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Never ever again  

 
Tracey63
(@tracey63)

How many times have I to say this before I loose everything. This addiction has lost me everything that matters to me. Money is the only start of it. Borrowing from close family and friends to hide the depth of my problem. The guilt and shame of knowing I don't know when I will ever be able to pay them back. How do you cope with that guilt ??. I feel broken as my husband and children.  who have been supportive up till this last relapse have finally had enough. They know my gambling is connected to my mental health, but I just can't get them to understand why I need to escape into the lonely and destructive on line slots. They have destroyed my life. But this time no more. If it takes me to my.last breath I will beat this. I never ever want to feel like this again. So every block possible is in place. Have assesment on Thursday for counselling. Have started this diary in the hope it will help. Any advice on how to cope with the self loathing, guilt and shame would be much appreciated. 

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Posted : 16th August 2019 3:57 pm
Rituals
(@rituals)

Hi Tracey

I'm similar - I've borrowed and not paid back ... yet. I too feel the self loathe, embarrassment, shame and guilt. I turned to on-line slots and I'm in so much debt (took out loans as well to cover debts and spent them gambling). I reached a point where I just couldn't borrow anymore and this last gambling episode resulted in me losing all  my wages and I couldnt pay bills or housekeeping - think its the last straw for my husband - we're barely on speaking terms.

I joined this site and spoke to the helpline - they have helped me in advising me to put blocks in place and there is lots of support and advice given. You have your blocks in place which is great - I've still to do mine before pay day.

It so difficult but dont be hard on yourself. I say that as that is what I'm trying to do. By trying to fix what I have done. It is going to take me a very long time to get out of this but that doesn't matter. for me its the commitment to stop and deal with the fallout. Its only been a couple of weeks for me and Im dealing with creditors to come to agreements.

With family for me I think they are sick of me borrowing and not paying back so they dont lend me anymore thank goodness. I m in a financial mess but attacking it. 

Recognise your trigger times and do something else. Mine is at night-time before pay goes in bank - Blocks to be in place so I can't spend my wages and if i'm awake I'll read. For me - dealing with the fallout is worse than losing the money this time. 

I suppose if family can see I'm trying without just talking the talk I'm hoping the trust will come back. I want my life to be happy and it isn't at the moment. 

Keep posting - there's great advice. I love the fact that people don't judge here and I get encouraged by others who say ..have you put your blocks on yet ..... someone cares and is looking out for me... not judging .. just wanting to support the recovery ... someone who has been there.

Sorry for the ramble! 

Good luck and best wishes

ReplyQuote
Posted : 16th August 2019 7:45 pm
holycrosser
(@holycrosser)

There just comes a point in your life that you have to say ENOUGH.

The debt is there, we created it so we deal with it, draw up a plan , negotiation is key with creditors, get that in place and budget, stick to it.I read my diary back earlier on to myself and in those first few weeks the key to me was accepting that this is it, no more, I planned my money, days, work, recreation , it worked for me.

We have done stupid things, time to stop, take charge of the life you have and want to have a new one, gambling free.This is possible with patience and desire, go get it.

ReplyQuote
Posted : 17th August 2019 5:30 am
Tracey63
(@tracey63)

Thank you for the good advice. You are right need to get some structure in my life. Forward planning could help. Happy to say still haven't gambled.  Home life still very very strained but hopefully it will improve soon. This addiction is so hard to explain the harder I try the worse I seem to make things. Have initial assessment on Thursday for counselling which I know I need. So onwards and upwards and good luck to everyone in their journey to a gamble free life. 

ReplyQuote
Posted : 18th August 2019 4:58 pm
holycrosser
(@holycrosser)

Keep the diary,it helps .

ReplyQuote
Posted : 18th August 2019 7:41 pm
Joydivider
(@joydivider)

Hi Tracey63.

Th addiction sneers at those words "never again" because even said out loud they represent little threat or concern to the addiction.

I must have said them a thousand times or more until I was finally ready to stop.

When you a ready a born again moment will sweep over you. You will be ready to admit defeat and be honest about it. Then its about doing the right things to fight it with the help from others.

You have started this journey to recovery.

The next point is that it is one of the most powerful drug addictions. Its far less about the money. I was in effect shooting myself up in the vein. Gambling doesnt require a needle but its the same overall effect. It is linked to stress depression and feeling hopeless but its never the answer to those feelings. It only makes you far worse.

The slots are killing people and its way more than a national scandal. 

With the right measires in place and the right help you can make this history. However its mainly a serenity to know you have the knowledge and can never be complacent.

Best wishes from everyone on the forum

This post was modified 4 weeks ago 2 times by Joydivider
ReplyQuote
Posted : 19th August 2019 11:33 am
Tracey63
(@tracey63)

Thank you that was a great help. I suppose is have always thought I have a problem and I control this how wrong I was. You are so right I am an addict and have to remind myself of that each and every day if I am going to beat this. So glad to say still not gambled and can already feel the difference in my mental health xx

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Posted : 19th August 2019 9:29 pm
Tracey63
(@tracey63)

Another day and still gamble free. Feels great to say that but I know it is early days. Been reflecting on my downward slide into the gambling pit.  Like most people in the beginning I could have a night out at bingo which I loved never really thought of it as gambling just a break from the other half and the kids. Fast forward to about ten years ago and that fateful day some one said why not try on line bingo..big mistake the biggest of my life. The day I clicked into the on line games. Started off just loosing a little then leaving it and going back a week later and trying again. At this stage I thought I was in control and it was a bit of fun. Then husband lost his job, father in law was diagnosed with cancer, it was an awful time trying to support five people on one wage. Then the if only I could win xx amount I will have enough to pay this bill etc etc. The losses got bigger as did the desperate need to recoup the money I couldn't afford to loose in the first place. It was like I was on a  and self made hamster wheel and couldn't get off. Struggling to hide the addiction borrowing of friends and family to bail me out, all the time never admitting why I was in such a mess financialy and emotionally. Then I lost my beautiful son at the age of just twenty six in 2014. The grief and pain were unbearable. The more darker I became the more I used the slots to escape. Obviously the more I gambled the more depressed I became. Couldn't tell anyone the truth. All the lies to hide how bad it had become. In my darkest months I truly believed that I was going to win the big one. That win would cure all my problems. I could pay everyone off and far more importantly I could bring some joy back into my families life. Wanted to take the pain away from my children from loosing their brother. Lieing about having paid rent and essential bills. Then I just couldn't cope any more and really wanted to die. Felt like a complete failure in life I was a bad mother wife and person. When the truth came out in all honesty because of debts and balliffs. My family were amazing I had so much support. Didn't gamble for over a year. But know now that I never got the right help. Admitted I had a problem, got counselling for the depression and bereavement. But never admitted to myself that I was an addict. Then five months ago decided I am cured twenty quid won't hurt. Within a month I had lied, used my husband's card to set up accounts in his name, and came crashing down mentally. I have caused more damage to my family in the past five months then in the previous ten years. I know for me I need to separate the addiction, which I have finally accepted I have, and understanding how I got here. Sorry for the long post just needed to admit that I am an addict without being judged and shouted at. I am never going to let this addiction make me feel like I do right now ever again and this time I mean it. Right now if I could have one wish it wouldn't be to win the jackpot, it would be to make my family proud of me again. 

ReplyQuote
Posted : 21st August 2019 1:04 am
Davro1
(@davro1)
Posted by: Tracey63

How many times have I to say this before I loose everything. This addiction has lost me everything that matters to me. Money is the only start of it. Borrowing from close family and friends to hide the depth of my problem. The guilt and shame of knowing I don't know when I will ever be able to pay them back. How do you cope with that guilt ??. I feel broken as my husband and children.  who have been supportive up till this last relapse have finally had enough. They know my gambling is connected to my mental health, but I just can't get them to understand why I need to escape into the lonely and destructive on line slots. They have destroyed my life. But this time no more. If it takes me to my.last breath I will beat this. I never ever want to feel like this again. So every block possible is in place. Have assesment on Thursday for counselling. Have started this diary in the hope it will help. Any advice on how to cope with the self loathing, guilt and shame would be much appreciated. 

ReplyQuote
Posted : 21st August 2019 1:58 pm
Davro1
(@davro1)

You're not on your own as an addict it's important you realise that is you getting a situation when you are gambling powerless to the Machine the roulette wheel cards whatever is your thing, something I was told the other day as a gambling addict you're like, someone that has a nut allergy. simply cannot go near gambling establishments or anything such have you set your mind to tell yourself you have like a nut allergy it may help. I truly believe although I have a gambling problem including myself can get the powerback and control. Do not ever underestimate how easy it is to lose grip and control from it if you let it.. all the best with it and hopefully. Gamble free forever free.

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Posted : 21st August 2019 2:06 pm
Tracey63
(@tracey63)

Thank you for your advice guys it really helps. Have managed to survive payday without gambling. Wages went straight to husband's account which was a blessing. Every day I feel a little stronger still get really bad thoughts of if only I could win enough ...... But remind myself a hundred times a day I can never gamble again. It's really weird keep picking up my phone then putting it down.  Makes me realise just how much it had become part of my life. The hours and hours watching the reels spinning no emotion no problems just spinning reels. Have thought so much the last four weeks about my life, and know I have used gambling to avoid reality.  Just finished reading overcoming gambling addiction by Alex blaszczynski. Really thought provoking, have found it a great help. 

 

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Posted : 2nd September 2019 11:00 pm
Tracey63
(@tracey63)

Another day gambling free and I am starting to feel human again albeit very slowly.  Things at home are improving even though they are far from normal. At least my husband is not so angry, and I know that it is all my fault so not looking for pity. Every day I make the choice not to gamble is another day I prove to myself that I can and will beat this addiction.  

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Posted : 4th September 2019 8:53 pm
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