My journey..

Hey Tizzy

Can you cope with 2 posts in one day 😉

Oh Yes some of the people on the conf calls are in prime position and then try and be surprised when someone comments on something in the background. Then there is the child or pet who appears on the camera. (Nothing against a child or pet but when they reappear multiple times and it distracts the conversation regularly and prolongs the meeting, well.....)

Really hope all goes well with your Dad and this chapter closes and he can move on positively.

On rock bottom, I thought mine had been reached when I had to re-mortgage many years ago, really believed I'd got a real kick up the a**e from that and that I'd be able to be sensible from then on. That episode was actually outdone later when, gambling online, I lost substantial sums in single days, something I hadn't done to the same extent before the re-mortgage, that was the accumulation of smaller daily/monthly losses over a much longer period. Would never had lost even 30% of what I lost on those days if I had still only been gambling in cash at the bookies.

On the subject of 'are we born as CGs', I'd agree that any addiction plus a number of other traits can be genetic, but from my own personal experience, I'm not aware of any older family members being addicts, so I dont think I was born with it, but others on here think they were. For me my childhood situation dictated to a large degree the person I am (I'd argue this is the same of the majority of people, our formative years shape us) but only particular life decisions and events turned me from a 'normal' gambler to a CG. Those decisions and events put me in situations which I couldn't cope with, and I turned to gambling as an escape / a bigger hobby than it had been / a release.

But after I became a CG, there was no turning back really. Took a number of years for me to admit a problem. I recognised that I'd used gambling as a coping mechanism, but I thought when certain things changed I'd get back to normal, I didnt appreciate then that when the bug gets inside you, it never goes away. Still surprises me on here to hear people say that after a certain period of abstinence, they dont get any urges, dont think about gambling at all. Not my experience, for me its like my body tells me its hungry so I eat, I'm tired so I need to sleep, a bug inside me tells me I should be gambling. 

I do think CG brains are wired differently, most visible when in the moment of chasing losses and being completely off the rails and not sensible and choosing selections you never would normally and/or increasing amounts beyond what you know you should.

Can you determine when/why you started losing and when it became more compulsive, triggers/events which had an impact on that at all? Logically something must have changed.

It aint going away.

Captain 

Morning Tizzy

Unfortunately its a whole week of conference calls, either 3 or 4 each day, gonna be a tough week 🙁

Good word you made up there 'betable' - should take out a copyright on that, make some money 😉

I find it really interesting when you say you didnt encounter slots for 2 years but then the pull and the urge was as great as ever, can totally understand that. Maybe for your own good I just wish that you could recall the bad losses and the chasing and negative feelings around it all, while you always just focus on the buzz and the good feeling and the positives of your involvement. I like to think I take a more balanced view now, remembering the good times and the bad, but it wasnt always easy to think that way.

Here's a couple of analogy examples which may or may not be relevant. 

a. I'm not in touch with any of my previous partners/girlfriends but say I bumped into one of them - my memories on the relationship would be balanced, some good times, great times even, but also the stress and anxiety of the fallouts, breakups, not so good times. So say hypothetically they suggested getting back together, I'd say No, because I can recall the bad times and the splits and they happened for a reason.

b. I have had past issues with intolerance of some foods. When I think of those foods now, all I recall is that the last x amount of times I ate them, they made me sick. I dont recall the memories from many years previous when I ate and enjoyed those foods without any problem.

Its not easy...to be continued.....tune in again soon for the next episode of the Captain and Tizzy recovery story 😉

It aint going away.

Captain 

Morning Tizzy

Been a hectic week as predicted. Just wanted to check in this morning before I start work. 4 conference calls today then I'm done!

Hope all went ok with your Dad yesterday.

Payday today - the day a lot of gamblers lose all their wages as we know - even those who have abstained for a month will be tempted again today. I'm going to do some online Christmas shopping at the weekend then same again end of November. Luckily I dont have many to get for, but will do the best I can.

A scenario I've been thinking about a lot, which doesn't apply to you with Slots as you cant predict in advance but be interested in your thoughts theoretically - we have talked a lot about the chasing and losing all we have and how bad we feel afterwards. Yes I have had lots of occasions like that over the years, too many to mention. But my worst experiences, worse than losing a lot, are the times when I correctly predicted a sports event and it won and I didnt put the bet on, either due to it being a period when I was trying to stay away, or because I had run out of money gambling on random nonsense. So say on a Monday or Tuesday I predict something for the weekend, but by the weekend I have lost everything and dont bet on it - I then watched or tracked the event praying for the result/winner to be anything other than what I predicted - then when my selection won I'd be in total disarray, beat myself up mentally, not function right for days, call myself all the stupid idiots of the world and worse. So summary - predicting a winner ( and we are talking about large returns) and not putting the bet on has been my worst experience  - interested in your thoughts.

It aint going away

Captain 

Hi Tizzy

Given that I've started doing some Christmas shopping online ( and I've got to do my Mothers too this year 🙁 ), this is when I need to get my head organised between 'Its Autumn' and 'Its the lead up to Christmas'. Always been a challenge, Autumn never lasts long enough -  the appearance is there and its great and long may it continue, I just need to be able to 'block out' time for Christmas shopping and not let it get in the way of just enjoying Autumn. Then work is busy. In years gone by the gambling occupied so much of my time and I didnt always enjoy my favourite season as much as I should have, and also I didnt devote enough time to enjoying the festive period. Realised these things at the time but often felt powerless to do anything about it, gambling took over.

Went out yesterday. 3rd Saturday in a year, hope it can become more regular. 

Not a good service at all re your Dad, he should definitely have been advised in advance. Hope he gets notification soon and for definite this time.

Well Tizzy thats the 3rd time since we started corresponding that you have reported a big loss and an intention to say Goodbye to it for good. I'm sure in your head on the day after you convince yourself 'no more', 'that has to be the last time', 'I cant go on like this' etc. but after a few days, a week whatever, the other side of your brain convinces you that you can get on board the train again and this time it will all be ok, this time it will be different, better, you will stay in control, you will keep to a limit, you won't chase losses. Thats what this addiction is like, you know that, its clever, it accepts you are in a bad place, goes to sleep then wakes up and prods you again at the point you have recovered a bit. You say about pains in your head, Yes I said to you before I had more headaches, felt weak, stressed, affected my energy levels etc. I've got to quote the old saying here 'Nothing changes if nothing changes'  - so if you still go to Bingo, the temptation is still there, if you can still borrow from your OH, no change there. Willpower will only take you so far, you have to change something or some event happens or you are forced to stop financially, otherwise its likely the current cycle will continue. In some sense you are more fortunate than me and others where you dont have debts with companies. You have your own income and your OH and thats where you draw the line. Much worse financially if you lose it all then go and borrow and take out loans and have interest to pay etc.

Thanks for the thoughts on my 'regret over not placing a bet' scenario - my experiences in that arena do still haunt Yes, in some cases just as much as the huge losses occasions. Not placing bets on selections which would have won large amounts, in 2 examples, ruined a holiday and ruined a relationship.

Back to Autumn 🙂  And when am I getting some cupcakes or coffee cake ? 😉

It aint going away.

Captain 

Hi Tizzy

Hows the decorating going? Have you started yet? And did you get the dining room table?

I'm still racking my brains trying to identify Christmas presents to get for my  Mother's friends....she cant really be bothered and hasn't suggested much. A nightdress was one thing  - so I've to choose a nightdress for a 75 year old 🙂

Not much to report other than that, work remains busy, still enjoying Autumn including a lunchtime run round the park today, watched drama ' The Long Call', another one in the 'ok' category. Other dramas remain on hold until I get all the episodes.

Aside from my daily 'marks out of 10' ( 6 today), I'd probably say I'm not quite as flat at the moment as I have been at other points over the last year, not sure why, guess just because of Autumn, but I've always been conscious that periods of no gambling leave me feeling flat, my body has been so used to ups and downs and highs and lows over the years. Outwith gambling and competitive sport, I havent experienced highs and lows. Say family members dying and new relationships / relationships going downhill / ending, those are different types of people related emotions, not the same as competitive emotions.

Just over a month till my meeting with the bank so conscious of that.

Take care BFF.

It aint going away.

Captain

Hi Tizzy

I'll remember that date for your Dad's op - I have some important work starting that day.

Fresh from searching for nighties online ( never thought I'd see the day 😉 ), the latest idea is 'a lamp' - well lamps come in all shapes and sizes and colours - how the heck am I meant to pick a lamp??!   Same wavelength re the M&S biscuits tho - they have been a  'go to' for many years 🙂

Good to hear you remain 'clean' and maybe the room makeover will give you a hobby for a while at least. 

Found a book that you may like, haven't read it but from title and description it may appeal - The Girl Gambler by Stacey Goodwin

Another week of days going fast and making up flexitime - vicious circle tho - if I take a flex day I've got more to catch up on - keep the time for days off before and after Christmas - only time of year you can take a few days off and most others off too so my workload doesn't increase in my absence.

No-one has bought the local outlet which used to be a bookies yet - lyrics of a song came into my head when I passed today - dunno if you recall - song called Come Dancing by the Kinks - lyrics were about a dance hall no longer there;

' my sister went there on a Saturday' and  'Theres a car park where the palais used to stand'  - was thinking about writing a song similar  - 'There's a charity shop where the bookies used to plot, Captain used to bet the virtual horses until he lost the lot' 

It aint going away.

Captain 

Hi Tizzy

Good that you remain GF - how does that make you feel?

The fireworks round my way reduce year on year, think the popularity just isnt there now.

Showtrial and Angela both on my 'wait till I've got the lot' list at the moment, same with Departure.

Ever conscious that my workouts at the gym aren't as good as they used to be. Sure I'm getting older but gambling was a factor - after a losing day/night, I'd call myself all the idiots of the day the next day and push myself harder on the machines, some kind of masochist punishment 🙁

Long before I realised that we are in it for the buzz, not the winning, I couldn't understand why after a winning run there was just so often that I'd throw it all away, many times deliberately based on the illness inside me. I came to appreciate that whether it was me or the illness or a combination, I needed to experience ups and downs, winning and losing, throw a bundle away so that I could then become some sort of magician or hero by building up from nothing again. Madness. Get in a financial mess, feel ill, feel sick, loathe myself, try and convince myself that 'deliberate' loss would be the last time, take a break for a while, sometimes enforced due to lack of ammunition, other times when I had some money left being sensible and not going back to it until I had a clear head again. I'm sure this is a familiar scenario to you.

Sure I watch more TV and boxsets now and I listen to more music now and I get pleasure from those things and also just natural scenes and wildlife. But I'm living in a box with a padlock on it.

It aint going away.

Captain 

Hi Tizzy

sorry to read that you weren't feeling great yesterday and glad that hearing from me maybe helped a little - us BFF CGs need to stick together and support each other 🙂

Totally agree, not easy to be thankful for what we have, to remember that we are better off than many in various ways, that we have led a great life with so many happy memories in comparison to others. I do try and think that way often but I need to think about it more and embrace it more.

No surprise that you are bored and not feeling like you have achieved anything after your 10 days. Many will say 10 days isnt long and you will feel more and more better in time  ( song comes to mind 'Better in Time' by Leona Lewis. ). Some say after a while they dont think about gambling at all. Not my experience during my various periods of abstinence. Said before there are many varying extents of this illness/disease and not all problem gamblers / compulsive gamblers are the same. Experiences differ in terms of number of years you gambled, what you gambled on, how much of your time it consumed etc. How important a factor it was/is in your life. On the time side, for me, its not about how much time you spend actually gambling, its how much time you spending *thinking* about it, planning it, looking forward to it, how much of a reliance you have on it to function in life. Sure that functioning is sometimes negative rather than positive but we have learned to live a life like that and its so difficult to not have that 'drug' to rely on, that place to escape to, that means of coping.

Being locked in our boxes isnt easy, but its about the pull of positive feelings enabling us to somehow get the key and unlock, or being able to focus on the horrendous downsides and being able to tell ourselves that the box is ok, its safe, its warm, you cannot do any more financial, physical or mental damage to yourself or to others if you stay 'locked up'.

Latest orders for me to search for - a necklace, a brooch, slippers, I've an exciting evening in store 😉

It aint going away.

Captain

Hi Tizzy

Was on chat last night, no 'conversation' as such, purely people just asking each other how they are and mentioning gamble free days. Not the best, but sometimes its like that. Sure I could introduce a topic to stimulate conversation but I often cant be bothered, my main focus is to provide any help/guidance to others but there were none on last night who needed that. Multi tasked doing more Mum Christmas shopping 🙂

re the sensible and logical versus the devil scenario, Yes I get that. From a gambling perspective, for me planning and placing a bet in advance was the logical side. Times when I sat in the office and watched the clock and couldn't wait for lunchtime was the other side, I was *desperate* for a bet - on anything - I'd walk into the bookies on those days and bet on the first race which was running, usually based on a 15 second look at the form, crazy. But many of those occasions ended up winning days. The worst devil has been the out of control, force myself to lose, gambling crazy amounts on things I know probably won't win. On those occasions there really was someone else inside me, controlling me 100%.

On other 'naughty' things, I 'd say they are only naughty if some negative comes of them, so staying in bed longer ( to sleep or otherwise, I can just about remember the otherwise 😉 ), phoning in work sick when you are ok but cant be bothered, staying out drinking for longer than you intended to ( again a distant memory, been teetotal for years but I had my share of nights out and hangovers!), if there are no real bad after effects for you or anyone else, I wouldnt count them as naughty and not influenced by any devil per se. Even my affairs/relationships I wouldnt count as they were predominately positive.

On love of gambling, there are probably not many on here who would say that, but as usual, I'm with you. Think only difference is I have a more balanced view of the negative side of it and you can more easily forget that side and focus on the buzz and positives. 

As a rival to your nod to Will Young song, mine was always Clown by Emily Sande, where some of the lyrics are about being a clown 'behind the glass', laugh cos its funny, I would too, if I saw me' - always thought of myself standing in a bookies which had clear windows for folk to view inside where I was the clown standing losing all my money and finding it physically impossible to leave.

It aint going away.

Captain

Hi Tizzy

Christmas shopping going ok, got most of my Mothers, need to let her see a few things herself online when I visit, better than me ordering stuff just to then be told its not right 🙂

Had a bad couple of days, head just not been in a great place, no real reason, just think I wish I could turn the clock back sometimes, happens time to time then I re-focus.

Watched The Tower which was another 'ok', Close to Me, Showtrial, Angela Black all still queued up.

A work Christmas lunch has been arranged - apparently would be good to see everyone again - didnt take me long to decline 🙂 - hated these things for years, listening to other people babbling, nothing to contribute to the conversation and (not that I needed it) but they were a big trigger to gamble - could guarantee I'd do my money that night after the lunch and it also had a negative effect on my confidence.

Hope you are still gf and you have a nice day at your parents.

It aint going away.

Captain 

Hi Tizzy

Agreed re it being difficult to spell out everything on here, I've often had to stop short.

And I have been often guilty of giving advice to others which I havent heeded myself over the years. I feel that I have all the advice, all the answers, I can be a great help to a lot of people but given my journey has taken so long, there are many others who can give advice just as good and particularly those who have completely stopped first time around, perhaps newcomers will take advice readier from them than someone with multiple attempts and multiple paths down the years like me. But my comments on chat do resonate with most.

Been a bit better last couple of days, I know you understand that the ups and downs are inevitable. Sometimes I feel like I'm 'teetering on the brink' to coin a phrase 🙂

Started watching Angela last night, seems above average, I'm a bit fed up watching stuff which is just run of the mill, often feel I'm just watching stuff to pass the time and wonder what else more productive I could be doing instead. I long for series which I binge watched and couldn't wait for the next episode but cant always expect to find stuff like that - Teachers, The Fall, Luther, Line Of Duty and The Affair were all in that category. I still miss The Affair like a long lost friend, thought it was just fantastic. 

Glad you had a nice day at your parents. Hey maybe you should go into doing baking and selling it with your coffee cupcakes etc. 😉 

Took some pictures in the park at lunchtime today, add to my Autumn collection. I do realise how lucky I am with having a nice local area, especially in Autumn and Winter.

It aint going away.

Captain

Hi Tizzy

Yeah I guess as you say there are many times we watch a series and then say it was a waste of time. I just feel I'm doing too much of that at the minute and need something better/different to do with my spare time. Its just an ongoing challenge to fill time which would normally be spent somewhere in the realm of planning, doing, recovering from gambling.

Work continues to be challenging but nothing I cant cope with and I'm great at switching off when the day is done / at weekends and forgetting about it. Need to go into office next week so see how that goes.

I have Christmas shopping starting to be delivered and its a matter of sorting it out between my Mother's shopping and my own both in terms of items and financially and then also working out what has still to be bought ( at November end of month payday) so thats giving me a temporary pastime.

Here's an area for thought  - gambling gives us and some others close to us many emotions and feelings- joy, despair, heartache, delight, worry, illness, sleepless nights. We can go through all of these and more in one gambling session, one day, very short periods of time. It can take months or years of time to experience the same emotions in 'normal' life. Could say some gamblers escape from regular humdrum boring existences into the world of gambling and feel more alive because of it. Could say when people are experiencing these feelings and emotions in normal life they dont need gambling. Or when its a cluster of the negative emotions together, they actually feel they need gambling more, to get away from all the negativity. Could also say when experiencing a lot of positive emotions in normal life, you want more and run to gambling to 'celebrate'. A lot of this resonates with me.

Things that bothered me with gambling in the past - those who wanted bad things to happen to 'gain' money - shouting for horses to fall, dogs to come to harm, hatred aimed at opposing competitors/ teams, couldn't be doing with any of that stuff....maybe different for you in slots, maybe you just hate the machine and try another one 🙂

Hope you are having a good week

It aint going away.

Captain 

Hi Tizzy

Watched the last episodes of Angela Black - better than some of the recent average dramas but still not top drawer. Got me thinking - I guess I've always wanted 'top drawer' things in my life, crave them. At the moment I'm comparing average dramas to those I marked 10/10, but same thing has applied in gambling where winning on the top football, golf, tennis, racing events gave more of a buzz than the lesser events, but the top events dont come along often enough. Then in my own sporting life, winning races and leagues and cups and individual competitions were great, but even all the wins were not 'top drawer' - if I won a race easy or my team won a cup final but I didnt play that well, it wasnt as good.

Get the communicating with people thing - whether it was fellow gamblers in the bookies or those in the office following a lunchtime session, my communication was definitely better, I was more confident  / outgoing when the session had been successful. And Yes I've had my share of fallouts with those in the bookies - for getting in the way so I couldn't see the screen, talking to me and interrupting my concentration, pointing out to me why I should have backed a certain horse. I've also had them ask me what was going to win a horse or dog race - some would rather take my view than read what the 'experts' say in the Racing papers ??? 🙂 and I've given some short sharp responses. Also slammed counters and walls and doors in frustration following near misses and losing sessions. My communication and behaviour are different as a gambler to that of Captain the ordinary geezer.

Back in the office this week, could really do without it.

Was on chat a couple of times during the week. Dull stuff, no-one I could help and no benefit to me. Plus some people making a big deal out of virtually nothing.

Hope you are sleeping better and the parent visit was enjoyable and best wishes to your Dad for tomorrow.

It aint going away.

Captain

Hi Tizzy

Glad your Dad got through yesterday and lets hope he makes a positive recovery and can enjoy a better life from now on.

Life back in the office isnt good, I'm stressed. As you know I'm a loner and an introvert and having had so long working at home, I'm really struggling in amongst people again in general. Would be just as busy working at home but I have more control over my time, I can be more flexible. In the office I get called upon to answer questions and into meetings etc. and because you are face to face you cant do anything else while in the meeting. At home I can 'tune in' to a meeting and just 'wake up' when asked something and be progressing something else at the same time. Breaks are shorter, lunch is shorter. But makes for a longer day. At least its only 3 days a week just now so working at home again Thursday and Friday.

re working in a bookies, I did have that thought myself once but only as one of these 'do it for a day' things - I couldn't be in a job dealing with customers all day, havent got the personality or patience. Would be good observing all the body language and comments though from 'behind the counter'. Also I'd not be able to stop myself giving out advice i.e. take a betting slip and look at it and say to the punter, 'that will never win, you're wasting your money'. So a number of reasons why it wouldnt work for me. Plus it doesn't pay much 🙂

Much like you last night, I need sleep tonight, office life is tiring 🙁

It aint going away.

Captain 

Hi Tizzy

Glad to be back working from home today, feel much more comfortable, get more done. I agree I need to be around people at times, but my trips to the Health club achieve that. I go at varying times but given number of years I've been a member, always see people I know and have brief chats. They dont really know me, they dont know I'm an addict, would probably be shocked. I know some of their forenames and not others. Similar to time in the bookies, but of course there was only one topic of conversation in there 😉

Think you have guessed me wrong about Christmas in some respects. As I've said my favourite season is Autumn and it doesn't last long enough for me, barely 2 months and most leaves are off the trees. But I do enjoy the festive season, the general feel in the air and I embrace by listening to Christmas carols and music, going to Church on Christmas Eve and watching some Christmas movies and I put up a tree and a few decorations in early December each year. Given the type of person I am I dont meet people / spend time with others. In my younger years I could be the life and soul of work based Christmas parties and enjoyed others coming to our house when I was a kid at New Year but for many years, I have spent most time on my own when on holiday over Christmas and New Year and Christmas Day is just me and my Mother.

As for it being a good time of year, well for so long any time of year being good or not depended on how successful my gambling was 🙂  There were 2 years I didnt put a Christmas tree up, due to being too down about things. Both years I regretted it later and said I wouldnt do that again.

Started watching Showtrial, seems quite good so far. Have all episodes of Departure series 2 as well now so quite looking forward to that, enjoyed the first series.

How is your Dad doing now?

It aint going away.

Captain