My journey..

Hi Tizzy

Watched Deceit on Saturday, pretty good, passed 3.5 hours of time and worth watching and a bit different.

Did one of my gardens yesterday morning but then spent most of the rest of the day in bed - 2/10 day, lot of time thinking and not very positively. Cant always identify productive things to do or things to do at all - not spending lots of hours planning / gambling / recovering is a big void to fill and my life circumstances dont make it easy. Boredom is unfortunately an inevitable part of the journey. Some people may think that given this period of recovery has been since last October that things should be easier now but whilst others write that the longer it goes on they think of gambling less, I still want to gamble every day. I have developed a routine to fill most of my time but I cant just live robotic and so days like yesterday are just par for the course I think. Up to 3/10 today but am I any better? Not really, increase just because of being back to work. But I know 5 and 6/10 days will come again.

Everyone seems to be getting your chocolate cupcakes - send me some please yum 🙂

Like you my parents never ventured abroad - all of my holidays as a kid were at Butlins. My first holiday abroad was with a mate and some other guys from a local pub. My holidays over the years since have been a mixture of abroad (sunbathing and city breaks ) and within the UK. The level of enjoyment of each has been a combination of the company I was in, the location and the success of my gambling either before or during the holiday. Some holidays would definitely have been better if my gambling had been better. Some were average made better by winning and one in particular was good because it was paid for by winnings and the euphoria of the win carried me through the holiday. Only had a handful of holidays as an adult before gambling had some effect on their enjoyment. 

Back on the music, there are so many songs in my collection which remind me of certain times/events/periods. Listening to music allows me to recall so many memories. 

For the record, just want to say that although we have only been corresponding a short time, in my 10 plus years on here, I havent had this '1:1' communication with anyone else....Yeah there have obviously been some back and forth messaging with many others but not to this level - think we are proving good for each other 🙂

Back to work

Captain 

So today is day 1 from all slots gamble free. I say this because I will still frequent the bingo hall to play bingo only. Bingo is a hobby and is social, it in no shape or form affects me or gives the buzz like slots do. I know some people may not agree, but I want to be honest and open on my diary or what’s the point? I respect others choices if they need complete abstinence from all types of gambling. If sometime down the line bingo started to cause me any kind of addiction/chase/buzz issues I will address them. When I go to bingo I spend X amount of money, no chase involved, win or lose, I leave. 

Tizzy xxx

Hi Tizzy 

It’s so good that we are honest with each other. I could have said my Sunday was fine when it wasn’t. You could have said shopping was fine. 

All credit for now coming out and posting your position on your diary. You know I’m with you BFF whatever path you decide to take. I’m of course obliged to point out that there is some deja vu just now as a few weeks ago you said that was it only to revert back to slots. Only you will know if it feels different this time. Expect comments that you need to abstain from everything and that you are playing with fire entering into a Bingo environment with no blocks to prevent you doing more than Bingo. Time will tell but as I say always here for you.

Definite concern re your OH gambling more - will he now abstain and support you?

I’m still not the best, my self confidence is low, hopefully something will kick in soon to bring me back up. Definitely missing a spark. First gym session today since Thursday but that didn’t really help either.

Agreed re Deceit actress doing a really good job. Still searching for a new drama to whet my appetite. Just too much spare time and dead time just now.

You know you’re on the right path if you’re striding. If you stand still people will pass you by while you’re hiding 

Captain 

Hi Tizzy,

Good luck, if you can achieve 3 months plus being gamble free online I'm sure you can get in the right head space to address the slots at your bingo hall. I'm glad your now addressing them, I'm sure it will be hard when it's been part of your routine but know that we are all behind you and we know you can do this ?.  Life without the stress of slots is so much better, as you know my addiction was to slots for 12 long years daily, 30k plus a year. When you start putting this figures in to context of what they could be used for it really does sicken you. I've said a few times when I seen my bank account  statement when I addressed my addiction I was gobsmacked and thought off the amount like I was paying someones yearly salary just for my satisfaction.

I know everyone is different with there journeys and like captain says he misses it but I honestly don't. I'm 20 weeks free of that horrid disease and I'm loving life again without the tears, the regret, the guilt and I'm now doing more things with the family and the kids so my time is certainly taking up. I do still like to frequent the site daily and chat because I feel like its now also part if my family, love to see the success stories and hopefully motivate others to kick it to the kurb.

Good luck Tizzy, go get your life back, use your grandson as your motivation. I'm not going to say if the money you lose is affordable cause I don't know that but maybe look at it differently and think that 4 figure sum could of gone in to a saving account towards grandsons education when he leaves school or towards his first car. Thats certainly what I do and it really helps x

Love Kate x

Hey Tizzy 

First time I’ve had 2 posts from you to reply to at once ? - double Tizzy !

Ended up having to work till 8pm last night and putting the football on live pause for 30 mins! Couldn’t sleep much with the heat, good that you have that air con device. When you said about the noise of it it did make me wonder about neighbours complaining. I had really bad noise issues with neighbours years ago, took me a while to be able to distinguish between natural and deliberate noise and since then I have to admit I am very noise conscious myself. 

Great that you are enjoying the nana duties, gives you a focus and a responsibility and a buzz of a different kind I guess. 

re the gambling adverts, agree that it’s not as easy as ‘When the fun stops stop’ and that some bookies are just covering themselves and doing what they need to do. However I do have experience of the other side of the coin. 2 online firms asked me for proof of income following periods of large deposits allied to heavy losses and when I refused they put my account on hold. They said that they get randomly checked by gambling regulators and if they weren’t seen to be taking action with someone like me they would be in trouble. (There was no way I would send them proof of income and it would have looked horrendous anyway as my deposits were larger than my salary as they included cash withdrawals from credit cards and cash loans etc. ) In comparison in the bookies shop days before online I could lose any amount of money without anyone blinking, they didn’t track or care at all but the regs have got tougher. 

I didn’t fancy that Stephen drama either. 

My manager is looking for everyone back in office at least once a month with focus on meeting new starts in person which from a work point of view I agree is a good idea but from a social point of view I could do without. But just early talk so could be a few months before it happens.

Glad you missed me BFF, I’m still alive ? and a new guy started on Tuesday who is older than me and looks it and when I saw his face and then looked at myself I decided I was in top shape in comparison ?

You are only as old as......complete the sentence

Captain 

Hi Tizzy 

Unusually a midnight post from me as I’m up not able to sleep because of the heat?

Thanks for the immediate response on the saying and 10/10 for the double answer ?

Your Dad is definitely going through the mill what a shame. Just shows you how someone can be fit for years and then suddenly have all these challenges. Totally agree re the lack of escapism leaving a void. I used gambling as escape from many stressful situations, have quoted before about how I don’t know how I would have got through some days and periods without it although of course if it wasn’t a ‘hobby’ I’d have had to find some other way to cope.

Looked up Manhunt, seen it first time round, it aired in 2019, current schedule is a repeat. 

’careful’ is the proper answer to that quote, my captain alternative is ‘be sure to enjoy it even if you do feel you are being bad’ ?

Try and sleep again now zzzzz

Captain 

Hi Tizzy

Not much to report here, not venturing out this weekend.

Well done on the 5 days, lets hope you can keep it going.

On Raducanu,  yes she has done brilliant to win a US Open from qualifying level at 18. Aware from newspaper headlines but not something which piques my interest. On a broader sense, have only maybe watched about 5 women's tennis matches ever and only because I had bets on them based on write-ups which seemed to indicate certain winners. Last time I watched a Tennis match without a gambling interest was over 3o years ago. Back in the days before Sky, there was only coverage of Wimbledon and I hadn't considered Tennis as a betting medium. Then suddenly there were all 4 majors on and tournaments most other weeks as well and with the matches between Fed, Djok, Nadal and Murray my interest and gambling on it went through the roof. 

Puts things in perspective that when some coverage switched and widened to Amazon, Premier Sports, etc. of Tennis  I didnt subscribe to any of those and havent missed watching. Great example of where I was primarily watching Tennis to gamble on. You know I'm a big Federer fan and I could say I'd watch him regardless of gambling but at the same time every time I watched I had some kind of interest, whether on the individual match or to win the tournament. Same principle I applied with football - when some coverage went to BT Sport I didnt subscribe  - I was watching and gambling on too much football anyway and that was a way to take some of it out of the picture. Also after Fed retires my interest in Tennis I'd expect to be zero as I dont feel any affiliation to any of the younger guys coming through. 

Examples like this have all been part of my recovery - as you may have read, one of my counsellors said my gambling was more deep rooted than anyone else they had encountered, with a mix of genuine interest and knowledge of sport and being sensible mixed in with a self destruct button and a deliberate need to just bet on anything sometimes and want to lose every now and again. Not to mention other life issues as well which added to her challenge 😉

So it would have been no surprise for her and no surprise for me that my recovery has been done in many stages and reducing things and cutting out things one by one to fully let the story unfold. Have had plenty arguments with others on here in the past where they thought I was 'scared' to go cold turkey and had been looking for excuses still to gamble. If I had gone down the cold turkey route either I wouldnt be alive or I'd be in jail. Seriously.

Captain 

Hi Tizzy

That is a good quote you left BFF, like that one 🙂

Good to see that Djok got beat last night 😉

I get the comparison to a love affair with gambling. The euphoria of a high from a big win or a big escape from a big loss ( which in my experience gives an even greater high for however long it lasts) can easily be compared to when one is in an affair/relationship which has its ups and downs and can be rocky and after some sort of fallout the making up can be electric with big highs !

There are definitely people who make a living from gambling, I've read about many. And if I wasnt a CG I could be one of them. People may scoff at that but its true. The real professionals dont chase, dont have urges, treat it like a business, can have any amount of days off when they dont identify selections etc etc.

The period of being 'hectic busy' at work seems to have passed for now but still enough to keep me occupied. I struggle at times to fill free time as you know so I need work to keep me focused but without being manic.

I found Ordinary Lies off BBC iplayer at the weekend, originally screened 2015 but new on Iplayer. Never heard  of it but watched 3 episodes and enjoying it. There are 12 episodes so that will keep me going another 9 hours whenever I go back to it.

Back to work now, speak soon.

Captain  

Hi Tizzy

re Djokovic, I find him arrogant and also I dont enjoy watching him. Sure he gets the job done and gets results so you cant argue with that, but I dont find his style of Tennis entertaining. In contrast, although I'm a Fed fan, I've enjoyed watching Nadal play and win (as long as its not at the expense of Fed 😉 ) . Some sports people are 'marmite' characters - Djokovic is a prime example, and although I dont share the same views on them, for others, Ronnie O'Sullivan in Snooker and Bryson Dechambeau in Golf are similar.

What are we going to do with you Tizzy 🙂 - I'm not surprised you gambled because although you indicated your intention not to, I havent got the feeling that the intention is backed up by any sort of determination and not really taking any steps to prevent. And I kind of think you feel you dont have any incentive not to gamble - you can gamble and lose all your money but you will still have an income, a comfortable life, holidays, your grandson and although you owe your OH money, there is no pressure to pay back and you dont owe anyone else. So in a sense you are choosing to spend your income on gambling instead of whatever else you could do with the money - buy clothes, non-gambling evenings out, put it in savings for your grandson (copyright Kate) etc. etc.

For most CGs, they need to stop, even although they may not want to stop - their life has become such a mess, financially and otherwise and they just know it cant go on. We all want to avoid the chasing and the huge losses and feeling s**t the next day but unfortunately for CGs it comes with the territory. I dont miss those occasions but I absolutely miss the involvement and the studying and the predicting and the buzz and the euphoria of a decent win. But I had to change direction. We have corresponded already about everyone's journey being different so we cant fully compare. Only you can decide what to do next. Maybe look ahead and think, if nothing changes, where will I be in a years time - you will have lost more, you will probably owe your OH more, the idea of putting aside money for your grandson won't have kicked in. But you will still have the same life otherwise - is that what you want and feels ok? Its not easy. You have read my diary and my ups and downs and I reflected and changed and cut things out and tried to look a year ahead and in some years reached my targets and in others failed. Plus life events kick in and things change and you need to adapt so its not all about how you deal with the gambling.

Appreciate your honesty as ever and I'll again say I'm with you regardless. And with a nod to the Forum etiquette, we dont have to go into detail in each post about your activity but can still help each other with our respective journeys.

Enjoy the Nana duties. 

Sometimes its ok just to be. We still have the sky, the sun, the moon, nature and the sea.

Captain 

Hi Tizzy 

I’m having lunch with you today again ? . So glad you liked my quote ?. 

And a privilege to add post number 100 to your diary. 

Real shame about your Dad. None of us want to have periods of suffering as we grow older. Not to compare at all, but I can’t remember if I said that one of the reasons for getting into my current recovery phase was a negative impact on my health. I was having regular days where I didn’t have much energy and blood tests over a period of time provided conflicting results with some showing nothing and others the possibility of something needing attended to. I realised after a while that this was due to the ups and downs of gambling and the related stress and anxiety taking their toll. Periods of winning meant my health was fine. Had to monitor this over a number of months.

Hope Silent Witness got better. I know you said you found Ordinary lies just ok but I’m finding it fantastic with each episode better than the one before! Watched another one last night and actually ended up repeating some of it because it was so good. 

Joined chat last night but topic wasn’t familiar to me so didn’t stay long. 

5 conference calls this afternoon, better check my look in the mirror ?

Captain 

Hi Tizzy

Hope you enjoyed your daughter's birthday. Glad you have a great relationship with her, I'm sure she appreciates having a Mum like you 🙂

Not much happening with me, just work and the usual routine until today when my Mother fell and broke her arm and had to go to A&E 🙁  - she is unsteady on her feet at times and has fallen before but this is the first time she has really injured herself.

Running shoes arrived, not tried them out yet but sure they will make a difference and make me run faster 🙂

Not been on chat as much this week, sometimes it gets a bit repetitive, no surprise after being on and off it for so many years.

Hope you are having a good weekend.

Captain

Hi Tizzy 

Good that you have another break to look forward to, changes the usual routine.

Yes weekends do tend to drag a bit for me. During the week I have a reasonable balance of work time versus free time but  some weekends too much time is unoccupied and find difficult to fill. My watching highlights of sport instead of Live is good for avoiding gambling on it but my interest level has reduced and I can’t see it ever getting back to the level which it was pre CG days over 30 years ago so I’m not even watching as many highlights as I was say beginning of the year.

Had a look at Manhunt but don’t fancy it - maybe I need a cure for being too fussy 🙂 

Captain 

Hi Tizzy 

As you have gathered from my last poem, my head isn’t in a great place just now.

I don’t see my most recent recovery phase since last October with any sense of achievement or reason to celebrate. It was born out of necessity, my debt hasn’t reduced and all I’ve done is adopted a different routine of life, albeit not a particularly exciting one.

I know you are not a Golf fan but the Ryder Cup which is a big event, starts today. Loved it on previous occasions, now I realise it was only because of the buzz of gambling on it. Without that I have no interest.

Sorry that your Dad is still going through the mill.

A big part of my fussiness with Tv is down to periods of recovery where I did watch any old rubbish just for something to do and I’m determined not to do that again, it’s not productive or beneficial to me.

I have found a new drama on 5 star called Departure which looks good although haven’t watched it yet, waiting till I have a few episodes.

When is it going to get a bit cooler, end September and still warm, I am boiling all the time ?

Captain 

Hi Tizzy,  hope your well. Just dropping by to say there is a new drama starting called Angela black. The lady who stared in Liar is going to be in this. Are you looking forward to the finale of vigil Sunday. X

Hi Tizzy

Thanks for your understanding and support and Yes I believe you do 'get' my situation but probably a lot of others don't', no offence to them, as we have said before even although all on here have gambling problems there is a sliding scale, different choices of type, different impacts, ages, longevity, so therefore differing recovery journeys as well. I appreciate for most their life improves the longer they dont gamble and great for them, I'm happy for them, but its not like that for me.

Lets see how long your 'slot free' life lasts - not meaning to be negative, just realistic, but it probably depends on how long the bad loss stays with you versus the strong urge to gamble again, its difficult to manage.

Just watched first episode of second series of Ordinary lies - still good but setting is different and completely different cast, I just expected it to be the same set up and group. See Kate recommending Angela Black, had a quick look and that one does sound good. Also watched 'Killing in Tiger Bay' earlier in the week, 3 part true story so not drama per se but really good.

My Mum isnt great at all, she has lost all independence and confidence since her fall. Her birthday is next week so it will now be a bit of a lesser event and she won't go out anywhere but hopefully she will still enjoy getting her presents.

The new running shoes as expected definitely give me more support so less or no aches and pains after a run in comparison to old ones but I was probably optimistic that they would make me run faster, too old for that 🙁

I dont do a lot of mileage but with this fuel shortage I'm wondering about if I should try and cut back, first 2 petrol stations I went to for fuel yesterday had none, got some 3rd time lucky! I only use car for family visits and the health club though and I count all of them essential. Less so years ago doing 'non-essential' multiple trips to the bookies, even though I could have walked but a lot of the time I seemed to be in too much of a rush to get there - the phrase 'in a hurry to lose your money' springs to mind 🙂

Captain