My journey..

Hi Tizzy

Glad you are feeling a lot better. Thanks for the tips re dramas - the Teacher one sounds good - I already watched both a series and a film of a similar storyline last year. And I have Rules of the Game recorded but will wait till I have all episodes. Started watching American Rust, have you heard of it?,  just first couple of episodes, seems ok so far with exception of over excessive use of 'strong language' 🙁

I'm still not venturing out on Saturdays at the moment, hasn't felt right to do so. Still running off and on in conjunction with Health club workouts. Cant seem to lose any weight but not putting any on either. ( I'm not overweight and fit for my age but losing say half a stone wouldnt go amiss I feel but more difficult as you get older )

And agreed that a lot of CGs, myself included, are very good at money management outwith gambling. I certainly would never pay over the odds for food shopping or clothing for example, got to feel its value for money. Plus at various points when money was tight due to gambling, buying the supermarket's own brand instead of brand names enlightened me to many products being just as good anyway. If only we could apply our normal money and budgeting heads to gambling eh, but thats back to the old '2 captains' or 'jekyll and hyde' characters that we have. 

My mother is much the same. Effectively the downturn in her health has meant her independence has been taken away from her so that has hit her hard, and unfortunately its not going to change.

Had to laugh :-)) re your Joseph answer - I wouldnt have a clue about that - I've been selecting colours based on the order you pot the balls on a snooker table !!

So the next colour is Pink and I'll go for 'Lily The Pink' by Scaffold - over to you.

It aint going away.

Captain 

Hi Tizzy 

You do seem to be bored quite a lot. Sounds like you need a hobby or pastime. I know your working time doesn’t take up that much. What about another part-time job or volunteering? Certainly not good for CGs to have too much time on our hands. Good you are going away for a break though, change of scenery always a positive. Need to tell myself the same thing and make it happen this year.

A big part of my recovery and daily thought process to shift my head from negative to positive is to recall good memories and it works to a large extent but some days I can’t help but think ‘ those were things you did 35 years ago’! Yes they mean a lot to me but I do need to come up with other strategies for thinking positive.

I can’t think of another song for Pink either so moving onto Black I’ll go with Black is Black. Given the lyrics include ‘Grey is Grey’ and ‘I’m feeling Blue’ I think I should get bonus points for more colours ?

I’ll allow you a bonus if you name 2 songs to make up for the Pink ?

Djokovic is going away (back home!) but for CGs, gambling ain’t going away.

Captain 

Hi Tizzy

Good that you enjoy having your grandson and have fun with him - I cant relate really, having zero experience of looking after kids...

re your quickie on Djokovic, totally agree. ( For humorous purposes, I always said to ex-partners I dont do quickies 😉  )

Yes all gamblers regardless of how long they are 'clean' need to beware of complacency, the addiction can strike again at any time without warning. I do have to say that some on here both currently and historically who say they never get urges and focus their dialogue almost totally on just describing their current life, I do think to myself they would be better off just joining a general chat site.

I'll give you bonus points re the named films, you are bending my rules 🙂 .... we have cleared the Snooker table colours except the cue ball so I'll go with Black or White by Michael Jackson to give me a bonus point for naming two colours in one song 😉

We can only live in the present, we cant change the past

The years before being an addict, why didnt they last

No worries, no debts, just go out and play

Now always be on your guard cos it aint going away

Captain 

Hi Tizzy

I'm gonna watch Rules of the Game tonight, will let you know that I think of it.

Have to say its been a tough week, not scored higher than 5 any day, definitely missing the festive season like yourself, struggling to have any enthusiasm for work and inevitably with restrictions lifting I'll need to go back in to the office soon 🙁

Sad to read that Meat Loaf died - not saying I was a huge fan of all his music but 3 of his biggest hits are up there with some of my all time favourites and 2 of them I have used and related to addiction wise - 

In 'Rock and Roll Dreams', I have used the lyrics 'There's always something happening, there's always something new' to good effect when on a bad run and convince myself that there will be something new the next day to get some money back and then have sang the lyrics after a big win 🙂

On the negative side 'It Just Wont Quit' I have used to relate to the beast inside me and inability to stay in control and accept loss.

For our next game, this is one I used in groups of people 'Live' years ago so not sure how it will be between the 2 of us online but we can try - it works that you name a song and then the next person has to name another song which starts with the last word of the one before - and you have to name the artist too, so someone cant just quote any words which is a song others havent heard of 😉 ,  so as an example:

Person 1 - All About You by McFly

Person 2 - You to Me Are Everything by the Real Thing

Person 3 - Everything Changes by Take That

Person 4 - Changes by David Bowie

end of game/person 4 out,  as cant think of another song which begins with the word Changes

So I'll start with Stoned Love by the Supremes...

It aint going away. It just wont quit.

Captain 

Hi Tizzy

Firstly there is a post on my diary about Christmas from DaveUK but referenced to you....

The weekend was mixed - scored 6 on Saturday, 4 on Sunday.

Rules of the Game was pretty average I thought but good enough to fill 2 hours of my Saturday night and 2 hours of my Sunday. Trigger point promises to be better based on write up - as usual I'll hold off till I have all the episodes, same with The Bay.

Disappointed that they are gonna cancel Walk The Line after one series, I thought it was great!

Joined a couple of chats end of last week which were decent for a change in comparison to others a couple of weeks ago. Two guys in same age group as me which helps.

Make the most of working at home this week. Back to 3 days a week in the office next week. Said before there is so much wasted time in the office. Realised that before Covid but even more so after working at home. So much dead time and pointless conversations. Plus I've got used to not having to buy new shirts and suits 🙂 But then there are far too many conference calls when working at home so wont miss them.

Any further update on your Dad?

I'll go with Letter From America by The Proclaimers...

It aint going away. It Just Wont Quit

Captain 

Hi Tizzy

I didnt get Dave's post either, was in the context of our discussions re missing the festive period but seemed to go in another direction. Anyway he has posted to you again on my diary and includes reference to my first ever post on here, again I dont follow some of it, some of it is general advice centred on being part of GA.

OK so you have gambled again. In my experience boredom is only ever part of the picture. There are loads of things we can find to do when we are bored. Doesn't sound like it is money motivated either, its not that you have a focus on 'I must win £xxx amount today'. But although you are not craving, you recall the good feeling of being in the action, getting the buzz, an escape from normal life for a while, and gambling is the drug of choice. For others it could be drinking, drugs, going clothes shopping, exercising etc.

I'm not expecting you to go into detail on here but re the conversations with those who are assisting you to gamble, I'd imagine they try and persuade you not to as they realise you have a problem, and you then have to convince them you are ok, the addict in you has gone away, its just a bit of fun, its a one-off etc....? Would imagine you feel embarrassed /ashamed at having those conversations, not at the time but afterwards....you are a woman in her fifties begging people to help you gamble....then there is the regret afterwards.

From my own past experience that's how it was for me. But the difference when I was begging/borrowing money under false pretences was that I was in debt and it felt like I needed the money to recoup losses ( sometimes it worked, often it didnt) and Yes looking back a lot of it was just to get back into the action although it didnt feel like it at the time, it was mostly about  - I lost £3k last night, I need to borrow money to get some of it back to save getting another loan', that kind of scenario. Plus I totally get the 'planning' activity  - never really felt wrong when I planned it. The times when it just hit me without planning were the worst - something crazy like ' its 20 mins till I'm going to watch a TV programme, I've nothing to do for 20 mins', and then bang I had logged online and gambled money away, that would never had happened before online, I wouldnt have gone to the bookies for the 20 mins.

You dont have any debt (except to OH but there is no pressure to pay back there) so you are losing amounts you can afford to lose. Doesn't necessarily make it any easier, still regret and shame involved but some might say that you are spending money gambling as opposed to going to the cinema / buying clothes / various other 'normal' things which people spend money on. But you know it isnt healthy. Said before about getting another job/ voluntary work / other interest to keep you busier. Can only imagine what I'd be like without my 40 hours a week working. Find it hard when I have one day off sometimes (Christmas period excepted). And clicking Gamban off and on at random isnt working with the tool at all - you need to either lock it for a substantial period or not bother, its meant to be a padlock not a door key 🙂

Sorry that you are not going away, would have done you good. Is there nowhere else you can go instead? Great point you make re being a child - common in a lot of addicts - seems most of us never grow up  - could be a variety of reasons for that. Me, not having any children is likely a factor, not having to have responsibility for anyone else. Would like to think I wouldnt have gambled money and have kids going without but who knows, there are plenty stories from those who have done just that.

I'll allow you American Pie, and you win Round 1 as I cant think of a 'Pie' song. Round 2 - Dont Go Breaking my Heart - Elton & Kiki

Put the padlock on the pad

If you do so you'll be glad

No more online slots, stay in control

Dont think of winning or going on a roll

Think of regret, think of shame

There's more to life than playing the game

It aint going away, It Just Wont Quit

Captain 

Hi Tizzy

You will always have my support irrespective of your episodes, shopping and otherwise, hope you know that.

And Yes I relate to differing levels of regret, remorse etc. Can recall it hit me harder when a bad gambling session happened for the first time in a while. On those occasions I had become complacent, thought things couldn't go downhill again. And also if I lost for 2 days in a row, 3 days etc, it just became 'normal' and I wasnt gutted in the same way I was after an 'out of the blue' occasion. Sometimes I would go for days *knowing* I would lose each day, *expecting* to lose and it wouldnt bother me. Crazy thinking back. Then I would get my act together again, focus on only gambling on specific things I wanted to, would have a successful period, and so the cycle continued.

You realise the way you are living needs to change. But it isnt easy and wont happen overnight. You have enjoyed many shopping trips and came away unscathed. But you are always one visit away from an experience like the other day, thats the risk of it.

Good to hear some positive news on your Dad.

Glad you came up with Heart of Glass - that song has meaning for me ( which I cant spell out on here 😉 )

My song in response tonight is Glass Of Champagne by Sailor

It aint going away. It just wont quit.

Captain 

Hi Tizzy 

I hope your Dad got good news at the hospital?

Glad you are at least getting away for a couple of days, do you good.

Ive had a terrible weekend. Nothing has happened but my head is in a bad place. I know we both keep going on about Christmas but I found myself singing ‘I wish it could be Christmas every day’ yesterday- the difference in my mode over the period 1st Dec to 5th Jan versus since then, well night and day is an understatement. I keep thinking there is just nothing between now and December which I’m looking forward to, just more of same routine. I do remind myself daily of many people who are worse off than me and I’m not at all feeling sorry for myself, my predicament is fully down to my own bad life decisions. But most mornings it is so difficult to get out of bed and from when I finish work I long for bedtime knowing dreams I have are far better than reality. I appreciate I’m nearer the end of my life than the beginning and spending time recalling good memories is probably natural but it would just be better to have some other stuff to look forward to, something to motivate me.

Anyway sorry enough of my moaning. I started watching the Tourist and found it ok, I know you said you weren’t keen.

re the game, the colours stuff was mostly equal and you won round 1 of the current format with American Pie so it’s 1:1- you are doing better than you thought ?

It ain’t going away. It just won’t quit.

Captain 

Hi BFF Tizzy

Sorry to hear that you are not feeling the best either. Can understand with the situation with your Dad and not going away anywhere after planning to.

I’d like to say I’m feeling better but I’m not - I hope we are not stuck in this rut for too long. Everyone needs something to look forward to Yes. Gambling has filled that need for a great many years but we must remember often with very negative consequences. But there must be other things. I’m with you about going out - I can’t manage to do so on a Saturday but would willingly go out on weeknights but where do you go...there’s no one I can meet and I haven’t touched alcohol for a long time and when I did it was as part of nights out with friends/colleagues, I’ve never just wandered into a pub for a pint as some do (not criticising this at all, just something I’ve never done. )9

Got to episode 5 of the Tourist now, has gone downhill a bit, some of it a bit far fetched and silly now but I’ll watch the last episode as I’ve got this far.

Being back in office hasn’t helped but my mode went downhill without even thinking about that, still live my life in compartments and the work compartment could be better but the spare time compartment with little to do/ focus on / look forward to is worse at the moment.

Still read my stone of life and one of the headlines - if someone experiences a lot of highs at a young age, it’s impossible to  live your life at that level throughout and by default you continue to try and re-create those highs, artificially or otherwise and eventually you give up trying. That’s kind of where I’m at.

It ain’t going away. It just won’t quit.

Captain 

Hi Tizzy

Still not been great either and my Mother not been well so had to be there more often than normal. We are both at stage of our lives where we have elderly parents and what that entails.

I dont think my circumstances invite female friendship at the moment but never say never. I do often think of things I could do but there always seem to be barriers to them, I'll keep thinking though. Doing something new involves getting to know new people, who ask questions which I cant or dont want to answer...

Sorry to read about your most recent relapse. As we keep saying, if you could bottle the feelings of regret, shame, remorse etc. and just take a drink when you have an urge / start planning to gamble, then there would be significantly less problem/compulsive gamblers around.

Agreed that the Tourist could have been better played out. I have the same thought with a lot of programmes i.e. I could have written a better storyline myself or sometimes the drama is brought to a close after say 4 episodes and had the potential to have double the number, that frustrates me. Started watching The Teacher last night and will complete tonight, enjoying it so far and I expected to based on similarity with other past programmes of that nature ( If you havent watched the others, I'd recommend doing so online). I have a few other dramas just now which are midway through in terms of episodes recorded but as usual I'll wait till I have the full series ( The Bay, Trigger Point, Responder)

For the game, I'll choose 'All Over The World' from my schooldays time of being an ELO fan 🙂

It aint going away. It just wont quit.

Captain 

Hi Tizzy

Glad you are enjoying Trigger Point, gives me hope that I at least may have a drama to look forward to in a few weeks 🙂

Work is busy and pretty average, some days I put in a better shift than others, sometimes I cant be bothered, particularly with the meetings. Still not sure if they are better in office or at home, pros and cons.

Send me some of your cake, sounds delicious 🙂

Wanted to list from memory different types of gambling days and their related emotions; sure you can relate to some of them, maybe others can too ( although as you know other than yourself I only get the occasional other comment):

> Gamble on only what you identify in advance and most/all win and you make a profit - quiet satisfaction and a great nights sleep

> Dont identify anything to gamble on in advance and dont gamble at all - quiet satisfaction and a great nights sleep

> Gamble on what you identify in advance and some/all dont win but you accept loss and dont chase / gamble on anything else - feel frustrated and uptight and dont sleep great but at least you didnt chase

> Gamble on what you identify in advance and some/all dont win and you chase and recoup losses - feel relief but also uptight because you know you shouldn't have chased - average nights sleep, toss and turn

> Gamble on what you identify in advance and some/all dont win and you chase but lose more  - regret, remorse, feel awful, dont eat properly, dont sleep well at all, the next day is a nightmare, trying to decide how to get more money / get your losses back / try not to gamble for a few days and calm down, breathe, health issues, impact on other people, mood swings 

> Dont identify anything to gamble on in advance but end up gambling anyway and win - feel relief but also uptight because you know you shouldn't have gambled at all - average nights sleep, toss and turn

> Dont identify anything to gamble on in advance but end up gambling anyway and lose - regret, remorse, feel awful, dont eat properly, dont sleep well at all, the next day is a nightmare, trying to decide how to get more money / get your losses back / try not to gamble for a few days and calm down, breathe, health issues, impact on other people, mood swings 

There may be more scenarios but these are the main ones I recall - just reading through them makes me think - why would anyone want to live their life like that - but of course we dont choose to and before we know it a life like that becomes the norm unfortunately 

I like this new game you have come up with - can I go back to A and also mention Adam Scott winning the Masters Golf, one of the biggest gambling wins for me. For B, I have to choose Butlins, great memories there as a kid 🙂

I've got a new book to read about an ex-cricketer who was a compulsive gambler, its called Might Bite ( which was the name of a horse he lost a lot of money on )

It aint going away. It just wont quit.

Captain 

Hi BFF Tizzy

Firstly Dave has written to you again on my diary....

Hey you are getting old when your Grandson tires you out 🙂

Good that you are trying to help the lady at the bingo. And as we have acknowledged, sometimes by helping others we help ourselves. The number of times over the years when I've typed something in chat or on a diary on here giving what I know is good advice to someone else but thinking to myself why I couldn't manage to take the right path and follow what I know to work. 

Real bad day at work today, stressed, frustrated, bored all came into play. Its so difficult when you dont have an escape like gambling to turn to. Locking myself in the toilet cubicle for a while, going to sit in the car and going for a walk are the best I could do but they are not enough and not sustainable long term. At home I have more options and simply the fact that I dont need to face people all day is a big help. Painting on a smile continually for the office and making myself look like I'm ok to others is hard work. I cant do it all the time, results in me sometimes snapping at people and showing my frustration. Some of it is natural and maybe even justified, some of it is due to my life circumstances and not having a 'drug' to turn to.

Was reading in the paper about the increase in household bills etc. and people writing about stop going to coffee shops, playing the lottery, gambling, cancel Sky, Netflix etc etc - I get the point about not everything being essential but everyone has to have some pleasures. The stopping gambling bit was more expressed as 'having a flutter', not in the sense of CGs.

For C in the game, I'll go with Corbiere which was the first Grand National winner I backed. At that point my only gambling was once a year on that race. Didnt stay that way for very long, wish it had!

It aint going away. It just wont quit.

Captain 

@captain46 

Hi

It is healthy to understand that each day  I have more healthier options than Gambling.

I enjoy more healthier options today.

By giving up one unhealthy habit  I can choose healthy habit instead.

Less fear, less anxiety, less escaping and more interactions.

I am free today to have choices and paths in my life.

Dave L

Hi busy Tizzy 🙂

Totally agree its easier to not think about gambling so much / swat urges away when you are busy. For me, as long as I am naturally busy and its not a case of doing things for the sake of it. I've certainly had days and periods like that where I feel the need to be constantly occupied. Can be exhausting. Nothing like being able to relax and just do nothing and think for an hour or two without the gambling bug trying to bite you.

The Teacher was fine, bit better than average I'd say, same with The Responder which I've watched first 4 episodes of now, that is much better than I expected.

The weekend I spent mostly feeling a bit run down, lack of energy, its the intensity of work which is causing it. Really struggled on Monday, been a bit better last 2 days.

I've joined a dating site now ( not for the first time but first time in a while). As noted before, I'm not in a position to have a relationship but chatting and flirting doesn't do me any harm, passes time, I can make it clear I'm just chatting. I know all the things to watch out from previous experience and it will just be a short term hobby for a time until I identify something else.

For D, I'll go with Dawns Delight - a horse I selected many years ago, saw it was 50/1 so didnt back it, thought it cant win when its that price and of course it won. Would only have put £1 on but winning £50 would have been huge at the time. Said before some of the worst memories I have aren't losing money but the occasions where I made a correct selection and didn't put the bet on 🙁

It aint going away. It just wont quit.

Captain 

Hi Tizzy 

Great that you are staying away from online gambling. Who knows maybe the longer you are away from it the less urges you will have and maybe also you will reduce the land shopping.

Had to laugh that I may make you jealous ? never thought of virtual friends being jealous before. Keep you posted how I’m doing. 

Totally agree we have to be careful re sharing personal info on here and being identified - have had to hold back a number of times myself. 

Some people working at home offline this morning due to power cuts - it’s certainly windy !!

Almost the weekend and I’m still always caught between two stools - good to break from work but the weekend has its challenges too.

On older music, not sure there are types / songs I appreciate that I didn’t before but I appreciate them more now, great for recalling memories and feelings from the 80s in particular.

For E, I just have to say England, my country and could type a lot about what that means to me.

It ain’t going away. It just won’t quit.

Captain