My journey..

Hi Tizzy 

Grading your day isn’t a bad idea. Something I got from a counsellor, keeps focus on ups and downs and enables some analysis of reasons.

You obviously look forward to bingo and having your grandson, maybe other things too, watching Arsenal?

You are correct I just go through the motions. As discussed previously, I look forward to the Christmas season which lasts 5 weeks for me and feel much better during that time but you can’t live for one month of the year can you... When I have a box set drama which I’m really into and can’t wait for the next episode I look forward to that. But nothing else springs to mind. Been many years since I had things to look forward to which didn’t involve gambling.

I think my current mode started with the kaleidoscope of what life could have been which I described and then followed with thinking a lot about what my life has actually been.

Link this to things to look forward to and most people would include holidays. But for me holidays were only ‘suffered’ with gambling being the thing which got me through them e.g. go to Tourist attractions and all I could think about when enduring them was that I was looking forward to the 200 race ?

I have tried doing stuff like that in periods of no gambling and I have zero interest, so it wasn’t the gambling ruling I just didn’t want to do that stuff but felt obliged to with partner at the time but like I say needed something to get me through it and gambling was the thing.

Then think about people having a bucket list. I don’t have one. Nothing I want to do, no places I want to go. So at the moment I feel like I’ve done my life and I’m saying goodbye to the world, but it may be a long goodbye, could live for many years yet ?

It ain’t going away. It just won’t quit.

Captain 

Hi

Making out lists of my needs my wants and my goals was important.

It is my commitment to myself.

I did not have a clue how long it woud take me to heal the hurt inner child in me.

Clean time in recovery prgram is the start of becoming healthy.

At one time I use to think that I loved gambling, that was a lie to myself.

At one time I use to think that I had lost of money I would be happy, that was a lie to myself.

At one time I use to think that if I get some thing for nothing I am being clever, that was a lie to myself.

For me escaping to the gambling indciates that I was emotionally vulnerable and that I needed to heal my hurt inner child.

Please take your recovery seriously it will save your life.

Love and peace to every one

Dave L

AKA Dave of Beckenham UK

Hi Tizzy

The support we give each other is first class. We are continually on same wavelength. Nothing wrong with repeating things we need to and re the scenario of winning the lottery and spending most of your time gambling, I'm totally with you - number of times over the years where I've wished I could just have a life without work and just gamble. You may recall I did try at one point to be a pro gambler but that was before I realised I was a CG and of course I failed 🙁  If I wasnt a CG it may have worked, who knows.

Delighted that you have no bucket list either - we can be oddballs together 🙂  - I've never heard anyone else say that they havent got one ( in our age group or older anyway ). I dont disagree re the being in a relationship thing being potentially helpful for me, but I just havent got the circumstances at the moment. Plus could I enjoy doing things with a partner even though they have no interest to me - well maybe, I have had some experience of that previously but it was pretty limited.

Hope you sleep better tonight. Glad DI Ray is good, probably watch at the weekend.

It aint going away. It just wont quit.

Captain 

Hi Tizzy

Sorry to hear that you were sick, glad you are a bit better now 🙂

I watched the Paul Merson programme. Some decent messages in there which you picked up from your brief watch re seeing some of life's simple pleasures and only appreciating them when you are not in the midst of addiction and I can relate to that to some extent. However whether in the midst of bad gambling episodes or during periods of abstaining, I'd say I did/do appreciate things like great landscapes and views and nature but its never been enough. Say I spent a day out walking and appreciating ( which I have done many times over the years ), there have always been times during it when I am thinking about the next bet that day or the next day. I have never spent a day far less a whole week on holiday where I could just enjoy natural things and be totally satisfied with that, the gambling was always a part of my thoughts and as described before, the drug needed to allow me to enjoy such things. So for me I walked and appreciated a landscape but the landscape became more enjoyable when midway through the day I listened to the commentary of a race and my horse won.... only a CG could relate to that.

Also I did think Paul looked awful and from a physical appearance perspective not a shining example of someone happy in recovery ( I know I dont look the best myself and I'm not sure there are many recovering CGs of our age group who look a million dollars! ). I also thought he came across as being quite dim/simple - no blame to Paul himself here, I blame whoever on the BBC came up with the scenario where he self-commentated on his walk, really didnt do him any favours. I get the bit about portraying the message of appreciating a walk in a great area like he hadn't before but that could have been a small part of the programme allied to an interview which would have been more beneficial to the viewer and would have seen Paul come across in a better light.

I have to agree with you about living for the day and not worrying. Unlike you I dont get any check-ups done, tend to take the approach of just waiting till there is something wrong with me. But Yes sure I worry about what the future holds and think about the past too much. Happy to make the pact about *accepting* what we have right now and trying to appreciate it more, but I can only go as far as *accepting*, there isnt enough for me to say *enjoying* 😉 

Enjoy the pampering and the sun !

It aint going away. It just wont quit.

Captain

Hi Tizzy

So 'the spark' hasn't worked. Feel I gave it my best shot, did all I could. Feeling pretty rubbish. Was off work sick today, nothing physical wrong, just couldn't face it. Havent lasted long with our pact to take a day or few days at a time. Back to thought process of 'Is this it?' i.e. the rest of my life will continue as it is now with an exhausting existence focused on 'What do I do next?' whilst continually batting away thoughts of gambling being the default 'go to' option. At least before online when my gambling was bookmaker based there were only certain hours of the day when it was open, there was no 24x7 gambling available and so the chance of a more balanced life for a gambler like me was there. Anyway you know me well enough by now to realise I'm not typing any of the above to gain any sympathy but just to state that for anyone else reading. My current life and predicament is all my own fault allied to the addiction and so no-one should feel sorry for me in the slightest.

Back to your question re prior to gambling, did I always want more than 'normal life' - well in answer every single day I think back to good memories I have of pre-CG days and those are essential to me keeping sane - remembering who I was / who I could and should have been / the real Captain -and I do think of these in comparison much more than thinking about bad memories and regrets etc. I, like most people, say 35 years ago, had a plan/vision of my life but of course it didnt pan out at all. Did I want more than 'normal life' - No I didnt. I cant/wont go into detail on here about the specifics I envisaged and why they didnt play out ( I know how repetitive I am continuing to quote my bad life decisions but my life has all been about that). But certainly at that age I didnt even have gambling as being any big part of my life, I'd probably have expected to continue to put football coupons on and the odd horse bet but could take it or leave it.

Hope your OH has recovered and hope you can continue to worry less.

No update on watching any dramas as my head hasn't been in the right place. 

It aint going away. It just wont quit.

Captain 

Hi Tizzy

The spark not working isnt just about my current bad period, it was my hope for a more permanent change of life long-term. I understand you saying I am looking too hard for a solution but I need to find something.

Was back at work yesterday, same old. Sorry that you and OH bickering, all relationships have their ups and downs but yours is pretty good from what you describe, hope its all resolved now.

Havent watched DI Ray yet ( or anything else for that matter)... just not in the mode.

Apologies I just havent got anything else to say tonight, hopefully next time.

It aint going away. It just wont quit.

Captain 

Hi Tizzy

Another Friday, supposed to be glad its the weekend but as you know its just a different sort of challenge. I go out somewhere (not often but even to the supermarket) and I cant wait to get home. I am home and think I should be going out doing something, but what?  You believe things will get better - I hope you are right.

What is dragging me down - Yes regret over bad life decisions but more so the impact of them on where I am now and how restricted my options are which makes me feel flat, as well as the no gambling. Somewhat ironically more money probably wouldn't make my life any better right now - if I had enough to pay off my debts and mortgage then Yes but just a bit more money per month I cant see would make much difference to my life. I'm limited to talk about the detail on here but I'm sure you have worked some of it out - as I've summarised many times you have so many more opportunities in your 20s than you do in your 50s - I feel surrounded by people who have zero debt, mortgage paid off, great social lives, kids, grandkids, about to retire etc etc. None of that applies to me - not saying I would want all of it, I dont know without being in that position and I'm a loner so some of it doesn't appeal. Appreciate there are others with addictions my age in similar positions to some extent, I'm lost just now as to how I get from where I am now to some sort of acceptance, some sort of contented life, if I ever can.

Sorry to hear about your fallout with OH and hope you are now back on track and it was just a blip.

Following last night's result I think Arsenal are gonna lose out now, on paper their 2 remaining fixtures are more difficult than those of Tottenham....

Still not watched any dramas, just reading, thinking, exercising and watched football highlights.

It aint going away. It just wont quit.

Captain 

Hi Tizzy

Glad you and OH are ok now 🙂

Another average weekend. My daily score hasn't gone above 3 for a while. Remain flat. Gambling kept me 'alive' - sure it was horrendous when I got to various instances of 'rock bottom' and lost it all but it remains a constant struggle to live without that regular drug and the highs and lows, it allowed me to function as a person for so many years. You get used to the highs and lows and great wins and huge downfalls, being flat is more difficult to live with in a lot of ways.

Havent been on chat for a long time, no inclination or enthusiasm for it. Just log on here to correspond with you, dont even bother reading any other diaries at the moment. 

Dont worry about not having a lot to say, I'm sometimes the same. We have to guard against just repeating things dont we..

It aint going away. It just wont quit.

Captain 

Hi Tizzy

sorry its been quite a few days since I've been back on.

I hope you get better news about your Dad soon, can appreciate how worried you are.

I reckon neither of us know quite where we are just now. We dont want all the negatives which come with gambling but at the same time it is so difficult to live a flat life without it. You are doing your best to support and help your Bingo friend, but she will only take any action at the point she feels she can / needs to herself. For yourself you can only go with your feelings and thoughts about what direction you go in. Yes we would all like a flutter now and again with no harm done if it was only that simple.

I'm never going to say I wont gamble again. My 2 recent slips were completely out of the blue and unplanned and certainly didnt add any value but as we keep saying, cant just live like we are at the moment.

I have now gone on a couple of dates off the dating site, provided a variance to my life and acts like gambling as an escape for a few hours. But I know its all limited and false and nothing can come of it long term and I do have to be respective of others and not set any expectations. 

It aint going away. It just wont quit.

Captain 

Hi Tizzy

Had to laugh when you say you will age 10 years having your Grandson 🙂 - I'm sure many grandparents find it great looking after their grandchildren for short periods but difficult when a whole week - but you are a young Granny so you should be fine !!

Sharing is a common theme with us just now - you would love to share about your recent events but cannot. And I am limited as to what I can share about my dates on a Gambling recovery site - are they helping my recovery, I really dont know... the online dating chats have filled time and been fun at times. My 2 dates, one for a coffee and one for a meal have resulted in me arranging to see one of the ladies again. But as I've stressed, its just a hobby at the moment and my circumstances dont allow me to develop a full relationship. And also its just a phase, for however long I dont know. Have dabbled in online dating a few times over the years.

Does meeting a woman compare to gambling - No, different type of hobby altogether but maybe they both have some similar traits - secretive, escapism from normal life, some 'buzz', acting in Jekyll and Hyde mode - the real Captain is different from the CG, the real Captain is different from the one who presents himself in online dating.

It aint going away. It just wont quit.

Captain

Hi Tizzy

Smiled when reading you need another holiday 🙂  Glad you had a good time.

re your venturing out and staying level, Yes agreed that can be categorised as a day of relief. Feel we need some further conversation on your intended direction, its all a bit ad-hoc at the moment ( and I've been there myself in the past ).

I managed to get up to a 5 and a 6 on the dating days, probably no surprise, but they were a false 5 and 6 really as not real life per se, just an escape. Agreed re the *spice* and good term to use. But the spice has quickly gone as the woman I saw twice doesn't want to see me again. Cant say I blame her really but it did come as a surprise, thought we were getting on well. 

Back down to days of 2 and 3 ratings again now, sharply brought down after the rejection. Had some suicidal type thoughts (dont worry no chance of me ever actioning) but first time I've thought like that which hasn't been related to gambling. Just feel at the moment I'm not adding any value to anyone's life and there isnt anything adding any value to mine. It will pass but just reporting as our exchanges are all about being open about how we feel. Contacted a counsellor who was helpful in the past (although not about gambling part ironically ) but she is fully booked for another few months and I couldn't start afresh with someone new.

Drama watching continues to take a back seat, so nothing to report there. DI Ray has been sitting waiting for a few weeks now.

It aint going away. It just wont quit.

Captain 

Hi Tizzy 

Firstly you are far too young to be taking afternoon naps, pull yourself together ?

I’m getting a bit concerned about you and OH - seems to be happening quite often that you are not getting on?

On your ad-hoc gambling, I appreciate and recall what it was like having a ‘stash’ and knowing you could gamble if/when you choose but from what you describe, your reasons are all what I would classify as ‘negative gambling’ ie driven by being bored, upset, in need of escape etc.

I’ll be hung out to dry for using the term ‘positive gambling’ but for me there’s a big difference if you are calm and feel happy at the point you gamble, far more chance of success ( although we all know success is short term but hopefully you get my point ). My advice is try and gamble only when you feel good and are able to treat it as something to look forward to and not a coping mechanism to make you feel better / lift your spirits.

Am I ok? Short answer No - average 2 out of 10 ratings in general and its gonna be a while before I ‘get back on the horse’ - took A LOT of effort to get to point of going on dates and then to be rejected just at point I thought I had an alternative means of escaping from real life drudgery, well it’s floored me.

It ain’t going away. It just won’t quit. 

Captain 

Hi Tizzy

Hope your Dad gets on ok with his appointment and that you are staying in control.

Just a check-in really, nothing changed and always conscious of repeat posts....good to get a few days break from work but at same time struggled to find things to occupy me.

Will be in touch again if/when I have anything new to report. But dont let my absence stop you from updating me with your life 🙂

It aint going away. It just wont quit.

Captain 

Hi Tizzy

Joined the chat last 2 nights just to get away from the negative thoughts and boredom/emptiness/nothingness which is my life at the moment. Think I added some value.

Ref the repetition, appreciate you dont mind that and we are there for each other but from past experience it can prompt responses from other users/readers which I can do without so very wary of that. ( I have consistently said for years on here I am unfortunately the type of person who has a very limited list of topics which take my interest - most don't understand this and make suggestions of what I could and should do and think that I'm not trying hard enough to do 'new things' and take up 'new hobbies' etc.  - I can do without that sort of dialogue coming in again). And when I describe my situation I'm not looking for sympathy at all, just telling it as it is.

You have my sympathy for your 'time of life' situation 🙂 . Good that you recognise that plays a part with OH.

Must be about our one year anniversary now 😉

It aint going away. It just wont quit.

Captain 

Hi Tizzy

Another Saturday where going out just doesn't feel possible, think Saturdays will always be this way now.

I checked back diaries and it was 30th June last year we started corresponding so we have a couple of weeks yet to decide how to celebrate 😉

Hope you enjoy the barbecue and great that you are getting away to a Lodge for a week. As per last year I have had thoughts of going away and Yes a change of scenery if I did but filling the time is difficult on your own, hard at times at home never mind away somewhere but I'll keep thinking about it. Pity you hadn't told me sooner and I could have joined you at the Lodge 🙂

How did your Dad get on yesterday?

Work has got back to 'normality' after a busy/stressful period so thats one positive amidst my struggles. To be clear I am really trying to get my head in a better place not just resigning myself.

It aint going away. It just wont quit.

Captain