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My diary, my new life, my fightback  

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richardlost
(@richardlost)

congratulations on your will power and great income i hope your words inspire me to bo better myself

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Posted : 14th September 2019 9:35 pm
holycrosser
(@holycrosser)

Thank you Drama and Richard.

Indeed I will treat the races like a nice night out it's for the customers anyway to enjoy not me.Putting yourself in this position I wanted to avoid but I cant get out of it, I'm sure i will be fine, not taking any money will see to the gambling, simple but effective. 

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Posted : 15th September 2019 4:05 am
holycrosser
(@holycrosser)

Day 190 

Approaching another milestone 

Sunday and a fair bit of work being done around the house by a tradesman today.The wife is paying, I'm useless at DIY, no point trying I just dont *** it.

She is going through a rough time mentality, its stressing me a bit, however its keeping her mind off me and my finances, I know in under 2 years my situation will be much much better.lieing to her every day hurts, one day I can start to rebuild my life.

These past 30 years and the money I've wasted are criminal, it's hard not to reflect when I sit here with nothing , yes I have my wife and kids but I could have been a much better dad than I have been.

Today I wont gamble, my life goes on, each day is a struggle.Im still GF 

This post was modified 1 month ago by holycrosser
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Posted : 15th September 2019 4:14 am
holycrosser
(@holycrosser)

The day has been long but so much has been done in the house for a very reasonable price , it’s made the wife happy and got a load of diy jobs done.

been a good day, absolutely no thoughts about gamble.

another day this evil inside is not f*d, good day.

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Posted : 15th September 2019 7:35 pm
holycrosser
(@holycrosser)

Day  191

Start of another working week, the year is rattling along.

Gonna sit down and work out my debt today.urggh

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Posted : 16th September 2019 6:13 am
holycrosser
(@holycrosser)

As ever when you total up the debt it’s ya more than you think.

my debt as of today is £25,362 , more than I thought but I’ve went through the lot.

cant change the fact, now it’s time to work on clearing it...3 years.

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Posted : 16th September 2019 11:43 am
holycrosser
(@holycrosser)

Day 192

Bit upset at the debt figure but it wont deter me , the end game is still the same, no gambling. 

Today a bit of office work, my back is killing me so needs a bit of rest.

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Posted : 17th September 2019 6:10 am
holycrosser
(@holycrosser)

Ok.one thing I will always be on here us 100% honest.

Today I've been fretting about this impending tax bill next month. 

All morning gambling thoughts came into my head.

Around 1pm I thought sod it I need to gather a war chest.i can do this.

I took £300 out my bank, for the first time in 6 months I went into a bookies, it made my skin crawl.

I looked at the form.i picked a horse that looked a certainty. 

Just one good thing kept going round in my head....I decided to walk out and not bet, the horse won by the way and now I feel a bit depressed. However I still feel I won as I chose not to do it.

 

I'm ashamed, I nearly gave in.dont ask me why...I'm panicking 

This post was modified 1 month ago by holycrosser
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Posted : 17th September 2019 9:53 pm
DramaLlama
(@dramallama)

Please don't be ashamed. If we aren't honest on here then what is the point of it all? I admire your honesty. Thank you for sharing. I am really pleased to hear that you walked away. You keep on sharing and this will blow over I'm sure. We all have wobbles. 

Drama x

 

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Posted : 17th September 2019 10:09 pm
MissP
(@missp)

BIG well done on not actually betting.. Understand that you must be frustrated that the horse won the race and you would have won money but if you would have placed that bet, you’d be back to Day 1 again... Stay Strong

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Posted : 17th September 2019 10:23 pm
Stephen The Humble
(@stephen-the-humble)

I agree with both DramaLlama & MissP. Well done on not giving in.

Your financial situation is obviously very worrying for you but had you tried to gamble your way out of it, than things could well have gone from bad to worse.

Does it matter that the horse won? Probably not because compulsive gamblers are not very good at keeping winnings. 

Redeemer x 

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Posted : 17th September 2019 11:38 pm
holycrosser
(@holycrosser)

Thanks you lot for the support, what I cant fathom out is why in a time of panic I turn to this wretched gambling, I was conscious all the time that to gamble was the wrong path but I still went into the bookies.

I'm so not out the woods with this, the demon is back in my head and I must not cross the line.

Thank you all for caring.

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Posted : 18th September 2019 2:55 am
holycrosser
(@holycrosser)

Day 193 begins.

The day count is hanging on in there, a constant battle .

Tough time of it but I'm determined to not go back, interesting 6 weeks ahead, arguably the key to me surviving this addiction and moving on.

Gambling isn't the solution, it wouldn't end with one win, I know all to well how it usually goes, the little devil in my ear is trying so hard. 

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Posted : 18th September 2019 4:14 am
holycrosser
(@holycrosser)

Survived the day urges were less today.

Think I was horrified at what k did yesterday.

re focus

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Posted : 18th September 2019 7:56 pm
holycrosser
(@holycrosser)

Day 194

Nearly the end of the week.

A turbulent week so far but thankfully I've survived it and remain GF , the races loom.

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Posted : 19th September 2019 6:16 am
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