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Rudge89
(@rudge89)

Hi everyone! 

I have recently been coming into the 8pm chats and heard alot about diary's - so I've decided to do one, it's a great idea! 

I'll introduce myself, I'm Leoni and I'm 32. I've been gambling for approx 7/8 years - online slots. The initial 3 years, it was loose and occasional. 

I had a lot happen in my life in a short period of time, led me to become withdrawn slightly and isolative. Those lonely days and nights in my bedroom of the place I shared with my then partner, were spent online, gambling. 

Those occasions became oftens, then the oftens became alot. My ex felt the moods, the stress, the financial impact etc and if heavily effected our relationship. I was not the same person anymore, and this massively pushed him away - which in turn, pushed me closer to the slot. Alot now became always, it's mid 2019 at this point. 

January 2020 he breaks my heart after 8 years. I find my own place and move in - the first time I've ever lived on my own. 

This is when the you know what, hit the fan. And it hit it hard. 

It was all I did. Working from home, became gambling 9 - midnight, slot streamers in the background on the TV constantly. 

I would sit up until 12.15am on my pay day and wait for the money to hit my account, 20 minutes later 70% of my wages gone. Struggling, lying, lending all for the rest of the month. Dodging bills. Turning my phone off. Cancelling plans. 

The next day, I'd wake with the gambling hangover - feel terrible. 10 minutes after my coffee, I'm chasing loses with what little I have left. This circle wasn't vicious, it was evil. 

My friends made little effort with me any more, the friends I used to love to see, treat, be out with and enjoy things with. I was more alone than ever. Addiction is so selfish. I wouldn't eat for days - just clicking that spin button. 

One night, I had £20 left in my bank for the rest of the month , I had been paid 3 days before. That's all I had left. I gambled it. On the last spin before my balance hit zero, it was like a brick to the face "Leoni, what are you doing"? 

Before I even pressed that spin button for the last time, I timed out every casino account I have and came to GamCare. within 48 hours I had every block in place, GamStop, GamBan.  

I am now working through the CBT modules, coming onto the chat often (which I hope to become always) and focusing on getting my life back on track, bringing the happiness back. 

I'm 25 days GF today. The first two weeks I felt very strong, now I feel strong. I get paid tomorrow - here's were the hard work starts. This is my first attempt at recovery and I hope it's my last. 

 

This topic was modified 1 month ago by Rudge89
Quote
Posted : 24th June 2021 8:54 pm
Bladesman
(@bladesman)

Hi, well done for sharing your story. Reading through your post the only bit of advice I will give is call your bank asap and put a block on gambling transactions on your debit card. This is another important block to stop you when tempted. 

Good luck

ReplyQuote
Posted : 24th June 2021 10:47 pm
Tomgrogan95
(@tomgrogan95)

Thanks for sharing Rudge. Fingers crossed for you tomorrow with it being pay day. I know how tempting it can be. Sending you nothing but good energy. Hope to speak to you tonight in the group chat.

ReplyQuote
Posted : 25th June 2021 12:27 am
Secretaddict
(@secretaddict)

Good luck Rudge, today will be hard but you have got this 💪

Same as advice above regarding the bank blocks. Also if you do get any urges don't open web browser for slots open it and come on here and read some stories in the forum to pass time. Those newbie posts always get me and keep me  grounded. Put me back to reality where I know I don't want to ever be at day 1 again and feeling how I did.

Good luck 

ReplyQuote
Posted : 25th June 2021 6:35 am
Rudge89
(@rudge89)

Thank you everyone. 

I have two jobs, a weekend job working with a lady with MS and a full time role as hr manager. It was my weekend job pay day today, my full pay is next Wednesday.

Despite which job it was, it is money. 

Last night was the first night, in about  18 months, I went to sleep at 11pm and didn't wake up until 7. No alarms set for 00.15. 

See you all in chat tonight to say I made it through the day! 

ReplyQuote
Posted : 25th June 2021 7:08 am
maxmaher
(@maxmaher)

Morning Leoni 

Thanks for sharing your story , gambling addiction is hard work and very difficult to overcome i myself have been battling it for nigh on a decade and have lost countless thousands of pounds in the process   

in the last 2-3 years I've got a handle on it and usually am able to go months without a punt then the lockdowns came and the ridiculous stress/anxiety associated with them triggered a few relapses the latest one being around 2 months ago

I can resonate with the gambling hangovers you mention , chasing the money trying to " get back in the black "  only making things worse as you continue to lose

The only thing i will say is that if you can do 30 days cold turkey you will be more or less over the losses and the urges 

it's just building on from there then 

good luck 

 

 

 

ReplyQuote
Posted : 25th June 2021 10:22 am
Rudge89
(@rudge89)

Hi Max! 

Thank you for your comment, I hope you're doing ok! 

Lockdown has definately had a negative effect for everyone, there is a light at the end of the tunnel it seems now! 

5 days and i hit 30!

Thank you for your encouragement. 

I got paid today, and did not gamble. I had no urge to. I hope this continues

ReplyQuote
Posted : 25th June 2021 11:49 pm
Rudge89
(@rudge89)

Day 27

I had an email yday advising one of my loan affordability claims had been upheld and I would be receiving £2337.54 within the next 10 days into my bank - thank Christ for the blocks I currently have in place.. I can only imagine. 

Feeling positive. 

Night time was my usual time to gamble, they can be long and boring still but I am trying to keep busy and sleeping a lot more! 

Roll on my month mark 

ReplyQuote
Posted : 27th June 2021 12:24 pm
Rudge89
(@rudge89)

Day 30 🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉

Tiny urge last night - cleaned the bathroom instead. I will do this. 

That was the first urge I've had, it was tiny and passed pretty easily. I am meeting a friend for a walk this evening but hope to be in chat! 

ReplyQuote
Posted : 30th June 2021 6:25 am
Secretaddict
(@secretaddict)

Well done Leoni, 30 days is a massive achievement, so proud.

Also well done for overcoming your urge. It sures your determination, you have got this 💪💪

ReplyQuote
Posted : 30th June 2021 12:52 pm
Forum admin
(@forum-admin)
Admin

Dear @rudge89,

huge congrats on 30 days gamble free and well done for riding the tiny urge.

Do you know what triggered the urge? That might be helpful going forward, to know what are you trigger situations because you could either avoid them or find positive ways of coping in these situations.

So for example if payday is one of your triggers why not plan something nice for paydays to treat yourself?

Keep posting and keep up the excellent work.

Wishing you all the best,

Eva

Forum Admin

ReplyQuote
Posted : 30th June 2021 10:57 pm
Rudge89
(@rudge89)

Thanks Secret 💕💕

Hi Eva, 

It was because I had a loan refund of a big amount arrive in my bank. 

I've been shopping and purchased things I have wanted for so long and not been able to, due to all of my money going to the slots and have put some into a savings with my mom. 

Also, started swimming this week - will mainly go in the evenings during the period I would usually gamble. 

Thank you for your message! 

ReplyQuote
Posted : 1st July 2021 10:56 am
Rudge89
(@rudge89)

Hi all!

Just checking in... Day 36! 

There's been a few occasions where I've missed gambling... Then I quickly bring myself back down to earth and remind myself how much I wanted and still want to quit! 

Been keeping busy, swimming nearly every day now, started to teach myself macabre and been seeing friends and family! 

Hope you all are well! 

ReplyQuote
Posted : 6th July 2021 8:12 am
Rudge89
(@rudge89)

44 days today. 

I will not gamble. 

ReplyQuote
Posted : 13th July 2021 4:30 pm
Secretaddict
(@secretaddict)

Well done Leoni, your doing really well, keep it up. How does it feel to have gone so long now with your wage still in your bank and not on the slots 

ReplyQuote
Posted : 14th July 2021 7:27 pm
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