Never thought I'd write a diary post but here I am. Some of you know me from group chats.
It's been a crazy month for me. One I'll never forget in my lifetime. Life changing.
Ive been gambling for 4 years. I racked up a huge amount of debt I'm still paying off. A month ago I had savings that I worked really hard to save by limiting my gambling to only £50 every few days (in comparison to my big spends this was nothing). At this point in my life, When I lost roulette it didnt matter and when I won I paid off my credit cards. Things were going good for me since I got engaged in october, I won some money and wanted to begin my wedding plans. I thought It was under control and that gambling can be played responsibly, but then my life flipped 180.
It was pay day on the 23rd I thought about how much money I need for the wedding, to move out in December 2020 and how much debt I was in. I was doing well with gambling although I gambled all the time it had been a while since I lost control. "I'm engaged now I have responsibilities it wont get out of hand. Let me just cancel my deposit limit and deposit a little higher. I'll win and pay for my wedding dress" I thought. A deposit of £100 become £200, this became £400,500,600.. I ended up losing all my savings and my new wage for the month literally within 15 minutes.
I felt low with losses before, theres times I would literally curl up and just stare into space from what I just did.. but this time it was something else. Like I was living in a dream. I vomited all night from stress thinking about the wedding and how I was going to pay the Bills this month. Luckily I paid off my credit card last month so I was back to living off my credit to get me through the month.
The next day I sold my jewellery got £100 gambled again..and lost. The day after I got some money gambled again..and lost. Something inside me snapped. After every loss even though I hated the feeling I never wanted to stop gambling i always wanted to chase my losses. But this time I felt the need to WANT to stop gambling. I didnt want to chase my losses. My physical effects were too strong to ignore. Vomiting, bad stomach and severe shaking- enough is enough. I blocked everything in every single way possible. This took me 4 years to do.
5 days have passed and I have no urges and I'm certain I wont gamble again. Im stressed about money but Something changed inside me..time for a fresh start. If I save every penny from now all year I'll still get married and still have my perfect marriage. My debts will still get paid by 2022 if I continue the monthly payments and everything will be ok.
But something happened the next morning. Some may say this is a coincidence some may say everything happens for a reason , I dont know. My fiance met up with me and the dreaded words came from his mouth "I dont want to get married anymore". Not just that but he doesnt want me anymore! (Fiance didn't know about gambling and he didnt have a clue either). What was going to be the beginning of a new chapter is now the end of the book for me. He gave me no legit reason but just that it's not for him. I'm embarrassed to tell my family and friends. I have no motivation no goals no nothing at the moment. I still dont want to gamble but I have no emotion anymore. Counselling has started and the group chats help but otherwise nothing matters. I want him back more than having my debt solved. It's a weird feeling but it made me realise he was the only reason I continued gambling, to help our future.
On top of that my parents have been arguing at home possibly even divorcing and this gives me severe anxiety which stems from childhood issues growing up in argumentative househould. My 2 worst nightmares are coming true.
This is the week I stopped gambling. I always thought it would be after I won £10000s back, paid off all my debts and had the man of my dreams and lived happily ever after, but it's the opposite. I'm sad, lonely, anxious and have no hope for the future and who knows what's in store for me anymore. I dont know which problem to think about I dont know what I want I dont know how I feel. I need help.
Thanks to anyone who read through this long post.
Thank you for sharing your post on the Forum.
It sounds like you are a having a tough time with the breakdown of your relationship along with the anxiety you are feeling surrounding your parents.
Well done for not gambling in the last 5 days and that the urges seem to have eased. I recognise that you are feeling very isolated and lacking motivation and hope for the future and that must be hard.
I am pleased that the counselling and chatroom are helping you.
Please feel free to contact the HelpLine on 0808 8020 133 or the NetLine to discuss what further support we could offer you. We are here 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.
Hi. I'm sorry to read that life isn't working out how you planned, but I did pick up on one thing. You said you're sad, lonely and anxious and have no hope for the future. It's okay to be sad and anxious, you've just been through a break up and that's never nice, but I disagree about having no hope. It's the one thing you do have. You have hope because you want to put gambling down and with hope you have all your life and the adventures in front of you.
How many times have I seen couples who split and meet other people and suddenly life seems perfect. Time and time again.
I know it's probably not what you want to read but you've got your whole life in front of you.
I'm so sorry to hear your story talk about life turned upside down. I wish I could say something that would make it all what you had and want again in life. You must be feeling like nothing's going right in your life and if it was all down to gambling I would try to advise you but with everything else going on in your life I don't know what to say. I will definitely say stay away from gambling as you could just use it as a crutch and end up thinking that it doesn't matter anymore when it does. Things will turn round for you I can't say when but I know they will I bet all you want is answers from your ex. I so hope your mum and dad get things sorted as you don't need that aswell at this moment. I've had a really terrible time lately that I really believed I wouldn't get through, I won't say I'm through it but its getting easier just that little bit each day taking one day at a time. Just remember things can get better one day at a time. I really wish you well and hope you get by
Its a positive step posting your story and starting a diary as it’s a good way to record your progress and gets lots of support and encouragement on your gamble free journey. I think it helps a lot getting your feelings out and writing them down - I have certainly found it helpful.
Life can be cruel and often kick us when we are already down but you have made a very important decision to stop gambling and although it doesn’t feel like it now, you have so many possibilities for your future being gamble free. Opportunities you wouldn’t have if you’d continued to gamble. Even in the darkest situations there is always hope to be found. Sometimes we can’t always feel the hope but that’s why it’s important to get the support and talk to others that remind us of the hope each day. It takes time to heal and to rediscover yourself after gambling and traumatic life events but eventually when you get past it, these things will make you stronger.
For now, don’t worry about having big, long term goals or what the future looks like, just focus on looking after yourself and putting one foot in front of the other, taking one day at a time. Just know your future is already looking better without gambling having a place in it.
Lastly, you know where I am if you want to chat anytime. Hope you’re okay.
Just wanted to say thanks to those who got back to me with their advice. I appreciate every single word you guys say. I guess I do have 'hope' more then I realise as I still want to continue not gambling in Hope for a better future. I know I'll get there eventually but going to be a tricky few months.
Lively ❤ you have been fab. It's going to be tough but like you all said but I'm going to take it a day at a time and not focus on the future too much yet. This morning was hard as my ex fiance blocked me off all social media so gave me a wake up call that hes not thinking about us sorting things and hes ready to walk away without having a mature chat. So I need to do I same.
I told my dad about the break up too this morning and its helped them to stop arguing for the time being, knowing I have my own problems going on.
Group chat was nice this afternoon with some regular chat members I really think the group and the people I talk to on there has helped me the most out of anything else so far.