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My Last Bad Day  

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DramaLlama
(@dramallama)

I was sat watching telly yesterday and to the left I noticed the penny jar, it's where we throw pub change. It is about a foot high and was half full. I decided to change it up at the coinstar machine in Sainsbury's. I got just shy of £30. Absolute game-changer. Had a roast chicken dinner today and I took hubby to the pub. Feels so good to eat some proper food. I did some work yesterday but couldn't face it today. I guess it's important to have a day off every now and then. I watched the cricket world cup. It was awesome! I had a great weekend. Much better than this time last week. Still lots to sort out but I'm feeling optimistic about the future for the first time in a very long time. 

I hope you are all doing well.

G'nite Godbless xoxox

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Posted : 14th July 2019 10:13 pm
DramaLlama
(@dramallama)

My phone isn't working anymore. Hubby is anxious about the state of his bank account. I wonder why he never bothered about the state of my account. These are things I have been dealing with for months by myself. It seems real to him now it's about us and not just me. I know things will be alright. I don't have any urges to do ought bad. Payday Wednesday. It will be alright. 

 

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Posted : 15th July 2019 11:14 pm
Evee1122
(@evee1122)

You blog is really helping me, you sound so much like me, please keep posting, rooting for you xx

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Posted : 16th July 2019 9:33 pm
DramaLlama
(@dramallama)

Thank-you Evee, it feels so good to believe that somebody is in my corner. X

We did not sleep well last night. Hubby has COPD and was coughing and puking and everything associated with that. The bed wasn't comfy either and I don't sleep well if I'm not tucked in. I maybe got 3 hours sleep. I started work at 7a.m and finished my last job at 9.30p.m. I couldn't cope if everyday was like today but I remind myself that it isn't. Tommoz is payday and I can hopefully sort out some of this mess. It's also my first counselling appointment. I'm actually looking forward to it. I have alot to get done in a few short hours tommoz so I'm gonna go sleep now.  

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Posted : 16th July 2019 10:41 pm
Evee1122
(@evee1122)

I hope the counselling went well for you, it's good to talk things through with ppl that dont know u sometimes its easier to talk to strangers.

What I sometimes do on payday is buy gift cards for Tesco then if worse comes to worse at least I have money for food til next pay day, its saved me a few times when things were bad

Dont forget you are not alone xx

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Posted : 17th July 2019 7:18 pm
DramaLlama
(@dramallama)

That's a great idea! I shall do that next time I get paid. It's interesting to me that you say I'm not alone. I feel alone. Like, I know alot of people and have alot of family but there is literally nobody that I trust to tell my about my badness. 

I went to Therapy today and met Debbie. I told her most of my life story. She says I'm normal. That's not a word I'm comfortable with at all and it made me cry alot. I don't feel normal. I don't believe I am normal. However, Debbie says my brain has two parts, the logical and the emotional and right now the emotional is in control. She taught a breathing technique where you breathe in and count to 7 and breathe out and count to 11 or smaller numbers if you don't have the lung capacity but the counting keeps your logical brain active instead of the emotional. I managed about a minute or more before my emotional brain said "HANG ON A MINUTE" and disturbed me. My brain needs training and Debbie is gonna help me with that. 

I have NOT been paid. I am miffed by that. I'm sure it will go in overnight but of all the days it could be late today was the worse. Hubby paid his credit card bill with a small pension annuity payment he gets so we've had use of that. I got some shopping and paid our phone bills. I love having my phone back. I like Netflix and Itunes and I've been lost without them. They pass the time when I'm doing my cleaning jobs. 

I wanna get paid and repay my baby brother. Big sisters aren't sposed to borrow off baby brothers, it should be the other way round so I wanna sort that. 

Today I didn't eat much but I was anxious about therapy. I just had a cheese sandwich and I only had that cos hubby forced me to eat summat. 

Um, that is all I think for now. 

I feel your support. I do not feel like gambling but I am conscious that I rarely do when I'm solving the problems from my last binge. I told Debbie that I didn't believe gambling is an addiction so much as a negative learned behaviour but she told me about the chemicals that your brain releases and an early win can teach your brain that's a good place to get that happy brain chemical fix so I guess it could be that my brain is addicted to them chemicals. I don't know. I just know that I really don't wanna do it anymore. I have been hurting myself and my family. NO MORE! 

G'nite Godbless

xoxoxox

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Posted : 17th July 2019 10:22 pm
Evee1122
(@evee1122)

I hope you got paid today, there is nothing worse than expecting money then not getting it, I know u have spent my wages in my head 500 times before I actually get it.

I will try the breathing exercises they told you about, I have chronic asthma and it sounds similar to what the drs told me to do for that all the times I have been in hospital with it

I am glad you have your phone back, there is an app called Dare I have, it talks you though bad times, it has helped me when my anxiety has been bad

There are no groups anywhere near where I live so I dont have access to a councillor, though I find it hard to talk to people face to face 

Keep strong and just take the days hour by hour

Xxxxx

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Posted : 18th July 2019 11:12 am
DramaLlama
(@dramallama)

I got paid. I paid my catalogue, credit card and I have the money for my brother. I'll get it to him tommoz, it's late now. I will sort out my NHS prescription passport next week when i get my monthly job pay. Car goes in for it's MOT on Tuesday, dear Lord, please let it pass. It's taken a battering last few months so I'm not hopeful. I really really need it to keep running so fingers crossed. 

I might find out about the job I went for tommoz. I hope I get it. I find out about my exam results on Tuesday. (1st year law) so it's like I'm waiting to see about alot of things. I haven't practised any of my breathing I'm sposed to do for my therapy but I'm very busy. It's all I can do to fill in this thread before I got to bed. 

No gambling thoughts at all. Still in the fix it zone but I feel confident cos I've got my Gamstop thing in place that I've put up lots of barriers. I need to give Hubby the cards as they all seem to be in my possession again. 2 x credit cards and 1 x bank card. That's not good really. 

Um. Yeah that is all for now. 

I am tired but happy with my progress in a short space of time. 

N'nite all. xoxoxo

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Posted : 18th July 2019 10:32 pm
DramaLlama
(@dramallama)

I got the job! I don't know if I told you about going for an interview but anyway, I got it! Yes! Start in 4 weeks ish. It's not a promotion as such but a sideways move that I think will be good for my long term career goals. I am happy. 

Roll on Tuesday when my 1st year University exam results come out. Please to God, let me pass. I really don't need any re-sits or do-overs right now. 

I bought some food today. Pork chops, minced meat and a curry and a chilli con-carne. I'm basically food obsessed since being poor so often. I really celebrate having good stuff to eat. Hubby is having a burger tonight and I'm having a Chicken Jalfrezi. 

I saw my baby brother and gave him back the £50 and I got a hug. It was lovely to see him. I wish I had more time to visit people but time is something I just don't have alot of these days. I've robbed myself of my future. That's what it feels like. 3.5 years of potential good memories up the swanny because I couldn't stop gambling and now I have to work 3 jobs for the foreseeable future. 

Oh well, that's a negative and I'll park it as it doesn't help me at all really. 

I have food! Wahoo!!! 

Oh and I told Hubby about signing up for Gamban or whatever that was called for 5 years. I reckon he's happy. He should be, it's a good move. 

 

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Posted : 19th July 2019 9:54 pm
DramaLlama
(@dramallama)

I honest to goodness don't know what to write about today other than I have not gambled. 

I trusted my Husband more than anyone else in the world and he thinks it's okay to do stuff when I'm passed out drunk. (We went out celebrating my job news). He told me all about it this afternoon like it was a jolly jape. It isn't a jolly jape. Consent is important. 

He's rocked my faith in him. 

I don't know if I'm angry or sad or what. 

I'm not gonna do anything. I already know that so what's the point in dwelling on it? 

I dunno. 

What a strange situation to be in. 

I have not gambled and that's my go-to hiding place so that is some good news. 

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Posted : 20th July 2019 10:33 pm
Evee1122
(@evee1122)

Oh bless you! I totally understand when you say you not gonna do anything sp what's the point, I know theres a million ppl that will tell you to do this do that but God knows its never that easy, you are focusing on what you can change and that is you and the gambling and that is epic that you come this far.

You are not alone please have faith in yourself xx

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Posted : 21st July 2019 12:26 am
Forum admin
(@forum-admin)
Admin

Dear @dramallama,

I'm so sorry to read you're going through a difficult time. You are absolutely right that consent is very, very important. Well done for not gambling in difficult circumstances, that's a positive.

Have you since discussed this with you husband at all?

Please feel free to contact one of our advisers if you wish to discuss it further. 0808 802 0133. we are here from 8am - midnight, seven days a week.

Maybe try visiting https://www.womensaid.org.uk/ for some advice

Please take care of yourself. All the very best

Forum admin

 

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Posted : 21st July 2019 11:20 am
DramaLlama
(@dramallama)

I did a lot of work today. You could say I buried myself in it but it's not a bad thing. I got a head start on my week. 

I have not talked with Hubby about the thing beyond what I said on Saturday. It's not okay. I don't wanna hear anymore about it. Consent is important. I believe I got my message across. I've been with this guy since I was 17. I'm 40 now. I'm not gonna abandon a 23 year relationship because he didn't/doesn't understand boundaries. 

If anything like that happened again then I'd have to reconsider but I don't think it will. 

Man knows what side his breads buttered. There aren't many women that would work 3 jobs to keep their family while their other half does nothing at all to bring any money in. 

I spoke with my best friend about it and she has experienced exactly the same thing. See, that shocked me too. Like, how many blokes out there think it's okay to do stuff without permission? Maybe it's a societal problem. 

Anyway, I haven't gambled. I really don't have any urges to do so. I wanna park this horrible period of my life and get back to some semblance of normal. Whatever that looks like. 

 

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Posted : 21st July 2019 7:13 pm
DramaLlama
(@dramallama)

I passed me exams (1st year Law). Wahoo! 

It's been a long day. I woke up with a nightmare at 3.30a.m so I'm going to bed now. I'll think of summat to do at the weekend to celebrate. 

I've just signed up for my first module of my 2nd year. 

I am very happy. 

G'nite x

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Posted : 22nd July 2019 10:02 pm
DramaLlama
(@dramallama)

I drove to the MOT test centre this morning and then walked home with the dog. Took just over an hour. 

I walked back on my own this afternoon at 2.3o on my lunch break and got the car and drove home. Hubby wanted to go to the pub. I took him. 

I did 3 cleaning jobs. Someone was sposed to help me but he decided that he didn't want to and I gave him a lift home and then went back and did it. 

Hubby wanted a pint after I finished work so I took him. I said just one. He had 3. 

I said no when he asked for a fourth because I actually have to sleep and I now owe work 3 hours that I'm gonna have to find somewhere in my schedule. He's in a boo. 

Maybe I haven't been mindful for a while but this behaviour is completely unacceptable. I'm bending over backwards here. 

I guess it comes back to the boundaries thing. I set them, they are broken. 

No point having a barney with a bloke in drink but I will be talking about this tommorow. 

I am knackered. I woke up Monday morning at 3.30a.m and this morning at 5.30a.m. 

I can't keep living at this pace. I will just burn out and die. 

Moff to bed. G'nite. 

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Posted : 23rd July 2019 11:03 pm
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