Support us

New beginnings  

Page 1 / 3
 
packer86
(@packer86)

Always wanted to kinda write a journal and keep coming back to it through the good and the bad.

I literally had about 3 hours sleep last night just continuous thoughts about how much money I'd just lost. I don't really know if I suffer with triggers or its its  boredom and easy to do on my phone. 

It's strange how I can bet on any sport and lose and be none flustered yet I bet on a casino and this mad rage and 10 minute rash happens and suddenly am £££'s down. 

I work as a support worker and it's pretty stressful at the moment and I've made myself feel alot worse!! I always find it tricky between punishing myself too hard but always wanting that fear inside of me to not want to gamble again.

Anyways the journey starts here and now totally gamble free 

Quote
Posted : 28th March 2020 8:12 pm
Howard12
(@howard12)

Again Packer, you have such an amazing Job, I was also a support worker working with people with learning disabilities, and am now a learning disability nurse, so my job is stressful also.

If you ever want to talk, do send a message to me if you want. 07485073503

This post was modified 2 months ago 2 times by Howard12
ReplyQuote
Posted : 28th March 2020 8:33 pm
S.A
 S.A
(@s-687)

Hi Packer,

I am a care support worker and iv'e always done similar type jobs. I often think that part of my gambling is a reaction to that. Cos its quite emotionally demanding isn't it? dealing with other peoples issues and behaviours?.. so when you leave work your looking for a bit of me time and something to distract you from the stress of it all... cue the gambling.

I also relate to the self-punishment thing. Nowadays it kicks in quite quickly once i start gambling. Its almost as if I want to get rid of the money just so the gambling can end and i can go home. Its a sick addiction. The only solution is not to start.

All the best in your journey

ReplyQuote
Posted : 28th March 2020 9:27 pm
packer86
(@packer86)

Thanks Howard I'll give you a message when it's a more sociable time haha. You both have amazing jobs especially at this time and the risks that we're all taking at the moment speaks volumes.

While the job is extremely stressful and times and it frizzles the brain out I'd be a bit of a liar to say that's one of the reasons why I am who I am. It could be part of the reason though. I think over the last 3-6 months it's just become such an obsession. It's really overtaken my life. While the stakes vary. Obviously the big wins are nice but I would say with me it's just become a cause of habit to do it and it's a cycle I need to get out ASAP

ReplyQuote
Posted : 29th March 2020 6:31 am
duncanmac
(@duncanmac)

Morning Parker 

welcome to the forum and a huge well done for finding the courage to want to stop.

for the compulsive gambler there’s a saying and I believe that it applies equally to every compulsive gambler whether they are punting thousands or rolling on a penny slot the principal followed is the same 

I cannot win because I cannot stop

no win is ever big enough and in truth those wins are paid back with interest.

 I ask you to ask yourself a question, if you had the funds would you be here seeking the ability to stop or would you still be at it??

 I know what my answer was for 25 years and more and the truth is that you will be in a very small minority if you believe that sports betting is something you are ok with because you are more than likely feeding your addiction/compulsion without knowing 

to take the example of an alcohol dependent person they may drink spirits as the quickest way to feed their dependency and if they stop consumption would it be ok to just stick to beer?? Of course not abstinence is the only way for them to get well

the compulsion to gamble is a progressive addiction it will take you to places you would never believe, I progressively got to a point where I destroyed a great deal of what I had before I truly sort help.

 I write on your thread because today I believe by sharing with you as a result the same might not happen to you 

it’s more than an obsession it’s an addiction 

I will leave you with this 

what is the definition of insanity 

to repeat something over and again and expect the outcome to differ 

albert Einstein wrote that and that would be the truth about my active gambling life

I wish you well, seek help wherever you can find it, there is a wealth of it out there

just for today 

Duncs 

ReplyQuote
Posted : 29th March 2020 8:29 am
Howard12
(@howard12)

What great advice from Duncs there, I hope this reassures you Packer, it certainly does for me.

 

Just message when ever you want Packer. We are in similar shoes here, I only stopped on Friday and have told my parents, I feel freedom, that's what I feel! Weight has been lifted from my shoulders.

 

 

ReplyQuote
Posted : 29th March 2020 10:25 am
packer86
(@packer86)

Thanks so much Dunc for your words and advice it actually really hit home on the sport betting well rather made me reassess and view it from a different perspective.

You're right it's like I'm going for the quick fix. Which I never actually thought of before. I'm perhaps lucky at the moment because will the virus is on it probably assists me in hopefully going cold turkey.

Over the years I've made up numerous excuses for what I'm doing but really I am just obsessed with it and actively looking to do it as much as possible. 

It's really ironic because where I work, I often complain how people don't appreciate the value of money and it's so ironic because in reality it is I who has no value of if it when I'm gambling online. I'm betting the maximum I can afford and at the end of the day it's just insane greed.

But no gambling since Friday night so that's not too bad.....onwards and upwards

ReplyQuote
Posted : 29th March 2020 6:48 pm
packer86
(@packer86)

I think during this whole lockdown situation days can sometimes drag out so I've started watching a programme that lasts for 7 series 😂😂 result!!

The day as a whole has not been that productive but in reality if this day happened 4-5 days ago I would of gambled. Which would of meant alot of anxiety combined with either some high or low moments. Today has just been a straight line day for my emotions

I'm not sure if this has to do with a result of my gambling but I've always found that I'm a person if high emotion. If I hit a real high I'm gonna come down on a major low. Over the past couple years I try to keep my emotions in check. In a strange way it makes people think I don't care but it's the exact opposite I care too much and want to please the people who are closest to me.

I was meant to be going on holiday in a few weeks which has obviously been cancelled. On a pure selfish viewpoint I could really do with that break at the moment. Really though I hope everyone who reads this is safe and sound with their loved ones. 

I've got one more day off before I go back in to work. In the midst of mixed emotion at the moment. I'm thinking alot about what I've done at the moment. To make a fresh start you need to let go of past but I feel I'm letting myself off the hook too easily 🥴🥴 bit confusing really......

ReplyQuote
Posted : 30th March 2020 6:52 pm
duncanmac
(@duncanmac)

Parker

fella your emotions will be all over the place because that’s how we live in our active gambling life is it not, death or glory the rollercoaster of extreme highs and extreme lows. Abstinence will bring a level playing fields, a fella who walked into my local GA room for the first time said what am I going to do for the buzz

A much wiser fellow than me replied 

buy a bee hive!!

have you put blocks into place to break the opportunity for you to have a punt

I believe that you can block all gambling Websites/ activity through something called gambloc, I gambled in person in the bookies which I have self excluded from every bookmakers within the radius of where I live by phoning the self exclusion service which is the first time since I have done so in my own journey and I am so pleased I did so 60 days ago after my last episode of gambling.

there is a triangle 

Time-money-location 

take at least one away and that next punt becomes impossible to place 

the result is you gift yourself a 100% pay rise 

fella enjoy the fact that you are winning by not gambling 

stay safe when you return to work 

enjoy your series 👍👍

just for today 

Duncs 

ReplyQuote
Posted : 30th March 2020 7:33 pm
packer86
(@packer86)

The blocks I have put in place Dunc are that I've done the blocker on my bank card from depositing on gambling websites, I've downloaded gamblock on my phone and excluded myself from online casinos. Hopefully I'm not able to manipulate my way out of that.

People always talk about the buzz of gambling and don't get me wrong I've had my buzzes but I never feel like I'm searching for that buzz. I'm 34 years old, been gambling half my life, at this moment in time gambling is just the norm and was just apart of my normal routine unfortunately.

Until the 14th April I literally have no money to gamble with so that will be s challenge once I get paid again.

I should have some kind of jar and out in it what I would be gambling....I'd make myself rich after a year 😂😂

Congrats on going 60 days gamble free Dunc. That's quite an achievement ☺️☺️

ReplyQuote
Posted : 30th March 2020 10:41 pm
duncanmac
(@duncanmac)

Parker

fella I have been around this forum since 2012 I have in that time relapsed three times, I have had agamble free day count to over a thousand days within those years but in truth the day count is meaningless unless they bring true change and I will admit to anyone that I didn’t create enough change and that is simply why I went back to feeding addiction.

pay day should be just like today, your desire to end the destruction should be the same, that’s why I write about putting as many blocks in place today as possible.

its often said that it takes 21 days to break a habit and the rest of your life to face addiction.

break the habits first, see how long you can keep your wages in the bank, if you don’t have someone else, a significant other who can look after your money then find alternative measures, if you gamble only online then withdraw all your money and just have cash.

do whatever it takes to arrest that fateful next punt.

you have 11 years on me and I will tell you this if you gamble for the next 11 years you may find yourself in the very dark places I have found myself.

fella I write because I simply don’t want another soul to get to that place 

I thought I had hit rock bottom in 2016 and I found myself further down the well in 2019 after another 2 years without a punt.

you can turn your life around, you can have a jar full of money 

you will need to find change and the desire to live without feeding addiction 

I am an addict, I will be for life, there’s no cure or medicine 

but and there’s a massive but I can put the word recovering before addict

please gift yourself the same 

just for today 

Duncs 

ReplyQuote
Posted : 31st March 2020 5:46 am
S.A
 S.A
(@s-687)

Hi packer,

As one compulsive gambler to another can i be devils advocate. When you say "excluded myself from online casino's" what does that mean? People write this all the time. The reason i ask is that i use to exclude myself from individual gambling sites on a regular basis BUT there is always another gambling site, always!

What you need to do is register with gamstop, if you haven't done so already, cos this will block you from 98% of gambling sites and the rest would be unregister sites and extremely dodgy to gamble on.

Gamblock is useful but then you could always get another device and the blocker on your bank card can most likely be removed or you can open a new bank account.

In short you are right, you could manipulate your way out of your self-imposed blocks quite easily. This is what i have done in the past, but hopefully not in the future. I would suggest tightening your barriers even further whilst you are motivated to do so and of course having no money to gamble with. The most effective barrier is not having access to the money in the first place.

As for day counts. I do find them quite motivational initially, but after a while they do lose there significance. As with Dunc's I have also done a 1000 days but then relapsed. Sometimes focussing on days gamble free is just another way to set one self up for a fall, sometimes.

By the way am in much the same situation as you. I have next to nothing money wise until pay day and stressing over many things as a result of my addiction. The coranavirus crisis will pass but the gambling is their for life and remains my number one challenge to overcome.

All the best and sorry if i have annoyed you with any of my thoughts. Not intended.

 

ReplyQuote
Posted : 31st March 2020 8:54 am
packer86
(@packer86)

I love the honesty from both of you Dunc and s.a 

I was a little lazy in my posting s.a and I couldn't think of the right term and gamstop is the one I signed up to so I can't gamble online and like you say the other sites that you could aren't truly legit anyways. Though I have gamblock about 12 years ago I found my way around it although that was on a computer. Now all I have is my phone so hopefully that's a little harder to crack.

You do make a good point though about putting barriers well more of them in place. While I won't have alot of excess money next month, I will have around £500 spare and could be more once I get my holiday refunded so I really do need to put that somewhere safe. It's probably going to have to be given to me dad for a while until I get myself in a better place. The last 3 days are the first time I've put in the effort of not gambling for about 12 years.

I guess with the day count it's each to there own I myself am not too fussed on it but sometimes I see it as a hindrance for a relapse, kind of makes things seem further away from what they actually are.

When I last spoke to my counselor I was discussing rock bottom and I was saying we never truly know when it is as we don't know what the future holds. For me it's just about holding onto that fear and having the motivation everyday to overcome thus and become a  better person.

S.a I love how honest and Frank you are. I much prefer that over too much praise etc etc

Packer

ReplyQuote
Posted : 31st March 2020 10:03 am
packer86
(@packer86)

When I look back on my life today will not be a memorable day however with everything going on at the moment in my love I've loved how peaceful and sedate it has been. People say alot of the time we gamble due to boredom but with all the anxiety that leads too. Give me boredom every single day if the week.

Tried to go in chat before but last about 5 mins before I got a phone call and with being in work next 3 days hopefully I can get in it more at the weekend and meet more people ☺️.

I don't really have that much to say today diary.........so with that being said hopefully I can update after work tomorrow

Packer

ReplyQuote
Posted : 31st March 2020 8:36 pm
packer86
(@packer86)

Just my luck today I am supporting the guy with symptoms of coronavirus 😂😂 you literally couldn't make it up. It was a pretty easy decision not to gamble after that piece of news at 8:00 this morning.

What I did realise today is I've got a bit of a temper of me 😂😂 similar to my rash 10 minutes of gambling, I had a rash 30 minutes this morning to my team leader and line manager. If nothing else they know they can't walk over me!! We now have PPE but they don't believe in self isolation. So today I've more than likely been exposed to it unfortunately.

I feel more optimistic on the gambling front, I think in part because I was kept busy or I had company. Last 2 days I've been alone with my thoughts and sometimes it they tend to wander to negative places. 

Just sitting waiting for my bus to get home. Should of learnt to drive. 

2 more days until a day off, not sure what's better work or time off?!? 

ReplyQuote
Posted : 1st April 2020 8:55 pm
Page 1 / 3
Share this page
Share
  
Working

Please Login or Register