I went to Football. I dodged the guy that sells the raffle tickets. My team lost as per usual. We haven't won in so long I have forgotten what winning feels like. Um, I went to the pub, I drank alot. I went home, made some good food, drank alot more. It feels great to drink and not be triggered to gamble. I can't believe how good it feels to just have a good time and not make a mess. I am going to bed now. My Hubby says my eyes look nice like happy and sparkly. I dunno if he's just squiffy but I think I know what he means. Like I'm my old me again.
See you tommorow.
Quiet day today. Very rough this morning. Hubby slept till after lunchtime so I made the dog jump on the bed to wake him up. It was funny. Made me giggle.
Watched the cricket. That was epic. Can't believe that innings by Stokes. Top man.
Had a healthy tea. Salad with loads of veg. to make up for being messy yesterday.
I went to my cleaning job to check how bad I did on Friday. It wasn't too bad, just had to tickle some desks with a duster and it looked fine. I didn't have to do that but my conscience made me.
Gonna watch a movie now and then hit the hay. I am going up the sculpture park with some friends tommoz for a Pokemon thing. We're gonna take some tinnies and a picnic. I've bought some pop cos I'm driving.
My friend had to work today so we put back the trip to the park for a couple of hours. I paid for the parking online £6.50 for 1-2 hours. He messaged me at 1 to say he'd finished work and was off home to pick up the Mrs and they'd see me at the park for 2-2.30. Me and Hubby got there at 2.30. They arrived at 3.
We played some Pokemon. Cos my friend worked they didn't bring any food but I made enough to feed all four of us. I don't really rate sculptures. Like welding together bits of metal and plonking it in a beautiful park, it just isn't my definition of art. There were one or two life pieces of the human form that were cool but baubles on an iron tree was weird. Hubby hated the walking cos of his COPD and the fact the rules said the dog had to be on a lead and she is a chore to walk on a lead, she pulls like mad. I nearly came home early because of his sulking but I didn't cos that would've ruined my friends day.
The raids in Pokemon were at awkward times and we ended up staying longer than planned. Didn't win any battles. Came home and logged on to the site to pay for more parking and I'm thinking, if I pay for another 1-2 hours will they just take that as a duplicate of the 1-2 hours and not a cumulative 4 hours? What if I get a mega parking fine, I can't afford that! So I just paid for all day parking for £12.00 but put it on my credit card. Hubby would go mad if he knew I did that even though it is my money. He's miffed that he thinks we paid an extra £6.50. Bit of an expensive walk around a park. Could've gone out for lunch for what I've paid in parking. I won't go there again. Still, it's nice to hang out and my picnic food was well received and I did get some sunshine which is good for my arthritis.
Funny how precious I am about parking money and I would've spent that in seconds playing slots. Div.
Anyway, I'm gonna watch some cop shows and go to bed.
Been a nice bank holiday weekend. It's a long time till we get another so I'm glad I saw some friends and hung out.
Worked from home today. Finished at 4.30. Hubby wanted to go to the pub. Didn't get him out till 7.30 and then went to the cleaning jobs. Did okay. The boss called and I'm lumbered with covering someone elses job cos she's gone sick. It's not too far away so I'll do the usual ducking and diving to fit it all in. Hubby won't be happy but given he's just paid £70 off his credit card that I have to find, he'll have to wind his neck in.
I'm WFH tommoz aswell and I have counselling. I will have to find time to grab a bite to eat somewhere in my day.
Least it's only 3 days till the weekend again.
I start studying again week after next. I really have to be more assertive with my boss and hubby.
I don't know why I can't say no.
Hello kind lady. I hope your counselling session goes well today.
Full of admiration for all you have achieved during the past 8 weeks. You are really focused and have a great attitude.
I am 4 weeks behind you on this adventure and am 100 zillion % determined to be finished with gambling.
Captain Calmer Drama Llama on a ship that's in full sail
Her First Mate is a dog who runs and wags his tail
This heroine has changed her ways and now is gamble free
A lady of great character whose open eyes can see
The future calls her name and her heart beats loud and strong
She's 4 weeks up ahead of me but I'll keep tagging along
I had a horrible end to the day. Big fight with Hubby. He was scary mad. I was trying to talk with him about what I talked with the counsellor about and somehow he heard me talking about us being individuals that are in a marriage and do stuff together but it's okay to do stuff apart as me wanting a divorce and not to be with him anymore. His reaction was extreme to say the least. His body language was full on tense and he just kept having a go. Like it didn't matter what I said. I was trying to give him examples of when he's done stuff as an individual or made it difficult for me to do stuff just cos he doesn't wanna do it and he was just getting more and more mad. I chatted with the gamcare people online about it. Hubby wanted to know what I was doing online which is fair enough because of my gambling but I had to tell him and then he got mad like I'm telling people that my gambling is his fault and that's absolutely not true at all. I said he does have an effect on me but how I react is 100% on me. Not him and I'm not telling anyone it's his fault. He went up and down stairs a few more times and the dog was upset so then he said we needed to calm it for the dog and now he's my friend again but oh my gosh. What a carry on. I can't be ar**d talking anymore cos it just causes Drama.
I don't want to divorce my Husband. I love him so much. He's my best friend. I want different things as a 40 year old than I may have wanted as a 17 year old but I'm still just me.
Gosh I am tired.
I did 5.5 hours cleaning after 7 hours work plus a counsellor visit. It's been a very long day.
Moff to bed.
I am glad that I chatted with the online person rather than finding a way to gamble.
I went up to bed last night about 1 a.m eventually. Hubby was asleep diagonally across the bed but on top of the clothes so I couldn't even crawl in a little bit. This left me with a dilema cos I thought if I go in the spare room or sleep on the couch, he'll think I'm carrying on the argument so I just grabbed a pillow and slept on the floor in the bedroom. He woke me at some point in the night all concerned like but at least he realised it's cos of how he was sleeping and not cos I hated him or ought.
I worked from home today cos I was knackered. I didn't feel very well this morning. I had terrible tummy cramps (lady pains) but I was sweating and shaking like a leaf aswell. Like someone having DT's or summat. Hubby offered to make me some toast but I am not hungry. I have only eaten two slices of toast in the last two days which is prolly why I'm not so good but I can't eat if I'm not hungry, it's like my throat doesn't work and I can chew and chew but not swallow. Anyway, I'm sure my appetite will come back next week, this isn't unusual for me at that time of the month.
I did my 3 cleaning jobs tonight and then went to the park with the dog. A lady from the gamcare helpline called me to see if I was okay and we chatted for a bit about last night. She was very nice. It feels nice that they care but also bad that I made them worry. We left it that I am safe cos I am and that I will chat with my counsellor lady next week about what happened and we can figure out whether I did ought wrong with my approach to talking about stuff. I don't think I did but I'll save all that chat for her. She has a good way of figuring stuff out.
Um.....Hubby is thinking about doing a cleaning job. Just a little one but that's good. Show's some of what I said was heard.
I am deffo going to the office tommoz. My house is a mess cos Hubby normally cleans up when I go to the office. He hates when people do housework when he is doing summat so applies the same logic to me and doesn't like to hoover or put the washing or ought on incase he disturbs me but quite frankly, I just like a nice clean house and I grew up with a mother that never stopped cleaning so the noise never bothers me. Anyway, I'll go to work and he can catch up on the chores.
My dog is happy. She's had a walk in the park and I gave her some bacon as a treat when we got home.
Gonna get an early night.
I had a good day at the day job. I spent it shadowing a lady whilst she did her job and I don't think she appreciates the depth of her knowledge, seems a bit unsure of her own abilities but I learned alot.
The cleaning boss lumbered me with two more hours of work somehow. I really can't explain how but I ended up just doing it. I came home knackered and Hubby has been so good and nice. We've had a great end to the evening. I managed to talk to him about some important stuff and he didn't freak out like he did the other night. That was really special. I know I'm saying stuff without really saying ought but it's cos it's personal. Anyway, it was nice to get my point across and have it heard and accepted without him reacting crazy.
I feel really close to him. This is great!
Moff to bed now cos it's super late.
Today I slept in. I forgot to take my pills but my appetite came back so maybe it's more related to that than being a woman. I dunno. I decided to just leave it and take them tomorrow instead.
I ate some scrambled egg on toast and a ham sandwich and reckon my body is happy cos I haven't had the shaky inside feeling that I've had for the last few days.
My team lost again. 500 days since we last won on a Saturday. We suck. I don't even know why I like football anymore.
Hubby is gonna take my gambling blocker off the computer because it won't let me play Youtube and I really like Youtube. I only asked him to do this because I feel safe. I know it's early days but I really do feel safe and I miss listening to music and watching movies on Youtube. Hubby is okay with it cos he says he prefers me not to be restricted and prefers to trust me. I told him though that if I say put it back on, can you not moan and just trust that I need you to do that? and he was like yeah of course, that's cool. So that's good.
The program has a setting to allow/dis-allow apps and all I asked him to do was allow You-Tube but he's totally okay with removing the whole thing and I don't believe I need it with the GamBan thing I have going.
I worked two cleaning jobs today and I got really miffed at the awful woman at one job moaning that I hadn't done the window sills. I wrote a note to say I do it every day because you keep writing me notes but I would like to point out that you vent the aircon through this open window and the floor is littered with leaves and dust and detritus from the main road that you are next to and it is clearly that that is causing the muck on the sills. Of course I will wipe them but it's not like I'm not doing it every night. I've had it with her and her petty notes. When I took this job on the place was a state. The lad that worked here before didn't get half the notes I do and I keep it nice. I have had it with being nice.
Hubby wants me to change my number and not give my new number to my cleaning boss. I don't believe that is practical. He's gonna need it for something or other. I am thinking about what he's said and nearly phoned three today to change it but stopped cos I have a trip to Bolton this week for work and would need to message too many people and risk not catching my ride if they didn't get my number. It's silly. I should just be better at saying no. That is all.
I went to the pub tonight to say a final farewell to this lassie that is leaving for Devon tommoz. She's the salt of the earth. I really will miss her. We went at 10. She wasn't there by 10.30 and I knew she was shooting a movie thing so I said to Hubby it just ran over so don't worry about it. They arrived at 10.45 when I was ready to leave cos I was driving so only had one beer but we stayed cos it's like, I dunno when I'll see her again so I was happy to just hang with my mates. It was the best night. Good company and everyone was happy to be together but sad it's the last time we'll see her for a while.
Um, that is all.
No gambling thoughts. I am happy that Hubby is trusting me again. I feel like I deserve that cos I've worked really hard at this recovery thing so far. He's kissing me like he means it and he's listening when I talk.
Gosh I hope this continues.
I made a great roast dinner today. Gammon and Roast Chicken with Stuffing and Apple Sauce. Veggies were Roasted Potatoes and Roasted Carrots and Cauliflower Cheese and White Cabbage with Butter and White Pepper. Deffo got my appetite back with a bang. It was lush.
We watched the North London Derby and a draw was a fair result. Hubby was happy cos he thought his team was gonna lose. He took me to the park after and he walked the dog whilst I played Pokemon. It was really chilly and my fingers started playing up cos of Arthritis so we packed in and went to the pub.
I stopped by chat but didn't feel really chatty so left.
My best mate has sorted a cottage in Whitby for me her and our partners for a weekend in October. It's only £140 for all 4 of us (through her family friends). I have booked the Friday and Monday off both jobs already. It'll be awesome to get out of Town for a bit.
My next Uni module opens on 11th September. I wanna get a head start so am gonna try really hard not to do any extra work.
That is all. Gonna watch a movie and get an early night cos I'm tired.
Hope you are all well.
I was sposed to see my counsellor today or so I thought. It's my fault. I messed up my calendar and asked her to switch next Wednesday for Monday when it should have been this week. This week I'm working in Bolton so I can't do Wednesday. She isn't free to swap now so I just had to blob. I feel bad. It's been lovely going to talk to her and I feel sad that I messed up.
I did some good work today in the day job. I think so, we'll see what my bosses boss thinks cos I submitted it to her. Hopefully she's happy.
I knew my cleaning boss was gonna ask me to do a job for someone who has gone away for a month because I just know by now that he will. Thing is he didn't know that I knew this lad was going away for a month. I told Hubby and he turned into Hitler and took my phone and he dealt with the calls from my boss and the lad whos place it is and from the lad who my boss was trying to get to cover mine and Hubby just told them all in no uncertain terms that I am not doing it. Then when I went to drop the keys off at this place, Hubby came and sure enough my boss was there and so Hubby took them over and told him to leave me alone.
Not sure I'm gonna keep my job after that. This could be bad. I mean I'm working illegal hours because I have to but if I lose the job who else is gonna give me a job on top of a full time one? I have been stressed and shaky since this all happened cos I still have 3.3 years left to pay on my DMP and I can't afford to lose my job. I am not cross with Hubby cos this guy is having a laugh. I told him last week that this week I can't do anything different and he knew damned well he was gonna try and circumvent my wishes and give my job away to someone else. He deserved to get told by Hubby. Also, I'm a wuss and should do this stuff myself.
My friend that I'm driving to Bolton with in the morning was sick all last night and took the day off. He's not a sick note, I don't doubt that he is actually sick but I'm really worried about spending the next 3 days with him if it's something viral cos of my immune disease. I have no chance of not getting it if it's viral and I cannot not go and do this review. It kind of all rests on my shoulders to show the others what to do.
Oh, and this is really silly but I read my stars this morning and it said I'm gonna get found out about something and I've been really anxious about what it's gonna be. It's not real! It's hocus pocus but I 100% feel like I'm gonna get found out for being a horrid degenerate compulsive gambler. I really need to stop reading the stars. I let what they say affect my mood too much.
Why do I have to login so much on this site? It's annoying. Every other site remembers your login details but this one I'm constantly having to re-input my Login and Password and I've had to change it several times just to get back in cos I can't always remember it. I've written the password down in my book of work passwords but when I'm tired after work and just wanna update my diary it becomes a massive chore to go find where I dumped my work bag to retrieve the password and log in. I just don't need it tbh.
Anyway, that aside....today wasn't a bad day. I have 60 days gamble free. This feels like an important milestone. I haven't gambled in a month, wrecked the bills, fixed them and then done the same again next month. I've gone two whole months without making a mess. I feel like this recovery is really happening. It's a great positive for me.
I went to Bolton today for a work thing. I had a shower, put on a fab dress and knee high socks and cute boots. Hubby took me up to the roundabout near the motorway and my old boss picked me up from there. It was a good ride. The office was in the football stadium with a view over the pitch. I loved that. I love all things football. Even though it's not my team. I'm super glad Bolton have been saved. It's a nice place. Me and my boss went for coffee at a Costa and he bought me a Cappuccino with Chocolate on top. I love that. The review went okay. I didn't do many files but felt the work I did do was quality. When asked for my input about the length of the review I voted for 3 days rather than the 2 that everyone else was hoping because I think that's what it needs to do a proper job. I could do without the extra day but doing a good job is important to me. Everyone accepted what I said so that was good.
I gave my friend from work a paint by numbers kit that I bought her a while back. It's been a while since we've been in the same place to see each other but a while back she mentioned that she likes painting but her friends and family took the mickey out of her efforts. I didn't like that. If someone is having harmless fun, why take that away from them. I said to try paint by numbers as you can do really cool pictures and learn the techniques whilst doing them and grow in confidence to try your own stuff. She was really suited with it. I am happy.
I went to my first cleaning job tonight and talked with the office manager about my troubles with boss last night. She said that she's talked with other people about me and they want me to work for them directly. She wants me to get a copy of my contract and check it doesn't have a no-compete clause and if it doesn't then I can just get employed by them.
It means I'll only have one cleaning job for 10 hours a week but me and Hubby have discussed it and with some lifestyle changes, we can manage on one extra wage. I'm going to get the contract and explore this option. It's for the best all round really. I can't keep living these extreme ups and downs that come with the current situation.
I have two more days of travelling to Bolton so I'm off to bed now.
G'nite Godbless all.
Still haven't taken my pills. I am useless.
Last day in Bolton. Last early start for a few days. I did a good job. We fed back details of the report and other people really struggled for positives but I told them some really great stuff I'd seen. Maybe it's an audit thing but people always look for the bad. I'm glad we had a good exit meeting.
I got stuck on the motorway for 3.5 hours on the way home. It was shut because someone died in an RTA so I find I don't worry about the effect on me cos someone else is having a much worse day and someone somewhere is dealing with awful news tonight.
I got back super late so just did the bins and a few bits at my two cleaning jobs and left them notes to apologise. They didn't look bad cos I've done a decent job the rest of the week.
I am gonna work from home tommoz. Sleep in and log on at 10. I need some rest.
I have been feeling lonely for friendship but it's hard to make time for friends when you are so busy with work. It's just a bad week. All will be well come the weekend.
I also miss my counsellor and offloading and sorting stuff out.
No gambling thoughts at all.
Worked from home today. I say worked. I mostly watched telly. I am super tired still. I remembered to take my pills. Maybe the tiredness is to do with taking them. Or the busy week, I dunno.
I saw my cleaning boss. He wanted to give me another job but I said no. I explained my reasoning in terms of he is gonna lose a customer if he keeps robbing me off of them and he took it seriously and said I can stay where I am. I've been thinking about the offer from the manager of the place I'm doing to get employed by them directly but it will prolly cos me £200 a month and I can't take the hit right now. With the way my Hubby spends money, I can't afford to live on £300 a month as it's too tight a budget. Even if I cut back on stuff, he won't so I have to do this.
o*g get this....last night in my sleep I woke from a nightmare and shouted at Hubby that's he's so lazy. Haha can't be helped. The subconscious says what it says.
I am gonna get an early night. I need to do two cleaning jobs and do some proper work this weekend to catch up from being lazy today.
N'nite from Drama x