Need Help

WTC,

Im delighted for you. Well done on making the life changing decision to stop gambling. 

Youre on your way to a better life. Im happy to read that youve added exercise. My experience says this helps a great deal. Its like a double whammy. You give up something that was ruining your life and add exercise which prolongs your life and makes you feel good about yourself.

Keep going.

RR

Posted by: RouletteRegret

WTC,

Im delighted for you. Well done on making the life changing decision to stop gambling. 

Youre on your way to a better life. Im happy to read that youve added exercise. My experience says this helps a great deal. Its like a double whammy. You give up something that was ruining your life and add exercise which prolongs your life and makes you feel good about yourself.

Keep going.

RR

Thank you for the motivation.

Good work Wanttochange1234.

Even after two years off I still have gambling dreams every so often. I find them quite upsetting for that moment that I'm working out what's real and what's left of the dream and I find myself disappointed more than anything. Thankfully the memory doesn't last long but does add as another reminder of how grateful I am once I've realised that I haven't gambled.

Little side note for you. The Gamstop is a great tool to use but incase you don't know most bank accounts online have a feature where you can ban gambling transactions. It adds as another little buffer for you, just incase, and may give your wife a little bit of peace of mind.

Chris.

Posted by: Chris.UK

Good work Wanttochange1234.

Even after two years off I still have gambling dreams every so often. I find them quite upsetting for that moment that I'm working out what's real and what's left of the dream and I find myself disappointed more than anything. Thankfully the memory doesn't last long but does add as another reminder of how grateful I am once I've realised that I haven't gambled.

Little side note for you. The Gamstop is a great tool to use but incase you don't know most bank accounts online have a feature where you can ban gambling transactions. It adds as another little buffer for you, just incase, and may give your wife a little bit of peace of mind.

Chris.

 

Thank you Chris.

I have now added this via my online banking app. This is a great tool that I didn't even know existed.

Thanks also for replying about my dreams. I found them strange and did speak to my wife about them, as I felt guilty when I woke up. But I can't control my dreams.

Anyway, today is now day 8 gf. Its early but things are going well. My wife and I are becoming closer again which is great. She did speak openly to me the other day about what she felt was controlling behaviour.

She said anytime she is excited about something I put a dampener on it or talk it down. She also said anytime she arranges nights out with her friends I become grumpy to the point she can't enjoy her night out and the only way she knows how to overcome that is to give me money to gamble while she is out.

I would like to reiterate, that there has never been any sort of violence or abuse in our relationship, but what she said did make sense as I do get mood swings, especially when she is going out drinking as my last partner cheated on me and sadly my wife did at the beginning of our relationship too. She has also broken my trust by lying several times through our relationship, these can be white lies but lies none the less. For example opening shopping accounts and lying about it or going out and lying where she was going. She also ran up £600 bill twice with a local taxi firm and lied. She has said the rent is paid and lied on a couple of occasions too.

One thing I have always done with her no matter what is be honest. I know some of these things she has done could have been avoided if it wasn't for my gambling. 

I am unsure how to overcome the mood swings when she goes out drinking. She obsesses with her phone, it never leaves her side and she is never off different social medias. I would also like to make it clear, that I don't believe she is cheating but I do believe she is capable of it and I do have trust issues. I have said I will try and relax when she goes out but my worry is she goes out maybe once a month just now but she wants to go out more and more and go more weekends away and abroad with her friends etc. I don't get it as we have children but she loves a night out drinking. She also has a friend just now who goes out every weekend and calls her every day, and all she wants to talk about is arranging the next night out(this is her best friend). I used to really like this friend, but recently her husband cheated on her and she became fixated on the gym and going out every weekend(its like she's having a midlife crisis and she also has kids and a husband). I am so confused, is this all in my head?

I am not sure if the mood swings are a by product of the gambling or if I have been using the gambling to kid myself on everything else is OK. To be fair to my wife, I have been a cg since about 15. 

I am trying to make sense of all this and understand when it is acceptable to say enough is enough, you are going out too much drinking or to not say anything and be fine about it?

I feel like I'm becoming a bit of a door mat and when lockdown is over I will have to say OK to everything. Maybe thats best though?

Sorry for the long post and I understand this is a gambling only site, I'm just wondering if others had went through anything similar and where gambling fits in with this.

For now though things are good with us and I have not gambled.

So yesterday was another day gamble free. Just now I am finding it quite easy as due to Gamstop and my bank block and everything closed, I don't have the means to gamble. 

I don't think things opening up will make a difference to me if I'm being honest as I have never been one for fobts or slots or any other thing like that. My vice has always been sports and in particular exchanges, so gamblock and blocking my bank has been a godsend.

Yesterday we went another long walk and enjoyed it.

I am still confused about my previous post and where gambling fits in to all that.

Thanks 

So I am now on to day 10 GF. I have reached double figures.

Things with the family are great. I have realised the amount of time gambling has taken me away from them. We have had everything we have needed for the month and more, in terms of food, gas  electricity, etc. All bills were paid and it is pay day on Tuesday and we still have money in the bank which is great.

Me and my son went a 10.5km walk yesterday through the forestry exploring which was great.

My wife has been great through this and her support means alot. 

Today I will not gamble.

Thanks 

Wanttochange1234, good work.

What do you mean you're not sure where gambling fits into your previous post? I have an idea but before I come back to you could you just clarify what you mean. Thanks.

So I mean the mood swings and insecurities I have when my wife goes out. I'm not sure if I gamble more because of these insecurities or if I'm insecure more because I gamble if that makes sense?

Thanks 

Thanks, I understand.

In recovery , especially in GA, we talk about gambling not being the problem, we're the problem. Gambling is the symptom. By that I mean we use gambling to escape from ourselves or situations. Not necessarily in the early days but as the gambling becomes problematic or compulsive that's what tends to happen. Just stopping gambling, although great initially for your mind and bank balance, isn't a long term solution.

With GA we have a twelve step program to work which is about looking at ourselves and our defects and working hard to overcome them, as well as making amends to others and looking back over our life, really digging deep into our past but then leaving it in the past, not allowing it to constantly be a reason for relapsing.

It sounds like you have issues that could be resolved by working this process or by having counselling. Gamecare have partners all over the country or even give them a call to get a professional opinion.

One example of this is as follows. Back in 2007 until 2010 I had just over three years gambling free and life really was good. I didn't change much, I just regularly attended GA. I really thought I would never gamble again. Then something happened and within hours I had forgotten the previous three years and was back gambling and I became worse than ever!

I started to work the steps a couple of years ago and so far while doing this my dad died, my grandad died, my daughter had major back surgery and I've also been looking for work. All of these things made me anxious. All of these things in the past I would have tried to escape from with gambling, the symptom of my being unable to cope. But I have coped despite everything and this time I'm two years and five months clean. Not just clean from gambling but also a clean mind.

You could talk honestly to your wife as well, hopefully be reassured by what she says, although I wouldn't guarantee that. Who knows how others think or do!

Have a read through of Duncs diary, he's currently writing about his steps progress. 

Sorry to go on but I suppose the point I'm making is your problems are about you and unless you address you through counselling, steps, talking or some other form they aren't going to magically disappear or get better.

I hope that makes sense.

Chris.

Thanks Chris. I understand and appreciate the feedback.

12 days gamble free.

Things are good. Can't complain at all. Things are great at home and although I have had a couple of urges, nothing major and never as much as contemplated acting on them.

I am determined to beat this.

Hello,

Good to hear and the urges are perfectly normal. Put it into perspective, you've been gambling for so many years, you've been off for 12 days, so it's going to take some time before they go. If you get the urges, by sharing on here or with someone else that you're having them helps to take the power out of them, if that makes sense. Don't keep them bottled up. I still have them now, as well as gambling dreams, it's normal. 

Well done again.

Chris.

Posted by: Chris.UK

Hello,

Good to hear and the urges are perfectly normal. Put it into perspective, you've been gambling for so many years, you've been off for 12 days, so it's going to take some time before they go. If you get the urges, by sharing on here or with someone else that you're having them helps to take the power out of them, if that makes sense. Don't keep them bottled up. I still have them now, as well as gambling dreams, it's normal. 

Well done again.

Chris.

Thanks Chris,

I am finding it much easier documenting things on here. Had a quiet day today, watched 2 movies and played some football in the garden with my son. Didn't even think about gambling. I do need to get back to exercise as I have let that slip the past 2 days now. 

I always thought you had to pay for Gamstop and I can honestly say it has been a godsend. 

As has this community.

Thanks Again.

15 days gamble free today. Yesterday was pay day and every single bill is paid. We booked a holiday for May next year for 10 days all inc, 2 months ago. I had made the first payment last month and was considering dropping the holiday because of the uncertainty, but the second payment has been made and with only 8 payments to go, we have decided to pay it and hope for the best. Even with everything paid and 250 spent on food etc (our cupboards are bursting at the seams) and both of us being furlough, we still have about 600 left to live on for the month. We also spent 300 on a new king size bed and our son can have our double bed. Its crazy that in the past I would have gambled all that and probably not paid bills etc and left us to struggle and borrow through the month. I have realised that we both have well paid jobs and there is no need to gamble. Things have already improved so much in just 2 weeks, I am excited to see how good they can be in 4 or 5 months.

Thank you all again for the support.

19 days gf now. Baby steps each day but everything is good for now.