New and Final Start

You should be honest with your wife.  Give her the money and control of the finances.  Shell be more annoyed by finding out in a couple of years.  

Good luck 🙂 

Hi,

Saying we'll never gamble again ain't recovery mate. Can i ask what's your perception of recovery ?. Is it telling a loved one " I'm gonna stop " i don't think so. The thing i find so remarkable in your post is not not what's in it but what's missing.

Not a mention of self exclusion, not a mention of handing financial control over. Let's hope you achieve your goal of stopping & meaning it, paying off cards 1 at a time & refraining from gambling in the meantime. Sorry if i'm offending you but have you ever considered true recovery. Recovery isn't racking up 25k in debt & kidding yourself you're gonna sort it within 24 months without your wife knowing anything about your SO CALLED  relapse.

Sometimes the truth can be a bitter pill to swallow, but if you sought help in 2009 and now have 25k in gambling debts you've never been in or understood recovery. Please tell me about YOUR  version of recovery. How many GA meetings have you attended ?, What counselling have you had ? and have you ever considered handing over financial control to someone who isn't addicted. If so how come you were able to access 25k for gambling. Look up Joydividers diary & start listening and absorbing sound advice & true understanding of addiction. Hope this frank post hasn't offended, i just want the best for you & your loved ones.

Best Wishes

AL

Going to be completely honest with you here and say that you are delusional,  in the same way I was.

the fact that you are still here in the hole 10 years after joining shows you haven’t accepted your position.

some context for you....

I joined in 2014 after getting into trouble,  got out of trouble,  never handed over finances etc.  Abstained for 2 years and started up again.  About 2 years ago I also got up to about £25k debt,  decided not to tell my wife and took out a loan.  Easy,  I was accepted I had an affordable payment and zero credit card interest.  

fast forward 6 months and I had a 25k loan and 25k on credit cards.

i am now 12 months away from being debt free and in the best place I have ever been in.  No stress,  no lying,  no having to pretend things are ok.

Unfortunately it won’t be a case of if you increase the debt it’ll be when.  Take it from experience, don’t lie to your wife,  she will find out and it will get worse,  give her your finances and accept you need help.  It might sound harsh but I’m trying to stop you from bigger problems which will happen if you don’t accept what is happening. 

good luck 

Dear @harry 33,

I'm sorry to hear of your struggles and the debt that you find yourself in, I'm glad that you've reached out to our Forum community so that we can all support, guide and help you with your recovery and your goal of clearing the debt.

I am concerned that you may not have any support network around you, this is a big burden for you to carry alone and to try to work through whilst keeping it a secret from your wife. Whilst we can't tell you what to do, we would always encourage you to be open and honest with your wife and anyone else around you that you feel you can trust. Although we can never predict what the consequences of opening will be, many people in similar situations feel a weight is instantly lifted from them once they share their secret and release the burden of their secret problem gambling.

There are different coping strategies that you may find useful such as self exclusion from any form of gambling that you access, a bank account such as Monzo that blocks gambling transactions and can restrict the daily amount that you're able to withdraw. Giving financial control over to a trusted loved one. Attending Gamblers Anonymous meetings or having a free referral made to one of our Treatment Partners or our head office depending on where you live for some form of support sessions with them.

Using our forum, chatroom, helpline and/or Netline to get support from your peers and our Frontline Team. 

These are just a few of the many things that we can suggest so that you can find what works for you and what you feel comfortable with. It would also be beneficial for you to call one of the below helplines so they can give you some advice and support with debt and any other financial matters that you may have.

Citizens Advice - https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk

Step Change - https://www.stepchange.org

Payplan - https://www.payplan.com

National Debt Line - https://www.nationaldebtline.org

It might help to discuss any changes to your mental health or any feelings of low mood with your GP, if you're unable to make an appointment then you can also call the NHS 111 number. They are able to give you medical advice and make urgent, out of hours appointments with a local GP if needed.

Overcoming problem gambling is a challenge but one which often begins with realisation, reflection and reaching out for support- all of which you have done today, so well done.

There is hope for the future becoming gamble and debt free, please let us help you on your journey.

You're not alone in this, we're here for you and you can call our Helpline on 0808 8020 133 or our Netline which you can access via our GamCare website. We're always open, day or night, if you would prefer a call back then please email your contact details to @gamcare.org.uk">Forum.Admin@gamcare.org.uk with a suitable date/day/time to call you and we will arrange this for you.

Take care and please be kind to yourself.

Kindest regards

Joanne

Forum Admin

All many thanks for your replies it is much appreciated. 

I know i should listen and act to it but at the moment I am either too scared or feel very vunreable to open up to my missus and all the possible outcomes, my kids are of an age know where they will understand the damage caused and i can't face the disappointed look on thier faces.

I relapsed just before Xmas on the 20th.  Another bout of ridiculuous betting, after getting out of jail so many times and vowing to stop i just continued until I walked out of the shop like a zombie walking in the rain with no direction.  It was the last day at work i should have been enjoying my self and happy but i felt worthless and like a piece of s**t. I never want to feel like that again !!

After putting on an act that everthing is ok over Xmas I am back at work today determined to face my demons and arrest this terrible addicttion i have - the nightmatres and self loathing feelings are slowly fading, i have made a vow to tackle my debt for the next 12 months and wherever i am then open up to my wife so Jan 2021 regardless of how much debt i have left i will tell my wife, i just can't tell her now with the figure so high.  I understand this may not be wise or achieveable but i will give it my best shot for my kids sake.

I will regularly update this diary from now and keep a log of my progress.  I wish everyone well in 2020 and hope no one minds if i copy some inspiring quotes or lines from diaries that i paste on mine to remind me of this addiction and help me in recovery.

Love to all.

19 days,

This weekend has been a horrible one, just could not make myself feel positive.  Family was concerned what the hell is wrong with me why am i so depressed, but i just said i was tired and made my excuses, this illness takes away everything from you.

I have been reflecting a lot on my life and how i could let this illness takeover most of my adult life, 24 years of living in the midst of this horrible addiction and not being able to beat it, in honesty i don't think i ever will or it is possible, i just need to ensure i never have that 1st bet or the means to have that 1st bet. How life could have been so different, continuously working for the last 20 years, should be in a comfertable position financially and able to enjoy and spoil my kids, but yet again im stuck worrying about how to pay bills and cover my track, ffss why do I keep doing this to myself ?

I have just had a very tricky conversation with my wife on the phone, she was being very positive thinking i have not relapsed since the last time she found out and that we should be happy that we are not in a financial mess that always occurs or she discovers every year around December.....little did she know i have done the same thing once again this year to the tune of £26k how can i possibly tell her i think it would break her and be the end of us.

Why ?  that is the question that is haunting me, why do i continue to put myself in this position after vowing to stop after every time i've been caught and given another chance, why do i continue to risk my familys financial security, why do i continue when i have some how mananged to save myself.  I know the answer is because i'm an addict and always will be.  i despreatley want to tell my wife but i fear the consequences and the fall out. 

I need to take it one day at a time and hope that if she does find out my debt is at a lower level than this.  I know i have promised this many times but i will give it my all.

Good luck to all out there

Day 20

Stay strong, having mild thoughts, still can't shake off the regret of last binge... think of the long term goal.

Happy family, no debt, no stress ...worth it,  DONT HAVE THE FIRST BET.

Just for today will not bet and do the best i can.

Harry

Day 21

Another day..taking it one day at a time.   I have had some thoughts of trying to somehow win all the money back and then stopping but i know this is not possible and is the addiction trying to lure me back.  Never listen to these thoughts.

Will try and learn more about addiction online and how the brain works so that I have all the tools in my box to help me fight this battle for the rest of my life.

Keep learning and trying to improve myself is the key for me, i have so much self-loathing for myself i probably need to learn to forgive myself and embrace recovery, its just that when the mood wings come they are hard to get out of.

Work is difficult and stressful but at least I have a job to try and repay my debts, need to just keep my head down and plug away, nothing will change overninght the debts will take time, but at least with every passing day i am not adding to it !

Went to a GA meeting and shared my story, was the only person who had relapsed recently so felt a bit low, however got a lot of support from the other members and they could relate to exactly what i was feeling and going through.... I need to use the support offered in these groups.

Harry

Day 22

I hope one day I login in and it says last bet ages ago like 2345 and counting.

I have been reflecting a lot on my life and how i have ended up in this position and felt it may be useful in my recovery to write things down to 1) remind myself where i have come from and 2) if it helps anyone else in their recovery.

So now aged 43 i have been trying to think of how i ever started gambling and i always thought it was my first on bet on the grand national that got me hooked, and in all honesty i think it was this the incident that gripped me in the gambling addiction, however looking back I realise that this was not my first ever bet.  My first ever bet was on the fruit machines after school, i remember collecting spare change and going to the arcades to play the machines and loving the experience of winning and the flashing lights and different features of the machines....  however i only played these for a few months then grew out of it. 

I think I was around 18  when I first had that regretable 1st bet, it was on the grand national and my first ever experience of walking into a bookies, I still recall it like it was yesterday, it was a small shop filled with people looking at form, chatting and i walked in not knowing how to write out a bet.  Someone soon showed me how to do it and i put a few bets on the grand national  £5e/w it was on a couple of horses... i still remember watching the race and feeling the buzz and excitement, one of my horses fell but the other was placed and i won £60 quid or something, I collected the winnings and walked out of the shop buzzing......that was it, I was hooked.

After that I think i would have a bet every week, small stakes and I still remember back then not being able to accept a lose and chasing if I lost... this continued through my Uni life, I had girlfriends and lots of friends and was quite a popular guy, but as my gambling continued and stakes increased i would ignore friends and girlfriends and they would wonder what was going on but i would not admit to gambling or that I had any problem. Often i cancelled meeting up with friends at the last minute after I had lost my last few quid.

I'll continue my story a bit later

Went through Uni like this, gradually my betting would increase and i was betting almost every day or every other day.  Didn't make much effort with friends or family as this would detract from my gambling time.

Fast forward 2 years, met my wife got married, stopped gambling for maybe six months or so but soon started again....can still remember my first time getting caught, betting slip in my trousers and the fall out of that, all the tears the shock but the relief I felt for getting caught was amazing, I vowed never to bet again after admitting I was in 15k of debt..we worked together to pay that off and finally being to save some money........but it was not long till I was at it again, the gambling getting worse with higher stakes and building up another significant amount of debt....again getting caught and not having the guts to admit I gambled and was in trouble.  This has been the pattern during the next 20 years or so with the gambling getting worse and worse... each time vowing to stop but now in hindsight realising that i actually did not know how to stop and didn't fully appreciate or accept that I was an addict !   My biggest mistake was that i thought I could stop this and be cured through willpower alone....  and I know realise that this is impossible for me at least.

I put my wife through much agony and heartache all these years after each lapse, in between we have 3 beautiful children who did not have a clue of their dad's terrible habit/addiction, but the eldest two have found out these last few years and it came as a big shock and dissapointment to them.  After building up my respect again I am yet in another position where i will put my family through terrible heartache and dissapointment when they find out i have been at it again... this is the worst feeling imaginable

Now as I type this I realise that I did not fully tackle my addiction in the right way, I always thought I could do this through will power and by myself but i am know totally convinced that this addiction can not be beaten through willpower alone, I need to rewire my brain and bring back a normal thought pattern and see this addiction for what it really is....even though i have once again screwed up I need to let go of the past and look forward to the future and how my life will be without gambling, however it will only be one day at a time. 

Day 28

Doesn't sound a lot, but my mind is in a much better place, am doing lots of reading and trying to understand the addiction better and improve my knowledge base in preparation for my life long challenge.

I am copying a phrase that I hope will help me in my recovery Journey and may be of help to anyone else too.

Our character, basically is a composite of our habits. "Sow a thought, reap an action, reap a habit; sow a habit, reap a character, reap a destiny"

Habits are powerful factors in our lives. Because they are consistent, often unconscious patterns, they constantly, daily, express our character and produce our effectiveness ...or ineffectiveness.

Another lovely nugget I found to help me;

There are two rules for living in harmony : 1) Don't sweat the small stuff  and 2) It's all small stuff

Brilliant

Harry,

please don’t just focus on the debt. That’s not recovery - it’s a symptom.

you need to focus on not gambling, being open and honest with your partner, and basically changing your life.

I too have debts, but i’ve come to realise the more I focus on them, the worse my recovery is.

i still chip away each month, but when I stopped, I thought it would take 3 years. That’s the delusional gambler mindset. That everything will be different with one big win or the debts paid off.

It will take at least twice that time for me -  but I will enjoy a close to normal life. A meal out with my wife, etc. 

I read once that to pay off the debt consistently over as long time as possible isn’t a bad idea. It’s a reminder of our past behaviour.

Ask yourself this, if you didn’t have the debts, would you have stopped gambling?

Day 42,

Weired thoughts and urges coming to my head, need to get these out quick time as any action always comes from a thought.  Need to read about addiction again, and remind myself its the addiction trying to talk to me. Tell it f***f ...don't want to be an addict anymore !

Change my thoughts, change my thoughts as thoughts become action