most of the shifts I spend thinking if she is ok. I drag my feet through the door to a wagging tail but due to exhaustion (and mostly time of the day) I don't take her out for a walk. I let her out in the garden and go to bed. How many times i asked myself if I'm doing the right thing and would I be better off to give her away. Those thoughts breaks me even more. ..but unconditional love takes over and I find alternatives, and there are always options we can consider.

You need to be fit and well yourself..debt will go down, it may take time but it will eventually go.

Make the most out of what you have now. Youth, loving partner, doggie, friends. ...make time for them because time flies so quickly and I'm sure you don't want to look back and see only work on your sheet of life.

We all can make time, you choose what is best for you 🙂

Wish you well and please take the advice offered by great guys/gals on here

S&B xx

 
Posted : 6th March 2019 11:37 am
lisa92x
(@lisa92x)
Posts: 154
Topic starter
 

Hey guys,

Now I’m crying again haha, I know you are right, I am doing it to punish myself but also I want it out the way and paid off/gone as soon as possible so I can forgot about it so I don’t want to make the repayments take any longer than what they already are. I know I will never under any circumstances put myself in the position I have now again, I’ve no urge to gamble at all and I don’t think I ever will. I’ve taken all of your advice on board and today I paid off a £44 payday loan I had but I also bought myself a bacon roll and a coffee and went for a sun bed and haven’t left myself short of money or made myself feel any guilt about it!! I’ve also taken next Thursday/Friday off of work for my birthday and the following week I’ve taken the full weekend off from my second job - I need a break. I realised today that I hadn’t washed my hair since Saturday never mind sat and straightened or curled it for 40 mins and I had 2 spots on my face, I’ve not put any makeup on since Sunday!! Feels like I’ve lost myself. I feel so sorry for you S&B I know what you mean about a quick pee out the back and then bed, I end up walking my boy and then eating dinner at 10.30pm and going to bed at midnight, I could never ever give up my dog, I’d rather be skint and lose my car than lose him he’s my world. Anyway I am now in the bath sorting my hair etc out and then going to have food and hopefully a good sleep. Thanks xx

 
Posted : 6th March 2019 10:30 pm
(@Anonymous)
Posts: 0
 

Morning!

Bless you -you sound very determined and well done on paying pay day loan off!

I'm very pleased to read you have no urges and see no way of going back there again. That's the spirit! But please keep all the blocks in place, addiction has sneaky ways to try and get back in.

Hope refreshing bath & washing your hair mad e a huge difference in how you feel! Happier and smiling.

I just got back from work. Walking with one eye open but guess what - I took my gorgeous girl out for a walk! She is also my world like your boy. What animals brings to us is priceless huh :-)..I may sound absolutely terrible here but I find animals better than people...maybe the innocence, reliability, unconditional love,loyality and no judgement is a lot to do with that huh.

Give him a gentle pat on the head from me and my girl send Woofs over!

...& for me...yup....ZZZZZzzzzzzzzzz time!

Take care and keep making the right choice and winning for real!

S&B xx

 
Posted : 7th March 2019 9:59 am
Muststop123
(@muststop123)
Posts: 506
 

Hi Lisa

Hope you feeling better today.

Just read your thread and needed to say I think you are doing brilliantly, but….you have to start being kinder to yourself.

You messed up and got into a problem with gambling as many of us have but you are taking full responsibility for it and trying to resolve it financially. No one can ask any more of you, but it sounds like you are punishing yourself too much.

I know you want to repay the debts as quickly as possible, but would it really make much difference if you spread the payments over a slightly longer period to say December? This would give you more time with your boyfriend and dog and maybe even the occasional bacon roll. There is the school of thought that spreading the repayment of gambling debt actually helps as it keeps the reminder of the impact with you longer when you see the payments going out.

Whatever you decide to do, please just treat yourself better. We have all made poor decisions and behaved badly while we were gambling but this does not make us bad people who need to be punished.

Muststop123

 
Posted : 7th March 2019 10:38 am
lisa92x
(@lisa92x)
Posts: 154
Topic starter
 

Thanks for your messages everyone <3 , I will defintely keep the blocks in place just incase, I've done everything possible to stop myself from being able to gamble so should be fine that way, just recently found out you can block your bank cards being used on gambling sites so ive done that too - even though I go and take all my money apart from bill money out of my bank as soon as I get paid so that I cant actually use it anyway lol.
The other reason I want it all paid off is because we own our house and no one knows I have any debt, My credit rating should be squeaky clean but now its knackered and my boyfriend has mentioned moving to a bigger house at some point, that's not going to happen until my credit is clear which I know takes years after you finish these plans. I'm very worried about this as the law firm I work in does credit checks on us every 3-5 years. We bought our house at 21 years old, had saved up nearly £10,000 each so its crazy to see what i've done now.

I know what you're saying about punishing myself but I still have my car, house, food and if i need new clothes I will buy them (primark only for now) so i'm not going without essentials but the thought of wasting a penny now makes me feel sick 🙁

S&B i'm soo glad you got out for a walk today and still took the time to write to me, I appreciate it soo much. I'm finishing work early for a drs appointment today then taking my dog to the park and having a lazy night, can't wait!

I asked my mum where she wanted to go for mothers day and she has picked the carvary near where I live, its £4.25 a person bless her, she knows I don't make alot so won't let me treat her so I'm thinking about getting one of the groupon deals I have seen for afternoon tea for £21 for 2 people but will see how it goes.

xx

 
Posted : 7th March 2019 2:09 pm
(@Anonymous)
Posts: 0
 

Sounds like you are getting back on track. Try to stay positive and don’t worry too much about your credit rating. You cant go back in time and remove the issues only learn from them.

Sounds like a lovely treat for your mum and I’m sure she’ll enjoy that.

CJ.

 
Posted : 7th March 2019 6:54 pm
lisa92x
(@lisa92x)
Posts: 154
Topic starter
 

Thanks!! Today is 70 days without a raffle and over 200 days without any other online gambling woo. Got paid at 6 o’clock and took my cash out the back so I can’t do any raffles

 
Posted : 11th March 2019 6:24 pm
(@Anonymous)
Posts: 0
 

Hi Lisa,

Brilliant. Good work on trying to fight this battle. You appear to succeeding even though i know at times it is hard. 🙂

Well done on 70 days, and over 200 days.
CJ.

 
Posted : 11th March 2019 9:06 pm
lisa92x
(@lisa92x)
Posts: 154
Topic starter
 

Next week i’ll be on 100 days and couldn’t be happier. I have taken part in the work sweepstakes for the grand national and I’m not marking down my days for this because to me my problem had me stuck in bed crying with not a pot to P**s in after sitting up all night spinning away my wages, Constantly chasing my loses and even when I won big I was trying to win more and more!! This is £1 each and I’m hoping one of the teenagers win so they could go out and enjoy themselves, I’ve been working so much this last month I’ve got plenty of spare cash that I won’t be wasting, I’ve bought myself new clothes and some things for the house and as always I’ve taken my cash out the bank because you can never be too careful with this addiction no matter how well you think you’re doing - I know I can’t be trusted not to slip up and start Facebook gambling again. Honestly the past few months without It ive had such an amazing time, we went to England to the Lake District a few weeks ago in our campervan and in a couple of weeks I’m taking my boyfriend to airth castle for a overnight stay with dinner and breakfast, then the first weekend in May I’m away on holiday with my friends, I’ve been working a lot to pay for it but finally being able to actually spend my own money on this I want just feels so amazing.

I only have 1 payment left to make to my auntie, 3 bank loan payments and 4 payday loan is payments then I am freeeee 🙂 also have 4 direct debits of £60 left for a holiday I booked to cover up where all my money had went when I’d spun it all away on roulette - looking forward to going but this year has killed me trying to pay for it all and keep up with the lies, however it’s and changed me so much as a person and I’m grateful for that.

Anyway - it’s miserable weather today so making a bacon and cheese toastie, doing the cleaning then taking my dog for a long rainy walk so he can run riot and have the time of his life, then I have work 5pm - 3am tonight, not dreading it too much because it’s a day of the dead themed wedding and i’ll get plenty food and tips so no complains. It’s been 3 weeks without a day off so I’m really looking forward to the 19th of April for a full day off of work as I am pretty tired just now

 
Posted : 6th April 2019 9:29 am
lisa92x
(@lisa92x)
Posts: 154
Topic starter
 

Hey all

I just wanted to say thanks to everyone whos helped me on my journey. Its been about a year since i quit online gambling and 170 days since i quit facebook raffle gambling, no urges what so ever. I'm over the moon to say that MY DEBT IS GONE!! Apart from £50 a month towards pay day loan debt (about £800 left in total) this whole time i've been begging for another chance, swearing I will never put myself through this again and now something AMAZING has happened to me. my dad died when i was 7 and his family pushed me away and wanted nothing to do with me or my mum, now my dads mother has passed away under scottish law in legally entitled to £8000 of inheritance, Which i will be getting in November. I've already opened an account that I can put it into and cant touch without actually going into the bank but will also lock it in for a few years so I can't possibly touch it ( i think you get a good amount of interest by doing this?) Only thing is Im not 100% sure if i'm ready to trust myself with this much money yet? i mean look at what ive done to myself in the past. so will probably put my partners name on the account too so I can't get to it. we've been together 9 years since we were teenagers and have house together etc and hes very very sensible (knows nothing about the problems ive had as i knew he would end things with me if he found out and him and out wee dog are my life)  anyway when i receive the money i'm going to buy a new floor for downstairs in my house and a hand bag, take my mum for a spa day and dinner and that will be all i'm taking out of it apart from obviously paying off the last of my debt.  feel so grateful for this as I won't be working 60 -70 hours a week to have nothing anymore and aswell as having the savings i'll have £600-£700 a month left from my wages  to myself after my bills come out. I feel like I have my life back again, almost killing myself working non stop over this passed 18 months has been the most difficult thing that ive ever been through, I won't be going back to that place ever again.

 

 
Posted : 25th June 2019 2:23 pm
Aum
 Aum
(@aum)
Posts: 3947
 

Many thanks for visiting my diary Lisa. I am pleased to read that you are happy and still gamble free.

It is wonderful to see you getting it all together and rebuilding your life. You could have just given in but you fought back and that must have taken a lot of courage.

I am really pleased that you and your partner are still very much in love and wish you both happy days and wonderful adventures over the summer. I imagine he will have noticed the change over the last year and been worried about you and wondering what was wrong. It is a shame that you feel unable to share your pain with him but you know what is for the best. However, I think it is a great burden for you to carry alone and my heart truly goes out to you.

Take good care of yourself, don't do anything too rash and enjoy all the good things that a gamble free life has to offer. 

Stephen x 

 

This post was modified 5 years ago by Aum
 
Posted : 26th June 2019 8:17 am
Walliss77
(@walliss77)
Posts: 180
 

Hi Lisa92,

I just wanted to say congratulations on your on going journey of recovery. It's so great to read your posts, going from despair to a life full of fulfilment. You are young and have such a great life ahead of you if you continue to make the right choices. It's lovely to hear that you are going to use some of the money on your mum, house and of course yourself! 🙂 

 

Kind regards.

 
Posted : 26th June 2019 9:29 am
lisa92x
(@lisa92x)
Posts: 154
Topic starter
 

Hey all, I’m not sure who’s about... however I’m at 330 days gamble free and I’m actually crying writing this as everything is going so well, I’ve managed to pay off the debt I had left and I managed to get my payday loan companies to clear them all off over the past few months so I’ve saved about £500 as they just writ them off. I’m still waiting on my inheritance but believe it or not without wasting money gambling I’ve actually managed to get my flooring done and yesterday I went to the garage and bought myself a Mini Cooper sport convertible car I AM IN SHOCK, I mean yes it’s second hand, it’s probably going to be expensive to keep but as long as I keep being sensible I can defiantly afford it (I did get my mum and boyfriend to double check all the figures incase I was being unrealistic lol ) ... i trader in my old car and did have to take out some car finance, my credit rating is still damaged from the loans I took out for gambling however I did get a not too bad interest rate. I honestly can’t believe I have managed to come out of the horrible place I was in DEBT FREE and with money in my purse every day and I will be forever grateful to myself for pushing on and managing this:’( I’m still struggling not to be obsessed with money and I sometimes find months when I have very little left a bit easier to control which is really odd but when I have £40 left I say Ok that’s for food where as if I have £400 left I’ve no idea what to do with it. Anyway to get round this Ive been taking All of the cash out after I’ve paid my bills and putting it in our little safe box. I just leave a little bit in like £50 incase I need to pay anything unexpected out of my account, so i take cash out for the food shopping or to buy clothes/go out for dinner etc and the rest stays in the safe, I’ve managed to save up a fair bit by doing this. I’m terrified of relapsing but one day I will need to learn to trust myself having money in my account just unsure when that will be! When I get my inheritance I’m going to pay some of my new car off then sadly the rest will be locked away until I can trust myself. Life has never been better, this has been the toughest journey I have ever been on and I really would not wish it on my worst enemy, I hope all the friends I made on here over the past 2 years can make it out of the other side happy and well. The last thing I want to say is that I still wish gambling was illegal. The adverts for it on the radio and tv really upset me, I can’t bear to listen to them or see them without feeling uncomfortable so I reckon there’s still an issue there, Anyway I just really wanted to share my news and tell everyone to please please never give up... you can do it xxxx

 
Posted : 27th November 2019 12:16 am
Aum
 Aum
(@aum)
Posts: 3947
 

Congratulations Lisa on rebuilding your life. You have done so well and I am full of respect and admiration for all you have achieved. 

I was wondering in the summertime if you were out and about in the campervan at weekends and am pleased to learn that you have been happy and contented. The new car sounds amazing and I hope it gives you a lot of pleasure.

Take good care of yourself.

Stephen x 

 

 
Posted : 27th November 2019 10:59 pm
lisa92x
(@lisa92x)
Posts: 154
Topic starter
 

Trying to update here daily as I’m still struggling with managing money properly and with a new car and an inheritance due to me I don’t want to risk losing anything. It’s payday so time to stick to my routine of paying the bills and then taking all my cash out the bank so I can’t gamble on Facebook raffles, I had to remove all my friends from Facebook that are members of gambling groups a wee while back as they kept inviting me to join gambling groups. It annoys me that these things are illegal and Facebook is FULL of them and a lot of young girls are getting into debt because of them. I seen someone spending £15 on raffle tickets one day to try and win a £30 meal voucher, there’s no logic and it’s clear to see where addiction is forming in these people. I’ve seen people lose £300 a day on these pages and not have money for gas and electric and the worst thing about it is it’s their “friends” that they are playing with.

 
Posted : 29th November 2019 5:43 am
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