So I haven’t gambled for 4 days but the only reason for this is because I have 0.48p in my bank. Yep 0.48p is all I have to show for a mother who works full time, and also works every evening from home on top of that. I have worked from the age of 16, and very hard, so when I look at what I do it is soul crushing. My story starts similar to most others. 5 years ago I was desperate to buy my own home with my husband for our future and our two beautiful children. I was sick of renting, and one day seeing the adverts on TV I thought why don’t I sign up to an online casino, that would be a laugh! Of course I won that day, and thought wow! I spent the money on treats for my kids and myself and thought how easy it was to have won such a decent amount only depositing £30. I then decided that I would try and win more and the thought of hitting a jackpot to buy a home was all I could think of. I had another decent win. Not enough for a house, but that moment was what planted the gambling seed for me. I had previously got into a small amount of debt in my 20’s and had cleared it and built my credit rating back up to excellent. It had taken years, but I was really proud I had done it. As the gambling addiction grew I started to lose a weeks wages, then a months, then savings, and then the loans and credit cards started. I would get as many credit cards and loans as I could manage and then always say to myself that I would be able to pay it all off when I won. The dream of my own house slipped further and further out of reach as I struggled to pay my debts. My credit rating dropping each month drastically. Fast forward nearly 5 years and my credit rating is ruined. I have numerous defaults, and I have around 35k of debt, and I am on a management plan. The dream that started this addiction has now stopped me being able to get a mortgage completely, and for at least another 6 years. I do have anxiety and depression which I am medicated for, and have been for years. I believe this is a contributor of my addiction. I used Gamstop as soon as it launched and excluded for 5 years. My problem now is that I always find some rouge casino which accept UK players with no licence and play there instead. Bad move? Yes of course! But I feel like I am out of control. When I get payed and have money in my bank I get this overwhelming urge to spend the lot. I work so hard but I now owe money to my mum and dad along with my loans (something I never used to do in my whole life) so this disease has now taken away my dignity, my pride, my happiness, and my optimism. I can’t seem to break these cycles. I really want to stop this time. I want to try and pay off as much debt as possible and get my self respect and dignity back again. I want to do this for my husband and children. I hate the lying, manipulating person I’ve become. The only thing I can say I have never done is steal, but this addiction has made me become every other monster imaginable. I get payed in 2 weeks so that will be the test here for me. I’m hoping my diary can help with my recovery, so I have an outlet. Gambling had broke me beyond belief and made me feel suicidal , scared, sad, lonely, hopeless, guilty, the list is endless. Now is the time for me to take back control.
It's funny but I often wonder if that first bet we have hadn't been a winner ?
My first big win ( well it was way back then ) happened in the early 8o's and a horse I backed romped in at 33 to 1 , I only had a few quid on but it like yourself sowed the seed that would take me on to becoming an addict .
From your post you said you've installed blocking software and such but obviously while there all well and good and offer us some thinking time, they can still be got around when the urges strike and we rather like an easter egg hunt decide to seek out new less secure sites ? .
Your access to fund's is the real issue now and far from being an expert would think that handing over financial control to someone you can trust would be the way forward with this ? , mum , dad , hubby perhaps? , that way you could have them pay your outgoing's for the fortnight or month and drip feed you what you need on a weekly or even daily basis if that's what it took ? .
I know this isn't ideal and you feel a little like a kid again after pocket money day but I'd rather it be that way than find out in a couple of weeks that I'd gone down to 48p again ? .
I'm fortunate that I've been at this now for a while gamble free and my blocks are no longer in place but it most definately wasn't always like that and would have struggled at one point to have gone a few hours without placing a bet .
We are compulsive gamblers and will never be cured but we can learn to keep ourselves safe .
Having re read your post I'm actually not sure if you've told your family yet as it say's " I hate the lying " ? and although it's not my place to tell you what to do , if you haven't already then this may be the time ? .
Alan
Thank you Alan. I really appreciate your reply. You are right I haven’t told anyone not a soul in the 5 years as I am a coward and too scared of the consequences. My parent are fantastic but they would not understand this, and my husband is amazing but it literally kills me inside thinking about telling him. I know I need to I have thought about this for so long, you are also right about handing over the finances 100% right. If I can get over one payday where I spend it just on bills and not gambling I know this will give me such drive to keep going. Thanks again Alan and congratulations on your abstinence everyday is such an achievement.
Thank you Alan. I really appreciate your reply. You are right I haven’t told anyone not a soul in the 5 years as I am a coward and too scared of the consequences. My parent are fantastic but they would not understand this, and my husband is amazing but it literally kills me inside thinking about telling him. I know I need to I have thought about this for so long, you are also right about handing over the finances 100% right. If I can get over one payday where I spend it just on bills and not gambling I know this will give me such drive to keep going. Thanks again Alan and congratulations on your abstinence everyday is such an achievement.
You have to take away all the triggers and then no more bullets will fly back at you.im also not telling my partner, I know it’s wrong and I agree it’s cowardly but we are all different and not every situation can have a happy ending but you must must must not gamble again.read my diary if you want to see the torture I’m and others are going through.This is a lifetime decision and can be repaired if never ever fixed but things do get better.
no more gambling is the secret to everything and a bit of acceptance of what’s done is done and sorting the mess out.good luck
Thank you Alan. I really appreciate your reply. You are right I haven’t told anyone not a soul in the 5 years as I am a coward and too scared of the consequences. My parent are fantastic but they would not understand this, and my husband is amazing but it literally kills me inside thinking about telling him. I know I need to I have thought about this for so long, you are also right about handing over the finances 100% right. If I can get over one payday where I spend it just on bills and not gambling I know this will give me such drive to keep going. Thanks again Alan and congratulations on your abstinence everyday is such an achievement.
You have to take away all the triggers and then no more bullets will fly back at you.im also not telling my partner, I know it’s wrong and I agree it’s cowardly but we are all different and not every situation can have a happy ending but you must must must not gamble again.read my diary if you want to see the torture I’m and others are going through.This is a lifetime decision and can be repaired if never ever fixed but things do get better.
no more gambling is the secret to everything and a bit of acceptance of what’s done is done and sorting the mess out.good luck
Hi again both :)) .
I once again reiterate that it's not an issue with me how anyone wishes to handle their recovery and that includes telling or not telling those closest to us as I understand completely just how difficult that is , what I will say though through time spent here having this conversation many times over is that " Gambling does thrive on secrecy " just as with any other addiction , that's not a judgement BTW as I'm by no way in a position to do that but that very act can be key to the way you go through life whatever the outcome .
Still wishing you both well though in your chosen ways forward .
Alan :))
Agree unconditionally Alan, it’s a personal choice we all regret not making when we had the chances.
I wish so much I hadn't had to tell wife everything, but I'm so glad I told my wife.
I hope to god I never have to have that conversation with her again... But with people on board in my recovery now I feel like I have a fighting chance this time.
I shouldn't have trusted myself before (hence all the relapses)... Could I trust myself now? Who knows... Not me anyway, so I dont take the chance.
As Mr A9 told me at the time, it was the last punt I may ever had to make, and it paid off thank god. She stuck around, consequently my son stuck around... It was like getting a lifetime of payouts in one go. All the lost money can go to hell... I got out with what was most dearest to me.
My heart breaks for those who are/were not as fortunate as me.
Gambling addiction is an insidious disease.
Not telling your husband is taking away his informed choices and leaves him living a lie. It also leaves you free to justify further gambling to yourself. Making yourself accountable to someone else makes it very much harder for you to gamble in secret. I've been in your husband's position and I can near guarantee he'd rather know now than at some indefinite point down the line. He's going to find out. Telling him puts you in control of how that happens.
Yes I know all of this thank you for your reply.
I admire you for telling you wife, very much so. I know my husband would support me by not leaving or ending our marriage, he is a kind and wonderful man, but the only thing I worry about is that he didn’t know how to deal with my anxiety or depression, so I have dealt with that for years on my own. It isn’t that he doesn’t want to help but he just likes to try and ignore issues like these. This is in some way the reason why I haven’t told him. I know he would be understanding but then it would get swept under the carpet like everything else.
anyway I know regardless it’s his right to know what’s going on. I need to build up the courage here.
Hi again , On your original post you said how gambling had made you feel in many different way's and all this coupled with anxiety and depression as well ? would you not think that actually telling your OH would maybe make some of these feelings disappear ? I know you said he's not comfortable handling these thing's but it's about you and making you a better person and what makes you tick or not as the case maybe also ? .
I know as the Monty python guy's would say " Nobody expects the spanish inquisition "and again I'm not judging just asking really from an interested point of view ?
No telling him would not make these feelings disappear as I have had mental heath issues long before I ever had a gambling problem. From when I went to counselling they thought it was my mental health that caused the gambling to a degree, as I was using it as a means to escape and block out my true feelings. Saying that I know being able to quit for good would make a big difference in my emotions, that is what would help my mental Health, not telling my husband. I would be telling my husband as I feel he has a right to know, and deserves to know. Don’t worry I don’t take offence to any posts at all. This was just meant to be a diary I could vent everything on, but I appreciate everyone’s replies and advice very much.
Thanks for taking it as it was meant 🙂
You obviously know yourself well enough to make your own judgement call's on how you want to handle things and thanks for your honesty .
Your right about being able to vent your thought's and feelings here BTW , even if it means nothing to anyone else just the mere fact of getting it out there and off of your chest or mind can make things seem easier to deal with .
When I start bending the ear of my diary everyone tend's to put there fingers in their ears these day's which probably sums up why I put the last two diary's in the big gamcare cyber bin :(( .
Anyway enough of the interrogation for one night and I'll leave you in peace .
Look after you and keep posting :))
Alan
Hello Liveinhope35
Thank you for sharing your story on the GamCare forum. Sounds like you've taken some steps to prevent yourself gambling but the pull is very strong. It's good that you've signed up to Gamstop, but there are also ways to prevent yourself from opening gambling sites and apps at all, even the international ones. If you call us on the GamCare helpline 0808 8020 133 or chat to us on the NetLine, we'll give you a url that gives you access to an app called Gamban for free.
If you don't feel able to block yourself completely at the moment, you can still talk to us on the helpline or access our 1:1 treatment options. We will work with you and what you feel able to do right now.
Keep posting,
Forum Admin
So after getting over a terrible virus (I feel my immune system packed up a lot with the stress gambling caused) I have had a petty good week. I got payed from my second job on Friday and usually I would gamble the lot away 5 minutes after I got the money. This week I knew it was the kids half term and promised not to do it yet again. I got payed and I sat staring at it thinking what I could do with that £200. Usually gambling it away In 5 minutes Would give me a quick fix, and then On the Saturday I would feel hopeless. I went straight to the cash point and withdrew the £200. I then went out on Saturday and bought my kids the backpacks and shoes they had wanted. The rest I put towards getting tickets to legoland, and also booked the cinema. I felt such a relief that this money had gone to treating the kids, and it amazed me how much I could with this money (I have a full time job, but this is an extra job for pocket money) you forget when you are a compulsive gambler the value of money. To me £200 on a casino screen was nothing more than an hours slot play. I haven’t gambled for 11 days so this is completely fresh for me, I have such a long road ahead. But I am proud of this little triumph. I haven’t spent my weekly money on anything but gambling for 2 years! I hope I can do the same on payday. I have moved all my direct debits to the day I get payed, and the rest I am going to withdraw and keep as cash. Next Friday is going to be a big big test for me so I am hoping so much I can have the strength I did this Friday.
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