Need help

This was a beautiful post Tom. Brilliant to hear your resilience and positive frame of mind (don't wanna be a doom monger but just remember good times pass, low points emerge, low points pass, to be replaced by good times - I only say all this so further down the line if/when you feel like s**t for no apparent reason - just remember you probably haven't done anything wrong in your recovery and you shouldn't resent the way you are feeling - it's just the changing tide of life mate)

Also glad to hear about your cards. The only reason I kept labouring the point was because in the early days I'm sorry to say but you remain putty in the hands of gambling and you need to do everything in your power to close the door on it and keep it out. Doing this minimises your chance of a relapse.

Then one day with a load of clean time behind you, you become the hand and gambling becomes the putty. At that point mate - have as many cards as you want, hell you could make a jacket out of them if you want and wear it - at that point you are the hand and gambling is the putty.

Thank you for filling my day with joy and inspiration with your brilliant post. I wish you all the best in your recovery. I have been drawn to your story even when you were posting as Worv for some reason... Who knows why but maybe your story reminds me of mine... I feel like I should stick around and keep telling you that if I can do it, you can do it, coz mate - if you knew me you would realise that I am / was one hell of a pudding-head when I gambled, and now I'm doing ok :o)

2 things that really filled me with joy:

TommyE wrote:

As you can probably understand us gamblers have the amazing ability to memorise card numbers so I will be drawing out a small sum of cash from the joint account each month and that will be my spends.

Cheers

Loved the bit about the number retaining :o) so true! we see numbers on a card as just numbers on a card rather than the portal to our financial security and future! Probably half the reason we got into this mess is because we regarded money and bank balances as mere numbers and in turn valueless (hippies would argue that they are in fact valueless numbers but there you go)

But the small amount of cash bit really filled me with joy as you've got the mentality now mate... It's not forever remember (if that's what you'd prefer) - it may be just until you become the hand and gambling becomes the putty.

TommyE wrote:

Hey mate,

It's a slog and life can present you with all sorts of challenges on a daily basis however I need to deal with those challenges and not just hide in the world of online gambling.

Cheers

You got this bro. If you stick to this principle alone I believe you will see this through.

Ps...

TommyE wrote:

I will be back either later today or tomorrow for an update on life without the infinite joys of ******* my money down the drain.

Cheers

Yes mate but just remember, just survive for now. Don't make that next bet. All will become clear once the gambling is in the distance. You won't have to run to gambling for an escape from life as you and life will live symbiotically.

Take care. Be good now and don't gamble :o)

Completely f****d it. Ended up back at the slots. So disappointed with myself. Let myself down, family down, all the same s**t all over again. I don’t feel sorry for myself, I know this is my problem and my issue I honestly just do not know how to sort it now. I’m in £6.5k of debt. Had to take a loan out to pay off the cards. I’m done with it all. I don’t even want to gamble. 

Looks like this is day 1 all over again. So gutted.

this is my rock bottom. Need to pick myself up before I completely ruin my life. Tomorrow is day 1 all over again. 

I’m sorry to the people on here who tried to support me, I let you down too.

please keep talking to me and I will try and be here everyday to support you too. 

Thanks

I wondered where you'd got to...

Right, well keep talking this time. If you get urges, thoughts, doubts, even relapses just keep talking mate - that's what this site is for. I think giving up gambling is real hard to do on your own.

You're in a lot of debt - are you going to hand over financial control to someone you trust now? Just as a significant block against making the situation worse. Start as you mean to go on I guess. 

Also self-exclude from wherever you were gambling? Online blocks if that was the case? Sorry to spoon-feed you all this information but you're head is probably all over the place so perhaps don't question it or think about it too much mate, just get it done. You can reassess how you move forward with the blocks once you have some clean time behind you, or maybe like me you'll just get used to them and embrace them ? Gambling has you by the balls right now so you need to do something to protect yourself right?

And remember, part of that is to keep talking, no matter what happens. We are in this together.

Also if you're feeling completely lost with it all right now (which to be honest, sounds like you are) then get yourself over to a GA meeting - you'll probably feel less lost and more hopeful after attending.

Ps take it from me, this is probably not your rock bottom just yet. Once you finally draw a line under gambling and put a plan of recovery into place, then stand at the foot of that mountain and gaze up at the summit (which no doubt you won't be able to see from where youre standing) - that will probably be the rock bottom mate.

But you need to dig in now and be brave enough to take on that challenge. Yes, brave enough. Having a bit of time off gambling then finding life a bit tough and empty thereafter and returning to it, that's symptomatic of the disease. 

We are fighting a disease with no discernable medication available. That will take bravery.

Hi mate,

thanks for your reply. I actually feel kind of positive this morning, I’m sat here with my daughter and I am not going to let this win this time. I have just cancelled all of my cards and I now have no access to any money with the exception of the joint account which I would never use for gambling. 

Unfortunately i live out in the sticks and my nearest GA meeting is nearly 2 hours away so it’s not something I could commit to. I am going to try and find some counselling service a bit closer by to try and help me get control of this.

I am not going to pretend I am on top of this as I am not, however I do feel more determined than ever not to let it win. I now have no access to any money which inevitably will help. I am very lucky that I have a highly paid job so I will be looking to get this debt paid of by the end of next year and I will be making every payment knowing that gambling caused the issue. I’m not going to lie, as you know it’s s**t, but I have been talking to my mum for support and one of my biggest problems is dwelling on what I’ve done, I need to learn to accept that I can’t do anything to change what I’ve done but I can change the future. I want to be a better man, not just for my family but for me too. 

This time I will be here every day, without fail, to get help and support from wonderful people like your good self. 

Thank you for not just avoiding my post and thinking I was just a failure. Means a lot. 

I hope you are good

one of my biggest problems is dwelling on what I’ve done, I need to learn to accept that I can’t do anything to change what I’ve done but I can change the future.

Sorry for hijacking here, but something you said really resonates with me. I'm slightly hungover from last night, but it's making me quite reflective. Lol.  Hopefully my message will make sense.

I imagine your quote above has been an issue for most of us at one time or another, and maybe it never 100% goes away...but in my opinion it is and has been the absolute key.  You have to think of the future.  You have to make sure your actions are positive (and that includes not doing anything as opposed to being negative too!).

Think of what advice you'd give to someone else who had done something that they can't change?  "You can't go back and change it now, so look forward and don't let it happen again".  Sound advice. In fact, the only advice that you can give.  Sound, rationale and progressive advice.

Yes, it all sounds simple and we know it isn't, but it's the mindset you've got to have, or the mindset you need to trick yourself into having until you truly do have it!!  I hope that makes sense. Keep up the goo work all and have a great weekend.

Too true, I’ve had a great day, been with my daughter all day and not really thought about gambling. 

I have to accept that I caused this s**t, yes it may be an addiction but the only person who can physically change it is me. Im the one who has P****d all that money away and I have to just accept that and look forward. Look forward to being positive, to not lying and to actually spending my money on me not paying for some bookie owner to buy another boat.

iv made those mistakes and this time I actually feel positive, previously iv known I should not be doing it but I was anxious, resentful and a little part of me was happy to think it was okay to have that one last spin or one last footie punt. It’s not okay, none of it. From now on I’m done

Yeah I mean like bdog says - it feels a lot like a bereavement ie it's overwhelming at first and you focus on what could have and should have been, then over time you learn to cope somewhat with the overwhelming feelings - they become somewhat manageable but never truly disappear? 

It took me AGES to work out (despite numerous insights from people on here) that dwelling on the past will achieve nothing and really that energy should be focused into shaping your future. It took me ages to work out that even if I won the lottery while gambling that wouldn't have been necessarily a good thing because I was mega sick... It took me ages to work out that without the key you will always be locked in. 

You have the key now, you realised you are done with it all. When you unlock that door what lays before you is daunting and overwhelming (a whole new world)

You need to take your time and slowly work out what direction you'll take, how you'll make your moves and who you will embrace on this journey now you are liberated. It's a huge world out there now you have left gambling behind you... It's an incredible opportunity that now lays before you. The possibilities are so exciting. Just take your time and work out how you are going to fully embrace this new life.

Every time you catch yourself dwelling on what has happened and/or what could have happened if things had been different just picture yourself unlocking that door, seeing beauty and light before you - then instead of embracing it you turn back round to stand and stare at the dirty, dank, stale incarceration chamber that has had the better of you for so long.

What's the point in that????? 

Don't waste time now. But at the same time don't rush or put too much pressure on yourself. The key will unlock all doors you encounter on your journey and all it asks from you to keep working is one thing, don't make another bet. That's it. 

Ps I think counselling is a great idea... Get on that mate ? nothing to lose right?

Hey, 

just A quick update, been mega busy with work so not had time to post. Things have been going well, so far so good. Been managing the temptation quite well. I’ve found whenever it comes into my head to gamble just to get up and do something, anything, just take myself out of whatever environment I am in and that seems to be working. 

Still trying to to master the art of drawing a line under what I have done and just moving on. However I feel positive and I have had some real stress with work so all good.

hope you guys are all good. 

Back tomorrow 

Really struggling today, keep beating myself about the financial shithole I have got myself in. f*****g hate it

Hi TommyE,

It sounds like from what you are describing that you may be getting frustrated with yourself. It might be helpful to you to aim to be as gentle and patient with yourself as you would be to a close friend or family-member.

There may still be some forms of support out there that you have not had the chance to explore yet. For example even though your nearest GA meeting may be quite far away if distance is a genuine issue and you cannot travel to a face-to-face appointment many of our one-to-one practitioners may be able to offer sessions over the telephone. You are more than welcome to contact our advisors on the Helpline (0808 8020 133) or Netline to discuss practical strategies, signposting and referrals from 8am until midnight 7 days a week.

Best Wishes

Forum Admin

Posted by: TommyE

Really struggling today, keep beating myself about the financial shithole I have got myself in. f*****g hate it

Like admin says don't be afraid to ask for help right now. Help can only help. 

It will get better over time if you stay on this path. We all made a mess of things on here, you're not alone. Beating yourself in a weird way is all part of this process if you ask me, especially in the early days. 

Just try not to beat yourself too hard and save some of that energy to channel in what you're going to do to BEAT THIS ADDICTION.

Your financial hole is symptomatic of your illness and consequent behaviour, its not because you're a piece of s**t person with no morals. You must have some decency in you or you wouldn't be posting on here and trying to make good. 

You're going to feel guilty and resentful about what you've done but do not let these feelings dictate what you do next.

Chin up ✊

Posted by: Forum admin

Hi TommyE,

It sounds like from what you are describing that you may be getting frustrated with yourself. It might be helpful to you to aim to be as gentle and patient with yourself as you would be to a close friend or family-member.

 

Wise words.

What advice would you give to yourself?  Can you change the past?