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My Last Bad Day  

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DramaLlama
(@dramallama)

I don't want to experience this feeling ever again. Waking up to the remorse and regret and sinking feeling in my stomach and basically horror at having gambled money last night/early hours of this morning that was meant to pay bills. I actually thought about stealing to replace it and that's when I decided to call the GamCare helpline. I don't even know myself anymore. The person I spoke to was helpful and has arranged some counselling for me. I've gotta try summat, doing it on my own isn't working. Hopefully this is my last ever gambling hangover. 

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Posted : 6th July 2019 6:29 pm
Forum admin
(@forum-admin)
Admin

Hello DramaLlama,

Well done for creating a recovery diary.  Many forum members have found that keeping a diary here can help them to keep their focus and motivation, and sharing peer support here can help your morale at times.  

Feel welcome to continue to use the helpline or netline if you ever need immediate emotional support.

Take care,

Forum admin.

ReplyQuote
Posted : 7th July 2019 11:39 am
DramaLlama
(@dramallama)

I dunno what to do about my bills. I have zero money. I have maybe a fiver a day to live on till my next payday. I owe for my phone bills and two credit cards that are sposed to be paid this week. I have borrowed £50 off my brother. I'm gonna get charged for bouncing direct debits. I dunno whether to get my wages paid into my account rather than Hubby's to just start fresh and treat his Overdraft as just another debt or what. What a mess! I can't work any extra cos I can't afford to put fuel in my car to get anywhere. I am soooo stupid! 

ReplyQuote
Posted : 7th July 2019 2:33 pm
signalman
(@signalman)

Honestly I think you should call stepchange (free debt management advice and financial assistance) and go through the issues you are having re meeting bills with them, trust me, you won't regret it.

You may think that stepchange is exclusively for people who need to setup a debt management plan to keep creditors at bay or for people who need to declare themselves bankrupt and write off debt completely but the first option they offered me before going through any of the above was creating a detailed budget plan to help manage what I did have and work out what I could do before handing it over to the financial gods...

Honestly it was SO relieving to just talk to people who were non-judgmental, supportive (they probably come across gamblers in their work most days) and most crucially PRO-ACTIVE in devising a REALISTIC strategy plan within my means to manage debt and save whatever pittance I could around that.

It felt so therapeutic to talk to someone who understood and wanted to help. I was so averse to the idea of calling them (this would mean accepting that I didn't have a f*****g clue) when it was proffered on this forum but my overriding sense of helplessness resulted in me calling them and it was one of the best and most influential moves I made in my recovery.

Just think of it like this - problem gambling is the financial antithesis of the phrases I have highlighted in bold - PRO-ACTIVE (it doesn't solve anything, in fact it creates more problems) and REALISTIC (the gamblers dreamworld = get rich quick? Responsible management of existing funds? Pull the other one...) so think of speaking with stepchange as a strong antidote to existing behaviour that is engrained in you and got you in this mess in the first place.

You will learn over time that without the help of others we are pretty much f****d... Sadly due to our nature and condition we are reliant on the service of others in more privileged positions spiritually and mentally to help and guide us, until one day we have journeyed long enough and we transition from the one that needs healing to the one that can help to heal)

In my case, I called them for a DMP really - but after they went through a detailed budget plan with me it was concluded that I didn't really need one, I could actually service my loan payment through strict and right management of existing income or I could remortgage and pay off the loan to clear it. 

Through further conversation we concluded that I should service the debt myself for 2.5 years then remortgage the rest of I have proved I can stay off a bet for that length of time. Almost a year in and the debt is moving along nicely - it's all going fine. It was sound advice and crucial at the time - I work to the budget plan they gave me and it does work.

It shows how clueless I was when it came to financial affairs - I went in asking for life-changing service I didn't even need.

Humility is the key thing here. Succumbing to a hit of gambling activates the pride factor - you want to maintain your dignity and and sort things out yourself... f**k that old mentality off, accept that you need to approach this differently and seek solace in the help of others. It's just help and guidance, you don't have to do anything they say.

Call them, for once you'll have nothing to lose 😉

 

Once you have a new plan in place you'll feel reborn, all you have to do from there is stick to it.

This post was modified 2 months ago 2 times by signalman
ReplyQuote
Posted : 7th July 2019 8:03 pm
TraceyJ
(@traceyj)

hi llama,

I did the same every week, spent every penny on gambling, didn't even buy food! I called all of my creditors and arranged affordable payment plans. I set them up as standing orders via my bank, so as soon as my salary goes in my bills come out. The first 6 weeks were hard, as I had nothing, but my bills were covered, now I have a little left each week. When the creditors set the payment plans up at first they were either card payments or direct debits which would come out of my bank later in the day, this gave me time to spend it on slots first! 

Just a tip I find a little helpful, it works better for me

Good luck xx

ReplyQuote
Posted : 7th July 2019 11:31 pm
DramaLlama
(@dramallama)

I appreciate the advice guys. I've already gone through Stepchange and am 6/7 months into a 4 year DMP with them. That was an embarrassing thing to ring them and say I don't know who I owe money too. They had to do a credit check on me to find out for me.

I will figure this out. Standing orders on payday sounds a much better way to go but most firms want DD and they want it on a date to suit them. Anyway, I've cancelled all the DD's coming out in the next week, get paid next Wednesday from my cleaning job and will sort them out then (if I can afford). Then gotta survive till the week after I get paid from my day job and I've done a few extra hours for them so as long as we stay in and I don't do ought stupid, we should be alright. 

The counsellor called. She's gonna ring me at 3.30p.m to do an assessment. 

Things are happening. I don't feel sick to my stomach anymore and have finished with the upset tummy. Hopefully, this really will be the very last time I put myself through this. 

 

ReplyQuote
Posted : 8th July 2019 1:08 pm
signalman
(@signalman)

Hi

I hope you get a financial plan sorted then you can focus on your actual recovery from gambling addiction.

I hope the gamcare service in all its forms served you well and offers you adequate opportunity for change and transformation.

I also hope the counselling goes well, defo a great move in the right direction.

I hope you can get on top of this. 

Good luck 👍

ReplyQuote
Posted : 8th July 2019 8:24 pm
DramaLlama
(@dramallama)

Cheers Signalman. I appreciate the support. I feel alot better physically today. I've got my appetite back, been out with my dog for a walk, got through lots of work and I spoke to a lady at the counselling place and she's calling me tommoz at 3:30pm for my assessment. I guess we'll see what happens from there. I think I'm bonafide bonkers but she might not. I haven't really done ought else other than work. I just feel like updating my journal before I go up for a bath and then bed. 

 

 

ReplyQuote
Posted : 8th July 2019 9:33 pm
DramaLlama
(@dramallama)

I just finished up with the counsellor. She was sooo nice and easy to talk to and I feel like a big weight has lifted in the last hour. She's fixing me up with 12 sessions with someone else. I hope they are as nice as her. 

Hubby has some money coming in from an insurance claim that should clear up the overdraft within the next fortnight and I've taken on another 10 hours OT for my cleaning job that I'll get paid in 3 weeks time. I shall use that to pay back my baby brother. I've got up to 28 hours OT available for the day job in the next month so if I can just not do ought stupid, things should be stable by the end of August. Still 3.5 years of the DMP and working three jobs but at least I'm kinda used to it now. 

I feel good, tired out but good. 

 

ReplyQuote
Posted : 9th July 2019 4:45 pm
DramaLlama
(@dramallama)

Okay so I spoke to Hubby about counselling and some of the bad thoughts and stuff I've been having. Not sure what if any sunk in but I did it. I feel better. He knows I'm lined up for counselling. He for sure knows gambling is a big part of my depression. It feels good to have him in my corner. Moff to bed now. G'nite all x

ReplyQuote
Posted : 9th July 2019 10:13 pm
DramaLlama
(@dramallama)

Work paid for dinner today. I had Lasagna and Homemade Chips and Garlic Bread. I feel so sleepy after eating all that food. It's the most I've eaten in sooo long. Oh my gosh. I decided against having a beer, I think I'll give it a swerve for a while at least. I spoke with the counsellor and my appointments will be every Wednesday afternoon for an hour for the next up to 12 weeks. We didn't really talk about ought other than the appointment so I don't have a feel for what it will be like. Hubby knows where the place is so he's gonna take me. 

I have a job interview tommoz so prolly won't post again today, I'll just go straight to bed after my cleaning jobs. I hope you are all doing okay. 

 

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Posted : 10th July 2019 5:10 pm
DramaLlama
(@dramallama)

Interview went well. I am tired. Moff to bed. 

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Posted : 11th July 2019 9:55 pm
DramaLlama
(@dramallama)

Hubby's credit card has been stopped cos the DD bounced. He is stressed by that. I owe two mobile phone bills and my NHS prescription passport and my credit card and his card and my baby brother £50. I've been offered another 4 hours extra cleaning so I've taken it. Get paid Weds next week and hopefully I can begin to sort all this mess out. Hoping I have enough fuel to last these next few days. I feel like time is going by really slowly. Done 7 hours OT for the day job but wont get that till August. Oh, and I found Hubby owes his best mate £100. It doesn't rain but it pours. 

ReplyQuote
Posted : 12th July 2019 12:40 pm
Bal
 Bal
(@bal)

Hi,

Perhaps all the above is good news as you know where you 100% stand in respect of debts and monies owed.

Perhaps offering a future payment solution may help to individuals and if Credit cards debts are high you may wish to speak with Stepchange Debt Charity to assist you.

I appreciate you may want to clear everything ASAP but leave a little back to give yourself a little treat.

Sounds like you may deserve it.

Best 

ReplyQuote
Posted : 12th July 2019 2:59 pm
DramaLlama
(@dramallama)

Cheers Bal. I intend to make some plans with my friends for August hopefully. Like go out for dinner with my best girl pal and me and her and our fella's are hoping to get away for a weekend in late August/September as long as I don't do ought daft then that should happen. 

I'm already with Stepchange 7 months into a 4 year DMP. I have created new debts (obviously) but I can't include them in that plan. I don't really know why and I really don't feel like having the conversation with them. Anyone stupid enough to lend me money will have to get in line. If they did their due diligence, they would never have lended someone with my history any funds.  

It's over a week since I messed up. I'm having to get creative to feed us now. One of the things I'm pleased I do is cook large portions and freeze the extra. It helps in poor times like this but my stock is pretty low now. I also portion out boxes/bags of freezer food that I buy. I've found some 2 x breaded fish, 1 burger, a chicken kiev, some chips and veg. I'm gonna need bread, milk and butter but I reckon I can do a few meals out of what I have and I have some cuppa soups and tins of beans in the cupboard for my lunch breaks. Cannot wait to eat summat proper decent. 

I am still determined not to ever go through this again. 

ReplyQuote
Posted : 13th July 2019 3:01 pm
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