[Closed] My Last Bad Day

Aww, Drama you just made me genuinely smile with your last comment. I am indeed tucked up in bed getting my daily dose of reading and of course, yours being the first I’ve come to read and catch up on. Sometimes it’s the smallest things that count, and your comment made my day!

Hope you get a good nights sleep and good luck with the presentation, even though I don’t think you need luck as I’m sure you’ll nail it. 

Nite

Bex

Posted by: DramaLlama

Thank-you to everyone who stopped by my diary for a visit and words of encouragement. It's nice to come home to! 

My Day. 

I WFH cos of my counselor visit today and well, tummy still a bit funky although the nausea has subsided so that's good. 

I logged onto work early enough and saw an email from a Tech Consultant reminding the team that we have buzz sessions tommorow to introduce ourselves to the department. I knew this was coming cos she mentionned it a month ago. Now, at that time I excused myself from the task cos I thought like I was doing alot of the reporting and meetings and presentations and stuff. I said it was time for someone else to shine. 

Thing is, everybody else in the team was replying with anecdotal evidence of things they've seen and not really understanding how these things work. If I was in the office, I could've coached someone through it but I was home so it's tough. I created a slide show on Powerpoint with some visuals. Meet the team, cycles of improvement process and file review analysis. Then I emailed it to my boss and said I'll run some Top Issues - Pivot tables in the morning so that I can voice the actual root cause problems we are seeing initially and give some context. 

I did say that I want a wingman and I'm not going in on my own. that is non-negotiable. I know I get anxious presenting to large groups of people and that just the company of a wingman helps me get over that. I'm happy to do the talking as long as I have that. My boss says he'll be my wingman. This is good. Gonna have to get up early and make myself look office smart. I do that. We've talked about this. 

I emailed with Stacey and said some prayers for her, her family and for her Nan. I hope if it is her Nan's time that her passing is peaceful and she feels all the love and affection that her family have for her. 

I went on chat for a bit at lunchtime. That was nice and one of the best parts about WFH. That I can connect with my recovery pals. 

I ate half a slice of toast for dinner. 

I had a dial-in with my team mates at 2. I sent them the slide show and asked if they had ought to add, could they email me. They didn't. I blobbed the second part of the call because I had to go see Debbie. I found out two colleagues from up North are coming to see us next week so I'm gonna try get the night off cleaning to go out for dinner with them one night. I would like that. 

I put on my pink Ellesse sweater dress, pinky red socks and white high-tops. I paired this with my white Gap puffer and a grey scarf and grey baseball cap. This outfit was cute! 

I went to the click and collect shop and picked up Hubby's birthday present. Got wolf whistled and stuff from lot's of guys in the traffic on that street. Haha, yes boys, I look cute. I just pretended like I didn't notice them though cos what you gonna do back....curtsy? 

I went to see my Debbie. Very apprehensive. I filled in these tick box questionnaire things. Do not like doing that part. Gives me high-anxiety cos I know that where I say I'm at is what we have to talk about and I've already had lectures off the Doctor so I dunno, I just expected more of the same. Couldn't have been more wrong really. We chatted about the indepth stuff from my weekend so she had context for my mental problems and then she did this drawing of a thing. It's summat like ego state therapy or summat and then she was talking about how you talk to people and how they receive those messages. Like you can say stuff and people don't hear what you say so much as feel the way they feel about what you said. It was really interesting and we talked about my progress with Hubby cos I'm already doing some of this stuff. I just need to be mindful with like my parents cos I get massively triggered by them. She also suggested I might wanna see if my brothers will still be my friend if I don't see my parents because it's something that I believe but may not even be true. 

I told Debbie that I plan to keep a food diary. That way, I can track what I eat and drink and give it to the Doctor in 4 weeks time. If it's just booze, I know I won't do it cos it will tick me off but if it's both, I'll just feel like I'm doing it for calorie counting. More chance of me doing it and him seeing the balance of everything. Debbie thought that was a great idea and she told me again how easy it is to get addicted to booze even though I believe I'm alright. 

I came home to no emails or ought and no real time to do any reviews so I just logged off work. I intend to go in early tommoz so it's all good. 

I went to cleaning job no. 1 and the guy that is in charge there was super nice to me (suspect this has alot to do with my pretty dress). He listened when I talked about stock issues and drove straight to the shops to get me what I needed cos my notes in the day book are being ignored. I was grateful that he listened and that my dress is hot! 

I went to cleaning job no. 2 and me and the manager there had a great chinwag. I look forward to Tuesday night chats with her. She offloads all her customer complaints on me and I help her with drafting letters cos I'm good at that. We actually have a laugh. She trusts me with confidential information cos obvs I know about GDPR and the law. 

I went to see a man about a dog for Hubby. I met him at this village green in a place called K. I let the dog walk on the green and he walked down to see me from his house. It made me laugh when he said he didn't recognise me.....yes, I have legs sweetie! He told me off for being out in the cold and I said that I've just been cleaning for 3.5 hours, I'm roasting! He laughed and said fair do's. We chatted about stuff, hugged, the dog did a poo and I left. 

Oh....regarding last night. I am really very proud that I got angry, posted for memories sake (cos that's what my diary is for) but didn't share my badness. I felt really mature this morning when I woke up not feeling angry and hadn't upset anybody. 

Um, that is all. 

Thank you for being here. Shout out to Bex. If you're reading this tucked up in bed, sweet dreams angel. 

Drama

xoxoxox

 

 

Another excellent post by DramaLlama.

Thankyou for bringing a smile to my face.

Sweet dreams.

Stephen x 

I'm always exactly where I am meant to be. 

I have had this belief since I was small that I am always exactly where God wants me to be. I'm Christian. My faith has always been a huge comfort to me. I haven't been to Church for months for a service. I think the last service I went to was maybe February. I really can't remember. It's not that I don't believe anymore cos I absolutely do, it's just I don't feel worthy with all my gambling and badness. 

Anyway, so today, I got to feeling that feeling again like everything happens for a reason and God has a plan for me and everything happens for a reason. It was nice. 

Work was pants. I put all that effort into my slideshow and the tech. consultant decided to use some old slides from a previous meeting. Why did she even ask for input? It just cheesed me off. I didn't react poorly. I still got dressed up and went along and was able to give some context to the folks in the meeting cos she was going way over their heads. 

I got home for 5ish and told Hubby that I've booked Tuesday night off of cleaning work cos I'm going out for tea with some day job work mates. He seemed in a strange mood which I put down to my news about going out on Tuesday. He can be mardy but I decided to be the nurturing parent in the relationship and test out some of Debbie's advice. I asked if he wanted to go for a pint. He accepted the offer. 

I took him to the pub and he opened up that he was feeling funny. Like summat is gonna happen and he can't shake the feeling. Also, whilst I was at work he'd had a very scary COPD attack. He thought he was gonna pass out with it. I can appreciate the fear he was feeling and I told him that from what I can tell, his chest is sounding much clearer with two days of the steroids and antibiotics. However, it does sound like maybe he's got some paranoia (I know that feeling). I dunno if it's the steroids or that stuff he smokes cos that can cause it too but I suggested he misses the steroids in the morning because I believe it's prolly them. He's on a dose of 8 pills and that's quite high. I said if the feeling passes then we know it's them and maybe he can just reduce the dose or talk to the Doctor about it. If it doesn't then he needs to seriously consider not touching that stuff he smokes. He agreed. So that's sorted. 

I know his COPD attacks are deffo triggered by anxiety so I reckon that's why he had a bad one with the bad thoughts he was having. 

I feel really good for thinking that he needed some DramaLlama time and giving him the chance to open up instead of just assuming it was all about me and getting in a bad mood. I am doing so well! 

Whilst at the pub I got to meet my Twitter friend who I've followed for years cos we support the same Football team so that was nice and I got a great big hug! Felt really great. My Godmum came as we were leaving but I also got to get a hug off of her. That was super! She gimme the head to the side "how are you doing" question and I was like, it's not been great but I'm trying and we agreed that I'm gonna go see her for a proper visit soon. 

I went to cleaning late. Did some ducking and diving to get done for the normal time. I called in at KFC and got some chicken for Hubby. He was planning on having beans on toast and was made up to have some KFC instead. I dropped into chat whilst he was eating his tea and I had a cuppa tea. Then I did cleaning job no. 2. 

I am back now and chatted Stace incase she wants to talk cos I don't want her to feel lonely tonight. Well, never really but especially not now. 

Um, like I said, it was nice to have the feeling like I was in the right place at the right time and doing the right things. Not experienced it for ages. Long may it continue. 

Drama x

Got a special offer email from a casino and the offer code was "CREDITCARD". They have no shame. I deleted. I need to start unsubscribing instead of deleting. I am sick of this. Credit Card. For heavens sakes. Ugh! 

Thank you for popping onto my dairy drama, that was really lovely ?

Well done drama xx

Just have to say your head is full of wisdom and your heart is full of gold

Day in the dark. 

I've had a low mood today.

You know that scene in the new star trek movie where they're trying to escape from the black-hole and Scottie is like saying, I'm giving it all she's got captain etc?! Well, that's kind of how it feels to get away from casino's. Like they call with their mad offers and email and text and there's no limit on when they will do it. Like I wasn't bothered when I was gambling. You know you'd lose and then they call within minutes and offer you a massive deposit bonus. Well, I wish you could unsubscribe from all of them. I was chatting wi' someone on the helpline last night and she suggested setting up a new email. I love my email address, it's cool but it's not worth all the noise that comes with it so I'm gonna set up a new one. Also, reckon I'm gonna change my number. I'm not even attached to that cos it's a sucky number anyways. 

I am tired today. I got to work about 9.30. I found that K and D who sit near me have had all the strip lights above our desks removed because they were too bright for them. The property management people have raised my new desk whilst I wasn't there so it's massively too high to be comfortable. I had to book a new job to get it lowered. The lass is like they'll call you before they come but I know that ain't true. It's annoying that my department is gonna get billed twice for a job that should've been done right first time. I told my boss but he doesn't care about the extra charge he says. He just wants my desk to be sorted. So that's alright then. 

I shall get a desk lamp over the weekend for my desk to solve the other problem. However, today I couldn't do ought about it so I'm sat facing the aisle where it's all lit up in a dark spot staring at two bright screens. It's ruined my eyes today. 

Boss has offered us Overtime. Double pay Saturdays and time and a half mid-week. I'm gonna cane that! I asked if there was a limit on hours. He says so long as we stick within working time regulations. *GULP* Yes boss. Haha! 

I've got a face to face tutorial with my tutor in a City a short train ride away on Saturday 10-3. I'm gonna miss Football which is a shame but Uni is more important. I will do some OT on Sunday but just put the hours in my Saturday diary cos it's meant to be done between 7 and 2 on Saturday. So long as the work is done noone will know. 

I am visiting my Auntie A on Sunday too at some point. Dunno when. Maybe being super busy at the weekend as well as during the week will help with the not gambling. 

I know I need rest time but I need to get the bank into the black and a nice payday before Christmas will be wonderful. Especially as I'll get cleaning pay the same day so I reckon then I'll be able to knock all the extra stuff on the head and just do the 3 jobs like normal. January will be much calmer if I can achieve that. It'll be worth all the effort. 

Thanks for all your support and that. 

Drama. x

Hey Drams,

Sounds like an awful day. Im wishing bad things for K and D. 

Never watched Star Trek. Incidentally, I’ve never watched Star Wars. My friends think I’m a weirdo for having never watched Star Wars but hey ho.

Forget the casino. Its fake fun. I convinced and fooled myself for years that the casino is the most exciting place on earth. Its an illusion. Its a place full of desperate dreamers. I could walk the most dangerous streets in the roughest estates in the roughest cities and be safer than being on my own in a casino with a bank card and a credit card. The casino for me is a place where I am capable of doing horrendous harm to myself. It may once have been a place of excitement and fun but I ruined that. Id get in less trouble sharing a bath with a killer whale.

Anyways, today was rubbish. Tomorrow might just be the greatest day of your life. Chin up. 

P.S. Put a word in for me with your boss. I’m free on Saturdays and Sundays.

RR

I really wanna chat the Helpline and tell them how I'm feeling but I feel like I cannot face the follow up stuff they do when I do that. It's a bit intense tbh. I'm just saying this for diary purposes cos I dunno it's healthy or not to feel this way. I don't need any response. Thanks. 

I will think on this tommoz and decide if it's better to chat or not. 

Laters. x

Hi Drama

sorry to hear you’ve had a bad day. Hope tomorrow is a better one. I know the feeling about wanting to chat to someone but then not sure about the follow up, I have left it for that reason. It’s ironic as I feel like I want to talk to someone, yet also want to be left alone and not answer 100 questions. Sometimes think the gambling has completely screwed up my brain. 

I hope the overtime helps and means you can cut down on work a bit. It sounds like you need a bit of ‘me’ time although I know keeping busy also means less thoughts. 

Anyway, I hope you get a good nights sleep and feel a bit better tomorrow. I’m in the corner cheering you on. 

Bex x

Bex, thanks for dropping me a line when I was feeling low. It means alot. x

Anxiety Sucks. 

Hubby got me up at 7.30. I have felt anxious right from the word go. Like it feels my heart is living in my stomach and pumping jam instead of blood around my body. I've been shaky and not good. 

I worked through till 3.30 when I had to go to that cleaning job I've picked up since that lad got sacked. I had to meet a woman that my boss has employed to take his place. He asked me to spend 20 mins showing her around today and spend and hour cleaning with her next week (cos he still only has to pay 2 hours). 

I don't want to be mean but she speaks english as a second language and struggles with it. She has mobility problems. She can't lift a bucket of water or a hoover. This is not her problem. This man should never have put her in the position where she's being invited to do this job. However, my cleaning boss is taking the absolute mickey. I am not helping this lass next week and only getting £6.50 for it (after tax). Hard no! 

I am gonna text him and tell him I have a meeting in a city some ways away. I am not gonna say I have concerns about this poor ladies ability to do the job. I don't own this problem. He is a bad man. 

I left work after doing 1 hour 40 cleaning. I had to work super hard and super fast to get it all done in that time.

Oooo nearly forgot. I went in the admin office at this place and someone dismissed me cos they were talking about sensitive information. I took offence at that. Really hurt me alot. I mean people in positions of great trust share information with me regularly with me. They have me help them with their legal issues. They have me help them write letters but this young admin lass is like cleaning lady, you can't be here right now. It ticked me off royally. It dented my pride. I did not clean their room. I will never clean there again. I know for a fact the lady employed to do the job will not last a week so it's all good. They can deal with their problems if I'm not to be trusted. 

I went to the pub after that. I was angry mad and wanted a beer. I am sick and tired of feeling sick and tired so felt like getting wellied so I have. 

I went on chat tonight and even though I said I'd keep quiet cos I'm squiffy, I did not. I love seeing my recovery ladies. You are the bestest! 

Oh and I got my thingy. You know that time of the month so maybe that's why I had the anxiety. I dunno. I don't care anymore. 

I feel like I'm going through growing pains. I am reminded of being hormonal as a teen and not understanding it at all. Just being bad and horrid and then a week later you are fine. Maybe, just maybe, I was a caterpillar who gambled and now, I'm in this thingy that I can't remember the name of and I'm growing into a butterfly who doesn't gamble. You don't know, it just might be. 

Love you all. 

I am glad I am not dead. 

Drama 

XOXOXO

It is so great to have you around x

One more thing....whilst I am here. Debbie says if no-one else is gonna be my "nurturing parent" then I should be my own nurturing parent but the thing is I don't know what it means to have a nurturing parent. When I think of being kind to myself it hurts alot that no-one else wants to do that for me. It hurts really bad. Then I think f#it and just do what I feel like doing.

Lady Luck by Jamie Woon. That is my tune.