My journey..

Hi Tizzy

Sure I still get up early on a weekend day / day off, always been an early bird. Only exceptions were on days after a really bad gambling episode. But then I go to bed earlier than average too, usually around 930.

Today I was at the health club first thing, then breakfast, then some gardening and then some 'self-help' time, which involves looking at trophies and medals won years ago, looking at old photographs, reading extracts from self-help books and from my 'stone of life'. All helps put things in perspective. But got to get the balance right, cant reminisce too much and live in the past. Then did some gardening. Going out shortly. I'm lucky I have a really nice local area with nice shops and a good atmosphere and no trouble. (Used to think it was a great benefit having 3 bookies there too 😉 Can wander around for a while and then sit in the park or in a coffee shop and think and people watch. Rarely meet anyone I know. See faces but dont know their names. Only occasionally meet someone I know from work or the bookies.

Good that you went through a number of years not spending beyond your means. I went through 30 years always in debt, always gambling beyond my means to some extent, at first manageable, but as you know it got worse and worse. If there was a way to borrow money I did it - overdraft, loans, payday loans, selling stuff, borrowing off friends and family under false pretences, credit cards and ultimately the worst ever, having to re-mortgage, consolidating it all and then starting going through all the previous methods again.

We have acknowledged a lot of similarities with gambling views and experiences but we are very different family wise. I have no offspring and very few family and those I do have aren't close. Yeah I visit and keep in touch regular and do stuff for the older generation but there isnt strong affection. I've never had a family gathering like you describe with your barbecue ( not complaining, what you never have you never miss!). I've had periods of time in my life where I had close friends and good social times but those were short lived for various reasons and I'm not the best socially, hate small talk and cringe when there are work lunches and meals which I am obliged to attend.

I hope I can identify something else soon to watch as I've nearly finished Teachers. Whilst I've spent time over the last year watching stuff which is 'ok' and passes the time, I've generally had a series on the go where I postpone watching the next episode to give something to really look forward to, its the best I've come up with instead of focusing on a sports event I'm having a bet on ( nothing to compare but only alternative I've identified). So before Teachers, those I've mentioned like Damages, Luther, Line of Duty, Adulterer were all in that category. Bit concerned that I will run out of 'must watch' programmes. I am quite fussy. There is a parallel from years ago when I focused a lot of my time on reading autobiographies which proved a great help to me but I read every one I could find of a certain type and the ones I read were so good and so helpful at the time, I had binged out and started reading others which were just 'ordinary' and gave up.

On that note the local library is open again but it feels like too much hassle to go. You have to book an appointment, they keep your details on record and contact you if someone who has visited has tested positive, contact the NHS, you need to self-isolate blah blah, think I'll just continue re-reading existing books.

Hope you are having a good day. Here's one of my 'stone of life' phrases - 'Positive anything is better than negative nothing'

Captain 

Hi Tizzy

Yeah I have been hot most nights for over a week now and therefore not sleeping the best. Up earlier than usual today to catch up on work after being off yesterday before the normal day began so on a short break now.

Maybe you should start a 'stone of life', get some benefit from it? Here's another statement (promise I won't share all of them 😉  ) - Do things in your own time and in your own way  - that one has been important in my recovery in taking on board lots of advice and reading books etc. but applying the elements which apply and will work for me.

I dont cook - ever 🙂 - I just heat things up! I really couldn't be bothered with all the preparation of cooking/baking. I do eat quite healthily with exception of too much chocolate which I burn off with my exercise routines.

Didnt see anyone I knew in the bookies last week but Yes I did have a number of acquaintances in different bookies local to home or work over the years. Many were faces but I didnt know their names or they mine. Some we knew each other's christian names but nothing at all about each other. Never had any conversation about anything outwith gambling. For those near work, when some work colleagues came in, I tended not to hang around too long. left and went to another bookies, sometimes they distracted me, talked to me, affected my concentration. re friends, as I've said, I'm basically a loner, only had a few periods over the years with groups of close friends (not gambling related friends). At the moment one friend who I see maybe once a month on average. Happy in my own company most of the time. But admittedly become more and more like that over time based on disintegrating circumstances. 

Sure, female company can be good. After last relationship ended I didnt pursue anything for a while. Then last year I joined a dating site, real minefield online dating. Met 2 women, each for 3 dates, neither was meant to last, the woman quit on me the first one, I quit on the 2nd one. Definitely my financial situation is a downside/difficulty for a relationship, as is my being a loner and wanting/needing a lot of time on my own.

Already watched Baptiste previous series, recording the current one. Its in a category of only 'watchable' for me. Seen DNA too. Haven't seen the Bridge or the Tunnel so will look into those, thanks.

Menopause correct not a subject I'm familiar with 🙂  Have a good day.

Captain 

Hi Tizzy

Jumble has posted on my diary to 'Captain and Tizzy' - its like we are a couple - I wish 😉   Hey maybe if I had met you in one of your AOL chat rooms years ago we could have been the couple with the least money in the UK and the most combined debt! Shouldn't joke about it but sometimes you have to...

Stories from dating sites, yeah a few I could share if this wasnt a gambling forum. Best to share gambling stories:

1. Quote from a guy in a bookies - 'the favourite always wins the first horse race every Monday' - well yeah if that were true we could just bet that every week and live on that weekly winner ( plus of course we couldn't, even if we had guaranteed winners we would still lose as we cannot accept loss and are CGs.

2. Theres an easy way to make money - put £100 on an even money shot, if it loses, put £200 on another even money shot, keep doing that, doubling your stake, when you get a winner you are n a profit. Cons - how much money do you need to do this? What if you keep losing and you get to a point of putting on £1600, £3200 etc. And Yes again, we cant do this as CGs because we have no discipline

3. Never bet 2 horses/dogs in the same race - apparently means you have no confidence in picking one selection to win and you are 'betting against yourself'  - but hang on, it increases your chance of winning. But its all irrelevant having any sort of plan like that because we cannot stick to it and any profit is just ammunition to be in the midst of it again and buy more buzz. We lost the value and concept of money years ago. We buy cheap clothes and cheap food but £500 on a bet - get on...madness

Was on chat last night, couldn't really engage, some sessions are like that, not a problem, maybe try tonight again.

Never heard of Homeland, will check it out.

Scrambled eggs tonight - does that count as cooking?  🙂

Captain 

Hi Tizzy and Captain

After reading Captain's latest post I have to admit I nearly intimated in my previous post that I felt I was reading the start of another Nescafe Gold Blend Advert saga starring Sharon & Tony.  I thought you both may appreciate that being of a certain vintage 😉

Anyway acknowledging Tizzy has an OH I wouldn't want to cause any other issues and agree with Captain that we should predominately stick to gambling matters/stories!  In saying that its very nice to read some of the other stuff as its like a form of people watching in written format!

Keep up the good work both!

J 

Hey Tizzy

And thanks for the post Jumble, if you keep writing to both us maybe someone from Nescafe or similar will read the post and we will be invited to star in a new advert, get loads of money and pay off our debts 🙂  Well we can dream cant we!

Looked up Homeland Tizzy but its on Netflix which I havent got so counting that one out, still looking...

Back to our favourite subject of why a compulsive gambler cannot accept loss, which has been in my head a lot recently. I have a few thoughts below based on my own experience, lets see if you can relate:

We can be sensible and calculated and place bets at reasonable amounts and frequency for sometimes long periods. Lets say we win 10 days in a row on this basis. At the end of each day / each session we feel confident, happy, comfortable, life is good, we are full of beans, full of buzz, our work is better, conversations with others are better, we feel more able to engage in activities, the world is a better place, we are successful. Day 11 - we do nothing different but it is becoming a losing day. We get a sick feeling in our stomach. We cannot think - I've won £xxx over the last 10 days. That doesn't matter. Today we are losing.  We cannot cope. Why are we losing?  We cant just say it is bad luck. We cant blame the bookie / the arcade / the casino. It is *our fault*. We blame ourselves. We did something wrong. We made a stupid mistake. We replay our activity and the events/plays. We beat ourselves up. In a matter of minutes or hours we have gone from a great success to a great failure. But because we cannot view it in context of 10 winning days versus one losing day we somehow then sometimes think - I cannot stop - I have to get back what I have lost. I have to feel a success today again like I did for the last 10 days. The world must keep being a great place, I must continue to have the buzz inside me. If we are lucky we stop at a reasonable, affordable point of loss that day. But a lot of the time we cannot. We strive to chase the loss and end up losing more and more and sometimes everything we have. The last 10 days of profit and more can be gone within a matter of hours. We reflect later that day and the next day. we have behaved like a masochist. We have punished ourselves, hit ourselves over the head because we have lost. We have gone from being a nice, friendly, successful person to a down and out loser. Its not just financial. Our health suffers, we cant be bothered doing anything. We dont care about ourselves, we pay less attention to others. We cancel social events and appointments. Work suffers. Relationships suffer.

Then after a few days or weeks, whenever we have ammunition (money) again, we resolve that it will be different next time - not resolve to be able to accept loss though. We actually think we will win every day again. We have a new plan, a new way of working. It will be better next time. This cycle continues for months, years and our personality flips between mr or mrs success and mr or mrs failure. All because our brain is wired to think we have a divine right to win. Perhaps from an early age we have been educated and directed by parents/teachers etc. that we must be successful in everything we do. But even if that is true our view of success is tainted and absurd to a completely  unrealistic extent with extremely negative consequences. 

Hope things are good with you.

Captain 

Posted by: captain46

Hey Tizzy

And thanks for the post Jumble, if you keep writing to both us maybe someone from Nescafe or similar will read the post and we will be invited to star in a new advert, get loads of money and pay off our debts 🙂  Well we can dream cant we!

Looked up Homeland Tizzy but its on Netflix which I havent got so counting that one out, still looking...

Back to our favourite subject of why a compulsive gambler cannot accept loss, which has been in my head a lot recently. I have a few thoughts below based on my own experience, lets see if you can relate:

We can be sensible and calculated and place bets at reasonable amounts and frequency for sometimes long periods. Lets say we win 10 days in a row on this basis. At the end of each day / each session we feel confident, happy, comfortable, life is good, we are full of beans, full of buzz, our work is better, conversations with others are better, we feel more able to engage in activities, the world is a better place, we are successful. Day 11 - we do nothing different but it is becoming a losing day. We get a sick feeling in our stomach. We cannot think - I've won £xxx over the last 10 days. That doesn't matter. Today we are losing.  We cannot cope. Why are we losing?  We cant just say it is bad luck. We cant blame the bookie / the arcade / the casino. It is *our fault*. We blame ourselves. We did something wrong. We made a stupid mistake. We replay our activity and the events/plays. We beat ourselves up. In a matter of minutes or hours we have gone from a great success to a great failure. But because we cannot view it in context of 10 winning days versus one losing day we somehow then sometimes think - I cannot stop - I have to get back what I have lost. I have to feel a success today again like I did for the last 10 days. The world must keep being a great place, I must continue to have the buzz inside me. If we are lucky we stop at a reasonable, affordable point of loss that day. But a lot of the time we cannot. We strive to chase the loss and end up losing more and more and sometimes everything we have. The last 10 days of profit and more can be gone within a matter of hours. We reflect later that day and the next day. we have behaved like a masochist. We have punished ourselves, hit ourselves over the head because we have lost. We have gone from being a nice, friendly, successful person to a down and out loser. Its not just financial. Our health suffers, we cant be bothered doing anything. We dont care about ourselves, we pay less attention to others. We cancel social events and appointments. Work suffers. Relationships suffer.

Then after a few days or weeks, whenever we have ammunition (money) again, we resolve that it will be different next time - not resolve to be able to accept loss though. We actually think we will win every day again. We have a new plan, a new way of working. It will be better next time. This cycle continues for months, years and our personality flips between mr or mrs success and mr or mrs failure. All because our brain is wired to think we have a divine right to win. Perhaps from an early age we have been educated and directed by parents/teachers etc. that we must be successful in everything we do. But even if that is true our view of success is tainted and absurd to a completely  unrealistic extent with extremely negative consequences. 

Hope things are good with you.

Captain 

This is soo true, could of been wrote about me. Enjoying reading you posts to and from, keep them up ?

Hi Tizzy

Conference call cancelled so divert to Gamcare dialogue with Tizz...

Good that Secret is enjoying our Nescafe type communications 🙂

Nothing much new from me either. Havent started Baptiste yet. Watched The Pact - thought it was promising until last couple of episodes then descended into being too far fetched.... In The Adulterer, who is your favourite character and are there any of the males who catch your eye 😉 ?

Still hit and miss each night re sleeping well or not due to the heat, used to be sleeping well or not due to winning or losing at gambling..

As a further update to my last post on accepting a loss/chasing, I'm making an assumption here but for your slots gambling, every day is the same in terms of opportunity/craving/urge to be involved. For me on sports, there was never urges or craving, all about systematically weighing up each event and deciding whether to bet on it or not. Easy to decide to not bet on Tennis, Golf, Snooker events if I simply didnt have a fancy/feeling for any competitor. Bit more difficult on Football - could always find something to bet on, particularly on Saturdays, Tuesdays and Wednesdays which have most fixtures. Couldn't function at 1500 on a Sat, 1945 on a Tues or Wed without a football bet. But helped for periods of time when abstaining from 'random' and able to focus my attention primarily on those 3 days of the week. More difficult in the summer with no Football. And so, away from the bad losing days on random, the worst losses on football (as with most people who bet football) are when only one of your accumulator lets you down ( and particularly when its down to a late/last minute goal). When losing money on stupid random, you can blame yourself. When you have been 50-50 about a selection you can blame yourself. When you have done all you can, been 100% about your selections and one lets you down its just bad luck. It happens. But if you are a CG you cant accept it, and the late goal is the worst. You feel you deserved to win. You feel you must chase to get some money back. Its 1700 on a Saturday and you just cannot function, cannot do anything in life without firstly gambling, could be on anything. Sometimes you may be lucky and win some money, other times of course you lose a packet. So many of my weekends were ruined by a late goal. Of course since 'cashing out' became a thing online, that was an option - 5 out of 6 selections are winning, you could cash out and be in profit. But CGs cannot cash out - its all or nothing, in it to win it, and if you are older, you never used to have the option anyway, you had a copy of a football coupon, you checked teletext for the scores or listened to the radio. 

Back to comparison with your slots, my best comparison is when I did lots of virtual racing - repetitive, over and over again, same named horses running against each other, no horses ever fall 🙂 they dont get tired despite running continuously 24 x 7 😉 , I found my winning percentage on virtual could often be higher / more reliable than on real horses. Slots or virtual, they provide action, you are in the mode, getting the buzz, doesn't matter if there is human involvement or not, you have ammunition, ups and downs, 'opportunities' available immediately without waiting for a scheduled human event. Opportunities to max out your overdraft, to max out your credit card, to have to get another loan, to lose sleep, to have a negative impact on your health.

Opportunities to have fun, escape, make money if we can stay in control. But we are CGs. We cant.

4 days to payday and the new phone battery !

Captain 

Hey Tizzy

Good that the smear test result was nothing to be concerned about. Those, time of the month, menopause, pills etc. have of course cropped up in my relationships but not my specialist subjects and could well fail the £100 question on millionaire if that was the subject 😉

Willem in the Adulterer has an enviable choice between Iris and Elsie, wouldn't kick either of them out! Bjorn is the best character for me, he just gets better as it goes on. Think I mentioned before but next logical follow-up to the Adulterer is The Swingers, which also has the 'Willem' actor making an appearance in the last series.

570 down and its a good day - Yes I get that, had many days like that. Non CGs wouldn't get it, but a 'small' loss of 570 when it could have been much worse is something to savour and actually gives us confidence for the next session as we have ended up 'winning' just by virtue of the last x amount of bets struck being winners and those are what form the platform for next time. You still got the buzz, you have a foundation to move on from and it all feels good. Of course the danger is the next time you get to minus 1600 you keep going and lose even more. Anyone reading this who is not a CG would expect me to now type that you should have a 'budget', only bet what you can afford to lose. But I know you and I know CGs, completely pointless setting some sort of limit, we can never stick to it. As documented before we either win something or lose it all but the stake amount is irrelevant. But your scenario of a loss feeling like a win is a great addition to the list - it counts as a win even although its not on the day but you have your head in a 'profit over a period' mode. ( Double meaning on period there, back to first para 🙂 )

Still ranging between 4 and 6 out of 10 each day which is good, not have a 2 or 3 out of 10 day for a while. Chat remains combination of some regulars and some newcomers. I consider chat more than actually joining it most nights. Bear in mind I've been on here 11 years with a lot of various periods of chat and diary updating and different points in my gambling / my recovery. I need to only join when I'm in the right mode to either observe or contribute or a bit of both. Inevitably it can be repetitive and have to guard against it being too much that way. There are a bunch of youngsters on just now who are doing a good job of supporting each other  so I cant add much to that but I do give advice to specific individual newcomers who appear. The regulars already know me so not much to add about myself. Corresponding with you on diaries is different as there is much more scope for increased dialogue which is great.

re payday and money not being yours, totally absolutely get that...last time I had 'my' money was 30 years ago (seriously) - took out a loan at 24 and have always had debt since then of some sort. If I look at it literally, I'll never again have my own money as some of my family debt has been agreed to be 'written off' so even if I somehow pay my current debt the written off money will always be a cloud over me. But I've learnt not to think that way too often, we cant really or it would drive us crazy. Have to accept that the money I have left each month after outgoings is 'mine' and whatever small balance I have in my account at any time is mine, its the only way to stay financially sane.  So I'll get the battery (£45) but I live now in same way that I did when gambling - maintenance mode I call it - only spend money on thing which need replaced or stop working / things I run out of. I do buy decent quality things though, yeah lookout for sales/bargains but decent quality clothes/shoes etc. Saved money on having to buy anything new for work over past year like many with WFH.

You dont have to answer this but do you have any debts outwith what you owe OH? And do you have a timescale target for when you pay OH back, either just in your head or agreed between you? I was lucky that despite my family debts causing extreme fallouts I wasnt given a timescale to pay them back and I did manage to do it (save the above 'written off' amount) in the times I targeted which was predictably during periods of abstinence from random.

Heated up sausage rolls, potatoes and beans tonight 🙂

Look forward to hearing from you again soon.

Captain 

Hey Tizzy

I'm spending my lunchtime with you again 😉

Crikey you are very lucky that you not only have a good relationship with OH but also you only have to work 4 hours a month and get £1100 for it - thats some rate of pay 🙂  Yeah he has an appreciation of your addiction but must love you very much to reward you so well and take care of bills etc. You could have a great set up if you werent a CG, but stay focused and away from online and pay back what you owe and that great set up can become reality for you.

So you are almost retired. What did you do for full-time work in the past? How do you spend all of your time outwith bingo/slots/pampering?  

I had a vision of retirement once upon a time being a mix of travelling and gambling but that dream has long since gone. Things may change in future years but I'd be completely bored if not working (I  do 40 hours a week on average) and of course the risk of gambling would increase a fair bit.

Well we have even more things in common as I frequented arcades from a young age, firstly for the one week in the summer when the Fair arrived and then I was also a Butlins regular! Were you in the beaver club?? But playing 1p and then maybe up to 10p fruit machines was all just fun, I wouldn't be convinced they sowed any sort of gambling seed. I'd get maybe £1 or £2 for them and sometimes go back for another £1 but sometimes win of course, first ones I played were one-arm bandit type and then can recall subsequently liking the ones with the up or down 'nudges' to get the 3 symbols in line for a payout.

Butlins was fantastic, went for many years, even twice in one year when I won a free holiday for me and one parent for being 'Pentathlete of the week' ! Butlins played a big role in my foundation as a kid/adolescent, was a magical world for a week which was just full of fun, excitement and competition. Can still remember the music and smells and recalling specific memories as I type  - used to always have a 'Coke float' every day in the Ballroom or one of the bars.

Hope you enjoy your break(s) - will you find Bingo/slots to go to while away?

Puddings each night are a must - Cheesecake is a favourite. Lemon one tonight.

Captain 

Thanks for the postcard Tizzy, you look amazing in that bikini 😉

I have always been the driver in my relationships too, think its sometimes a male ego thing, I didnt mind though,I enjoy driving. Only exceptions when driving past great scenery and having to watch out that I didnt crash as so fixated on the view! Long journeys I'd always have a few stops on the way.

My 'career' started in a supermarket before moving on to office work, and the more I earned, the higher the betting stakes. Can recall in the early days being happy with £5 and £10 bets.

I think you should definitely resolve not to borrow any more money from OH. Great that you have a plan for paying it back and that there's no pressure on timescales but just dont ever be tempted to borrow more.

Butlins - I dont recall the showboat, I do remember the Beachcomber bar though and also the Gaiety theatre. Was actually looking at some of my old Butlins photos and medals following our messaging. Great memories, wish I could relive them.

'I won't be gambling while I'm away'  - make sure you stick to that - I dont want to read a message saying you couldn't leave the dog so you succumbed back to online. Maybe being away is also a chance to review your position and be committed to your path even more.

Thanks for understanding re my huge debt situation - only other CGs can and with respect probably mostly those in our age group. Very few in younger generations would find it possible to accumulate the amount of debt I have. Yes I have explored options, but renting a room - no chance, couldn't have some stranger living with me and renting out house isnt an option. I try not to think too much about never paying all the debts and eventually losing the house. I'm just taking a day and a month at a time and adjusting. As I've said on chat, I'm lucky to have a house in a nice area, in fact lucky to still have a house at all. 

Payday yesterday - always a challenge for gamblers. Got my phone battery. Dont look at my statement, dont want to see my hard work resulting in so much money on interest payments. I have a review with the bank in December so thats the next possible time for the situation to change any. 

I had a relative in a care home years ago, so understand. She had dementia and sometimes knew me, sometimes not, the real person had gone away long before her death.

Takeaways - used to eat out/ get those when away for work on business as I could claim them back on expenses, none since before first lockdown. Yes sleeping better since its cooler.

You havent mentioned Agassi -  you had a chance to start reading yet?

Watched 'Lie With Me', another average one but passed some time, now onto 'Back to Life'.

Keep yourself chilled and relaxed and enjoy.

Phrase for today - 'The best view is from the mountain you have just climbed'

Captain 

Hey Tizzy.

Hope your doing well, not seen you around for some time. See you posted your in St. Helens, that's where im from, small world hey

X

Hey Tizzy

Afternoon post as its a quiet day for me at work (better not speak too soon, there will be a big problem I need to deal with now I've said that 🙁

Good workout this morning, cycling, rowing. swimming, best for a few weeks. Get my physical exercise buzz at least. 

Does the lodge have a hot tub? Stayed at a few lodges with those, helps the relaxation...

I'm glad you are not getting any negative posts about your continued in control gambling on slots. As you know from my diary I got a lot of those in the past, but I have to say that there do seem to be a lot less volume of posts these days than in years gone by, not sure why. 

As well as payday being difficult, specific events and times of year can be difficult - football season starts next weekend. Many previous years I told myself in the summer I could live without gambling on football and not to start when the season began. Another voice said 'No, you are wrong - bet ONLY on football and you will be fine', the cycle of events and sports and trying to find my path went on for years.

After the battery, new running shoes are next on the Agenda. The existing ones are quite worn, faster than usual as more road running during lockdowns when Health club closed. New ones will help my bounce and balance and give me more support.

Just when I thought we had lots in common you come up with Love Island - FFS 🙂 .... I will check out the drug mule programme. I'm onto Limetown now, off Alibi, a bit different, quite good so far. BTW, who did you tell OH recommended the Adulterer as I think you said he doesn't know you are on here??   Cant believe you left Agassi behind :-), ah well, something to get into after the hols

That is a great phrase, we are back together on the same wavelength with that one after Love Island had me rolling my eyes! I can relate to that phrase most in terms of previous relationships which I thought were forever and which took me time to get over. Its funny how in some cases the deep feelings you had for someone can disappear so quickly (say 6 months later they mean little or nothing to you), but of course you still have your happy memories. Message to self - conversation for another place - this is a gambling recovery site 🙂  But it does relate to some of the things I discussed at counselling, you go to a counsellor because you are a CG but of course a lot of things discussed are not peculiar or specific to gambling. The counsellors vary so much. One I visited asked me how it felt to win big / lose big etc., she was fascinated by my answers and description of my action and feelings, she got more out of the session than me in terms of research, I got zilch out of it!! Some counselling helped me confirm potential reasons for why I am like I am, positive and negative and gambling related and otherwise, but taking any steps to change/improve a lot more difficult.

At least Djokovic lost at the Olympics so thats something to smile about 🙂

Whats the Agenda for the long drive back? Games/sing-song/sleep/music?

Captain

Hey Tizzy

For seeing your post and responding, I have 2 tabs open on the computer 🙂 but maybe you are using the phone which makes it more difficult....

Agreed chat would be more difficult when you say you are still gambling ( from my past experience when I was doing controlled non-random gambling I had some heated exchanges on chat as well as on the diaries) but there would be some who already know you who would have some level of support I'd think.

Good that OH know you are on Gamcare and seeking support. Has he not read any of your posts on the Forum? How do you describe me to him - friend / support / fellow CG etc? Yeah best not to mention the Nescafe lol 🙂

I worked some of the time I stayed at Lodges too - peace and quiet and a tranquil setting and do some walking and exploring etc. but sometimes not enough to fill the hours (even with gambling at that point!)

Have to agree that going for a drive is for the elderly! I'd always have a destination in mind even if its just to walk and get the fresh air / take in the scenery. Are there any events on / places to visit around where you are staying? 

Been hovering between only 4 and 5 out of 10 last few days - new football season coming up is a factor - kinda feels like the start of another journey, gotta do it all again, get through it all again. Also work quiet which doesn't help and I'm fast running out of things to watch, even just 'ok' things. Bear in mind I've watched so much since last October based on not only 'current' things but lots of boxsets from years ago off Itv player, BBC iplayer and Channel 4, so I've exhausted all the old stuff and reliant on new programmes now. There are always a bunch of new dramas in the Autumn though so my drought may not last long.

Been listening to music more to fill time. Music can take me to another place in my head. Same as exercise - no negative thoughts / urges when exercising.

Coffee and cake time - Douwe Egberts not Nescafe 🙂

Captain 

And 2 replies in one day Tizzy - we must be getting serious 😉

On things getting easier each season / year, I'm not so sure, one thing breaking the habit and abstaining for a period, but I'm acutely aware I also need to develop some more permanent ways of spending my time, the last 10 months have been a bit of trial and error and a bit ad-hoc, but cant change everything overnight.

Yes you best get Gamban sorted asap if that is a blocker which you need, and sounds like it is if you somehow for whatever reason decided to search on a gambling site, also maybe think why you did that.

Sounds like you have a nice weekend to look forward to 🙂

Agreed on older music being best, 80s was my era and forms the majority of my music collection. Over the last 20 years very few new songs added in comparison, and most of those which have been are via watching the X Factor! (Boo its not coming back, but I agree it was past its sell by date). Have always preferred individual songs to being a fan of particular groups, very few albums from which I could say I liked all or most of the tracks. I'm one of those people that when I do download a new song, I play it on repeat for ages.

As with many things, listening to music happened more often when gambling was 'going well' and I was in celebratory mode. After bad episodes, I couldn't be bothered listening and some lyrics seemed to hit me hard like they were telling me what a failure or idiot I was.

Pie, croquettes and spaghetti tonight 🙂

Captain

Morning Tizzy

Work quiet again. Holiday season, lot of people off, reduces the amount of 'traffic' and workload I have. I'm gonna just continue to take odd days here and there. No inclination to take a week or longer off. Its partly the cost of going somewhere, with prices all hiked up at the moment and if just staying at home, how would I pass all the time? I'm finding it hard enough to fill my spare time when I am working 4o hours a week.

Some nights/days I can relax and be ok. Other times I cant, rack my brains for what to do. Not just gambling recovery related, back to my childhood I always had to be doing something. 

Good you are getting the Gamban sorted out. And thanks for the understanding and appreciation that it is a d**n sight harder changing a lifestyle after decades than after a few years. As discussed before, when youngsters come on here and say they have had a problem only since lockdown / only for a year or two and it seems major to them and I understand it feeling a big deal but its so important to emphasise how well they have done to identify the problem after such a short time and to do something about it.

Inevitably I think back to various points when my problems began or escalated. As you know it started to be a problem when I got my own house and suddenly had to pay a mortgage and bills, my outgoings were 5 or 6 times what they had been when living with my parents. Sure I am an intelligent guy, I knew that would be the case when I signed up to it. But before that I was *winning* every week, so when I decided (conscious decision) that I would be able to win enough each month to pay the outgoings, it seemed logical, just bet a bit more, more bets, higher amounts. How was I to know that (probably because I *had* to win, and win a certain amount each month in my head), that I would start losing? Put me back in that place again now and of course I could say I'd just bet like I did previously and I'd never have had a problem but its not even just about gambling, I just couldn't cope with having outgoings to pay. Others my age were the same, they got into debt, sold flats after a couple of years, paid off the debt with the sale gain, bought another flat etc. 

X Factor yes no joke I loved it :-). Also got some music off Britains Got Talent, and have found Shazam great for identifying music I hear on programmes/films/when out and about in shops.

Gambling definitely dictates our moods - after a successful lunchtime session, my work in the afternoon was top class, also driving on others. After a football coupon win on a Saturday, I could be the life and soul of the party on a Saturday night, my football performance on the Sunday was guaranteed to be up a notch. During winning periods, I 'd do more home improvements, offer to help family with stuff etc etc. Great for yourself and others when winning, awful when you are losing and the reverse can be true for all of the above situations. People recognise you are up and down, have mood swings, may ask what is wrong, may think you are a moody person. I have been asked countless times if I have depression. (Answer Yes I have had what I'd consider mild depression periods over the years for various reasons, not all due to gambling, but never reported to Doctor/ had need for medication etc.) But all the mood swings were about ups and downs of gambling, not depression.

I'm onto Roadkill drama now - only 4 episodes, from last year but just found it, watched first 2, really good.

Send you some hugs to keep you warm so you dont need the heating (((Tizzy))) 🙂

Captain