My diary: Hoping to move forward stronger

So, I joined the forum yesterday and figured a diary would be the best way for me to express myself.

I'm A 39-year-old guy.

I remember it was 2007 when I had my first online bet. I was bored at work one day and logged onto l*******s. I found it fascinating that you could place bets on horse racing. I remember starting out with £1 stakes and loved it.

After a few weeks, I'd go to the bookies at lunch and place no more than £5 on horse races in one visit, maybe twice a week, and then would use the roulette machines. I never really lost control of that though. 

In fact, I'd say that being in a bookies gave me a lot more balance than gambling online...because I'd regularly see some unfortunate person gambling away his monthly salary on the roulette machines and being aggressive and upset - the ultimate advertisement for never wanting to go down the same path.

I don't recall there being a moment where I gambled too much in a bookmakers - or to the extent that it made me feel it was a problem, but it was definitely a 'gateway' to the problem.

I have a clear memory of an incident at my parent's house maybe 12 years ago when I was playing on the Deal or No Deal game on l*******s. I remember losing £20 really quickly - and then putting in £20 more on my credit card. I ended up losing £60 from my credit card and then thinking 'what the hell did I just do?' It gave me a shock, and I didn't repeat it.

The next time it became an issue was probably around 2015. I had had some amazing luck, where I started out with £10 in my bookmakers account and, over the course of two months, turned it into £2,000. A mix of football and horse bets. My friends thought I was some kind of betting genius and, like an idiot, I let it go to my head, thinking it had been skill rather than luck.

The following year, I remember spending my birthday at a race track - VIP hospitality with a meal and a great view. Other punters were betting £10 a race and I was putting on £50 or £100. But I rationalised it because I won just as many as I lost. I had a good day and thought this was just something I'd do often.

Over the course of the summer I probably visited four horse racing tracks, driving for hours to get there. I wasn't worried by this because it was great weather, long days, I wanted a road trip and something fun, so I'd buy a ticket in the fancy seats, dress up and head to the race track. 

For the most part I won as much as I lost and had a good time, betting maybe £10 a race. But I remember foolishly thinking that, because I had had a profitable day at one particular race track, it would happen again - how wrong I was.

I went back later that summer and lost about £250 in the space of three races, then left, missing the last four. The journey home was not fun...but I rationalised it as 'just a bad day amongst lots of good days'.

I think things improved after that simply because my life circumstances changed: I'd gone from a job I hated to a job I loved and that kept me busy a lot, so things started to get better.

Then in 2019, I discovered matched betting. I won't go into too much detail as it probably contradicts what everyone on this forum is trying to achieve.

But the worst thing is that it exposes you to a lot of gambling. I was exploiting free bets and placing hundreds of bets on about 80 bookmaker websites and then placing lay bets on exchanges to ensure a profit...but that meant I was getting bombarded by all those companies all week long, by email and text. Not healthy.

I think I fell into a pattern two years ago where a £35 bet was what it took to 'get a buzz' - almost always on football matches, so I would get 90 minutes of entertainment out of it.

At that stage, it did concern me a little, but it wasn't anywhere near as much as a concern as it is now, and my bank balanced up at the end of the month so it was okay, or so I thought.

I'd say things changed for the worst around November time 2020. I'm working from home, living alone, with not much to do during lockdown and I've managed to save up some money, so I convinced myself it would be okay to bet more.

Some Saturdays I would gamble maybe £105 on football. What's really bad about the current situation is that all the kick off times are staggered so you can watch four or five games throughout the day and the temptation is always there.

I gave up twice, for months at a time. I remember one occasion, watching a United v Liverpool game in a pub and there were about 30 people in aged around 20 - a group who had just come from football training. They spent the entire game talking about their bets on the game, rather than the game itself and it made me see clearly how toxic gambling has made sport.

Things came to a head with me last weekend: I lost £105 on three football games on Friday, maybe £35 on Saturday and then totally lost it on Sunday and lost £200. 

That for me was a huge wake-up call. I took steps to change it - ignored Monday's matches and then we arrived at Tuesday.

So I ignored the first half of the evening games and noticed Manchester United were winning 9-0 so watched the highlighs. 

By Wednesday I convinced myself that I could handle watching the Manchester City game....Throughout the first half, that monkey on my back was urging me to bet on City. At half time, I gave in and staked £50. The bet lost...so my 'solution' was to bet £150 on PSG scoring four. They scored three and I was £200 down in a day.

For me, the feeling is 100% 'fear of missing out'. If I've bet on particular teams doing particular things before, and then I 'miss out' on the chance to do it again, it makes me anxious that, if the same outcome happens, I will have been denied a chance to profit.

So if I've won £200 in the past on Team X to score five goals, and then see them playing a similar team, I feel I MUST back it again...and things get worse if you then see an early goal and think 'I'll win less now'.

But it's such a stupid, irrational thought, because the high of the bet is absolutely nothing compared to the low of the loss. 

Almost immediately after the PSG game last night I signed up for this forum and have already taken the precaution of blocking my bank from allowing deposits to betting sites (something I only learned you could do from this forum).

My plan is to completely ignore tonight's game and then see how I feel over the weekend.

I think I will reach a stage where I can watch games without betting on them - and I perhaps need to suffer that state of mind where I'm being denied a bet. I don't intend on changing the gambling restriction on my phone any time soon.

After last night, I've taken £200 out of my investment account and put it into my current account - a sort of self-punishment.

Just as an aside: My finances are fine and I'm not concerned about how they are now - more how they could be if I keep doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.

Having read many of other people's stories on this forum I realise I am fortunate enough to have caught this problem before risking going into a very bad financial situation. I feel for all those people I've read the stories of.

I appreciate that was long and thank you if you made it til the end.