Green Bay Packers? NO WAYY! Its American team innit? Still have my favourite mug & a beer glass holder 😂 (bless my good Soulie...a person who used to be active on here!)
Yes, endoscopy sounds like a lovely procedure. Everyone asks me which way the camera will go in...so i was v eager to clarify that nobody will go through the back door lol..d**n that if they try. I will be outta place before they notice.
New hair transformation sounds great. What a coincidence that i will be sitting in that beauty chair in the morning (thats after this nightshift) ..so looking forward to sleep peacefully for a few hours while my highlights will be tended to.
Good to hear you're making progress with your recovery. ..it automatically allows better life too. Our dirty addiction kind of covers it all huh...
..so im.just pleased you're digging deep and keeping yourself safe from temptations.
Stay safe & sound
My Stress Bottle was overflowing today.
I stayed in bed till 8.30a.m. I know it's later than yesterday but I didn't have a report to do so knew I could take a leisurely ride to the office and stop for breakfast. I got a bacon, mushroom and tomato sandwich. It was very tasty.
I started work at 9.30a.m. My colleague B chatted me. She needed all the review data for x from Nov 1st to date. I was like the tools we have aren't built for that. It's probably possible to get but I can't just think how. She's like N needs it and she needs it like yesterday. I felt the sense of urgency that she gave the request with. I said I'll have a look. I ran some pivot tables in Excel. I couldn't use them to get what she needed so I tackled the raw data. I managed to drill it down and get what she needed but it was knocking on 11 by then.
My boss asked me to update the Dashboard with some new information based on a meeting he'd had.
My teammates were emailing the whole team about giving review feedback and the method they were going to use PDF and wanting to know how to edit PDF's and noone knew how to do it. I did like but they wouldn't just gimme time to finish what I was doing, they were gonna run with the original format without editing it. It's unacceptable to share data with a rubbish redaction method that people can easily remove so I felt hurried to get them told on that. They arranged a call for 2p.m to discuss it. I also pointed out that sharing review 1 data before review 2 has been done is inaccurate and asking for trouble cos the dashboard will always display the review 2 data and this will call into question the integrity of the review.
I feel like I'm the only person in the team that comes from a risk and compliance background and I get rushed into doing stuff all the time to make sure that the team pass any compliance inspections but this is now the second day when I've been busy and haven't got any of my own review work done.
I also spent this afternoon after the call helping people to remote access into a database. The guy giving the access instructions was no help at all. He was drip-feeding the access information but it was like getting blood out of a stone. User I.D but no password, password but no app. App but no root directory. I nearly lost my rag with him.
I went around him to I.T and solved that problem too.
I went on chat at lunch and I swear down my stress bottle was about 9/10 at this point. After chat I went and found somewhere quiet and had a cry. I felt better for it.
Can't remember what the chat mod said. It was summat good but I forgot the advice. I'll speak to Debbie about it.
I left work at 5pm. I only had 30 mins for dinner cos I wanted to leave asap.
I got home knocking on 6pm because of traffic so decided to watch The Chase and just have some peaceful time before going cleaning.
I did both my cleaning jobs to a high standard and just got home now.
I helped the manager at the second job (she was working late on reports). She couldn't figure out how to work out one number as a percentage of another number so I showed her and helped her with some bits and bobs. She was laughing at me alot cos I couldn't get that daft antibiotics song out of my head from the advert. I wish I'd never heard it but it made me chuckle alot at myself too.
All in all, it wasn't a bad day as such. Just being pulled in about 20 directions and I like to plan my days. Getting dumped on time and time again and people rushing important decisions and not listening to me makes me stressed. I am proud that I didn't snap at anybody cos I have a nasty tongue when I get mad.
I am confident I can catch up on my own work and more than anything, I am pleased I am WFH tommoz cos I think I need the peace and quiet that I get at home. Hubby can be my teasmaid and look after me.
He looks real worried about me tonight cos I've had to put Gel on my hands and knees cos they hurt. Hands maybe 3/10 but knees are 7/10. Hopefully they calm down now I'm off my feet.
Pain helps me stay mindful. Can't help but stay in this present moment when stuff hurts. Stops me worrying about ought.
Spose that's good.
Gamble Free Drama Llama
My stars today said summat about D being an important letter. I guessed it was just cos I was seeing Debbie later. Yes, I'm still reading them but only in the fun way that I used to before I obsessed about looking for positive signs to gamble. I don't fixate on them anymore.
I was WFH today. I had agreed with Hubby last night that he would wake me about 8.30a.m and he could put the calor gas heater on in the bedroom and I'd log in from bed. Thing is....he woke me at 7.45a.m and put the electric blanket on his side on. I knew he was fixing to go back to bed. He told me that he'd had a bad nights sleep and I'd been grinding my teeth and carrying on in my sleep. I daren't tell him that I had a dream about former President of the United States of America Barrack Obama took my virginity and that he was a horrible kisser and I didn't like the kissing part. I really did like the other parts though. Let's just let that be our little secret Gamcare folks cos I don't reckon Hubby could cope with my dream cheating on him.
Anyways so I had to get up and cos of getting in from work late last night I just had zero energy in the tank.
I have done nothing productive today. I have rested and enjoyed myself though. I will catch up even if I have to do it on the weekend.
I went up the cashpoint this morning and stopped in at my favourite charity shop. I didn't buy ought but I enjoyed the browse. I got a sausage and fried onion and brown sauce butty which I shared with my dog. She has been my best mate ever since.
I went to see Debbie this aft. I had no real Drama's to share with her which is unusual. I was calm and relaxed and I answered zero on the question sheet about gambling. That was cool. My emotional wellbeing sheet was pretty cool too. I have support. I feel valued. I am not panicky. Alsorts of good stuff.
I told her about my ^>v game and my one positive, one gratitude thing. I explained my reasons for doing these things. Like I love this site. I know 100% I wouldn't be here now if I hadn't had all of you guys supporting me but it's hard work checking in sometimes. Newbies intro's are all soul destroying. You know the pain they are going through cos you've been there many times. You read the ups and downs of recovery diaries and celebrate peoples victories but they are all about overcoming gambling. So overall, everything is about gambling and it keeps your brain on it. I said that I wanna stay here and contribute but I wanna chat about other stuff too so my plan was to give us chance to do that and I feel like it's working.
That's when she told me I am self-aware. I told her that I'd heard that on Gamcare Helpline before but I didn't understand it. I thought everyone was self-aware. It doesn't make sense. She's like some people are addicted but don't know they have a problem. If you don't know you have a problem then you can't begin to fix it so like the fact that I know things like I abuse alcohol when I am angry or upset means I can change that behaviour. It was a real eye-opener. I get it now. I am self-aware. I get it. I know the bad things I do and I do want to change them.
We went through the application form for the gambling clinic and she made notes and stuff about things I said but she let me read them. I scored 8 on this scale thing which put me at the lower bracket of a problem gambler cos I've had 6 months of mostly doing pretty good. I'm happy with that.
I kinda thought I wasn't doing so good after Christmas but when you look at the year as a whole it's not so bad.
I am a problem gambler. I don't wish to gamble even for fun again. I am done with it. I know people have spells of bad times, get over it and can go back to normal but I don't wanna run the risk. I am just done.
Oh, the D's. Debbie gimme a sheet which I neglected to bring home about the three D's. Summat like Delay, so if you get an urge delay acting on it by 10, 20, 30 minutes. Distract, go for a walk and Deliberate which is essentially doing a pro's and con's list of why to gamble and why not to gamble. I didn't bring the sheet home. I didn't forget it on purpose but I think maybe I'm not so invested in that technique since I have Boo's Pop Up technique. My brain is a super computer. If a gambling thought pops up, it can pop off again cos I don't have to think about it.
So that ties in with the letter D thing from Septic Peg this morning I think.
After counselling I took Hubby to the pub like normal. I fed him some pie first and after a pint he was super sleepy so I took him home.
Then I went and did my two cleaning jobs in quick time cos I done them real well last night so there wasn't a massive lot to do.
I stopped in chat briefly tonight. It was nice.
That is all.
I got to work for 9.30a.m. I dumped my car in Sainsbury's and walked on to work as I didn't have any change to feed the meter in the council car park. I had a BLT w/cheese for brekkie.
I had a very productive morning. Got two reviews done. Looked up and it was nearly 1 P.m. Great! I'd forgotten about my car. It's not the first time I've done this. Shall look forward to that £40 fine hitting my doormat in the next couple of weeks.
I phoned Hubby and told him I'd made a boo boo. He's like can you stop making boo boo's. You're always working but we never have any money. I'm like....yes dear.
I had a good afternoon and got two more reviews done.
I worked OT tonight for a couple of hours to get that dosh for the fine. I won't get paid it till Feb but at least I'm in a roundabout way not really outta pocket. I will be working super late now though for my cleaning job.
I got rid of a thing that was giving me a certain amount of anxiety related to gambling but I don't wanna go into details cos I find often people do that innocently but it can give other people ideas. So I'm doing that. Just documenting it for diary purposes.
My cleaning boss called today to say that the manager at job no. 1 isn't happy with my cleaning of the doors and paper towel dispensers and she's constantly having to remind me. I'm like funny that, cos she's never said a word to me. I wipe them every night so it's just summat to say I reckon. She wants to bin off his services cos he charges too much so I reckon it's just noise to make her feel better when she does find someone cheaper. Then she can go back to sticky floors and mucky windows and just filth everywhere. My clean is super.
I told him I'd sort it and leave a note in the book for her. I'm not helping with her work next Tuesday. She can bog off.
I'm doing a couple more hours OT tommoz for that parking fine and then I can get rid of the guilt that I carry when I mess up. I do hold onto it and it makes me feel bad so soonest it's done then soonest I can forget about it.
I had Chinese Chicken Curry and Egg Fried Rice for dinner. It was nice.
Gonna have to think what I'm feeding Hubby tonight.
Moff to work.
Oh this will make you laugh! I signed up to be a health and wellbeing rep at work.
It's not another thing to do on top of work, I will allowed to do it in work mode. I thought if I'm in charge of arranging events and information and stuff and people taking care of themselves and being well and that then just maybe I'll take better care of myself!
God loves a trier!
Really really....off to work!
3 weeks gamble free.
I WFH today. Hubby putting the heater on in the bedroom and woke me up with tea and my pills. I logged on from bed. Casual start....just what the Doctor ordered.
I got double reviewed on one of my files and this lassie picked the bones out of it so I rejected her comments. She hasn't replied. It was a tough file and I worked on it for the best part of 3 days so I'm just not having it. I don't mind constructive feedback but it feels like what I got was just nit-picking. We'll see what comes of my rejection. It's gone for arbitration. I imagine I'll win. I usually do.
I had a bath and put a clean tracksuit on. I went to my hair appointment for 1p.m. It was a real lovely little lass doing it. The shampoo and condition was the best bit. I felt really relaxed. Also, she was confident with the sectioning the hair and good comb and scissor skills but she didn't half rag my head about when she was blow drying and brushing it with a round brush. It really hurt. I have a high tolerance for pain so didn't say ought. She was scared of cutting my fringe. The lady teaching her made her do it though. I said I was perfectly happy for her to do it and not to worry. It's pretty long and I only wanted rid of the straggly bits so I knew she couldn't really mess it up. She was shaking though.
My hair is still super long (like half way down my back) and with a fringe but it looks healthy and shiny after the cut. I only had to pay a fiver for the cut cos it was a college kid but I gave her a fiver and told her to get a drink after work (or whatever). She seemed super grateful and for a brief moment I had a glimpse of the real value of money from the eyes of an innocent. Made me feel humble.
My hair appointment didn't end till 3 cos she was slow. I phoned work and told my boss I wasn't dead. I was just late. Didn't want him panicking. I went to Sainsbury's for some bits and Greggs for snacks and met Hubby at the pub. We had far too many beers for me to be productive when I logged back onto work so I basically owe an afternoons work to the day job now.
I went and did my big clean and left the smaller one for Sunday. I will do OT tommoz like normal and then do the same again Sunday just to make up for this afternoon.
I am tired now. Gonna go get some sleep.
Glad to see Murlo out and about again.
I wish I could tell Boo how influential her pop-up idea has been in my recovery. I don't have to dwell on any thoughts. It's real good. Not sure I can put into words the difference a change of thoughts on the matter has been.
Anyway, as Boo says N'nite and Bless.
I feel like I messed up.
Hubby got me up early this morning with tea and toast and my pills. I spent the morning in bed. I logged onto work from bed and made up for yesterday afternoon. I feel better about that. For making up for not being a good employee and spending the afternoon getting my hair done and being in the pub.
I went to Football for 3.10 P.m. I would've got there for 3 had it not been for all the charity shops I hit down Town. I found a real lovely bedspread in the Oxfam shop for £6 but couldn't possibly take that to the game.
I enjoyed the Football. My team played well and 4 newbies got a turn on the pitch. They all did pretty well and it's good to see heart and desire on the pitch again.
After Football, I was freezing and in pain but I made it to the Oxfram shop to get my bedspread and a green and white checked super dry shirt.....because why not?
I met Hubby at the Supermarket and we called in at the pub for a pint.
This evening I was saying to Hubby about the only thing I miss from my phone is the torch. I miss it cos I use it when I'm doing my eyebrows. He's like, why don't you just use your Iphone torch?
My face must've said it all. I FORGOT I HAVE AN IPHONE!
I then felt super duper guilty.
I was swearing to God that I forgot and he went and got it from under some books on my bedside table. It's dusty, it's out of charge and he says he believes me but in my heart of hearts I worry that he doesn't. I have cried so much. I dunno if I'm crying cos I never thought of it or cos I'm sad that he thinks I was keeping a way open to gamble. Honest I don't.
The truth of the matter is that I did forget about that phone that I had 13 months ago and I never thought of using it at all.
I am just crazy sad now. Cos I've been happy for 3 weeks and this bump in the road has rocked me.
I do not wish to gamble at all. I just wanna know for sure he believes me and I can't be sure now.
He's been real nice since I cried and that. Can't fault him at all.