My Diary - I want life to be normal again

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(@Anonymous)
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Hi everyone,

If you do a search on my name 'fluttergutter' (not sure where I came up with that!), you'll notice that a few months ago I joined Gamcare and added my first post to the welcome forum. If you have a read of that you'll see what kind of a year I've had! Here's a bit of history:

I started gambling at 18 (I'm 30 now). I was a bit of a follower and going into the bookies was something my friends did. I wouldn't say I had a bad upbringing. Fast forward a couple of years and I was putting my monthly wages into an FOBT (roulette to be precise). Fast forward to when I was 23/24 me and my ex wife were having our son. I quit gambling at this point and didn't gamble for the first 3-4 years of his life. Around 2 years ago I somehow slipped back into it, finding how easy it was to do it from my android phone. What's worse is my ex wife also found herself gambling on slots as well so we were both draining our money. Feb 2017 was a month to remember. I was woken up at half past midnight to be told she'd won a progressive jackpot which was a 6 figure sum. I don't want to dwell on that too much. Fast forward to October 2017 I'd found out she'd been having affairs with multiple people. I also found out that the money she used to win the jackpot was stolen money from the company she worked at. I found this out because she'd been arrested for fraud and abuse of a position of trust. How she kept this from me was unbelievable but as we all know it's very easy to keep things a secret as a gambler. May 2018 she was sent to prison for 3 years and 4 months, leaving me and my son to pick up the pieces. All of the money she'd won was confiscated by order of the crown court.

So where am I now? Well I'm a full time working dad with sole care of my son. I have a partner who works away a lot but she is loving, supportive and doesn't really have a bad bone in her body. I rent somewhere and I pay the bills, I put a roof over my sons head, clothes on his back and tasty food on the table. He is literally my best friend. But deep down I think I'm still recovering. There's something not right in my mind. I'm not sure whether it's escapism because it's something I used to do for years prior, but I am gambling on a daily basis again. I joined Gamstop a while ago, but on my lunch breaks from work I am visiting the local bookies and spending every spare pound I have. I can't afford to do this, christmas is coming up and I have divorce and family court bills to pay. I have 4k of credit card debt I need to get rid of. I am literally attempting to do what I know can't be done, chasing the big win to solve all problems. If it happened I would put it all back anyway. So why am I doing this to myself? Why haven't I handed in the self exclusion form I've already filled out sitting in my drawer at work? If I excluded myself I am very aware in my mind that I wouldn't have any means of getting that big win (there are no other local bookies or casinos and I cannot gamble online).

I have come back onto Gamcare today because firstly I want this to be day 1 of the rest of my life where I do not gamble and secondly I want and need to talk to people. I am a full time dad so I have no time to go to GA meetings. I am a decent person and I know deep down underneath this gambling shell there is a loving caring person with a lot to give. I want to be myself again.

Thanks to anyone who reads this and replies. I will do my absolute best to check back each day and update.

Fluttergutter.....(eyeroll to the name!)

 
Posted : 6th December 2018 3:08 pm
Lil30
(@lil30)
Posts: 232
 

Hi Fluttergutter, (like the name!), I feel for you, I can't offer much advice at the minute because I am just starting out myself, but you sound like you are ready for action and want to make some changes. I hope that looking at these forums will inspire me, and perhaps just by starting a diary you have given yourself the extra outlet you need. I wish you all the best!

 
Posted : 6th December 2018 7:33 pm
(@Anonymous)
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Topic starter
 

Hi Lil30, all the best to you too. Thanks for your post.

 
Posted : 7th December 2018 11:31 am
(@Anonymous)
Posts: 0
Topic starter
 

Hi all,

Just a quick update to say that I made it through the day without going into the bookies. Was difficult on my lunch break not to, especially with a weekend of football coming up! Definitely had some serious urges.

Weekend approaching but have loads of plans so I'm hoping temptation should be kept at bay fairly easily.

Have a good weekend all.

 
Posted : 7th December 2018 5:26 pm
(@Anonymous)
Posts: 0
 

Hi Fluttergutter,

Well done for staying out of the bookies in town. I did just that last week tough though it was! I will be excluding from the bookies but it was the online that killed me!!

I have realised that hanging on for that big win whilst not impossible is HIGHLY unlikely so I have given up and will now just have what I earn. It's everyone's dream (mine included) to get that big win (like your ex) but you'll almost certainly end up in a bigger mess chasing it . Enjoy the weekend with your son and partner

 
Posted : 7th December 2018 5:47 pm
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 Aum
(@aum)
Posts: 3947
 

Hello fluttergutter.

Pleased to hear that you have filled in the self exclusion form for the bookies. An excellent move which might have an even bigger impact if you hand it in to the bookies or alternatively do it over the phone.

We are addicts my friend who need to give ourselves all the help we can. I wish you well as you battle to overcome this awful addiction ...stephen

 
Posted : 7th December 2018 6:53 pm
(@lethe)
Posts: 960
 

You can make the time to gamble but you can't make the time for GA or even to hand in a self exclusion form?

If you want to stop rather than stop losing it's going to involve some inconvenience. Digging as well to get at the root of the problem. A babysitter or childminder is a whole lot cheaper than a gambling session.

 
Posted : 7th December 2018 8:45 pm
signalman
(@signalman)
Posts: 1199
 

Hey mate

Which is the better friend out of your son or the gambling? Both seem to be best friends to you at the moment but make a decision mate because the harsh reality is youre not going to be able to have both over time. It's one or the other, they both can't coexist under the same roof so to speak. Decide and good luck with everything. You can do this.

 
Posted : 9th December 2018 12:36 am
(@Anonymous)
Posts: 0
Topic starter
 

Hi all,

4 days GF today! Made it through the weekend but as I mentioned before I had lots of plans etc. Today will be a test, as I said in my initial message it is my lunch breaks that I am visiting the bookies as this is the only free time I have alone.

Hi Signalman - thanks for your comment. You are right and like most of us do with our loved ones I feel an enormous amount of guilt. It's scary how much this disease has a grip on you, so much so that you forget what is important in life.

Lethe - As my post says I only gamble on my lunch breaks as that is the only free time I have. I joined Gamstop so that I couldn't gamble online, as this was the only access I had when at home. Other than GA meetings I'm acting upon pretty much every other piece of advice that is given on here.

Hi Stew - Well done for staying out! Have you joined Gamstop to help with your online gambling? Thanks for your words dude you're absolutely right.

Self Sufficient - Can you do it over the phone? I didn't realise this was an option, given that they ask you for passport photos!

Thanks all.

 
Posted : 10th December 2018 10:40 am
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 Aum
(@aum)
Posts: 3947
 

I recommend reading the sticky thread on the recovery diaries titled "Want to Do something?>READ THIS!< It offers excellent advice and information such as self excluding from bookies.

Call the "Multi Operator Self Exclusion Scheme" on 0800 294 2060 and they will arrange self exclusion from betting shops (have your list ready). They will also ask you to send a photo by e mail.

I wish you well on your mission to be gamble free. Overcoming urges to gamble can be extremely difficult for a compulsive gambler but do some manage to go for long periods without having a bet. It takes courage, hard work, honesty, common sense and understanding but it can be done as has been proved my many on the diaries...stephen

 
Posted : 10th December 2018 11:26 am
(@Anonymous)
Posts: 0
 

Hi Fluttergutter,

How's things. Hope you're getting on well. Yes, I joined Gamstop and that's been a godsend as without it I wouldn't be on 21 GF days. I have to say it isn't easy but surviving. I think both you and I need to self exclude from the bookies. It sounds like you are in town more than me but I know they could and will drag me back in at some point so I will deal with it and maybe you should too? I'm not going to dictate to you but I really think long term it will help. Let me know how you get on.

Cheers Stew

 
Posted : 12th December 2018 3:55 am
(@Anonymous)
Posts: 0
Topic starter
 

Hi all,

6 days GF today. Making good progress and even after nearly a week I have started to relax more as a person. Just need to keep it up and keep reminding myself that life is better without gambling involved.

Hi Stew - congratulations on being GF for 21 days! I'll be completely honest I haven't handed my form in yet and I haven't been to one of those funky machines which gives you passport photos! Can't say why I've delayed this, maybe I'm testing myself. Maybe as I know it's my only means of gambling now that I don't want to close that option...I don't know but I certainly hope it isn't the latter.

 
Posted : 12th December 2018 10:12 am
(@Anonymous)
Posts: 0
 

Hi Fluttergutter, Thanks for your message and I am very pleased to have reached 22 days GF! Congratulations to you too for your GF days keep going. I fully understand what you're saying about cutting off all gambling which is possibly why you haven't quit the bookies. As I said yesterday I need to as I know I will be back in one day! However please take it from me that if you don't quit you will end with more and more losses in the end. If I could turn back the clock to your age I so wish I had quit then as it really would have saved thousands and thousands and I would be living a much more comfortable life. It is entirely your call but take it from me long term it would be the best thing, sadly I know as many other older ones on here will confirm too. Let me know how you get on. Cheers Stew

 
Posted : 13th December 2018 6:02 am
(@lethe)
Posts: 960
 

Convincing yourself you're 'testing' your resolve boils down to keeping the door ajar. It might be worth considering why you want to do that.

Mechanical blocks buy you breathing space to think about what you might be about to do when the urges strike. Alongside them you will need to explore and address the roots of the compulsion. GA and counselling (free via Gamcare and available online if you can't attend in person) will help you do that.

 
Posted : 13th December 2018 8:54 am
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 Aum
(@aum)
Posts: 3947
 

Don't be a nutter fluttergutter

Be wise - be lucky - exclude from the bookie

A new start in life for you and your boy

Gambling aint no bright shiny toy!

You've seen what becomes of a gambling spell

Torment and shame on a journey through hell ...stephen

 
Posted : 13th December 2018 9:28 am
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