[Closed] My Last Bad Day

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DramaLlama
(@dramallama)
Posts: 920
Topic starter
 

I appreciate your advice and I do take it onboard. I am not in the same healthy place as you are but I will try. 

My Day. 

I woke up at 9:30. I planned to WFH today as I have my appointment with Debbie in the afternoon. I hadn't told Hubby I was seeing her because I didn't know how to approach the topic. At lunchtime I had a bath and put some fresh clothes on. I was stanky and didn't wanna see Debbie looking like that. I have been wearing the same tracksuit for 3 days. I have changed my underwear. I'm not a complete filth offender. 

Hubby asked what I was doing for dinner. I said I have an appointment in the afternoon so hadn't really planned to do ought for lunch. He's all nosey like what appointment? where? etc etc so I told him. *Worried face* "I didn't think you were seeing her anymore" He says. I'm like, I need to. No more discussion. We went to the shop and Church to walk the dog then back home and I went on chat for a short spell. 

I managed to complete two reviews today. It's not massive but I am still learning. Can't wait till I know it all. I'm gonna ask my boss about maybe sending me into the team that I'm reviewing to do some work so I can get some real life experience of it. I think it will make me better at my job overall. We shall see. Gotta walk before you can run. 

I went to see Debbie. I got stuck behind some old couple who were driving like Miss Daisy. Gosh it was annoying. I got to a patch of road that was 50mph, dropped a gear and floored it and overtook them, it was SOOO exciting. Can't remember the last time I overtook someone but I didn't wanna be late and they were getting on my nerves. 

I spoke to Debbie about all my badness. She's amazing at getting to the root cause of stuff. Like I didn't even click that the thing that was bugging me was the thing that was bugging me. I thought it was everybody else. Turns out it's just the one person actually. The thing that was bugging me that I had a plan for, I talked to her about my plan and she came up with a better one, just as a suggestion. It's amazing, having the clarity of thought she has. I'm gonna put it into action. I realise this is saying alot without saying ought but I don't wanna get into it on my diary. 

I came home after seeing her, finished up some work and then went and did my 3 cleaning jobs. I came home after the first two for a brew and went on chat for a bit. I hope people who are struggling are feeling better. It's the worse when you just wanna gamble. I know the feeling well. 

Today I ate a bagel with cream cheese and some scrambled egg on toast. Not alot but it's food. 

Oh, I spoke with Debbie about drinking. She says that your Liver is an amazing organ that can heal itself but, not at the rate I've been punishing it so I said I would take that onboard and not drink so much. I also swore alot in the session but I felt like I couldn't explain myself without explaining all the b.s and f-it attitude and stuff. Debbie did the hand over her head gesture and said she wasn't bothered. It's a good job she doesn't have a swear jar cos I'd be in alot more debt. 

Um, it's my dogs 10 year birthday today. I would normally get presents and wrap them and play games with her but a) I'm mega busy and b) she isn't feeling it. She ate four handfuls of dog food out of my hands today. She wouldn't touch them in the bowl, only if I fed them her. She also had some sausages and some chicken. I'm looking after her. 

She came to my last job and the park like normal. 

Oh yeah, I scored 41% in my Uni assignment which sucks but we knew it was coming. I will do better. 

That will do. 

Drama 

xoxoxox

 

This post was modified 4 years ago by DramaLlama
 
Posted : 13th November 2019 10:27 pm
DramaLlama
(@dramallama)
Posts: 920
Topic starter
 

Two people unfriended me on the FB. I got massively triggered but I got to talk with my Auntie A on the messenger. She says losing friends when you're depressed is like evacuating your bowels. You are getting rid of all the bad stuff. I'm super glad she was available to chat. I feel better. 

I did cry and that but like I say, I'm over it now. 

D x

 
Posted : 13th November 2019 11:20 pm
DramaLlama
(@dramallama)
Posts: 920
Topic starter
 

I lied. I wasn't over it. I phoned the helpline and talked to a Human Being and I no longer want to die because people of FB hate me. 

Dang, I am so pathetic. 

D. 

 
Posted : 14th November 2019 12:13 am
Forum admin
(@forum-admin)
Posts: 5946
Admin
 

Hi DramaLlama,

It's not at all pathetic to be affected by other people's actions, and you're not pathetic for feeling. The important thing is that you reached out for support when you needed it, both from your auntie and the helpline, that shows real strength. 

I hope you managed to rest and that things feel better this morning.

Best wishes,

Elizabeth - Forum Admin

This post was modified 4 years ago by Forum admin
 
Posted : 14th November 2019 6:55 am
SB28
 SB28
(@sb28)
Posts: 7047
 

Hi drama,

 

Sorry to hear about friends on FB. True friends sticks arpund through thin and thick so dont let these ones affect you too much.. concentrate on your wellbeing and peace.

 

Happy birthday to little one!!! (Not so little)..can you give her a scratch behind the ear from me? ? and a pat on her back!

 

Stay safe & look after yourself

 

S&B xx

 
Posted : 14th November 2019 11:22 am
DramaLlama
(@dramallama)
Posts: 920
Topic starter
 

Thank you Elizabeth and Sandra for stopping by my diary. It is kind of you. I appreciate your support. x

My Day. 

Hubby got me up very early. I told him to put the big light on when he went to make me a brew cos I knew I was gonna go back to sleep. It worked and I got up. I picked out a shift dress and black boots but I could only find one of my knee-high black socks. Couldn't find the other one anywhere so I switched up the dress for a grey pin stripe 3 piece suit and a sky blue oxford shirt with little navy blue stars on it. I looked well smart. I put on a full length wool coat that I normally save for funerals at Church. 

I set off at 8 and got to work for 9. Traffic was torture, it's normally a 22 minute drive. Nightmare. 

I got a bacon and egg buttie in Sainsburys so I could get money for parking from the change. Least I ate summat. I discovered that my boss had called in sick with flu bogies. Great! I'm sorry he's sick but more sorry I'd have to go in the meeting by me'sen. 

I got my thoughts together and went and knocked on the door where f&K were meeting and explained that J is sick and won't be joining us. They invited me in and then hit me with the fact that our department is getting audited by some high level international people. Great! We really don't need that a couple months into the project when we are still sorting out all the terms of reference and everything. 

I excused myself at the end of the discussion cos that's what I do, I don't loiter. 

I emailed my bosses boss and some tech person and gave them the full lowdown on what I'd found out. My bosses boss emailed back to say my email was comprehensive and she appreciated the update. I can do no more as all the decision making is outta my hands. 

I left work at 2pm and went to the Doc's to put in a prescription request. I took my last happy pill this morning and absolutely need some more. I'll go see the chemist and get it tommoz. 

I logged in to work from home and T was like "didn't you like my company". I apologised that I never said goodbye but had an errand to run and my mind was focused on that. He was alright. 

Lot's of people commented on my outfit today and said I looked very smart and lovely and stuff. So that was nice. 

Hubby came down to make me a brew at 3.30ish. A lady from the counselling place called me to check on my mood. I was gonna go out to talk to her but Hubby took the hint and went upstairs. I told her how I was feeling and that. She recommended a social media break but it's hard. I get so lonely, I enjoy the company of chatting online. I have been on the FB and my Aunt and Godmum's and some other people have said that I'll never get rid of them. The counsellor lady also suggested, I might wanna be more picky with my friends list cos clearly people that I know from just Twitter and not from real life are not real friends. I might act on that advice but I don't wanna hurt people like I've been hurt. I know I'm being silly with all this but I do feel it alot. 

I did my 3 cleaning jobs tonight like normal. I am tired. My eyes are twitching. Like winking involuntarily. I'm making Hubby some fish n chips and then I'm going to bed. 

Oh, my dog has eaten loads of food today. Sausages, Chicken and the actual complete dog food. From my hands, Hubby's hands and from the actual bowl!

I gave her a cuddle from SB and told her it was from you. She enjoyed it. 

That will do. 

N'nite from 

Drama 

xoxoxox 

 

 
Posted : 14th November 2019 10:55 pm
DramaLlama
(@dramallama)
Posts: 920
Topic starter
 

Gosh please don't think that I don't think you guys are real friends cos this really feels like a good community and I love you guys. You know what I'm trying to say about my experience of social media is all. x

 
Posted : 14th November 2019 11:01 pm
(@Anonymous)
Posts: 0
 

I can't sleep and just dropped by to say hi, your doing brill and I enjoy reading your diary ?

You seem like a lovely kind person

Stace x

 
Posted : 15th November 2019 1:11 am
Aum
 Aum
(@aum)
Posts: 3947
 

Totally agree with you there Stacy. DramaLlama is an absolute treasure (as are you) and I also love reading her diary.

I was going to say that reading about her exploits is the highlight of my day but that would make me seem like a silly old fool but than I realised that I am a silly old fool so why try to hide it. Lol. But the good news is that whilst one stays gamble-free, life should get better every day. Yihaaa. Woohoo.

 

Stacy & Drama rocking along though sadness they remembers

Hoping this month is the very best of all of their Novembers

 

These charming lovely ladies have charisma and good taste 

Staying calm whilst in control avoiding the bustle and haste

 

And up ahead the future waits for them with open arms

So keep your hopes and dreams alive and exercise your charms

 

Stephen x x 

 

 
Posted : 15th November 2019 11:51 am
DramaLlama
(@dramallama)
Posts: 920
Topic starter
 

Thank-you Stace and Stephen, if it wasn't for the kind thoughts and welcome that you gave me I don't reckon I'd have kept up with my diary so you can take credit for the diary that you enjoy reading. God bless you xxx

Friday *phew*

What a week. I am very worn out. I WFH today. I did zero work. Set up a couple files and sent a couple emails but mostly just watched movies. I watched The Departed [2006]. It's full of violence and gang stuff but I really enjoyed the Boston mentality. The way they were sarcastic and funny with each other made me belly laugh. The jokes were very close to the bone. I rated it on my FB (I do that). My baby brother and I had fun sharing quotes and laughing at them. It was fun. 

I went to the sandwich shop for breakfast. I had a BLT with mayo and grated cheese. It was beautiful. Hubby was happy cos he was worried that I hadn't eaten last night. I had told him I was gonna eat a curry when he'd gone upstairs but I really wasn't. I just said it cos he hates the smell of curry and I knew he would scarper instead of checking I had eaten. (Sneaky DramaLlama). 

I went to the chemist to see if they had my prescription. They didn't. 

I went on chat for a spell at lunchtime. That was nice. 

I called the chemist again later in the afternoon and they still hadn't got it. I called the Doc's and told the lady there that I was worried about going the weekend without my anti-depressants and she's like we sent it across electronically at 1.30pm. I said I hear you but they haven't got it. I repeated my concerns but she just told me to contact them again. I give up! 

I did nowt this afternoon either. Went to my first cleaning job at 4pm. It was a state. I made it better. I came home for a brew and then went to my next one. Now, my legs were itching me like mad, starting at my ankles and gradually getting all the way up to my groin area. I thought "that will do" so I went to the supermarket and got some bits and then went home. I took my jeans off and found I'd been bitten all up and down my legs by fleas. Charming! I've put some ointment on them and they feel better. The dog is flea free as far as I can tell and so is the house but I suspect the car must have them in cos I forgot to treat that so I shall have to hoover and spray it in the morning. Summat else to do! 

I have two cleaning jobs left to do. I'll pick them up over the weekend. 

I had a Ginsters Pasty with HP sauce for tea followed by a sugared ring doughnut (keeping it healthy). 

I watched Gogglebox on telly. Very funny show. I belly laughed at that too. They do say laughter is the best medicine so I'll just try stick to funny show's and stuff and hope that gets me through my pill free weekend. 

G'nite All

Drama

xoxoxox

 

 
Posted : 15th November 2019 10:40 pm
DramaLlama
(@dramallama)
Posts: 920
Topic starter
 

Can't sleep. I wish I'd bought lots of beer cos I'd be passed out now. 

Shame I promised Debbie I'd be sensible with what I bought. 

*sigh*

 
Posted : 16th November 2019 2:15 am
gadaveuk
(@gadaveuk)
Posts: 1696
 

Hi 

Being in the recovery program would help me understand that I was not a bad person, that I was not an evil person.

I was just a very emotionally vulnerable person.

I use to think that showing my feelings and my emotions was an indicator that I was a weak person.

For me when I walked in to the recovery program I was just a very emotionally vulnerable person.

Before understanding my emotional triggers I use to run in fear and escape people life and situation I could not cope with.

I am a non religious person yet being in the recovery program I understand that any person can get healthy if they truly want to.

The gambling establishments did not make me do any thing I did not want to.

The gambling establishments did not make me lie.

The gambling establishments did not make me steal.

Being in the recovery program would help me understand that I could get healthy if I wanted to.

The recovery program would not stop me gambling that would be my own choice.

By me paying back cash to people would not heal people or make them trust me again.

Having money was not going to make me feel successful.

Only by my own healthy actions and my healthy words would make me feel successful.

It all starts with just for today I will not gamble.

For me gambling is unhealthy and self destructive, only when I made a conscious decision to abstain from one unhealthy habit could I abstain from other unhealthy habits. 

The recovery program for me is a healing process, to stop self abusing myself, to stop self abusing other people.

Once I abstained from unhealthy habits I was able to replace those unhealthy habits I was able to take up healthy habits. 

I use to be angry most of the time, I use to be impatient and intolerant most of the time, I use to be blame and justify being unhealthy.

The rage in me demonstrated that the angry hurt child in me was not healed, I was not fully complete in myself.

I am often asked if I have not gambled in such along time why attend meetings today,  by me attend meetings I get to see myself in other people.

Over time my fears were faced reduced and were replaced with trust.

Over time being kinder to myself I am able to be kinder to other people.

Once I am able to have empathy for myself and my healing I am able to have empathy other people.

Once I am able to love myself and my healing I am able to love other people.

Only once I am able to be honest with myself and my healing I am able to to be honest with other people.

My emotional age and my physical age would get closer to each other.

I would learn to celebrate in healthy ways.

Giving of myself would become unconditional.

I moved from using bad good right wrong to what is healthy and what is unhealthy. 

Before the recovery I was a very sick unhealthy vulnerable person.

Love and peace to everyone.

Dave L

AKA Dave of Beckenham.

 
Posted : 16th November 2019 4:51 am
DramaLlama
(@dramallama)
Posts: 920
Topic starter
 

Dave, I believe you are posting to help me but I can't understand what you are saying. I've read it several times today but sometimes it feels like you are from planet Earth and I am an amoeba on Mars and I just don't get it. I really don't mean to be disrespectful. I shall re-read what you put when I am feeling better. 

This Day. 

It's my worst day of the year. It's the anniversary of the bad thing that happened to me when I was 16. Lot's of bad things happened to me prior to that day. Lot's and lot's. But on that day I thought I was free of it so to go through what I did and be so utterly violated at a point in my life when I thought I was free of it was the worse. It messed with my sense of self. I became a victim. I hate that! 

I talked with my Debbie about it last week and how I was building up to the anniversary and that. 

I've had the worst prep for the day though. Like it's always an unpleasant day but to have my Doc's and Chemist not be able to figure out getting me the anti depressants when I begged for them was a real punch in the stomach. I didn't sleep last night, not at all. Hubby was great, he knew I was struggling with the withdrawal symptoms and got up with me and watched a movie and sat with me. He's earned so many Hubby points he doesn't even know. 

I got some sleep between maybe 8 and 10 when my phone started buzzing. Hubby was upstairs in his mancave. I was having a dream about how aliens took over the planet and tampered with tampax to impregnate with all the females when I was rudely awoken. 

It was my Dad! Like this day isn't bad enough. He said Mum wanted me to take her shopping. They haven't bothered with me all year! They never do until it gets close to my birthday and we have to play this game where they pretend to love and care about me and I have to pretend they are the absolute BESTEST parents. 

I'm sorry if I upset anyone in chat. I just needed to vent. 

I'm going to bed. I can't deal with anymore of today. 

D. 

 
Posted : 16th November 2019 8:31 pm
(@boo-radley)
Posts: 1492
 

No upset drama xx hope tomorrow is easier 

 
Posted : 16th November 2019 9:39 pm
(@Anonymous)
Posts: 0
 

Oh drama.. hugs to you. 

I won't go into it but from age 14-16 I suffered badly at the hands of someone (not saying you did) just saying that's when I first became a victim to life's horribleness. Still to this day, aged 33 I'm traumatized 

I completely get that anniversaries of any kind of trauma are extremely difficult to cope with. 

I hope your ok and manage to get some sleep tonight. Hopefully will get to chat tomorrow. Remember you still have my email address, use it if you need to talk, doesn't matter what I'm going through, I will ALWAYS be there for anyone who needs me, wether it's friends , family or strangers (cyber friends).

Take care

Stace xx

 
Posted : 17th November 2019 12:23 am
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