NEED PEOPLE... I just need people like you to be there for me right now

Hi everyone

My mood just goes up and down. I have a good run then things just seem to get on top of me and I find it so hard to get going again.

I see now how gambling addiction was a shot of 'something' to alleviate this malaise, I didn't see it before - in fact I thought I was just having a laugh with it until it spiralled out of control, around the same time that life really became overwhelming for me... Can't be a coincidence that.

I struggled with this sort of thing over Christmas and alas it has reappeared over the Easter break... I guess time on my hands is a major factor in my malaise... It makes me sad to have to write that as I have to accept now that I cannot enjoy the fruits of life in the same way everyone else can, time spent with myself only seems to get me down, then when I'm down everyone around me gets the thick end of my mood... This is no way to live, not for me or anyone close to me.

So today I guess this is a pledge to hit life like a steam train from here on in. I don't think I'll ever be at peace with myself so it looks like the only way to keep my black dog at bay is to keep busy and never let up. As I say this is really no way for someone to live but I feel like I have no choice at this stage. I need to stay well so I can pay back my family for all the misery by being there for them as a person, not as a liability and a letdown.

I have signed up for some counselling which starts next week in an attempt to develop some better coping mechanisms than the one I have outlined above... Surely there must be a better way, hopefully a professional can point me in the right direction.

All I can say is that from the moment I wake up I feel like I'm 'on the ropes' - taking a pummelling from life at full force. Most of the time I can work myself off of the ropes through sheer grit and determination and by having a plan for the day and plenty to do, but this weekend I chose to take it easy and I paid dearly for it re my mental state and outlook.

Apart from one trip out with the family which I enjoyed - the rest of the time you would have found me buried in my bedroom somewhere. This is no way to live, honestly it isn't... ?

I took a pummelling from life most of the weekend but once again I stayed on my feet. As I have always said, I won't go down... I'll never go down whilst there is still something worth fighting for ? ???

Hey S ?.     Sometimes it’s good , sometimes it’s bad and some days it’s downright sh?tty ?. It’s all about learning to deal with life like your a 4 yr old experiencing life for the first time.     Gambling gave us a protective shield, a place where whatever was thrown our way or felt uncomfortable could be blocked or dodged so that it would cause us no harm?  .We know that’s not a true reflection but that’s the impression it gave right ? .  Your not going to become Mr I’m having a great life everything’s perfect overnight now are you ? Not sure that even exists to be honest but it’s a nice thought ? .  You like I have to learn to deal with things normally again and that does happen but takes time .  It’s like learning a new foreign language, each day you add a little more to your vocabulary until you can form a sentence and then you string those together until your able to hold a conversation and your understood?                                 

As a gambler I had no patience , always eager for that quick win , bigger prices or bigger stakes were the order of the day so I could have the fortune that I dreamt of .  That trait still plays a part in my life today with wanting To solve all my issues at once , not monetary anymore but I’m still impatient ? .                   We can’t rush into becoming a new person overnight , we’ll  actually always be the same person we’ll hopefully just become  a better one ??‍♂️???‍??.                                                       It’s getting late now old friend and I’m struggling with my phone ? and talking? but still loving the emojis and hoping you somehow get my point ?.        Take it easy buddy and talk to you soon ?‍♂️

Posted by: A 9

It’s all about learning to deal with life like your a 4 yr old experiencing life for the first time.

Yeah I am with you Al, it's easier to assimilate what you're saying when I'm out the other end, it's just in the midst of it I feel so powerless, powerless and weak. I just wish I could fill the void with something meaningful, something that would stick and send the black dog away once and for all...

I really resonate with what you said above. I watch my little one all day, he is 2 and a half. All he cares about in the main is just having a good time and enjoying life. Even when I tell him off he just laughs it off. If he's hurt he cries for a bit then he's off enjoying himself again. Nothing sticks with him so to speak... With me, I'm like Teflon man.

I don't want to break his resolve over time with my hopelessness. I hope I snap out of this sometime before he is old enough to absorb it, he has the world at his fingertips, unless I whisk it away from him ?

Anyway Al thanks as ever for the support and guidance. I do need to take a leaf out my son's book... The irony is I'm trying so hard here to be a role model for him but currently it feels like role reversal ?

?

Hi Signalman 

Thought you had been a bit quiet!

Al is right about everything I think. Well it made sense to me.

 I spent 2 days over Easter visiting friends- and talking about my ? but the next two days I spent at home as a miserable git. I was actually glad to get to work. I guess it’s about filling our time more, getting out of our own heads and connecting with people. Not always easy I know, to do that. To feel the ups and downs of life is a good thing. I think I found some kind of warped emotional fulfilment in gambling. Stopping leaves holes and questions and a need to address things that have been masked. Probably my failure to do this took me back to gambling. It’s going to be a long journey but in the time since you have stopped gambling you have proved it’s worth it.

Keep going 

Signalman you still have everything. Yeah you lost a great amount of money but you still have your family. So stop feeling sorry for yourself and start enjoying life with your son some of us have not got that anymore. Signalman your a top bloke mate and deserve to be happy and I hope you can find this happiness 

Mate I actually think it's ok to feel this way sometimes and just like the odd urges of gambling those feelings do pass and get easier with time .

As gamblers we've all done some bad stuff ? , I'm guilty of lying cheating , robbing Peter to pay Paul and (Jim , Bob , even Terry too ) and I also became a master of illusion too , the thing is it's addiction that controlled us and when were in that mindset nothing that we do makes any sense at all to someone in a rational state of mind but to us CG's there's always a valid reason for our behaviour and when we finally come to our senses all those feelings of guilt which have been suppressed for so long rise to the surface , it's like ridding yourself of a terrible disease or virus , your body has to rid itself of all the toxins you've been carrying around for so long . 

You've made major steps forward this past year , everyone has stood by you despite what you thought at the beginning of your journey , each month you've faced new challenges and awoken new feeling's and however those feelings have affected your mood , you've still pushed through and overcome them , it's just another page in the book of recovery me old mate :)) . 

Look around your home , see your child, your wife and all the good times within your walls , that's what you need to focus on , not the memories of the last few yrs , we've all messed up on here buddy but we've not killed anyone or committed another horrendous act which could never be put right  , granted we've lied , wasted money but those are thing's that can be put right by earning the trust we betrayed and earning back the money we wasted ?.     

What did I say to you early on in your diary? something along the lines of  " It's ok to look back , just don't stare " . 

Cut yourself some slack mate and start enjoying life a little , it'll make the world of difference to everyone :)) 

Take care Bud :)) 

I've just read through a lot of this thread for the first time.  

In you're initial post you stated I WANT TO CARRY MORE THAN THE 'MAKES ME FEEL BETTER READING THIS' EFFECT - I WANT TO STAND FOR ALL THOSE LIKE FEEL LIKE ME TODAY - LOST, LONELY, UNCERTAIN OF THE FUTURE AND GIVE THEM A GLIMMER OF HOPE WHEN THEY NEED IT MOST

well.... you're certainly achieving that.  Keep up the great work.  You are an inspiration to me and many others.

Keep cracking on Signalman , your diary is exactly what new members need to read . A true struggle being combated with courage and compassion and total honesty . Keep up the good work and keep inspiring 🙂

Signalman,

I have just recently joined this page as of yesterday and I am 1 day GF, I am 20 years of age and have decided to tackle the problem early.

I came across your thread this morning and have read it all the way through, I just wanted to say thank you and most of all well done. Throughout all your posts, throughout the struggles, you can see just in your language and how you talk about problems how far you have come. Your story has truly inspired me, not just about gambling but about life. You have really changed some of my outlooks in such a positive way. Hold your head up high for how far you have come, I just wanted you to know that you are having an impact on other people too in a positive way.

So for that I just wanted to say thank you, keep fighting and doing good, you're awesome.

Wow... Massive thank you to all who have taken time to support me during a rough period of hollowness and 'feeling the void'.

I really appreciate all the insight and advice offered to me, I read through all of it meticulously and try to take on all the new knowledge and wisdom offered... I have met so many intellectually and emotionally astute people on here and am reminded again of this from recent comments... I am exceptionally grateful that people of this calibre take time out of their day to help me push on with my rebuilding project. Reading today was a welcome 'pick me up' and I feel the power of everyone's words... I am also humbled by peoples appreciation of my diary. It makes me feel less alone that people understand where I'm coming from. T'is a shame about the circumstances that brought us all here but nevertheless I am so glad I have made good friends on here.

People on here help me to step out of myself when I become too insular and also look inwards when life becomes baffling and overwhelming on the surface... For that I am also grateful.

Today I listened to a recovery Vlog (video log) on YouTube and the bloke said "you probably won't achieve much in your recovery unless you put into practice what you learn from your recovery" - A powerful statement.

It got me thinking; Am I working a recovery program or am I expecting a recovery program to just work for me? 

Food for thought indeed ? 

Take care all x look after yourselves

Where the bleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeedin hell you bin ????? :)) 

That's why I used the " Hotel California " title for my diary " You can check out any time you like but you can never leave " :)) . 

Good to see you back "S" :)) 

Keep pushing on buddy  " Yesterday can't hurt you and Tomorrows another day "  and yes to your last post                                                                   " Food for thought indeed "  x  

Apparently you can't say where the Devil resides on this forum FFS ?? . I always thought it was inside a bookies shop :))   

?? nice one Al

This recovery lark is all about 'breaking mental barriers' according to this bloke on YouTube...

What a pearl of wisdom eh ?

I'll keep fighting on  ?‍?‍?

The world is MY oyster, gambling took all my money and dignity but it won't take my oyster

It's all about the Oyster.

"They may take away our lives, but they'll never take our OOOOOOOOOOYSSSSSSSTERRRRRRR!"

Signalman can you just stop being so bloody popular! Makes me sick! ?