My journey..

Hi Tizzy 

Not much to report but just checking in, another standard weekend, another standard Monday back at work. Although lack of interest in sports events more and more shows just how little genuine interest I had in them, not watching and gambling on them continues to leave me a hell of a lot of dead time.

Interesting that you have no access to cash now, was that initiated by you or your OH? I had opportunity to do that years ago but felt it would reduce my confidence and having to ask my wife for pocket money etc. Not disputing it’s a great way to avoid gambling but I think some can handle it and some cannot.

Forgot to charge my music device and so had to exercise at gym today without - so much more difficult ? - found myself inwardly singing to myself pretending the tunes were on ?

Away to make my tea - burgers - speak soon BFF 

Captain 

Hi Tizzy

Thanks for your encouragement and optimism. I cant guarantee future poems will be any brighter, but we'll see.  I have tended to write them over the last year to reflect my feelings on that day. As you have deduced I've had more bad days than average recently and been a few weeks since a good day.

re some of my recent posts being shorter, Yes we are in touch frequently (which is great 🙂 ) and not a lot different happens in my life so sometimes I won't have a lot to share and I'm conscious of not just writing repetitive boring stuff. Also I'm critical of other diaries which describe people's lives with not a hint of anything on gambling recovery so dont want to be pot calling kettle!

Still queues for fuel around here which I've just seen in passing, I'll be ok for a couple of weeks myself. Definitely glad its Autumn and been a lot cooler last couple of days and raining and getting earlier dark which I'm good with. 

My Mum isnt any better, she is expecting improvement every day, although the Doc told her 6 weeks before it starts healing. Definitely concerned this will affect her confidence and well being long term.

Started reading new Peter Shilton book ( he stopped gambling after 45 years).

My mate hasn't been in touch since July ( he is probably thinking he hasn't heard from me in a while either). But our main conversation topic is always gambling so I'm not seeing the point of getting in touch. May have said before that he has operated for years based on a set monthly amount he gambles with, some months he may win, most he will lose, but most he won't lose the whole set amount. Over a year he always loses, but loves the fun and involvement and has never been in debt and never would be. He is aware of me being a CG and he gets why some people would be that way and he always refers to a time about 20 years ago when he went to GA just the once after he lost all his allocated money 3 or 4 months in a row but that was just a one off for him.

Hope you are staying clear of slots and ok with that.

Captain

Hi Tizzy 

Haha re the long johns ?- I’m so glad it’s cooler, it was a long summer, but definitely no heating on till November as usual!

Great post re payday and abstinence - Yes proper abstinence is only when someone has access to funds- having no money and therefore not being able to gamble doesn’t count, although for some it can be a useful period to collect thoughts and try and plan ahead. And Yes we are great at remembering the good times and highs of winning and all too easy to dismiss the days of big losses and their impact from our memory. When you say nothing compares to the feeling of a big win, for me the feelings I got from scoring goals, winning football trophies and races were better as they were down to either me or me as part of a team. Wins from gambling gave me highs of a different kind. 

I’m sure Yes we would have many experiences and stories to exchange ?

I didn’t notice the new drama from last night, what was that called?

Arsenal are certainly coming good again, was always gonna happen, they had a tough fixture list at the beginning of the season.

Still no sign of going back to office, most people’s preferences are to continue at home and management seem fine with that so until some sort of big meeting on site I’ll continue at home too. Not had to buy any work clothes for 2 years now and not ironed a shirt for 18 months ?

Hope you are enjoying your free day.

Captain 

Hi Tizzy

Always great to hear from. I smile when I see you have sent me a post, brightens my day. 🙂

On Saturdays I get up and do house chores and have 3 checks - 

a. Am I 'down' enough to go back to bed after the chores - today I'm not so thats good

b. Do I feel like listening to music when doing the chores - today I dont

c. Am I 'up' enough to be able to go to the shops and for a coffee - today I' not

So overall 4/10 today.

Yes I strongly believe (in conjunction with some counsellors and also a lot of online reading plus my own experiences ) that compulsive gamblers are filling a void and have something missing from their lives. (Probably same with other addictions but I dont have first hand experience of others). I know my voids and unfortunately most of them cannot be replaced now.

For you, let me be harsh here - my take is -  you love your OH, your daughter, your grandson, but thats not enough  - these 3 people combined with how you feel within yourself and how you spend your life has something missing - gambling fills that gap. Maybe there are other things you could do to fill the gap or make life changes. We know its not that easy. Certainly for me despite all the downsides, there have been times when I've felt only winning when gambling got me through some days and I was actually able to help people and do things both at work and outwith due to the highs. But then again if I had managed to live my life without gambling and the highs and lows I'd be a different person.

I watch and read gambling stuff online too - and as you know have visited bookmakers when not gambling - people will say these are definite Nos but the interest is still there and I still want to gamble every day and I cant and dont want to block it out completely, I have gone through various periods of recovery and reduction and abstinence at my own pace and in my own way.

I take contentment from the simple things in life, standing at my back door looking at the garden and the wildlife, a trip to walk along the beach and look out at the sea. Yesterday I went our at lunchtime for a walk in the pouring rain, loved it. Some people dont venture out at all if its raining, I love getting soaked. But these things aren't enough to provide fulfillment. My periods in life where I was almost fully fulfilled were many years ago, and notice I say almost. Before the bad decisions and before increased gambling to help me cope or as an escape after those decisions.

Agreed it would be good to send pics on here, even better if you could have 1:1 chats based on striking up friendships like ours - many other chat type sites do it so maybe Gamcare could. I'm always mindful of this being a public forum so I feel there are limits as to what I can type which wouldnt be there in a 1:1 chat.

The new book isnt very good. I could write one much better 😉   ( Seriously though I could, but it wouldnt be published because I'm a regular geezer not an ex-famous pro footballer ). It doesn't go into detail about the gambling experiences or feelings, just basically comes down to - he met his 2nd wife, fell in love, she found out about his gambling, he quit as he was going to lose her if he didnt. He gambled for 45 years, amounts quoted that he lost are less than mine, despite him obviously earning more than me. They are doing a lot to promote the dangers of getting sucked into gambling which is obviously a good thing. The book quotes (like many others similar do) - if this book helps just one person   - honestly I dont think there is much in it to help many - I could write a book which would be of more help, in fact I've probably given out more advice on chat on here over the years that has hopefully helped some people than is in the book. Interestingly as well, his wife says he looks much happier now having abstained for 6 years, he doesn't say that. Sure he took the decision to quit so he wouldnt lose her but he doesn't say he is happier, doesn't say he doesn't miss the horses etc. Also there is zero mention of his kids from his first marriage which I find a bit strange.

Did get me thinking on the relationship front - there was definitely one girl from pre CG days that I do think if I had stayed with her for life I would never have become a CG. Cant say for certain of course and it wasnt a long relationship but just the feeling I have. 

Hope you enjoy your night and the cupcakes 🙂

Captain 

Hi Tizzy 

Just a note to say sorry I’ve not been in touch, not been well last few days. Will write a longer post when a bit better.

Captain 

Hi Tizzy

Feel a bit better today. Dont want to say what was wrong, just a bit paranoid that someone from work reads it and ties it up with me ( I know that means the person would also have a gambling problem or related to someone who has and probably little chance but.....)

Anyway reflecting on your last post, glad I make you smile 🙂

Hope your evening(s) out have went ok without mishap.

re us needing more and the normal things not cutting it, I can at least recall and point to a time many years ago when I was fulfilled and didnt need anything 'extra' but it didnt last, things and people didnt stay the same, didnt pan out as I hoped and as you have read from diary excerpts, my journey into being a CG was progressive, with more than one event contributing to the slippery slope. In comparison, I've read about plenty of others who can point to one life event which was the sole reason.

Here's the bit I cant get and have never been able to get - the CGs / problem gamblers who 'suddenly' realise they have a great life and family and they have everything they want and need right there and didnt appreciate it - if thats the case, why did they spend all their time and money and energy gambling - I dont buy it - I dont think they are being truthful - perhaps more a case of needing to stop and settle for what they have, at least short term, even if what they have is not fulfilling. Lets take an example - someone leaves work and regularly decides to go to the bookmakers or casino instead of going home - they have a wife/husband/partner and maybe kids at home but they elect to go and gamble instead - something at home isnt right. Similar scenario for someone going to the pub regular after work instead of going home, or someone has an affair but claims their marriage/ relationship is great - well no it isnt or the affair wouldnt happen. All of these things are filling a void.

Trying to find a reason/excuse for some office working soon, not proving easy with majority wanting to work from home but it would give me a break from the routine.

Captain 

Hi Tizzy

Liking the sign off on your post 'your BFF' :-), we have certainly developed a sound friendship in a short space of time.

Today I ran a race for the first time since pre-COVID. Didn't run very well but at least I ran. (As usual to put in perspective, all those ahead of me were 30 years or more younger) (no exaggeration) but on a better day I would have caught one or two of them. Some races are a real mix of age groups but on those like today there was only one other person I saw who looked around my age so I wonder if some of the spectators are looking at me thinking 'he's running well for an old geezer'...

I'm not sure what my expectations are with races these days- I go out running and to the gym and keep the weight off, but obviously I cant run as fast as when younger. Maybe part of me is thinking my racing days are over, another part trying to convince myself to keep doing them now and again and see what happens. Maybe about 300 people there today, spoke to one guy who was alongside me at the start, didnt know anyone though, its another example of me as a loner pursuing a solitary hobby in running, like gambling, and also one which is competitive, although as I say I'm not sure where the competitive bit comes in these days. Got to a point in the race where there was no way I was catching those ahead of me, looked behind and no-one else in sight so effectively from there I'm just running along on my own, completing the course.

Then went to an event in the local park, few stalls etc., again didnt know anyone, maybe about 100 there, just wandered about.

So I've been out twice in the one day, breaks the routine, feels like I've ticked a box and as long as it stays Autumn I'm brighter. Generally though still in two minds about whether to just say my life is what it is and there are a lot of people much worse off, or whether anything can change to make it better. As I keep emphasising (although most on here dont go along with or understand), this is about current circumstances, not about gambling or not. Sure my financial position due to gambling has an impact, but its only part of the situation/problem. Lets say (optimistically but maybe not realistically) that I was able to improve my financial situation  - it would take a weight off my mind but otherwise my life wouldnt change. Sorry starting to ramble a but now, just thinking out loud 😉  Not being well last week probably gave me too much time to think, usually work fills 40 hours of my week, also on chat and reading some diaries, there is a consistency about people's lives being better due to abstinence. I'm pleased for them, I really am, but as I've said before, during various periods of abstinence during my recovery, my life is just different not better - I dont want anyone's sympathy or even understanding over that, just acceptance - not everyone's life gets better just because they stop gambling. 

Hope your weekend is going well BFF

Captain

Hi Tizzy

Up at 6/10 yesterday and today, for how long I'm not sure 🙂 - great walk at lunchtime today, just in local area as usual but walking in Autumn just miles better for me, great colours, clean fresh cool air, better atmosphere etc.

For the record ( I know you already appreciate this Tizzy but for any others reading) - my 2 ventures out yesterday were to events which hadn't taken place since pre-Covid - they are NOT things which are new due to not gambling, I have always done these things, with very odd exception of the event following an exceptionally bad losing day where I couldn't face going. Good that the events have come around again though. The only thing which has changed during my current recovery period is that I have filled in a lot of time watching boxsets and old TV programmes off catch-up from years ago which I had never even heard of before. So Yes I spent a lot of time planning and doing gambling but I have had some other pursuits over the years, I'm not in the category which a lot seem to be where they stop gambling and see 'all these other opportunities open up', a popular one being to start exercising and also start eating properly - I have always kept fit and been careful of what I eat. Not all gamblers behave like down and outs and dont care about themselves, contrary to what some would have you believe 😉 - rant over !

FYI my race was 5k - I was competitive over 5k years ago, could usually finish in top 20 of events with around 400 runners. Then when I was only in the top 100 as I got older, I switched to 10k, which was just a matter of finishing the course, no emphasis on times or finishing order. Now I cant do 10k so I'm back at 5k, and whilst its not a problem to complete the course, I need to try and adjust my mindset to just 'completing not competing' and focus on the feel good factor of just doing the race but that is proving hard.

re your slots, great that you have stayed away from online, but you have recorded on here a couple of times an ambition to stop completely then gone back on that, I wonder how it will play out. Different for me being involved in different types of gambling and cutting down/eliminating each one over various periods based on what I could 'live without' e.g.

Omit all dogs/random

Omit all Snooker

Reduce Golf to majors only

Reduce football to only Tuesday and Saturday 

These were all examples of steps taken. I dunno if you could say reduce to twice a week / once a week?

Great news re your Dad, you must be relieved. Mum is just the same, gonna take some time, she is more down about not being able to do things than about suffering the pain.

Hope you enjoy your time away. Keep in touch while away if you can. I have flitted with the idea of a break for a few months but 1. It doesn't quite feel right and 2. The cost of accommodation has shot up so much with so many people staying in the UK.

Captain 

Hi Tizzy 

Thanks for checking in. Appreciate you are on your hols but I’m missing you (maybe sad but true ?).

Look forward to hearing from you again soon and then I’ll share my latest thoughts and updates. 

Captain 

Hi Tizzy

Yes the sunshine and the autumnal feel is a great mix 🙂

Sad about OH Mum - have to admit I'd be passive about any situation like that too, I'm not an emotional person in general.

We have a few things in common, with probably our shared love of gambling most prominent. People will say how can you love something was has broken you financially and had numerous other downsides and bad experiences but as I've said before the involvement and buzz were like no other feeling except sporting achievements for me.

Been on chat last 2 nights and good chat on both occasions. Referred to the Paul Merson documentary  which was on Monday night, dont know if you watched? Although your gambling is slots, maybe some references to feelings and emotions rang true? Definitely a lot I could relate to. He said 'it aint going away' - great phrase, I've been using that daily - drink and drugs go away when you dont put them inside you, but the gambling beast is inside you already. ( Not saying alcoholics and drug users dont have cravings of course, but they need to put more inside to get the effect/feeling). The 'experiment' he did was great re looking at pictures of food, nature, family, gambling etc and his brain not reacting much to anything except the gambling. I totally get that. Yeah I get pleasure from autumn days, feel better after exercise, enjoy watching 'not to be missed' programmes but the gambling buzz is a different level.

Someone on chat asked the question of everyone 'Are you happier not gambling?' - everyone said Yes except me. Not the first time on chat / on this Forum I've been the odd one out 😉   Been reflecting on that and the feelings/process I went through. With apologies if this is repetitive and I've typed it before / on my diary but do want to document it for the record.

For many years the highlights of each day were two-fold - placing the advance bet and then watching the event. Those two times of the day on so many days enabled me to feel happier and function better, assume like taking a drug twice a day. But I couldn't just keep to that. Instead I gambled in an unplanned fashion when bored or stressed and/or chased losses after my original selections failed to win. I could not accept loss so I could never win or be content losing an affordable amount. I could not identify other things to do to address the boredom and stress. I had periods of time where I stayed in control and gambled only on what I wanted to. During those periods my finances, health and life in general were all better. I was able to stay in control during periods of a mix of determination and because there were other things happening in my life which reduced boredom/stress/feeling of need to chase.

Will you ever be prepared to totally stop? Who knows. As you know it was effectively forced on me, after making every effort to control, cut down, manage it etc etc. If not forced I would have kept trying. But I'm obliged to advise you and everyone else to quit all if you can. If I could have quit in my 20s my life would have been better. Sure many other factors have contributed to being where I am today but the financial side would be ok if nothing else.

Acknowledge that your break isnt exciting but at least you are seeing something different each day for a while. Make the most of it.

Captain 

Hi Tizzy

Another stay-in Saturday for me - as you know I have only ventured out on 2 Saturdays in the last year. I dont have a problem wandering around and going for a coffee on a lunchtime weekday but find it much harder on a Saturday. I'm still not sure how/why I managed in on the 2 Saturdays I did. Can only say that Saturday historically was the main gambling day. On a weekday I'm taking a break from work, I 'fit in'. On a Saturday I dont - in my mind I see other people who have a 'weekend life' as its kind of alien to me, something I've not had for over 30 years, so better to stay at home. Another thing is clock watching on an evening till its bedtime - the dreams I have are far better than my real life so its a shut off and going to bed is something I look forward to. Some will say this is depression - have had some dialogue on this before, if it is its not real depression as I've never not been able to do my job, never not kept my house tidy, never not exercised etc. and I dont get down. The marks out of ten I give myself daily are about feel good factor yeah but its all connected to life without gambling. I've known and seen people with depression and I've never been like that.

re people being happier, Yes I think some are in denial - they say they are happier not gambling because they feel that is what is expected. But for many giving up gambling is only part of the life issues they have, and it may take time to address other aspects. Totally agree re you and I struggling to get highs and lows from normal stuff and I do think the age factor is a big thing - I'm constantly banging on about that on chat - if people can stop gambling when they are young and have only had a few years experience of the addiction they can recover more quickly and have so many more opportunities open to them than those in our age group who have had 30 years or so of the addictive gambling life.

There is no chance of your OH ever understanding - only other addicts do and also for me only a compulsive gambler understands another CG. Someone who is with respect 'only' a problem gambler cannot understand a CG i.e. a problem gambler would never dream of borrowing money / getting into debt to gamble, they cannot get that part. A CG needs the buzz and kicks so badly they will sometimes do almost anything to get more ammunition. I am certainly not proud of the lies I have told to borrow money under false pretences over the years but the bottom line was the need for money to gamble came before anything else, albeit I always had intention to pay the money back and have done, with exception of the agreed 'write-off' amount I have mentioned previously.

On the subject of me having a wife/partner, firstly as above re gambling they wouldnt understand - last partner I somehow managed never to mention gambling - but how can a guy my age with a decent salary have no money saved and no money spare. They would (understandably) want a 'proper' relationship, not just meet up now and again indoors, throw in an odd cheap meal out now and again. No holidays, cheap presents for birthdays and Christmas and oh Yes throw in that I need to be alone most of the time so we can see each other 2 nights a week maybe! My current situation is actually less feasible and less attractive than when I was gambling - with last partner above there were holidays and decent presents etc. which existed on winnings and borrowed money, both of which are not available to me now 🙁

Just one variation on the chasing and not walking away - when you say about people winning £x amount and then losing, that hasn't happened to me, my chasing and losing were all on occasions where I just couldn't win anything that day/session, was just always in debit so I had to either recover the day's losses or lose all I had. On days where I won, I was happy and 'up' that day and the up days were much more than the down, but then it took just that one day losing and chasing. Thats one of the primary reasons I found it so hard to quit, many periods told myself that if I could be winning/level and in control for 20 days in a row, why couldn't I accept a loss on Day 21....

Captain 

Hi Tizzy 

Hope you enjoy your time at the lodge and you sleep better than before, can’t have you feeling like a pensioner before your time?. I’ve been quite lucky with lodges in the past with nice comfortable beds. Have had a few hotel stays where I struggled though, recall being away on business and only 2 hours sleep some nights and struggling in office next day, although some of those occasions were partly due to outside noise as well.

Well that was my last family gardening of the year done today so for the next 5 months it’s either longer visits or back home faster, not sure which I prefer to be honest. Sometimes the conversation can be strained, partly due to them being  elderly and not having much going on in their lives (like I have ?) and partly just  relationships not that close. Plus of course the gambling and my position isn’t mentioned, not that they know the detail of my current situation.

Tv wise I seem to be at a stage just now where I have recorded episodes of a few serials but would prefer to wait and watch when I have all so kind of on hold. Watching snooker tonight, long time ago I gave up gambling on that so no triggers at all.

Looking to decide about a day or two off in November to do Christmas shopping. Most of it will be online like most folk but I do try to give the local shops some trade and I have holidays I need to take so probably better than squeezing it in during lunchtimes. 

Years ago I went and stayed at a cottage for a week in November and got my Christmas shopping while away, that was a change. (Must have had a decent win in October that year ? )

Thinking back to a couple of previous relationships where they didn’t know I gambled, I wonder what they thought of the extreme mood swings I had, normal trait of any CG, but they maybe just thought I was a moody geezer and went along with it and enjoyed my upbeat times in different ways and did their best to cope with the downsides. Mmmm (Promise I can be good company most of the time - back to the 20 days winning and one day losing scenario ? )

Captain 

Hey Tizzy

A late post from me tonight following an unplanned trip to my Mothers to clear up a flooded kitchen following washing machine issue and to facilitate ordering a new one 🙁

Had to smile that you were bored and in bed early 🙂 - been there, done that both at home and while away, but het at least you have a comfy bed now, always good in more ways than one eh 😉

I get the bit about not wanting to have any conversation with anyone after a bad loss. On 'blaming', I blamed myself 99% of the time and not others or the competitor/horse etc. However a similar thing though perhaps to what you describe was that I could never have my (then) wife in the same room when I was watching a sporting event I had gambled on, stressed me out, I needed to be alone, so we operated on an 'upstairs/downstairs' basis. Also if she was out and then came in in the middle of it, I'd hurry her in and tell her to get upstairs as quickly as possible. If say a goal against me or a missed putt at Golf happened just as she came in, I'd kind of blame her in my head! Crazy thoughts illustrating how our brains are wired differently from the norm. 

Just on the Golf, that was definitely the one which provided the best 'value for money' - one bet lasting 2 days or 4 days depending on when placed, providing your player stayed in contention, every drive, iron or putt provided some negative or positive buzz. I once read an article which said on a Thursday that punters were 'recovering only now' from the last round of the Golf the previous Sunday - totally got that - if after the 4 rounds you won, it was such a high, if you lost at the end of the 4th round on the Sunday you would be totally shattered - the amount of adrenalin and emotions you would go through, unbelievable. I get that the ups and downs occur when continually placing bets on events over a number of hours but to just have that one bet and it last for 2, 3 or 4 days, well as I say great value for money! But watch Golf without a bet - zero interest.

Havent got Netflix so no idea about this game you mentioned. Been watching Hollington Drive, thats 'ok', one more episode to watch which I recorded tonight.

Better get to bed, likely to sleep later tomorrow now and run behind schedule!

Captain 

Aw BFF Tizzy, you seem a bit down after your break, you used 'fed up' twice in your post 🙁

In my experience the best holidays have been when I have been in a relationship but not living together, and the break provided real quality time with the 'other half', got to know them better, had fun, almost irrespective of where we went. But going somewhere which has activities which are different from those at home, allows new experiences, new sights etc. also helps.  Flip the coin and the worst holidays have been when I went with the person I was living with to somewhere we had been before, too same old. Bring the gambling into the equation and on the first type, if I gambled, it wasnt excessively and I was totally in control, on the 2nd type, I'd use gambling to fill the void.

Notice I am saying gambling fills the void again, I strongly believe when we say it happened because of boredom or stress, thats not quite true. 'Normal' people find other ways to relieve boredom or stress, or other means of 'escape' from dull lives, but CGs and likely those with other addictions are wired differently and we turn to gambling to escape or to 'make life better'.

On the spoilt point, I was spoilt as a child, didn't do me any favours, realised that at the time, not just looking back, been over that with a counsellor. Not saying I had an unhappy childhood by any means but being spoilt and a few other aspects did create difficulties. On you having an easy life, would it help for you to find another job, even part-time, give you more independence?, or even look at starting some sort of new hobby?

You have said before your relationship with OH is a good one. Maybe you are just going through a stale phase, it happens, every relationship has ups and downs. Maybe you spend too much time together? re the age thing, whilst I read in the papers that a lot of people are more comfortable in their skin in their 50s than when younger, gambling and financial issues aside, for me the best years of your life are when you are young and I'll never be convinced otherwise. Again taking my personal situation aside, I do think it is hard at our age to 'start again' / develop a new life, not impossible but hard. I certainly dont know many people who acquire new friends at our age other than when they get into a new relationship. Other than that they will maintain whatever friendships and family they have had in the past.

So just playing back in my mind what I have just typed, I'm probably saying that a new relationship is the only way for someone in our age group to develop a new life. Likely many others will disagree but thats what my head says 😉

Having watched the Paul Merson TV programme, I''ve now got the book. Only had it a few days, nearly finished, cant put it down. Nothing new on the gambling front but just a great read covering his 3 addictions.

And come on Tizzy - the words Arsenal and title dont fit in the same sentence since Wenger left 🙂

I am quite upbeat today, on a 6/10, not sure why, lets see if we can get the 'fed up' phase out of you and you can join me 🙂

Captain 

Morning Tizzy

Back down at 5/10 yesterday and feels same today but thats not bad. Tough week at work ahead, already wishing it was the weekend and its only Monday morning 🙁  Lots of conference calls to get through, which have the expectation of appearing happy and content (need to practice my happy face beforehand 🙂 ). There are far too many people on these calls, numbers have increased dramatically versus how many were included while in the office. They sit in their houses and take pride at showing off some new item they have bought and others gush at how lovely it isa aargh.... also there is a chat function which runs parallel to the call which people add comments to (which would be fine if everyone took it seriously but honestly some people are so childish and some of the chat is so unprofessional and like being back at primary school 🙁 - maybe its just me but I'm not saying it has to be completely serious, just act your age not your shoe size!

Do I ever think about gambling in a controlled way? - numerous times every day Yes - as a loner and someone with a keen interest in sports I had my ideal hobby, took up a lot of my time studying, watching, playing, if I could have controlled it I'm not saying I would have won loads but I wouldnt have lost either. But unfortunately I became a CG, despite going through a number of periods where I was able to stay in control, ultimately I couldn't do it permanently, hit a number of rock bottoms and eventually one which completely put the brakes on. Now I hardly watch any Live sport, which started off to ensure no triggers, thought I'd watch highlights only, did so for a while, now I dont even watch the highlights, not because they would trigger, I have just found my interest level reducing so much over the last year. I still *read* about it in the papers and online so I still have some interest but I've surprised myself how much I watched purely because of gambling.

On the chasing, the worst experiences for me where always when I was really unlucky e.g. one football team or one horse let me down on an accumulator. It happens, and normal people will be a bit annoyed and frustrated about it, but for me it was always a huge trigger to chase. What was I chasing? The 'lost' money which I never had? No, the one selection which let me down had taken away the huge buzz which I would have got, much bigger for an accumulator win than a single selection win, would have kept me on a high for a good number of days, enabled me to do things without anything feeling like a chore, would have bought stuff, work would feel better, life would feel better in general. 

If all these positives come out of a good win, then its no wonder that people crave and it and go for it. But when  doing so we forget the negative side - something lets you down, you chase, you lose more money, you lose confidence, your dignity and instead of being on a high for a number of days, you are on a low, you dont feel like doing anything, your work performance suffers, other people suffer by default due to you. If we could only control.

Watched Departure at the weekend, that was pretty good and the 2nd series starts next Monday. Keeping Angela Black till I have all the episodes recorded. 

It aint going away

Captain