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signalman
(@signalman)
Ok I just lost 13.5k in under half an hour. I'm on modest wages - it wasn't savings either - all overdraft and money lending sources.

This is the day after. I feel ruined. I'm here at work with 0 hours sleep. I feel like crying or killing myself, or both. Keep having to skip out of work to take calls from lenders regarding a 20k loan as I also have 7.5k debt from poor money management.

I have a beautiful wife and a 1 year old son, and a nice home. We've worked hard for everything we've got no handouts. I've only ever lost a grand here or there and have been in control for years so this was a shock to my system. I'm still in shock... I don't want to lose my wife and son. Our relationship has been a bit fractured of late so maybe that plus the pressure of family, work and not having time to myself broke me. I'm ashamed. I can't look my son in the eye right now. I feel sub-human.

People's comments make me feel like I'm not alone. Its reassuring reading stories from people that have turned it round after some years. I want to be one of those guys. Right now it's day 1 after the breakdown and I can't see the wood from the trees.

I've done a lot of thinking today and:

Someone on here wrote that "the money will take care of itself" - I'm going ahead with a 5 year loan with manageable (just) repayments and hope for the best.

I have chosen not to tell my wife. She suffers from anxiety as it is and this will break her and finish us for sure. I will lose my son. She would try to be there for me but the magnitude of what I have done would surely overwhelm her

I won't go into recovery just yet. I just don't have the time. I work long hours. Strangely enough I want to beat this on my own even though I am fully aware that peer-to-peer support will make it miles easier. Call it guilt, shame, pride... whatever.

I had aspirations to save money and do a degree, it was my dream to leave my current job and qualify in my passion. I was willing to work round my son for this.

What if I'd logged out when I was supposed to? What kind of father and husband does this make me? What if my car goes or pipes burst... Where will the money come from now? What could I / should I have spent the money on?
No point thinking about any of this. Or you spiral. And looking forward with a clear head is hard when you are spinning around. Make a plan. Focus on the plan. Stay positive.

I WILL GO ON TO ACHIEVE MY DREAMS AND ASPIRATIONS

I WILL NOT GAMBLE AGAIN

I WILL NOT LET THIS BEAT ME. I WILL STAY POSITIVE, FOCUS ON MY EXIT STRATEGY DAY BY DAY AND DO THE BEST FOR MY FAMILY AND MYSELF

I WILL NOT LOSE MY FAMILY, MY HOME OR MY JOB OVER THIS

I WANT TO CARRY MORE THAN THE 'MAKES ME FEEL BETTER READING THIS' EFFECT - I WANT TO STAND FOR ALL THOSE LIKE FEEL LIKE ME TODAY - LOST, LONELY, UNCERTAIN OF THE FUTURE AND GIVE THEM A GLIMMER OF HOPE WHEN THEY NEED IT MOST

I WILL BE BACK HERE IN 5 YEARS TIME TO POST A MESSAGE WHICH REFLECTS THE ABOVE.

Thanks to all who candidly share their horrific experiences related to this powerful addiction/illness. Yes, it makes me feel better knowing I'm not alone - if I felt truly alone in all this I probably would just do myself in. Also the inspiring stories of recovery give me something to hold on to. I vow when I'm better in 5 years time I'll be back... Ready and available for anyone who needs me.

nb - I will check back here daily to look for solace and inspiration from others. It is day 2 today - a sinking feeling overwhelmed me as it starts to set in what I have done. My wife knows something is up and is trying to be supportive. I have been absent towards my son last few days and now he won't settle in my arms. He just wants his mum - maybe he's right - I'm no good. Credit cards arrived in the post that I ordered as back up finance in case I need them in the future but in a moment of clarity I cut them up.
Basically I realised that I may do this again one way or another once the dust has settled and if things don't pan out for me the way I envisage them to. I can't let this happen but realised today I am pretty much powerless when the time comes. So daily readings on this thread will act as much needed salvation for me - I will read daily whether I feel like I need the help that day or not - I'll keep my medication topped up so to speak. I need SO MUCH words, direction, reassurance from anyone out there with a big enough heart that is willing to give. I am no-one to you - as I said before I feel sub-human, but regardless - please help me. If anyone reading this has really resonated with my words and feels compelled/compassionate enough to message daily I would really appreciate that. I will read and reply daily I promise - maybe we can help each other through exchange of perspectives when we need it most.
Who am I to ask for anything... but I'm desperate and hope to god someone out there hears me before it's too late and I lose everything.
Thank you so much for taking time to read this - if you got to the end I have no doubt you are a good person and are better than this illness.
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Posted : 31st August 2018 1:21 pm
signalman
(@signalman)

Any message of hope would be much appreciated right now. My mental wellbeing is darting from mania (when reading people's success stories) to depression and despair (when reading about people who have relapsed)

I'm sure anyone who is familiar with this see-saw mind state has been where I've been and could offer some solace. Please help.

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Posted : 31st August 2018 1:37 pm
A 9
 A 9
(@alan-135)

Hiya Buddy I feel your pain :((.

I don't know you but your "Not anyone to me " your a mirror to the way I was when I stopped gambling nearly 3 yrs ago when I came to this place after a nearly 40 yr gambling problem .

I've no been here for a while but still read the forums when time allows and believe me when I say your not alone with what addiction has done to your life .

The straight answer is that there's " No quick fix " and things have to be dealt with in some sort of order but in order of priority and only you know what those priorities are ? .

People here who have gained any lengthy gamble free time myself included will alway's describe honesty as being one of the priorities most important to becoming well again and moving forward with any sort of recovery . Honesty not only to yourself but more importantly to those around you , of course that's all down to you my friend but gambling particularly thrives on secrecy and allows you to pick up where you left off when the urges strike , which they will even though you feel like s***e at the moment . No judgement buddy on the way you choose to handle things but you'll need all the support you can in order to overcome this thing and I can honestly say that when I had " The Conversation " with My partner and kids which I really didn't want to do , it was the first time I'd ever felt as though I'd taken back some of the hold that gambling had over me :)). Youv'e already said that your wife " Knows something's up " ? , mine is far from stupid although I fed here enough Bulls hit to make the local park come into full bloom in December !!.

Thing's like " Honesty and integrity " don't sit well with us Compulsive gamblers and we over time become the masters of deception and that's always a good thing to tackle early on as are self exclusions and not giving yourself access to funds in order to gamble because if there's no fuel then the fire won't burn will it ? .

Mate you can do this but you need to make some real life changes , it's scary and it's early day's for you but trust me when I say that I felt exactly the same 3yrs ago as you do today but it does get better , slowly at first butthen you like me didn't get her quickly did you ? and every gamble free day allows you to face things head on and make them better and see a brighter future .

Check out Mixers plan for what you need to do at the top of the recoveries page , it's full of very usefull stuff :)) .

Look after yourself Bud , take a deep breath and take one day at a time for now eh ? .

A9 :))

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Posted : 31st August 2018 2:12 pm
signalman
(@signalman)

Thank you SO much A9.

I will ponder on having that conversation with my wife... maybe she'll surprise me and be stronger than I imagined.

Yes "one day at a time". I'll take that on board for sure. I'm sitting here with a calculator trying to work out how I am going to manage this month and the numbers aren't adding up thus far - making me have a panic attack! Maybe like you say one day at a time then if I am struggling I will sit down and deal with it then.

Thanks again for the post. Thank you. I hope like you say I can do this. Long road ahead.

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Posted : 31st August 2018 2:33 pm
signalman
(@signalman)

Jeez... Day 3 and I am LOW.

Day 1 and 2 I was finding solace in positive thoughts. Today I can't get out of bed. Consumed by the debt and who I've let down. I just need someone to tell me to keep going. I hope to god this gets easier to deal with over time. I hope I've got the will power. Please someone just remind me it's going to be ok... I'm struggling here.

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Posted : 1st September 2018 8:22 am
signalman
(@signalman)

Ok taken a deep breath and telling myself one day at a time. I don't think over time I'm going to be able to service the debt I'm in. That's what's killing me right now. However I'll get up now and just focus on having a good day.

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Posted : 1st September 2018 8:52 am
Donna2501
(@donna2501)

Firstly, take a breath.

If you are 100% sure you are ready to beat this, you will! Have faith in yourself. Willpower alone will not be enough though, put Every block in place, don't keep even one avenue unblocked because as I said willpower is not enough. Tell your wife, I learnt keeping this addiction to myself made me ill, tell her, she can't help you until you do and she will help, you will feel relieved for telling her. There are no quick fixes but one day at a time, that's all you can do but if you want to succeed this is how it goes, one day at a time. I'm impatient so I know how frustrated you must feel but as each day passes you will be one day closer to getting strong again, one day closer to being the man your family love and deserve.

You saying you want to end things.....PLEASE get help for this, NOW! Get counselling, you are worth it!

I've not been on this recovery journey for very long but I can relate to how lost you are feeling. Please remember, it will get better!

Keep yourself busy, urges will try and take over but they can't if you are busy doing something else.

Take care

Dx

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Posted : 1st September 2018 10:37 am
signalman
(@signalman)

Thank you Donna, thank you. I really needed support and you were there when I needed it. I pulled my car over to breathe and look for a word of inspiration from somewhere and saw your message.

It's day 3... I guess the shock subsides and you're left to deal with the reality of what you've actually done. I tried to tell my wife what I've done but couldn't bring myself to. At the moment she thinks I'm depressed and is managing our son and making sure I'm not left for too long on my own. I've been working out how I'm going to tell her what I've done... I probably will in the end.

Ok. Feel recouperated after reading that. If anyone else could just post a kind message urging me on here and there I would appreciate it so much. I just need to be told I can do this on a daily basis. Maybe one day I'll stand tall again but for now I'm in a crumpled heap on the floor. And I need to get up again for my wife and son.

Everything changed in that 30mins when I logged on... Everything changed.

ReplyQuote
Posted : 1st September 2018 10:45 am
Donna2501
(@donna2501)

I'm glad you read the message when you did, really I am.

Maybe tell your wife by writing it all down and giving it to her, that way you can get everything said and will also give your wife chance to absorb it all. Yes she will go through all the emotions and that will be hard for you to deal with but you have to remember this information will be new to her so give her time. My husband was more upset with me for not being able to trust him with my problem rather than the addiction but now I can talk to him when I'm getting urges, it helps trust me!

You CAN do this

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Posted : 1st September 2018 11:03 am
signalman
(@signalman)

Thank you again Donna. I'm glad I read the message when I did too.

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Posted : 1st September 2018 11:11 am
initiumnovum
(@initiumnovum)

hi signalman,

thanks for commenting on my diary, means a lot. that's the whole reason I use these forums is to take inspiration from people who've been going a lot longer than me. some people have done remarkably well considering their starting position. I have faith you will be the same.

you're right in so much of what you say, the reality kicking in is brutal, came after a week for me. I was in this bubble of being a 'new guy' but then it sunk in what I'd done and who I'd hurt.

As for the money, the number is painful but at the same time somewhat irrelevant, at the time of my gambling I would have convinced myself I could turn ВЈ100 into £200 or 1 million into 2 million, it's that mindset that makes us gamblers and not financially savvy people.

please keep commenting on the forum especially with your decision not to tell your other half. when my gambling was at its worst my partner had lost so close relative, wasn't the right time to be open with her. maybe just give it time??

keep going, there will be negative and positive days but even when I feel lowest, I know it would be made worse by gambling.

all the best,

A

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Posted : 1st September 2018 11:33 am
signalman
(@signalman)

Thank you A. I feel like a beaten man. A **** father and a **** husband. I've let my in-laws down and my parents. I don't deserve anything that I have. I threw it all away in 30 mins.

However my wife is in town right now. I was planning on telling her when she gets home and puts our son to sleep. Then I convince myself not to... And tell myself I can beat this quietly. My mind is all over the place. I think I'll just keep myself mega busy today with chores and keep the radio on in the background to distract me. I'll keep reading your diary A as I do find it therapeutic... It really rallies me when I hear you've been for a run or spin class. I'm going to get back into the gym next week. Day 3 and I am still broken... Broken and depressed. But here's hoping I have a good day and get things done.

Thanks again to anyone who took time to read and has a spare minute to keep my spirits up.
At the moment I don't know what the future holds... All I know is that logging on here gives me hope and an element of strength.

ReplyQuote
Posted : 1st September 2018 11:57 am
signalman
(@signalman)

Just had a light bulb moment where I realised if I wallow in self pity I'll make myself worse or relapse due to loss of all hope.

Each day I'll do my best to be productive and useful and generate positive outcomes then I'll post them up so when others read it will instill hope and positive vibes within them rather than sadness.

Just done a load of cleaning at home. Consumed by thoughts of what I've done but trying to blot them out and listening to the radio.

Liverpool flying this season :o)
Come on pool!

ReplyQuote
Posted : 1st September 2018 1:43 pm
signalman
(@signalman)

Also if I wake up and can't get back to sleep I'll just get up and start doing stuff rather than lie there thinking. I can always catch up at some other point in the day or get an early night.

ReplyQuote
Posted : 1st September 2018 1:44 pm
Lost1961
(@lost1961)

Hello Signalman.
I understand where you are at the moment and the self hate and despair.I let my wife down 10 days ago and it took me 5 days before i managed to tell her.The first night and day after was horrific and my son even ended up hitting me in frustration at my lapsing after 9 months of not gamblinv online.
My situation is differant to yours and this problem has started late in life for me.Im 57 and up to 3 years ago had never bet but personal stuff happening at once found me running to the bottle to hide and this led to binge gambling.
Things have got easier over the week but i would strongly recommend you phone the advisors on gamcare everyday for support and also arrange for one to one counselling. Also today on the Gamcare news letter there are some great tools to download and use.
I am 100% here for you if you need to talk or let out your pain.
Keep strong now and focus on the day each day.The past is done with and you can and must do this .

ReplyQuote
Posted : 1st September 2018 2:01 pm
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